Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

@muffinthemoo I also feel I've been lead up the garden path. They both lied to me so much that if I knew the truth I would not have allowed them to stay here. Ds feels the same. We feel really hurt by their actions, but realise DiL is maybe acting in ignorance while Ds was expecting us to fill the gaps. Before they left China Ds said she wanted to be a full time Mum and that she only worked 2 hours a day. I didnt look into the legality of that at the time, but shes working a lot more. I agreed with her to have him between 12 and 2pm every day while she worked but when she arrived she expected me to cook her lunch every day instead and used the baby as a weapon- so because I don't cook in the middle of the day she keeps the baby away from me. I originally agreed to have him because I thought I could give him lunch and take him out somewhere nice because I need daylight in my lunch breaks. I thought with the weather getting warmer we'd go for picnics etc. I didn't know she had lied to me and would keep trying to change the goal posts. I won't allow the goal posts to be changed. I am here for the original time we agreed, to take him out while I'm taking a long lunch break. I hate cooking and only do it once a day in the evening. I would definitely NOT agree to cook at lunchtime and resent it being suggested. I feel she needs to integrate. It's not for the baby's sake either since he eats British food and it's usually pasta she cooks and not Chinese stuff. She hogs the kitchen and makes loads of washing up for herself, I'm not sure why she feels it necessary to cook pasta meals at lunchtime but I havent interfered. It really is her problem if she chooses to do that.

She still works for the same employer (online) so has not lost any pay. I don't agree with her working on a tourist visa but it's not my problem and its one of the least troubling ones in our house right now. Picking my battles to help Gs thrive is more important to me as they're clueless. Trying not to interfere, but making sure Gs basic needs are being met!

Ds still hasn't got a job. We got fed up of them keeping baby up and playing downstairs because of other kids still in education and demanding jobs/tiredness/chronic illness so told them to either use a cot so they could have an evening or all go to bed by 8pm. They have chosen to all go to bedroom at 8pm, so it gives no time for discussion and they are failing to settle him so he's still screaming at midight. I've been really unwell from stress and not really coping with the situation, but doing my best.

Oops I meant DH feels the same...

Ds still hasn't got a job
so what is he doing all day long? Why can't he cook/look after the baby/do some housework/washing etc?
Is he helpless?

Yes, not being funny here, but where is DS during the day then?

Totally in agreement with M0nica’s comments.

Time for ultimatums, you could consider giving them notice to quit. My closest friend in France, had exactly the same situation. Her son had, and is still having many years down the line, issues with finding permanent employment. The Chinese wife, thought as my friends were very well heeled and another son who was a doctor and also affluent, that, she would be moving into accommodation and similar situation as their’s. The marriage came to dire straits, before she got the plot. Not wishing to be a Job’s comforter please get on to the immigration website, and check that you are secure, knowing that she is working on a tourist visa. As it’s work in China, she can probably get permission for that, but you don’t need a backlash on yourself or your husband.

Thanks so much to all who wrote with support on this and my other stories last year.
It was as I expected- Finito! We have not seen nor heard of them since they left. Hardly surprising given that my DIL lied about me. I had brief news of them via my ex husband about 4 months ago, who told me they had lied to me about various things, but we only speak when absolutely necessary so I don't know anymore. Their choice!

My second Grandbaby has been born and come to stay with us for three months (plus parents of course!) while China work to eradicate Coronavirus.
DIL2 could not be more different than DIL1 (thankfully!) and I admire her mothering skills. She is very capable and intuitive to the baby's needs, oh what a joy! The baby is happy and well fed. The home feels harmonious!

Lavazza1st, thank you for updating us about your problem. How lovely that you have another DiL and a wonderful GC now living with you. It's not often that another OP gets back to us to tell us how things turned out, so it's been great to hear from you again under happier circumstances. ?

@annodomini thanks for your lovely message. Some people accused me of being a troll at the time, but I was just overwhelmed with sadness. I am really glad to share it and to be able to look back on those supportive conversations almost a year later is better than therapy.
Having a gorgeous new Grandbaby and a DIL who definitely wants to be here really helps.

Lavazzalst. I was reading your posts yesterday, and didn’t notice how old it was! I wasn’t on GN last year. I’m so glad it’s all settled down for you. It sounded horrendous. We all want to protect our children and grandchildren, but sometimes, the price is too high, as it seemed in your case. I’m so glad your second GC is a joy to you, and hopefully, in the future, you may rekindle your relationship with your older GC. We need to look after our health, because without it, we’re no use to anyone. All the best for you all.

Thankyou so much Endlessstrife! I was new to Gransnet when I posted it and havent been on here much since as it was a painful time. Finally felt ready to face it.
Hope you'll enjoy it here on GN and find it a supportive environment

Thanks for coming back in to update us, Lavazzalst! Sorry you're estranged from that one DS and DIL1, but, unfortunately, I'm not surprised. Sorry to hear they lied to and about you, as well. It's clearly a difficult relationship and, IMO, you may be better off having this "space" from them.

DIL2 sounds delightful by contrast! So glad to hear it! Glad, also, that you have a new GC that you're able to enjoy. Hope all continues to go well and that you keep in touch w/ us!

Thanks so much Starlady!
Unfortunately DS1 had mental health problems at college and his therapist suggested family therapy . I saw some letters from his therapst at the time and realised he was lying about us. He refused to involve us, although that is when we realised he had deeper issues. At the time he was stealing from us and lying but we tried to support him as we knew he was troubled. When he went to uni we were relieved and he seemed to have become a nicer person until we ended up living together again, that is.

I think some of his issues are to do with marriage split from his dad, who he was still keeping in touch with last time I heard from my ex. Starlady, you're right. I cant alter his mindset and its better to be apart for now. If only at a tender age he had agreed to family therapy, things might be different. His choice! We can only hope he finds peace. I dont miss the lies and being stolen from, no- not one bit!

Fortunately DS2 has always chosen nice women. We are blessed to have our Grandbaby and his parents here. One day they will have their own place, but babyhood passes so quickly and we're happy to be able to enjoy all the firsts and precious moments.