Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

Is Chinese a language?

There are several languages in mainland China and I'd assume we're talking about Mandarin but not necessarily. It would be a chance to communicate with DiL. Which language? Where to source appropriate books? Could the uncle in China find and post some suitable publications of rhymes and stories? Is there a cultural centre locally where advice could be had? Could op perhaps learn a few phrases and greetings?
Please don't see this as pandering to her. It could be a very positive move.

Toilet breaks! When you are trying to work and earn a living. Most of us brought up one or more small children without anyone else around much of the time to give us any kind of break. I would take my toddler into the bathroom with me, unless she was asleep or safe in her cot. I do remember it was nt easy, and some days if my husband was working from home, I would make an appointment with him to let me go to the toilet! But he was the parent and was happy to do his share.

I can imagine how hard this situation is for you. As far as evicting them is concerned, yes, legally you can, they have no rights in your property. Even if they were paying rent, you would just have to give them reasonable notice, usually a week. There is no tenancy agreement when they are sharing your house, not living separately.
But what is legal is not what it is about, here. At the moment, they cannot afford to pay rent. It is probably a while before your son would be entitled to any benefits, and probably his wife has no recourse to public funds, on a tourist visa. So where could they go? On the streets? Local authorities have very few resources, and no obligations towards a visitor.
The best thing would be to sit down together and establish some ground rules, but if your son does not soon get a job, I can see them returning to China sooner rather than later. What on earth possessed them to come in the first place with such false expectations?

Please don't discourage the interaction in Chinese between mum and baby.
Most definitely! Mandarin is being taught increasingly in UK schools and teachers of Mandarin are sought after.
They may be speaking a different language/dialect, but whatever it is, she should be encouraged.

This little boy obviously has an ear for language if he can already manage words like tomato at his age especially as he probably hasn't heard much English spoken.

This thread is becoming quite bizarre.

evicting them?

Jalima1108, I don't know about bizarre but very sad. Whilst I can understand OP's frustration, I can't imagine being in a situation when I was thinking about eviction of my child and his child, especially within a month. I think a lot of patience is necessary and a willingness on the son's part to encourage his wife to integrate.

Obviously dont want to evict them, but just want the pain to stop. This week Ive been really low due to all the horrid comments from DS, who keeps putting me down. As hed lived abroad for many yearsand hasnt lived with us for 6 years, Id forgotten that he can be nasty to live with.

Yes I do now think hes made it sound like a "better life" here, but its probably not.

Im getting on better with DiL but DS is not happy about it. I actually think he was happier when we didnt talk so much.

Lavazz good that things have improved a little with DIL. Try hard to not rise to nastiness. Maybe a response, in a calm "bland" voice " Oh well, you don't have to live here!" and walk away! Or if complaining about something you do " If its annoying you, go somewhere else!" There have been quite a few suggestions re responses to sneering etc on this thread from myself and others, maybe go through them and prepare your own versions ready for next time. Talking it through is best but if that's not possible, different responses might help

Definitely not bu! Ungrateful so and sos! You have a life and a right to it! If her parents want to buy them a house etc let them. Do not be guilt tripped!

@madgran77 thanks. I havent risen to nastiness at all and have been getting on with my own life.

The main problem at the moment is that its DS who gets up (reluctantly at 8am today) to give the baby some breakfast. She rarely surfaces before 11.30am and I'm hoping this will change when DS finds a job. I work from home (above the kitchen) so any movements would be obvious to me (unfortunately)

@lizbott I'm not being guilt tripped to give them anything. But, because I won't be manipulated by them they are keeping the baby away by keeping him in their room at times when I'm free. I have found out that DiL and baby will have to go back in 5 months when her holiday visa runs out- and if DS has not got an adequate job they will have to stay in China for 6 months. So, really it's probably just as well that they aren't letting us play with him- she will be the only constant in his life - even though she never looks after him for long.

They have lied about a lot of things and I am not going to fight to see him. If they want to behave in this ridiculous way, they can - and they must be more uncomfortable than we are. I'm sure five months can go quite quickly, really. It's a shame we won't be able to bond, but it also protects our hearts, I suppose.

Welcome, Lavazza1st! My heart goes out to you! Imo, you have gone above and beyond for ds and family - only to get nothing but demands and criticism in return. Hugs!

It's obvious to me that you and dil don't really care for each other, and perhaps you've resented her somewhat ever since she turned up pregnant? She probably feels your resentment and disapproval as much as you feel hers. But all the more congrats to you both for managing to get along to the point that you do.

I think it's totally out-of-line and audacious for ds and dil to expect you to be carbon copies of her parents or to suddenly start following the ways of Chinese culture (with all due respect). It's not even as if you're in China, they are in the UK

Also, I think you need to stop judging or questioning how they parent. (Maybe she keeps baby from you because she senses your criticism?) That includes concerning yourself with who gets up to make breakfast, etc. - not your concern, totally between ds & dil.

I'm glad ds is looking for work. And I'm glad that dh is going to talk with them about money. Also, I think you need to let them know that though you respect Chinese culture, you expect them to respect your ways in return and not expect you to do things the way they do in another country/China.

Also, Idk if you should say this, but they can't have things both ways. If they want to do things the Chinese way, they need to stay in China. If they want gs to be British, then they have to accept that most people around them will be doing things the British way, and they'll have to adjust.

Hopefully, while they're living with you & dh, you two are open to dil's celebrating Chinese New Year and whatever in your home, etc.

However, if they return here after those 5 months (they might not, of course), I don't think you should have them live with you. I wouldn't evict them now, I just wouldn't let them move back in. Give them sufficient notice, of course, so that they can find some other solution. Unless you're afraid they'll cut you out entirely like ditzy's son did. You'll have to decide what's more important - being around gs (as much as they allow it) or having more peace of mind. It can be a painful choice, I know.

Ditzy, I can't get over how your son reacted just because of childcare! I'm so very sorry! Hugs!

Let me get this straight. In DIL 's culture, I am given to understand ,Grand P's buy the house. So what's stopping the interpreters parents???

Cabbie21,are you for real? re toilet breaks
Quote.'some days when my husband was working from home I would make an appointment with him to let me go to the toilet?Trust he had a stop watch to hand?

@Starlady Yes I went to CNY celebrations with her and prepared a feast for the actual day.

You are right, it's not really up to me who makes breakfast...I may not have explained but it's a bit more than that. She is actually working online (probably a grey area but not my problem) and is making my son do most of the childcare, which leaves him with little time to look for jobs.

I totally agree, if they want to do things the Chinese way they can go back to China but if they want to be here, they need to integrate. I have taken DiL to Mother and toddler groups a couple of times, with the aim that she gets to know other Mums and gets a social life. She seemed to enjoy it, but not sure if she'll keep it up.

So sorry Ditzy for your sad experience. I am also a bit worried they might take Gs away. I have health issues that prevent me from taking care of him full time, but allow me to do desk work. They just need to stop trying to force their ways on me, really.

I think DiL will definitely have to go back as DS has still not got a job. She has been throwing toys out of pram that he can't get a job in the city and "just" buy a flat there. She really has no idea about money and UK prices. Not my problem, so I haven't said a word!

Yeah apparently the GROOM's parents are supposed to buy the house, hence contentiousness... No body told US that though before they got married and we aren't able to in any case. Ridiculous!

Ridiculous indeed!

PS She means In the city of London. Where property prices are even more astronomical than here. I'm not sure what kind of bubble she's living in, but it's about to burst even though it won't be me who bursts it.

It's my son's fault if he has allowed her to think anything like this would happen. We don't own a property of our own, even. What was he even thinking getting her pregnant and bringing here here??? We love Gs but are worried to get too close...

On yes, it's so easy to just get a job in "the city" especially with an unfinished qualification and little if no previous experience. (Please forgive me if I've got some of this wrong.)

Sorry to say this, but has your son perhaps blagged her with regard to his prospects?

I have a feeling that this is not going to end well

@Phoenix I agree with you and I do wonder the same, unfortunately.

Has this baby ever seen a health visitor ? I know you were worried about his diet and if I were you I would phone the local clinic and ask for a visit. All children should have visits now and again and this might jolt them into changing their ways . You could tell the HV your wories before she comes and ask her not to say why she was asking these questions.

Floradora there is probably a data protection issue that might prevent that!

The Health Visitor is taking an age to respond. Ds registered at SureStart for a Hv as the GP surgery took so long. Other's tell me HV do not get involved these days unless parents want, due to a lack of funding. Don't know if this is true.

I haven't gone to the HV because I've been told she will tell Ds and things are strained at home already because we only have one reception room and it's got a baby in it playing til late at night because "he doesn't like going in a cot". In a matter of months he will be back in the land of his birth and Ds assures me that his diet was "much worse" there! Really don't feel I can do or say anything, but quite frustrated with the whole situation.

OP sleeping for so long can be a sign of depression. It seems your son may have exaggerated your ability and means of helping .. and possibly even the size of your house and the presence of pets. And he doesn't seem to like you getting closer to your DDil - could it be because you might ask her what he said or promised to win her and her family? I have some sympathies for her (as well as for you) - as an interpreter she would have been reasonably well paid and now she can only work illegally; he is finding it difficult to get a job or interviews because he's underqualified for some if not all; her family did everything for the baby and they are now having to cope; she has no friends to talk things over with. I do recommend PP's suggestions of finding her the right local Chinese contacts. And for the 4 of you to sit down and discuss things as calmly as possible when the baby is in bed.

But one of the problems is that the baby doesn't go to bed! See Lavazza's last post. So it must be difficult to find time for proper discussion.

Oh, I increasingly suspect (without any disrespect to Lavazza, who is bearing the unexpected brunt of all this) that DS completely snowed DIL about his (indeed, their) economic prospects in the UK and expected his parents to bail him out of the consequences of him having given her totally unrealistic expectations.

DIL is likely to feel enormous shame returning to her home country after being taken for a ride like this.