Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

May I suggest that your DS gets your Grandchild registered with a Dr so you get allocated a Health Visitor who will help with up to date nutritional advice. That would be far preferable to you (or us!) giving them advice which might be outdated. The way the Chinese feed their children might be very different to the way we do it so your son's GF might well be scared/worried about the differences. She might also be suffering from PND. Put yourself in her shoes. She's come to a strange country to live with strange people who have very different expectations of her. It must be overwhelming.
Meanwhile, your son is trying to juggle you, his GF and a young son. Are you sure he isn't just enlightening you as to the culture in Asia but without any expectation of you doing the same but where you are feeling overwhelmed too, you are seeing criticism? Is he just sounding you out about childcare just in case you jumped at the chance?
Let's look at the positives here. You have the chance at a relationship with your Grandson. In 2 weeks your son has not only moved half way across the world but has also managed to get an interview. He doesn't sound like a slacker but may need every encouragement to keep up the impetus. I would also encourage him to speak to an immigration specialist to find out the best way forward for his girlfriend. It is an oddity in this country that, even if you marry an English person, you cannot work until you get leave to stay. It is almost an open invitation to people to disappear, enter the Black Market for labour and be untraceable. Far better to give them an NHS number, let them work and be able to trace them.
I've had adult children move back home with their families and it has always been stressful. We found ground rules openly discussed made things slightly easier but mainly it comes down to a lot of give and take on both sides to make it work. Sometimes that means biting your tongue, smiling sweetly and calmly approaching the given problem.

Lots of good advice on here, always easy to dish out but not always easy to follow. I put my foot down re childcare with my son, so he threw his toys out of the pram and I haven't heard from him in ten years now. Two grandchildren of whom only one seen, and that was ten years ago when she was 18 months old. I tried to resolve it, but being a selfish man, and prone to dig his heels in - like his mother! - there has been no response to my overtures. So I have put them all behind me, doesn't mean they are forgotten but if they care so little about me, they don't deserve me! It hasn't been easy, but I am in a happier place now I have accepted the situation. You need, perhaps, to issue an ultimatum, giving them six months to sort themselves out or else they'll have to leave. you have to think about yourself, this stress can't be good for you and life must seem miserable at times. Good luck.
Could someone please tell me what AIBU is, apart from being another stupid abbeviation?

Sorry, just read the other thread and realise that child is registered with GP and it is the DIL, not the son's GF.

ditzy Am I Being Unreasonable = AIBU

DIL does skype with her parents so they do know what Gs is doing.

I don't know how to delete a thread, but it's a good idea to only have one and I'll delete the other one if someone doesn't mind telling me how.

The latest is, son asked me to give DIL toilet breaks (I work from home) but I said no because I can barely concentrate with all the extra noise in the house, am behind with my work due to all the disruptions and also she needs to make sure he's in a safe place herself. I also think she will quite literally take the piss if I give her an inch but I have said I will take a long lunch from 12-2 if she needs help then. It's a big compromise for me and really inconvenient, but I'm willing to take a long break and NOT willing for her to keep stopping me working every time she needs a wee just because she refuses to put him in the cot!

Knowing her track record with being on her phone all the time, she'd most likely be in there using it and my work would be getting even more behind! I pointed out that I was a single parent with a one year old, 3 year old and five year old to look after and no one gave me wee breaks (or any breaks) I just got on with it.

I feel so sorry for my son, he's doing everything he can while she behaves like an entitled princess.

Ps I meant to say, today my son has just gone to a job interview.

I said no to giving her wee breaks because I work from home and I need to concentrate! I have enough trouble keeping my train of thought having them in the house as it is!
Potentially if I said yes to her having wee breaks, she could take the piss big time by hanging out in the bathroom on her phone every hour for a long time so that I'd end up looking after him, not her. Or she could up it and say she needs a bath...I wouldn't put it past her!

I know it sounds brutal, but I said that if she needs a wee, she needs to put him in the cot or buggy because either I am working or I maybe out on an appointment during 9-5. I am not always at home and can not change my work schedule for her because she does not want to be a parent. My other son who works in China has warned me that if I do not do what she wants, she may take the baby back to China to her parents. This could happen even if I DO do what she wants though. I am realistic about this and know I have no rights.

I've told my son to contact the HV and he is doing that today. I have said if I see her do anything dangerous, I will step in for Child Protection reasons but then I'll have a duty to report it.

Sorry, just read the other thread and realise that child is registered with GP
Ichtb with two threads running it is easy to become !

I don't know how to delete a thread, but it's a good idea to only have one and I'll delete the other one if someone doesn't mind telling me how.

You have to ask Admin to delete it for you, I believe Lavazza1st. That's our favourite coffee too, btw.

It may be easiest to just not post on the other thread and it will slip down the list.

About the toilet breaks - I used to bring toddler into bathroom with me - also do it when minding grandchildren! I think you’re right to be firm about that - she has options and if you take a 2 hour lunch break, that should be quite enough for her.

Sounds like dil is not very maternal- some women aren’t. I think in China a lot of women have to go back to work- sometimes even in another city- and grandparents do all the childrearing. She may have never really bonded with child.

You could report your first opening post Lavazza1st
GN may or may not delete it for you - if you think you have given too many personal details they may well do.

@icanhandthemback thanks,

@Farmor15 Re toilet breaks, thanks! Well, I waited around for 40 minutes and she didnt appear out of the bedroom, then the dog started being sick so I took her out for a walk... When I got back it was nearly 2 o clock and still no sign of DIL...

Son told me later that DIL doesn't like our house and doesn't like our pets...I said well there's nothing we can do about it. I suggested she goes out to toddler groups and offered to take her places, but said it's difficult as she isn't being friendly. Because they compared me unfavourably to the Chinese Grandma, I compared DIL to a previous Chinese house guest who loved our house and said how much she had liked our house AND pets... I said that she had known we had them before she came and that (other Chinese house guest) had thought our house was great! It went down like a lead balloon as suspected, but I feel better

DH has been ill all day and DIL didn't even ask how he was...She only appeared at dinner time and ate dinner sullenly, then disappeared.

DS informed me that DIL had changed a nappy on her own today. Gs is 17 months old!!! Tried to be encouraging, but inside was thinking all sorts of things like why only now??? Because her parents did it all, before...

@Jalima1108 thanks, I'll leave it there but stop commenting on it so it slips down...

Still cannot believe the audacity of DS and DIL... Fancy saying stuff about our house! It may not be big and we may not be super rich, but it's all we have to offer and we did make them very welcome and provided everything they would need for the baby. Even though we bought clothes and everything it was a one off because they could not carry much on the flight and we expected they would be massively grateful. What brats! Anyway, there is no point doing anything more for them since they can't appreciate what they already have here.
It has helped to post about it. Thanks to all who have read and commented.

Lavazza, I really hope your situation improves, it sounds incredibly stressful. I lived with my daughter and SIL from the week before DGS was born until just before his second birthday (took that long to build my granny annexe) because I look after him while DD works but I can visualise everything you describe so clearly because it's been very difficult here but not even in the same league as your problems. I suppose the best outcome is that your DS finds a job and DIL tries to become a mother ? but as you say, she might just take the baby back to China and give him back to her parents. It's a heartbreaking situation. ?

Thanks so much Beau!

Well we reached a new low today as she criticised my kettle and said it was dirty. I said she could clean it if she wanted to and returned to work.

I am going to ring the CAB tomorrow with a view to possibly evicting them as I've been crying all day due to her being rude about our house. My son said she does not like our house or pets, but I pointed out that she knew about them before she came - and so did he.

My husband and I are so upset about the lies they have told, including they said they named the baby after my husband and then we saw the birth certificate He's got a Chinese name and no similar name on there at all. We wouldn't have expected it but DS made such a big thing of the fact that he had named him after DH and we had no reason not to believe it. It was a big shock to find out it's not true.

I think she should go back to China because she can get her Granny (read slave) to cook, clean, baby mind , chop firewood , cater to her every whim and go to the market twice a day like she's used to. I simply CAN'T meet her expectations unless I give up work and even then I probably can't due to chronic illness.

She is using the baby like a weapon, keeping him holed up in the bedroom and not letting him play downstairs where there are lots of toys and space...so we are hardly seeing him anyway.

How can the baby learn English if he is in a bedroom with Mum?

@Lily65 he has picked up some from the time we did spend with him...but since she started to be rude and kept him away from us to punish us for not being what she insisted we should be, we have hardly seen him.

We have a large lounge, all baby proofed and lots of toys, so it's upsetting that she's cooping him up in a smallish bedroom (the beds take up most of the floor space) and not many toys. I heard her talking in Chinese to him :/

It sounds like a very stressful situation. Must be so difficult.

From what you write it appears obvious that DIL didn't really want to come and leave her family but that your son persuaded her that this would be a great opportunity for them all. But now she arrived it is nothing like your son led her to believe. Your son is unemployed and she is miserable - possibly depressed.

Their situation is very precarious - as she is on a tourist visa she won't be entitled to anything or even services for herself unless your son gets a job that pays highly enough for her to be entitled to a spousal visa. So I'm not sure that they can get housed even if you evict them.

However I would not be negative about her speaking Chinese to her child as this is normal and natural. Speaking to your child in a language that is not your mother tongue would be very odd.

Lavazz It really might be worth trying not to focus on the comments about your house/ kettle etc. Just don't react maybe! To any comment like that maybe just trying saying "Oh!" Shrug your shoulders and walk away

Maybe try to focus on the longer term and your relationship with your son and his family. Your DIL may be rude etc but is obviously also very unhappy (brought on by her own actions maybe, bit still very real to her!) She is likely very homesick and that is hard. I know how hard you have tried but if you don't focus on the longer term relationships you might regret it

If she insists on keeping your grandson in her room then in the end that is up to her and at least it means she is having to do some care. Don't take her actions as being a "punishment" to you; they may or may not be but its still her choice in the end

Is there any way that you can get them to sit down with you and your husband, ask how things are going for them etc and explain calmly your own concerns. Not complaining, just stating facts, not emotions but " I have to work during the day so I cant help! However I finish work at ...! Would you like us to give you a break / bath */ look after etc etc whilst you two talk/go out/ watch tv etc etc. ie stating what you can offer as well as saying what you can't!

It must now be about 3 weeks since they arrived and that does seem very quick to be thinking of evicting ...again, do please think long term or you are in danger of losing them

You are ALL unhappy in this situation and I feel for you!

PS "talking Chinese to him" ..that does seem ok really! He will learn English if they stay anyway.

PPS is his name a Chinese version of your husbands name?

Is there a cultural thing going on here? I think that even the friendliest Chinese People who I have met tend to have inscrutable (possibly miserable to us) faces and tend to be quite plain speaking.
I know that my daughter worked for two lovely Chinese people but they did have very strange ways. Their son was not allowed to have colouring pens, playdoh or anything that might make the slightest mess. He had to work really hard and nothing but the best was acceptable. That didn't make them unkind, just harder to please. My daughter found it quite distressing at times but it was very obvious that culturally they were world's apart from us.
I can imagine it is very difficult for you because you were expecting a very different situation with maybe a little gratitude thrown in. I can see you hurtling towards a no contact situation with your son and grandson which would be quite tragic. I don't think you should pander to every whim but I do think you should try not to be offended or hurt by the behaviour. She is probably very unhappy too and is acting a bit like a wounded bear. If you allow your emotions to be as unruly as hers, it can only end in catastrophe. You have so much more to gain in the long run if you can be strong enough to shrug the criticism off even if it is only a long distance relationship in the end.

I do feel for you, OP. I come from a different culture myself (still European, though, so wouldn't even think of saying something was dirty in another's house!) and remember taking me awhile to adapt. By the looks of it, though your DIL isn't even trying to understand or adapt. Fortunately, my wonderful DH was a great facilitator in our family dynamics (even though he was treated like a king back home ?). He'd explain to them (as I'd learned later) that being straightforward and perhaps not "Brit-polite" then, was just my culture. He'd explain to me too certain "rules", traits, etc (ex. Do not under any circumstances interrupt Corrie ?). I also guess that all of us working towards being a close family was detrimental in making it happen. It did require mutual respect, patience and understanding and I absolutely love my PIL! Perhaps talk honestly to your son and explain to him how close to a breaking point you are? In my experience, he should be the one that proactively helps and manages expectations! I truly hope it works out for you all ?

Please don't discourage the interaction in Chinese between mum and baby. I' d go so far as to encourage it by finding age-appropriate books in Chinese so they can share them.
It's a wonderful advantage to be brought up bilingual and while building a mother/son bond he will be understanding concepts, ideas and relationships which will transfer over into his second language.
I appreciate that you are coping with a very difficult situation but please appreciate the benefits to the wee chap of growing up able to switch between languages.
I've known many bilingual families and the children are at no disadvantage at all.