AIBU to feel offended

The baby is nearly a year old, is thriving and should be fairly settled by now. The baby is your DD's child, not yours, so assuming your daughter is, at least 20 then she is old enoug, fit enough and quite capable of looking after the baby herself. I mean that is what a parent is meant to do.

To save aggro in what is obviously a fairly snippy relationship, I would slowly but surely disengage. If you you are visiting everyday to help, find reasons for missing the occasional day, for arriving later, leaving earlier, then book a weekend away. Have a good long holiday this summer. Gradually let her bring her child up the way she wants to with just occasional help from you when she requests it. If you do do any childcare, ask for written instructions and a care plan.

Presumably before the baby was born, even conceived, you managed to occupy your days with other activities from housework and gardening to friends and hobbies. Resume that life (of course, if for the last 10 years, you have sat round the house all day waiting for grandchildren then there is a problem, but very unlikely). Anyway, return to the pre-baby way of life with some time set aside to visit and enjoy your grandchild. Let the mother do the caring.

Well never mind why the daughter is reliant on the mother here, that wasn't part of the question.

What we have to ask here is, does the mother accept that she should do things the way the daughter dictates or not. There isn't a wrong answer here, but the way forward depends on the answer.

Solution 1: If yes, then ask for proper instruction from the daughter (ignore the internet - go straight to the horse's mouth) and try to get it right , then the criticisms should stop. If they don't, then go to solution 2

Solution 2: If no, or if you've tried Solution 1 unsuccessfully, then some self-help or counselling to overcome lack of self-confidence is the way to go.

Solution 3: Probably not the right solution but if all else fails tell the daughter you're not going to help any more and hope that she comes running back to you rather than going NC.

Does DD really want all this help? Perhaps she is trying to disengage from Mum doing so much, but doesn't know how to tell her.

Yes Farmore15 I was the same to my mum. Sad sbout it now when its too late to apologise. Hope OP's dd reads Gransnet. Milly12 you might be doing nothing wrong and there may be no real reason your dd is behaving like this other than she is a new mum.

Get your daughter to write out instructions/directions as to how she would like things done. Perhaps as this is her first child she is over anxious and sometimes the younger generation think we don't know how to do things.

I don't mean this in a nasty way, obviously you love your daughter and grandchild, but she knows best how she wants things done so let her get on with it and do it herself. It's no good wearing yourself out, help in the first few weeks should have been enough.

A baby joins a family, not the other way around. That family is made up of several units with different approaches and ideas, but at the end of the day, almost all sing from the same hymn sheet by wanting the best for that new addition. Grandparents are a great resource but not there to be abused, we are not someone's lackey to be used whenever the occasion strikes. Childcare is so expensive and everyone wants to help out. Experience seems to count for very little these days, the internet is not always right it is, however, it is a helpful tool if really stuck. The other issue is about control, so many posts on forums or social media always go to the 'It's your kid, not hers/his', which then kicks off this frenzy of nasty uncalled for criticisms of someone they possibly don't know. We don't want your kid, we just want to help, why? because we've been there and done that, that's all. What enjoyment does any grandparent have when they are constantly being berated at every twist and turn. Hand over the child and say you know what call me when you're ready to sit down as an adult and talk about what really is the issue because I don't want to live like this anymore. Children are not ammunition.

I remember well when my children were babies and my mother came to help me. I used to look forward to her visits and fondly imagined i would feel comfortable leaving them with her and enjoying a bit of freedom, then we could go out together shopping or for a meal. In reality I found it didn't work out very well at all. For some reason everything she said or did irritated me. i didn't like her chumminess with the community midwife, who I really didn't get on with. I was totally unreasonable in this respect but I really couldn't help myself. I think this was a similar situation where two people try to share a kitchen and fall out. She really could not have done anything to make me happy, although I wanted her help on an objective basis the primal me was subconsciously trying to see her off as competition.

When the children were older and I had less protective feelings than you do for a tiny baby I felt much happier about her involvement.

I would suggest you treat her to lunch out and just try to see how she is feeling, it might not be as logical as people are saying.

wow what a rude daughter you have, I babysit DGS quite a lot as DD has ME and sometimes gets exhausted. He;s been staying with us at least twice a month plus since he was around 3 months old and not once has she said anything against how we deal with him, She only ever gave minimum instructions like how to prop food for BLW and not to give him squash because he drinks too much of it

Milly12. I cannot believe you allow yourself to be treated in this way.My response when she starts her criticism would be 'well I managed to bring you up and you are still here so if you can do any better then carry on'.

Yes, I would be offended too! In fact, I would stop helping if my methods were such a problem.

I helped both my daughters after their babies were born and I'm happy to say that there was no friction involved. They laundered clothes like me anyway and I knew first hand how to wash babies delicate clothes so they learned from me.

Maybe, you and daughter could have a few hours together away from your homes and other people and bring the conversation round to the subject, explain to her that whilst you want to help her out you find her to be critical and hurtful.

Don't give up completely until you've tried to sort things out though. She may not realise her actions are upsetting you.

You've given help now let her do it on her own!

Say something like ‘I know I may be old fashioned, but perhaps you could tell me how you would like things done’. She may not even know that her comments are taken as criticism.

You bought her up without any serious mishaps I presume ?? So what is her problem. I believe in total candour, so I would say that altho you want to help.......and then tell her exactly how she is making you feel. No one has the right to make anyone else feel inadequate, no matter who they are.

My #1 daughter has had lots of childcare help from me and grandpa with older child, now 12 and small one, now 3. She is very particular and picky and also had paid nanny help for 18 months the second child, partly because she broke a food in pregnancy. She did work each time after the year off. Nannies obviously get instructions and do it right. Grandparents get criticised a lot, sometimes because we do things wrong. Daughter and kids are vegan. Both fathers were not there after 18 months or so.

I think one thing making daughter grumpy and critical is that she feels torn between wanting to do her job and not wanting to release control over the kids. Grandpa mostly ignores things . he also doesn't obey as much as I do, but never did with daughter and her sister either! I do try to do it her way but on occasion gave non-vegan by mistake and did other things wrong. I do not want to lose the ability to see the kids so keep it zipped.

A friend once advised me when I got the first grandchild that you get issued with a zip at that point. #2 daughter is not like that at all even though she works. She is too far away for me to do child care and when I go she says just wants me to enjoy the child! She was an easier child too and still is.

broke a foot!

Oh and fathers do not live with daughter now but one shares 12 yr old 50% of the time and is back-up sitter for both kids and probably has wings and a halo. Other father did not manage such a good break up but also sees the child when allowed and has her for a day or two.

Maybe she feels bad about not coping without you. She may need a few compliments from you to reassure her.
BTW has anyone unwittingly offended DDiL? Mine was so upset at something I said but I had no idea I was being offensive. I thought I was sympathising! Could be a clash of cultures but I have to be so careful now which is a shame because she’s great.

I'm lucky (in a way) as I live too far away to provide help, and so far my DD hasn't needed much, but I do sympathize with the fear of doing/saying the wrong thing about childcare when methods/views are so different from 30 years ago (and I often can't see how or why they're better most of the time!). I too lack confidence and my clever SIL seems to know so much more than I do even though I've had three children and he's been a dad for six weeks...!

Ever heard " you always hurt the one yo love" I bet DD feels wholeheartedly out of her depth and is constantly anxious that she is being a good mum- so in those circumstances she might be lashing out at the one person who won't let her down- Wrong I know but post- natal is a funny time.........Try asking her to train you in how she wants the little one looked after. I tried this and after a while my DD relaxed ...and started asking my opinion. It is difficult but she does love you even though she is being super critical. Good luck ..... when she gets the next one she will be happy with whatever you do...you'll see ?

I had no help from my mother and she told me that she done the child rearing work and intended doing no more. My M in law was more willing to help although I felt that I was just doing her a favour to watch her bathing my baby as she used too much soap and did not rinse it off enough. I expected all this and was not discomposed. I guess there must be a special reason that your daughter is leaning on you. Is she in poor health?

I also did a Red Cross baby first aid course to reassure my DD but luckily didn't need it..... little ones are 14,10.6,3 now so we all survived that crazy postnatal time .
Chin up you sound wonderful

Washerwoman I was in the same situation as yourself with my daughter, especially after the birth of no 3 when her husband was incapacitated with 3 slipped discs! Two years later we had a major row, in public, and I walked off leaving my sister in tears and my daughter stunned into silence.
Two days later she phoned me and we talked but didn't resolve anything, an hour later she rang again, all excited, to say that she had an offer on a house in a nearby town.
Long story short - she viewed it, accepted and moved that weekend. I subsequently refused to move closer to her and we've built up a pretty good friendship in the 9 years, (and another GC - 4 now!) since.
Sometimes we have to step away, say no, and let them find solutions on their own. We also need to live our own lives, independent of our AC & GC.

Always have to smile benignly when I read this oft repeated 'My house, my rules'. Suggests a kind of smart alec smuggish kind of bullying to me. Whilst I sometimes disagree with certain strict regimes which are applied to my GC (e.g. no sweets) I most certainly honour them. My thinking is that I had my chance to 'inflict'!! my 'trendy/modern' notions on my children and I now let them do their own thing. Quickly agree that I have considerable reservations about some of their restrictions but they are done in delightful love and care and I simply watch in/and wonder.

Has anyone thought that the daughter may be suffering from post-natal depression? It doesn't matter how long after baby is born this can happen. It takes 2 years for the body to return to normal after a birth. Just a thought?

I only care for my dgs when he is poorly and can't go to pre school. I always ask my dd to leave written instructions of what to do and when and also what he can't have too. It works.