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Daughter is not talking to me

(149 Posts)
Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 17:47:02

I am new on here, but I am looking for some advice. I have arthritic knees and shoulders and now find things much more challenging than I used to.

My daughter has two children aged 10 and 13 and she has just had a total hip replacement, unfortunately she has had one or two complications but she is now at home. She lives around a two hour drive from us.

The difficulty has been that her father and I have both had colds and haven't been to see her. It has been six weeks now since her operation, and she is very upset and feels that we don't care. I don't think she is even speaking to us now as I haven't from her in a few days. She has accused us of never being there for her.

Last year she broke her leg in an accident, and admittedly we couldn't see her, as we had booked to go to Spain on an extended holiday, and we didn't see her in the end. She ended up having surgery on her leg, and she seemed to be managing even though she lives rurally and couldn't drive anywhere for six weeks or maybe it was eight weeks, she has nice friends that helped get the children to school I think.
I explained I couldn't cancel our trip as I had promised my sister we would be there. In any event we have never had help from our parents with our children, so my husband's view is that she should just get on with it.

The timing wasn't great as she also had a cancer investigation following the accident, and she feels I didn't support in this either, as she was going through a bad time waiting for the results. I don't know what to make of this, I did text her to check how she was doing.

I know she is struggling to look after the children on her own after her hip replacement, she sends me texts and she sounds very upset. I am not sure why the hospital haven't given her proper pain relief.
We are the only family she has left as her in laws died many years ago. We are getting old and we can't do what we used to do anymore as much as we would like to.

EllaKeat Wed 13-Mar-19 17:49:53

Its not a question of doing, it is a question of supporting her and showing her you love her.
Can see none of that in your OP.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 17:51:45

Thank you for your reply Ella, my daughter knows we love her. We have done everything for her over the years, and she hasn't been the easiest character.

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 18:00:18

All those weeks and difficulty in coping!
No wonder she's thoroughly P*** off!
You can manage a holiday in Spain although she needs your help but can't make a trip to support her. We are all getting older but don't just opt out, even with colds!
May I ask just how old?
(This post is so ott that I have to question its validity.)

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:05:28

I am 68 and my daughter is 41.

I have had two hip replacements myself in the last few years. I didn't ask her to come to the hospital every day or to come and help her father. We were okay and muddled through, so I know it isn't very nice but it isn't long before one come move around again.

I get very stressed when my children are ill, it really takes it toll on us. I couldn't sleep very well the night before she went into hospital. Its not that we don't care, we just can't do as much as we used to. Nothing ever feels like it is enough.

Bridgeit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:06:33

Is this a windup?

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:07:31

No it is not a wind up!

dragonfly46 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:07:57

I must admit I wonder. My daughter is due to have a complete hip replacement. She lives south of London but despite my own visits to the hospital I will be going down to help out where I can. It is what you do. It sounds as if you resent her by saying she is not the easiest character - does she know you love her, I wonder!

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:09:11

I don't know why you think it is a wind up. My daughter has really upset us. She is a kind and loving daughter, but sometimes she expects too much of her father and I.

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 18:09:59

Seriously, would you mind saying how old you are as that could help us understand?

MissAdventure Wed 13-Mar-19 18:10:27

Oh, I'm sorry, but it does come across as really mean, oldandpastit.

Couldn't you have spared her a little time, at least? sad
She must be so, so hurt.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:11:14

Dragonfly, my daughter decided to move two hours away. It would be much easier to help and visit if she lived closer to us. Her father is nearly seventy and it is a long drive for both of us.

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 18:11:42

So sorry. Missed the fact you're 68.
3 years younger than me then!

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:11:50

I am 68 and I am old! Not a young grandmother.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:13:41

Missadventure. I have had a cold, her father needed antibiotics. We would have gone but it took a few weeks to get better. In that time her messages have become really quite distant and then almost angry. I am surprised as we even sent her some flowers and explained we were ill.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:14:20

Are you a new poster Oldandpastit
If so, welcome.

From your OP it appears that you are not so past it that you didn't manage to get to Spain?

Liz46 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:15:13

I am nearly 73 and not in robust health but I go and stay at my daughter's if she needs help. The children are told to be good and try to help Nan as she has not been well.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:15:49

I am 68 and I am old! Not a young grandmother.
This has to be a windup, you became a grandmother in your fifties and 68 is not old.

MissAdventure Wed 13-Mar-19 18:16:25

Maybe you had the 'lurgy' which has really lingered for a lot of people, oldandpastit?

I didn't mean to offend you; I'm just thinking how it might feel to your daughter when she herself is at a low ebb.

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 18:17:43

Colds and anti biotics don't render you incapable. I'd have understood more if you were 10+ years older.
Get a grip!
It's your family who need help and sympathy!

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:18:01

I am new on here. My sister uses the site and recommended it. She has many more problems than I do with her children!
Thank you for the welcome.

It was easy to get to Spain, my husband drove us to the airport and I booked wheelchair assistance, and my brother in law drove us around when we got there. My daughter seems to think if we can get to Spain then we can drive to her house, what she doesn't seem to understand is that her house is quite a bit further than the airport. She seems to think we were having a marvellous time out every evening, the truth is my knees hurt whilst we were there, and I have been feeling somewhat low beforehand.

kittylester Wed 13-Mar-19 18:18:45

And, welcome from me too!

crazyH Wed 13-Mar-19 18:19:32

I really don't want to sound accusatory, because we are all different. I think our children should come first before anything else. I probably do too much for my daughter and her children. But then, I am on my own and nothing else to do really. She is divorced. Granddaughter prefers to stay with me when my daughter is away with work. I should be really happy about that, and ofcourse I am, but my daughter hardly ever says Thankyou. She takes me for granted. But then, did we not take our mothers for granted? I tend to let things go over my head. Do what you can Oldandpastit. She is your daughter after all.

NanaandGrampy Wed 13-Mar-19 18:21:22

Good grief!

Does she REALLY know you love her ? A ‘cold’ has meant you haven’t seen her after debilitating hip surgery. A holiday meant you couldn’t help her when she broke her leg ( I get you had promised your sister but I suspect you’re in the minority , the rest of us would have cancelled our trip) .

All I see is ‘me me me’ . Flowers were a huge help when she is struggling to manage her home, kids etc. Does she have a partner?

When I read about some of the things grans here have gone through and not one of them played the ‘ I am old ‘ card, they did what they could but you did nothing.

I’m not surprised she’s angry with you, and hurt I imagine.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:21:39

Liz. I wish I could go and see my daughter when I feel like it. I don't drive so rely on my husband to drive us there. I am not confident on the transport system, and my knees would be a problem.

Jalimall. If you had all of my health problems you would feel old too. You are fortunate not to have to endure it.