Gransnet forums


Daughter is not talking to me

(150 Posts)
Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 17:47:02

I am new on here, but I am looking for some advice. I have arthritic knees and shoulders and now find things much more challenging than I used to.

My daughter has two children aged 10 and 13 and she has just had a total hip replacement, unfortunately she has had one or two complications but she is now at home. She lives around a two hour drive from us.

The difficulty has been that her father and I have both had colds and haven't been to see her. It has been six weeks now since her operation, and she is very upset and feels that we don't care. I don't think she is even speaking to us now as I haven't from her in a few days. She has accused us of never being there for her.

Last year she broke her leg in an accident, and admittedly we couldn't see her, as we had booked to go to Spain on an extended holiday, and we didn't see her in the end. She ended up having surgery on her leg, and she seemed to be managing even though she lives rurally and couldn't drive anywhere for six weeks or maybe it was eight weeks, she has nice friends that helped get the children to school I think.
I explained I couldn't cancel our trip as I had promised my sister we would be there. In any event we have never had help from our parents with our children, so my husband's view is that she should just get on with it.

The timing wasn't great as she also had a cancer investigation following the accident, and she feels I didn't support in this either, as she was going through a bad time waiting for the results. I don't know what to make of this, I did text her to check how she was doing.

I know she is struggling to look after the children on her own after her hip replacement, she sends me texts and she sounds very upset. I am not sure why the hospital haven't given her proper pain relief.
We are the only family she has left as her in laws died many years ago. We are getting old and we can't do what we used to do anymore as much as we would like to.

dragonfly46 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:23:55

I am 72 and my husband 75, we live in the Midlands and my daughter lives in Kent. I have breast cancer and undergoing treatment, albeit, nothing too intensive yet but when she has her hip replacement we will be going down either driving for 3 hours or going by train. It is what families do. When my sone was in hospital in London for 7 weeks a few years ago I was there every day even though I left my husband 200 miles away.
Of course it is up to you but do not be surprised if your daughter feels abandoned.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:24:52

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

March Wed 13-Mar-19 18:25:57

If there comes a time OP when you need help like your daughter did, when you're on your own and not able to move or you're even bed bound after a serious operation, I really hope you don't expect your daughter to help you in any way shape or form.

Infact I hope she sends you flowers explaining that she has a cold.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:26:26

Good answer March

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:26:39

Nana. my daughter is married, he is a kind man and does much more to help than my husband ever did.
He has a very demanding job so he is barely in the house, and apparently he could only take a few weeks off. It is really down to them to sort things out, they can't expect her father and I to do everything. We have done our bit. More than our bit. She spent the best part of a year in hospital when she was a child, and I was there for her! We both were. It never stops.

I am hurt that she thinks we don't care. What more does she want me to do? I call her but she never answers the phone. I text and she hardly replies. What more can I do?

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:29:26

I am not a troll, I am asking for advice.

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 18:32:00

As a new member you have NO idea of the health problems of posters and how they overcome/ deal with them to help their families when they're in need.
A quick tally would show many on here suffering sore knees/hips/shoulders. Or broken limbs /chronic illness. Recent or imminent operations. Difficult chemo or radiotherapy.
Even colds and infections that need anti-b's!
Many suffering grans are much older than you but do their damnedest to be there when necessary and only very reluctantly say no when they have to.
I won't buy into this windup/ pity party. All my sympathies are with your daughter.

NanaandGrampy Wed 13-Mar-19 18:32:53

I’m afraid actions speak louder than words Old .

So your daughter has a husband who is rarely there , not surprised she needed some help .

I hate to break this too you but ‘it never ends’ she is your child whether she is 4 or 40. Of course you were there for her when she spent a year in hospital - where else would you have been ?

I’m sorry you’re hurt but if you truly cannot see why she might not want to have anything to do with you then I’m sorry for your short sightedness.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:33:11

My husband calls us old and past it, and I think we must compared to everyone on here. Our health problems can't be helped.

I will talk to him and see if we can go and see her in the next few weeks.

NanaandGrampy Wed 13-Mar-19 18:33:29

Well said mcem

MissAdventure Wed 13-Mar-19 18:35:11

Please do go and see her.
I think it's the only thing which might help the situation.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:36:33

Thank you for your replies, it seems that no one understands what is like to lose a daughter, to have my grandchildren growing up miles away. I didn't choose for her to live a hundred miles away! She choose to leave us, and broke my heart. She used to come and see us every fortnight, she hasn't bothered for such a long time. I am sorry that I need to explain why we feel so old, or that others have worse problems. With my daughter it has always been one thing after another. Nothing is ever enough!!

MissAdventure Wed 13-Mar-19 18:38:10

Lots of people have adult children living miles away; thousands of miles, for some.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:38:34

missadventure. I would go and see her but she has just said it is too late now. I have just texted her.

So it looks like she doesn't want to see us anyway. Do you see what I mean now? Its not me. I am trying to do the right thing.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:39:52

My husband said we should just leave it now, we have offered and clearly she doesn't want us there.

EllanVannin Wed 13-Mar-19 18:41:02

Oh dear.

MissAdventure Wed 13-Mar-19 18:41:31

Oh, how sad oldandpastit.
I hope you can make amends, bit by bit.

I suspect your daughter may feel it's too little, too late, but you're her mum, so I hope she doesn't shut you out for good.

Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:43:11

I have been made to look really bad on here, but I have done my best for both of my children.

Cold Wed 13-Mar-19 18:45:40

The problem is that if you come across to her as you do on this thread - you really don't sound very bothered about her - at least not enough to put yourself out when your holidays, sister, cold, and own feelings all come first.

Your adult daughter has had 2 very serious surgical interventions plus a cancer scare and her own mother refused to prioritise her at all! Most families would rally around during a major medical crisis - but you chose not to do that. Can you not understand that she is feeling very hurt when she had a terrible accident and major surgery and you didn't even bother to see her?

agnurse Wed 13-Mar-19 18:45:46

Let's try it the other way and see how it sounds.

My mother is very upset. She had her hip replaced recently. She did have some complications. We live 200 miles away and have small children so we can't always be there, plus the kids have been sick recently.

Last year Dad got really sick. Mum was mad that we didn't help her because we had booked a vacation in Spain and we promised the ILs we were going to be there.

I had my hip replaced last year and it wasn't all THAT bad. Mum just needs to get on with it.

Everyone would be appalled, wouldn't they?

aggie Wed 13-Mar-19 18:45:51

I am 81 and still managed to go visit my Daughter and child mind over half term , My eldest Daughter came with me and we had to drive to the airport , get on the plane , take a tram , then a bus , it is what Mums do

NanaandGrampy Wed 13-Mar-19 18:49:40

I’m afraid old , you’ve made yourself look bad .

I’m off this thread because I can’t believe it.

BlueBelle Wed 13-Mar-19 18:55:42

Oh my word I can’t believe what you are saying I m 74 and fly to another country to babysit’ in fact I m going next Month as my daughter has to go away
I don’t drive or have a car either and takes me three trains to get to the airport I don’t blame your daughter for thinking if you can go to Spain on holiday why can’t you make it to hers, her father too not just you
I m sorry but you don’t sound at all caring of your daughter
who seems to have a run of bad luck healthwise she’s had a broken leg with complications and you didn’t see her She’s has a total hip replacement and you haven’t seen her She’s had a cancer scare and you haven’t bothered apart from a text I really can’t believe this is for real
It’s all about you isn’t it and you don’t even sound at all sorry or surprised over your treatment of your daughter


March Wed 13-Mar-19 19:05:04

It IS absolutely you OP.
I've never read a more self centred thread in my life! Your poor daughter!

Your daughter needed you TWICE after TWO serious operations.
First time you went on holiday and second time you had a cold and had the cheek to explain to your daughter, the one who had a hip replacment with complications, that the reason your couldn't come and help her was because you had a cold.

My dad had terminal cancer and still offered and managed to take his grandchildren to school in a morning on his 'good days'.
He was literally dying and he still managed to put his Daughter and Grandchildren above himself.

I'm off too. This thread has given me the rage. Infact I'm going to text my mom to see if she wants a glass of wine and I'm going to give her a massive hug.

H1954 Wed 13-Mar-19 19:07:08

I have arthritic shoulders and knees too and exercise is THE BEST THING for it!