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Daughter is not talking to me

(150 Posts)
Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 17:47:02

I am new on here, but I am looking for some advice. I have arthritic knees and shoulders and now find things much more challenging than I used to.

My daughter has two children aged 10 and 13 and she has just had a total hip replacement, unfortunately she has had one or two complications but she is now at home. She lives around a two hour drive from us.

The difficulty has been that her father and I have both had colds and haven't been to see her. It has been six weeks now since her operation, and she is very upset and feels that we don't care. I don't think she is even speaking to us now as I haven't from her in a few days. She has accused us of never being there for her.

Last year she broke her leg in an accident, and admittedly we couldn't see her, as we had booked to go to Spain on an extended holiday, and we didn't see her in the end. She ended up having surgery on her leg, and she seemed to be managing even though she lives rurally and couldn't drive anywhere for six weeks or maybe it was eight weeks, she has nice friends that helped get the children to school I think.
I explained I couldn't cancel our trip as I had promised my sister we would be there. In any event we have never had help from our parents with our children, so my husband's view is that she should just get on with it.

The timing wasn't great as she also had a cancer investigation following the accident, and she feels I didn't support in this either, as she was going through a bad time waiting for the results. I don't know what to make of this, I did text her to check how she was doing.

I know she is struggling to look after the children on her own after her hip replacement, she sends me texts and she sounds very upset. I am not sure why the hospital haven't given her proper pain relief.
We are the only family she has left as her in laws died many years ago. We are getting old and we can't do what we used to do anymore as much as we would like to.

Specs Fri 15-Mar-19 06:53:19

BlueBelle totally agree with your post. This has to be a wind up? Otherwise Oldand... you’re adult parenting skills suggest serious neglect (emotional and physical). It seems you’re DD is now taking the initiative and removing herself from further hurt and let down. By severing contact with you she has, in a sense, taken herself ‘into care’. I’m afraid we all have to live with the consequences of our actions. My heart goes out to your very unhappy and parentally neglected daughter. ??

notanan2 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:12:58

But I am almost 68 and have health problems and couldn't help much physically.

Bet you would phone and be interested though!

notanan2 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:33:46

We have done our bit. More than our bit. She spent the best part of a year in hospital when she was a child

I really dont know where to start with this. Your children dont have a quota of help tokens that get used up.

You were SUPPOSED to be with your sick child. That was bare minimum not above and beyond nor was it a favour to her.

notanan2 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:44:55

This isnt meant as nasty I just find your posts so void of any understanding/emotion towards your daughter that I wonder, do you normally struggle with social/emotional cues?

Is there something else going on with you which is making you this emotional enept and unable to get it?

I cant figure out whether you just genuinely resent your child for having feelings and needs? Or if you just dont get normal social norms & emotions.

Flowers and a text is caring if its your colleague or employee. It is detatched and odd if its your family! With family you ring, you ask, you are interested, you know whats going on even if youre not physically there

annep1 Fri 15-Mar-19 08:35:06

Yes you're right Notanan of course. I would nake the biggest effort to get there. And we talk all the time on the phone. I suppose I'm just reluctant to be too harsh in case the Old... isn't explaining properly. And there are times when I've made a great effort to get to the sun and relax hoping it will help me feel better. And hoping the children will understand that as well as visiting them I need this too. But my children know if they need me for anything just to say. (My son once asked if I would fly over to go to an MRI scan with him as he was nervous lol)
This is a strange post to put it mildly.

annep1 Fri 15-Mar-19 09:05:05

make not nake!

Maggiemaybe Fri 15-Mar-19 09:29:04

Whatever the rights and wrongs here, I feel the OP has had a right kicking. Her age is irrelevant and without knowing her we can’t assess her state of health, and therefore her ability to travel and to help out. As for stating that a middle-aged woman needs to put herself in care because her mother’s neglecting her, well, words fail me!

I’m not saying I agree with everything the OP has done or not done. But I think she’s got the message now.

Gmum Fri 15-Mar-19 10:12:35


Madgran77 Fri 15-Mar-19 11:33:41

Maggiemaybe I agree!!

HurdyGurdy Fri 15-Mar-19 11:49:05

I have started typing many responses on this thread and deleted them, having previously had my knuckles rapped by GNHQ.

All I will say is that I am astounded by the OP's stance on her parental obligations, regardless of the age of her child.

Hazeld Fri 15-Mar-19 12:10:41

I can't really understand what your problem is Oldandpastit. I am 66 years old and not long had a hip operation, my other hip needs doing and both my knees are knackered but as far as I am concerned my kids come before anything. I certainly wouldn't let a 'cold' stop me going to help them if they needed me and I would have to go by train to get there. And 3 trains at that. I also have COPD which can be debilitating at times. But None of this would stop me helping my children. They come first above anything else.

Esmerelda Sat 16-Mar-19 16:11:31

I'm really not sure what to say about this. The OP sounds so self-pitying and yet self-satisfied, justifying behaviour and attitudes that are so indefensible that many deem it to be a wind up. However I think this is totally genuine and I do hope some of the helpful comments are of benefit and even the others questioning their behavior go some way to making the OP think about how they have treated their daughter. As the daughter's husband has a demanding job I imagine the move may well have had something to do with his work, or perhaps the children's needs, or it might have been financial ... we just don't know, but the assumption that it was deliberately to get away from them is strange (or not so strange, maybe, with what seem to be rather cold, dismal and unsupportive parents). I really hope some of the responses here have shocked them out of their self-righteousness and they can start building bridges with their daughter towards a much better relationship.

SSDGM Sun 17-Mar-19 00:36:39

Thank you, OP, for giving me the much needed reminder to give my mother the biggest hug I can. My mother has driven over 12 hours by herself to be by my side when my children or I needed her. My in laws have also moved mountains to help us in our times of need. Your excuses are pathetic, you seem annoyed that your daughter could possibly still need your help as an adult. Some compassion and empathy would go a long way in your case.

Coolgran65 Sun 17-Mar-19 04:20:14

I've just had a thought..... I wonder does the op have a personality problem. I don't wish to latch on to autism label but perhaps it is just not within her ability to show warmth, caring or understanding. Perhaps op is honestly doing her best as she sees it.o

It's the only reason I can see for her lack of what we would consider normal behaviour. Of course, it would then be odd that her dh is of the same attitude.

Lisalou Sun 17-Mar-19 07:04:34

Hi Oldandpastit, welcome to the site. I am sorry, but I have to join the people that think you are not "that old". I get that you both have aches and pains, and that it is not easy, etc. but then think of my mother, who is now 81. If and when I have needed surgery, wild horses could not have kept her away - so much so, that for some tests i needed some years ago, I didnt tell her, as she would have panicked and been sitting in the hospital for the duration. I know ANY planned holiday would have been postponed, or cancelled. Having said that, it goes both ways. If she has a sniffle, I am there for her, we both tend to fuss over each other.
Maybe you could find a solution to the extra driving (I can see that a two hour drive might be hard for some) by taking a train or a coach to her part of the world. Could her partner/husband collect you? Sometimes just a visit makes the world of difference when you are down, I know from experience.
Good luck with it all and I hope you can patch it up with daughter

notanan2 Sun 17-Mar-19 07:14:10

Coolgran I also wondered that which was why I attempted to explain how flowers can bè kind and caring in some contexts and formal/detatched/inappropriate in others.

If the OP is interested we could unpick why the daughter is upset for her and help her to understand and fix things. The daughter clearly wants a relationship.

But perhaps she isnt. Some people really do begrudge what they do for their children and think they should be off the hook, with their children forever indebted to them, as soon as children are adults.

Blackbags Sun 31-Mar-19 03:06:35

You’ve currently got the relationship with your daughter that you deserve.

TerryM Sun 31-Mar-19 03:34:35

OP ...I wonder if perhaps you were there a lot for her when she was young and she misses that mother ?
My mother and I did have a bit of an up and down relationship but she would support me
I know my mother wanted me to 'ask ' for assistance.
Do you think your relationship with your daughter was fine ? Would you miss your daughter if she decided to contact less and less?
Are you 'paying her back ' because she left you ?
I hope you have the relationship with your daughter that both you and your daughter enjoy
Reading over my post it does seem to be a bit dot formatted but I hope it helps OP

rosecarmel Sun 31-Mar-19 08:06:23

Maybe my grandchildren are strangely compassionate, young as they may be, but they've learned to look after their parents and each other by watching their parents take care of each other and them- The parents rearrange their schedules to meet family priorities - They've had to navigate their fair share of struggles and as a result experienced growth -

agnurse presented the OP situation in reverse - I don't think anyone responded - Why?

The OP cared enough to cut the apron strings - Their daughter needs to grow, to depend on her husband, to shoulder her decision to move to where she did - They need to work together as a family -

clementine Tue 02-Apr-19 18:15:29

This is a tragic post in my humble opinion. There is a lady with a young family, has had major surgery, no other family other than her parents , who aren't in a position to help . Luckily she had the support of friends. I admit to feeling bewildered by the tone of the post, as really the poster seems to be trying to justify not giving their daughter any help or support due to their age ??? I am 66, my husband 72 and we travel once a week 100 miles to care for our grandchildren. Have been doing this for seven years. We do have days when we don't feel 100 % but battle on . We also mind a 14 month old grandson another day a week and he certainly keeps us active.

You have your own health problems by the sound of it and I sincerely hope eventually you feel well enough to visit , it will do you both good and even if you can't do anything physical , just being there and making her a cuppa will be appreciated

cornishsue1 Tue 02-Apr-19 23:25:33

I feel so blessed. My own mother who died recently at the age of 92 was there for my and my children every single day of my life. Every illness or problem I, or the children, had she was always there to help, even if the past few years it was emotional support rather than physical. She would have cancelled any holiday or event if I needed anything, and she rang me every single day to see how I was. I never once, not ever, had to ask her for any help, because she always knew and was always there.

I must admit I feel a little sad for your daughter in having to make so with a text at such a worrying time.

Cosmos Wed 03-Apr-19 07:17:54

Yet another wind up post. We all fall for them. As if someone clearly not interested in her daughter and putting herself first would need our input.

alchemilla Sat 06-Apr-19 12:56:17

I call reverse.

Mousepotato Sun 07-Apr-19 20:53:16

This post has to be bogus. No one in their right mind would say they are old at 68, jaunt to Spain and then can’t travel two hours to be with their daughter. And then lastly mention how many illnesses they have and hopes no one has to go through it. If not, then these two are the most selfish people in the world and their daughter the unluckest with all her health issues. No husband mentioned. I just find it all baloney.