Daughter is not talking to me

If she hadn’t have moved away I could have helped her more it was her choice not mine, remember

How could we forget, but you really still don’t get it do you my son and long term girlfriend moved to NZ to start his married and family life and that was his choice My youngest daughter moved to Europe where her husbands work took him I still go over if I m needed my eldest too moved to Ireland I used to often go over to babysit when the children were young she’s living near me now as her partner died
You really don’t think you have done anything out of the ordinary do you ? But I bet you’re the only grandparent on here who wouldn’t rush to their child’s side if they were ill or badly injured or hospitalised
You I m sorry to say are very wrong over this, but you are still arguing your corner and st don’t get it at all

Hello Oldandpastit and welcome. It seems to me you are deeply upset because your daughter is giving you are hard time because she feels let down by you in her hour of need and you can’t understand why. Is that right?
When you read all the responses on this thread do you feel misunderstood ?
Have you ever stood upto your DH who seems to encourage a very distant and non practical approach to parenting?

Are you talking about a child or a grown women of 41, a little pathetic she cannot cope, grandkids are 10 and 13 old enougth to help mum. Sounds as though she is quite spoilt and demanding. Would suggest more holidays to spain. Go for it. Not sure why grand mothers believe that they need to be in the middle of their daughters marriage like some stand in husband. Interfering domineering mothers who still have to hang on. The sunday family gathering of roast dinner, which most in laws try to avoid, and acting as mediator for the their daughters in most matters and the dreaded christmas dinner stressful for all. Let go and make her independent, get a hobby and stop worrying about her, adult kids should be caring for their parents and she should be there for you not the other way round, youth today are spoilt and lack respect for their parents, and too much is expected of ageing parents to be running around after adult kids, grand kids and babysitting. Go travelling enjoy your life and let go. The more you do for them the less you will be respected. I am a grandmother of two wonderful grand daughters, they have parents fantastic parents, who I trust to raise them well. We all lead our own lives and have respect for each other. And am sure most husbands would be happy to see the back of most MIL's.

Well, that adds a bit of balance, I suppose.
Just goes to show we're all different.

I get what you're saying about travelling. . My son lives a 2 hr drive from Rennes airport which is dufficult with M E.. I can go to Malaga which is very easy to get to from rhe airport.
But I think I would find some way when your daughter needs you so much. You could do overnight stops. I have travelled to visit my children in England by car going overnight stops. I certainly would not have gone to Spain when she was so ill. It just looked thoughtless and uncaring. I find this incredible.

Blimey another selfish one I didn’t think there could be two but you ve found your alter ego Old
No one on here suggested being interfering or getting in the marriage if your child is hospitised and very poorly and you don’t think it’s right to help out then you aren’t a very nice person either

I was wondering when the other side was going to come in too. MissAdventure
We all live our lives as best we can by our own lights. Some are empathetic, others distant. I don't think a person who has little empathy can imagine a different way. I feel sorry for the OP.
I am somewhat in awe of the wondergrans on here just as I was in awe of superwomen who brought up perfect children, had fulltime jobs, wonderful marriages etc.
Here we have 2 rather needy women who are unable to help eachother.
Also 2 rather selfish sounding men.
I hope you can recover your relationship oldand

Have only just read this but it sounds so incredible (whyever would the daughter feel unsupported??!!) that I have to think its a spoof...

Excuse the errors in my post.

Gmum maybe they can't do much but they could be there (see my Eeyore post)
Daughter obviously wants it. I couldnt say no. They don't stop being our children because they are adults.

adult kids should be caring for their parents

I can see OP getting quite the shock when that day comes

Remember oldandpastit, what goes around, comes around. If I were you, I'd start thinking about who's going to care for you in advanced old age. My money says it won't be your daughter. You reap what you sew.

Oldandpastit, I must assume this is a windup. If it isn't, I feel sorry for your daughter.

It is a silly generalisation anyway, What if your child is disabled, in mind or body, what if they have husbands or children who need daily support.

We spent 2 months looking after our AD after she was seriously injured in a car accident and for several years after that were there for several weeks every time she had yet another operation. Not every AC has a spouse or partner, or children to look after them.

Actually, despite the problems of reorganising our lives for a few months, we loved every minute of it, we had ample time to chat, to make plans for the future and once she was well enough to have days out. I was almost sorry when she became self suffcient again.

Goodness me, now I've read a post that says the OP's daughter is spoilt and demanding, I think I can see how jolly selfish the daughter was to break her leg and then require a hip replacement.

I'm now also seeing the help my own daughter needed when she had an emergency appendectomy as a very 'me, me, me' move on her part. I think perhaps she may even have got ill on purpose!

I'd start thinking about who's going to care for you in advanced old age.
Be nice to your children, they may be choosing your nursing home.

Indeed Jalima. I have my eye on St Rognvald's House in Orkney, personally.

I must investigate it!

Ooh yes, looks rather nice

she seemed to be managing even though she lives rurally and couldn't drive anywhere for six weeks or maybe it was eight weeks, she has nice friends that helped get the children to school I think.

This all sounds very vague. I would feel that if you did really care, you may not physically be there, but you would have been intetested enough to know a bit more than the above indicates!

The timing wasn't great as she also had a cancer investigation following the accident, and she feels I didn't support in this either, as she was going through a bad time waiting for the results. I don't know what to make of this, I did text her to check how she was doing.

I am not a big phone chatter, I prefer texts, but I think if someone I loved was going through the above, texting would not be sufficient.

I can see why she feels unsupported.

I get what everyone is saying about caring and I've said it too. But I am almost 68 and have health problems and couldn't help much physically. I can't even be guaranteed to make flights that I have booked to visit children. So maybe we aren't being fair? Sometimes you can look ok but not actually be ok.

Oldand - you say your husband says you're both old and past it. That attitude is unhealthy. I'm 10 years older than you and shall not detail my boring health issues. I don't consider myself past it.
Make the most of your life and of being in touch with your family. I think your husband is pulling you down because he perhaps doesn't want to bother with your daughter. It's good that you've decided to visit her.

Ok so you went on a prebooked holiday to Spain.

Apart from that you and dh have health issues....but not enough to prevent a holiday in Spain.

You and dh had colds.
So we're talking about being unable to help because of colds.

I think you and dh should have taken some cold relief preparations, got your arses into gear and driven to your daughter.
You should still do this, no matter what she says. Stay in a nearby hotel for a couple of nights. Show her she matters. If you care then show her and hope she forgives you.

If she doesn't then maybe she feels it's better than being let down again. So much lost over the effort to make a two hour journey.

Oh dear, Oldandpastit. I do feel that you have let your daughter down big-time. Colds? A holiday? Aches and pains? A 2-hour drive?

Nothing in this world would stop me helping my daughter if she needed me!

When she was going through a cancer investigation you texted her ...?

'She sounds very upset.' 'We are the only family she has left.'

I know we are all different, and I do hate to criticise you - but you haven't done enough, and I'm not at all surprised that your daughter feels that you don't care about her.

If you want to save this relationship, you and your husband should make the effort of the 2-hour drive. Go and see her NOW!

(Although I think you might be too late to heal the wounds that you have inflicted upon her. )

Annepl I would certainly not blame the poster if she was so ill she couldnt get out and about BUT even that does not excuse her from not being compassionate, caring, loving and interested If you are totally housebound (poster holidayed in Spain so not housebound) you would expect her at least to be ringing everyday to give her daughter support, care, love, interest

The poster comes across as detached, self centred and not really bothered in fact it’s all a big nuicence to her and the husband (I’m not sure if he’s the girls father) and it sounds disgraceful in fact so awful I m still not sure this is a genuine situation)
My heart goes out to the poor daughter