I left my husband after nearly 40 years?

Our hormones generally make us women more amenable than men, so that after the menopause we are often thought to be more contrary. Perhaps our judgement is clouded before the menopause rather than afterwards!

I really feel for you, could you join a group or do some volunteering as a way to make friends? Craft groups, knitting or crocheting for charities or visiting elderly neighbours or hospital visiting are all possibilities or volunteering to talk to someone else who is lonely on the phone (can’t remember the name of the charity). If you’re fit there are local walking groups and schemes such as Borrow my Dog, where you can walk a dog without the costs of owning one. You will find other dog owners are often friendly and will chat and you might have local dog walkers meet ups. Even if you’re disabled, there are things you can do, including manning a helpline from home for a set number of hours a week (expenses paid). Search online for opportunities or talk to your doctors surgery and library. Forums are also a great way to make virtual friends, if you post regularly.

Being lonely and isolated isn’t a good reason to go back to abusive relationship and it’s likely he would be even worse if you do. You might find it harder to take after two years away. Best wishes for the future. Rosey

I broke away from an emotional abusive relationship and the worst thing is they make you doubt yourself, even when you are no longer with them. That negative seed of lack of self confidence continues to grow, like you are thinking maybe it is the menopause. It is not the menopause, it is HIM, he is the problem, not you, he is in the wrong, not you! It takes years of healing to fix yourself after being whittled down by an abusive partner. You are a strong woman, you were brave enough to move on, get him out of your life, do not let those seeds of doubt take root because then he has won, he is back in your mind, controlling your life again. I use mindfulness to help me live in the here and now, and focus on positives, deal with anxiety, it helped me move forward with my life. I wish you all the best for your future.

Currently unless there is mutual consent you will have to wait for five years. However, consider, life is not great at the moment but is it worse than living with him.?He sounds horrible, a selfish bully and does these things because he can. I do hope you have got his threat to give up work if you push for a divorce in writing. Furthermore perhaps the rent you have had to pay for five years may be taken into account when settling the finances. IN any event, get some legal advice.

Cookie you are so right. Friend says he has whittled away my self esteem. Sometimes you think whichever way you jump or whatever decision you make it will be wrong. I am still here mainly health but age as well. In the past told me I look like big fat red blob in new dress ( size 12/14). Had hair dryer confiscated. Told me people laugh at me. Has said people only pretend to be friends. Very jealous and paranoid. Spiteful. Have now warned him if he hits me will dial 999. When you consider 1 in 4 women will be abused in their lives it is appalling. So if you think you should go and are fit enough do it.

I'm sure that you are doing the right thing. It's sad when a marriage ends but the way he behaved was terrible -menopause or no menopause.
Allow yourself time to adjust to your new life and be kind to yourself - you deserve it, I'm sure.

I feel for you. I finally divorced my husband who had for decades used psychological abuse. He agreed to divorce if I said that he'd committed adultery, but not if I cited unreasonable behaviour . But maybe you could go down this route? I don't know how you prove unreasonable behaviour , but a lawyer would know. I wish you well and a much happier future.

As has already been said, if he doesn't agree, then divorce is granted after 5 years seperate on. If he doesn't contest, it's 2 years.

We didn't use a solicitor! Once I had petitioned my H realised I was serious. Tried to keep it amicable (not easy) but my petition was granted within 4-5 months. I had simply attached an outline of the reasons for the marriage breakdown. Exactly what parliament is planning ....
The simple solution.

I made sure my will was in order to reflect my single status!

Wishing you all the very best whichever route you decide to take.

Yes I have been in your shoes and through the menopause years he nearly convinced me that I wasn't mentally stable. Til one day the 'light' came on and I have never looked back. That was in 2006. New divorce laws now make it easier.

I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was and still am. FREEDOM felt wonderful.

He is soon to find out his entitlements arnt what he thinks they are.

Good Luck and enjoy the freedom that is coming your was

I've some experience of divorcing after a long marriage, and offer you the following random thoughts :

Try not to think about consigning a 40 year marriage to the bin - thinking of it as "30 (or whatever) good years which sadly didn't prevail".

A solicitor will give you all the practical advice you need and will be acting solely in your interests. Not to take him to the cleaners but to get what is legally your entitlement.

His potential claim against your pension would only be viable if his pension is significantly less valuable than yours.

Don't bad-mouth him to family members, even if they encourage you to do so - there's a dignity this that won't go unnoticed. As PPs have suggested, you may have one or two close friends in whom you can confide the full picture, provided you're convinced of their ability to keep things confidential.

Lastly, being the sole person to dictate your life from the time of your divorce is a wonderful feeling - it sounds as though this is something you richly deserve. Chin up and good luck!

First of all, you are definitely doing the right thing. As I've said before on similar posts, we get one life and we deserve to be happy. My husband walked out of our long marriage - even though he was the one who'd had affairs and behaved appallingly. It was on the day he left, having met yet another woman (to whom he is now married) that I decided to file for divorce. It was Christmas Day so I had to wait a couple of days, but I did it. That was a few years ago now. I spent a lot of money on legal fees but after taking him to court and learning about the powers that judges have, I decided to invite him to meet me privately to reach an agreement. He accepted my terms - which were not a 50/50 split, by the way. I remained in our house until I sold it and I've now purchased a new home of my own for cash. Recently moved in and am planning to spend some of the divorce settlement on getting it just how I want it. I have a decent occupational pension but work to supplement it. I have no regrets about divorcing him. I totally understand it when you question what you ever saw in the man - me too! Do get legal advice - and take good care of yourself. Don't underestimate the stress you're under. Let us know how it goes.

seajaye Just joining the other posters to wish you all luck. Don’t go back to him , it will only get worse as he gets older. Just make sure your will is in order.

Similar position, I divorced after 38 yrs due to his behaviour. He couldn't wait for our children to grow up and leave home and was even jealous of my dog for heavens sake. Best thing I ever did, I had a few years of learning to undo a lot of the damage 'gas lighting' had done but I'm glad I did it. I wish you all the best for your future without him, but I do think you should have a good chat with your family. It may surprise you to realise how aware they already are and possibly been waiting for you to leave. I left with nothing, I would have cut my arm off and given him that rather than stay with him. Enjoy the rest of your life

You have passed the 2 years , so go to a solicitor get the first half hour free. They will represent you and receive payment after the house is sold . Make sure you have a written agreement on the solicitors charge .
You have been so brave so far , so get to it then you can put it all behind you and step forward into the future . The threat from your " husband" won't hold water and goes to prove how he still wants to control you

Good luck ...all will be well ??

The new law announced just over a week ago you can now divorce on a no blame just divorce plain and simple. I belong to a art / discussion group 25 members 15 of them women. Most of them are divorced-separated or unhappy in their relationships an off shoot group as also started for bisexual women and 8 of the group have joined that.

Seajaye, welcome to Gransnet and hats off to you for being brave enough to post - you should find a lot of support on here, some good advice and a forum where others have relatable experiences and so have a reasonable understanding of your circumstances and the emotions they conjure up.

That the menopause can have some crazy symptoms does not make you crazy and any self-doubt is likely to be in some way traced back to your husband playing his mind games on you and trying to convince you he is right and you are wrong - do not tolerate his crap. Any threats he makes in letters, text messages etc make sure you keep as they could be valuable evidence of his abusive behaviour, manipulation & guilt-tripping. You have proved you are a strong woman by leaving him and you can remain strong by fighting for what is rightfully yours and not letting him bully you in a divorce as he did in the marriage. Stand firm and stand your ground - you've done the hardest part in leaving. As for family dynamics being upset, if people knew what he was really like I'm sure they would support you and you say your children are now adults - they will cope.

I hope you can make contact with old friends or develop new friendships, find work or voluntary work, interest groups or a hobby you enjoy to ease the loneliness. Your husband may have made it too uncomfortable for you to invite people into the marital home but your rented flat, and, in time, your new home, should be places you can invite whoever you like - look on the process as part of your new life, take it slowly but enjoy making independent decisions, personal choices etc.

Many solicitors offer a free short first consultation - if you can find one of these go armed with a list of questions you feel are important, and a list of any assets - if they give you information sheets and leaflets read them carefully and add anything useful to whatever the solicitor tells you to better prepare your case.

I wish you well and hope in another year or two you look back and feel the relief of having done the right thing and the joy in the freedoms your new life offers. Good luck

It seems that it's two years (without blame) if both agree, but 5 years if one party doesn't. In order to divorce before 5 years under those circumstances.
These people will give you a free one hour consultation: www.klrsolicitors.co.uk/divorce.php?gclid=CjwKCAjw7_rlBRBaEiwAc23rhuAMMIwmy_KDIcsbcp7-fZ2atnyDE1CMmF9Eo68Zg_mhFUc05m213RoCjM4QAvD_BwE

Sorry, after circumstances I should have said you have to have a reason which you will see if you look up that website - klr solicitors

When I split up after a 27 year relationship that had gone badly wrong I found it difficult to be alone at first although it was what I wanted. But it passed. After a while I met a really lovely man (internet dating) and now I couldn’t be happier. Five years have gone by and sometimes I regret not getting out earlier but it all worked out in the end. I hope you will also find joy in life again after such a difficult time. I wish you the very best of luck. Unfair financial loss is very hard to bear but once it is over and done with then life can move on and the compensations can be great.

Get professional advice re the legal aspect. His behaviour sound like control and coercion. Menopause or not your gut hasn’t changed - go with it!!
You are in my thoughts, it’s a tough time but to have put up with what you have shared here you are, clearly, tougher!

Sorry to hear you're worried by 2nd thoughts, Seajaye.

The law is changing such that one spouse can't stop the other from getting a divorce, but not sure of timing if when this comes in.

Good luck

I'm sure you've done the right thing leaving him. Life's too short to stay with someone who puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.
See a good solicitor and follow their advice. You'll make new friends and enjoy your freedom once things have been sorted out legally.

This is my first time of responding to anyone & never posted before Seajaye but your post just made me feel I had to. I was is a very similar position to you after 40years back in 2013 which has prompted me. In brief the advise I was given by my solicitor was everything would be split 50/50. I actually handled the actual divorce myself, only paying a small fee to the solicitor to check my paperwork. However, I did need a solicitor to sort the financial matters because when pensions are involved you require actuaries reports & they only speak to solicitors direct not individuals. However the best advise I received from the solicitor was not to sign the decree absolute until all financial matters were agreed & settled. It meant that although I had the decree nisi fairly quickly after the initial 2 year separation, it was another 15months before I was totally free. I do get lonely sometimes but I’m far happier than I had been for years in an emotionally & physically abusive marriage. Don’t go back, he will have you totally where he wants you! Good luck.

Reading your post, I do not think the menopause has anything to do with your decision to leave your husband and divorce him.

I get the impression that you have being putting up with mental abuse for years. This is just as damaging as physical abuse, if not more so.

I am glad you found the courage to leave and I trust you will be able to live comfortably after the divorce.

In your place I imagine I would feel that no price is too high for peace of mind and that even living on social security would be better than the marriage you describe.

Some very good advice above Seajaye that I couldn't improve on but I wanted to say welcome to GN and that I admire your courage. You sound like a very decent human being who put up with a lot for a very long time.

Please stick up for yourself financially with the good advice above from others who have been through similar to you.

Then I hope you can move on and live your life happily and peacefully. Best wishes for the future