Names

So which part of my comment exactly was nasty? ?

How often does your M-in- Law need to use your child’s surname?
If she is refusing to use it when it matters ( playschool, school pick ups that sort of thing) then she is definitely in the wrong .
Anything else try to turn a blind eye, she will probably get bored with it if it isn’t an issue , best wishes ?

callisteman I like the Icelandic tradition. Greek friends tell me they’re shocked by the way women in the UK disappear from family trees. Anyone tracing their ancestory will confirm that. I’m amazed the mediaeval patriarchal way children take their fathers last name persists

Thanks for all the comments. Just to confirm, for example, child called Sally Jones Smith. Her surname is Jones Smith. My surname is Smith, my husbands Jones. Mother-in-law luckily lives quite a distance, but whenever she sends anything to us, she puts:-
Mr J Jones
Miss S Jones
Mrs S Jones

I don’t use Mrs, or Jones! She knows this but refuses to use my name or my daughters, she just makes up her own version. It is also odd because her daughter was Miss S Jones.

I know its minor and I don’t lose sleep over it, I just find it so disrespectful to change someone’s name and refuse point blank to use their actual name, ie the one they use and the one on their birth certificate!

I think I’ll just call her Bob and if she asks why I’ll tell her I prefer it. ?

Give it a rest Bibbity, you are becoming boring.a

Could you say you would like to explain the surnames we are all using as she is obviously a bit confused and tell her in simple terms ? Perhaps she'll then feel embarrassed and use the proper names. And if she doesn't say 'Oh dear you are getting forgetful 'and explain it laboriously all over again and then say'do you think you can remember that now or should I write it down for you?' I would find it very irritating if she persisted.

Actually, I rather agree with Bibbity's suggestion to call the MiL by an irrelevant name. She is being awkward and difficult and will not accept the name the parents have given their child.

It is not, as some have suggested, a matter of no regard. The giving of names to our children is deep and significant, look how significant it can be to adopted children that their parent given name is changed for a adopted parent given name. How surnames can be changed when someone inherits a large sum and estate and takes the benefactors surname, the importance of those private names between lovers, that are never forgotten. The changing of surnames when a parent causes deep harm or hurt.

If I acted like this lady, I think my family would be justified in shortening my name to 'Mon' or 'Nica' , knowing that I hate dimunitives and like the full name.

Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose, I know that is the wrong way round, but this MiL is a goose.

Start calling her 'Goose'.

I never use their surnames - unless sending them something in post very rare though. Thank fully they only have one surname

I deliberately gave both my children names that if left long were dignified normal names, but had several known diminutives that range from the very affectionate sounding to the macho. I reasoned that they would grow up with their own identities and that would shape which version of their names they chose to go by, as well as different people they knew having different relationships. So I would never have been upset by someone deciding to give them a nickname. But when it comes to the surname, calling them the wrong surname is more about the relationship to the parents, and shows some lack of respect.

It’s not that hard to write 2 surnames instead of one though, its only another 5 letters. She just doesn’t want to because she doesn’t agree with our child having my name also.

It’s a wind-up on her part and it’s succeeding. She’s rude, but you aren’t so just ignore it.
Even so, I’d love to shorten her name when addressing her, e.g. Mrs Smi or Mrs Jo, but that would put me in her level.
My dgs has a hyphenated surname, with our surname before his father’s, but is only known by his fathers surname and I never thought about it being irritating before, but now . . .

When I was married for the second time (neither times I changed my surname) a very elderly friend of my mother only ever used my husband's surname my name is Terry Blah but she would always have our letters and cards sent to Mrs Husbands surname. It was her age .
My husband and I are the only person who call our son his Proper Name. Everyone else use a very abbreviated version.
I suppose what I am trying to say is ignore her. If your daughter queries just say Nanny forgets somethings.
She maybe doing it just to bug you

Nonnie it's probably not helpful to bring a dispute that arose in one thread over into another thread. Otherwise none of us who had ever spoken against anyone anywhere could ever live it down and no one would ever be able to move on.

Hmm.i must say i dont get much call to use the surname of any of my GC.i simply speak to them using their first name- if on occasion i send them a present direct to them(most of them are in another county) i DO put their name& surname on- but mostly in day to day life it doesnt come up.You could always try change it around and put your surname in first in the 'double- barrell' and see if shes just really objecting to your own name or just the tiresome use of the young trendies using two names slung together for whatever reason they have these days?i understand you wishing to keep your own name( buisness or career reasons etc) but if youre a married couple whats wrong with a child having its dads name anyway?

It's not respecting your wishes ...but in my view no worth a big fuss.

The whole Icelandic thing is too complicated for me i think callistemon.

I would return the post sent with the wrong name as not living here

When I got married, in some ways I wanted to keep my surname as it was unusual but it didn't sound quite right with my husband's name. My name was also difficult to spell and pronounce so I let it go. Now I'm divorced I sometimes regret that but then I like sharing my surname with my children. So far DD remains single so we all still share a surname. If I had kept my name or gone double barrelled I think my MIL might have been a bit snarky about it, so at least I didn't give her the opportunity!

My DDs keep their own name but the grandchildren have their Fathers surname , it was such a palaver writing cards to them ( both names are Mc.....) that I started just using first names on cards .. they now address my cards to ... Gran .. then address , no surname used lol

What a shame that two Gransnetters have used this site just to have a go at each other. It spoils the content and genuine posts from the other members.

Just get dc to call her nanny or gramma which ever she doesnt like. Tit for tat l know but will feel good.

ReadyMeals yes, you are entitled to your opinion but I choose to refer to other posts when the person concerned has made obnoxious comments which actually relate to this thread. When a person who chooses to come onto a site intended for people much older and appears to only comment about MiLs it is entirely relevant to refer to what has been said against MiLs in other threads.

Bibbity if you cannot see that your post ofThu 25-Apr-19 21:47:30 was entirely unhelpful and destructive to the relationship of DiL and MiL I hope you will when you are the recipient of a difficult DiL.

I cannot see the point in driving a wedge between someone else's family members just because there is one in yours. Answers which would help the relationship are surely more beneficial.

"she doesn’t agree with our child having my name also", this is the key issue Razzy rather than the details of the names. Its partly different conventions for different eras and generations, but also that your MiL wants her son to 'own' the household. Nowdays this taking of a mans name is often seen as putting a woman on a lesser footing, but in the past it was the norm (when arguably we were on a lesser footing!). My own mother always addressed post to me using both my husbands names, i.e. Mrs John Smith, as if my own first name was no longer valid and I was the possession of my man. It never failed to irritate me, but I steadfastly ignored it. Engaging in a discussion with my mother about womens emancipation was never going to end well.

Sounds as though she is a bit old fashioned. Try to rise above it for the sake of family harmony unless she does something like puts money into an account with the truncated name. Then wave your child's birth certificate in her face.