AIBU for not wanting nana to be called mama?

Thanks everyone, yes what’s weird to me is the insistence, pretending to our face to call herself Bebe Joon then soon as she walks out the room she calls herself mama and tells my dd to stop calling me mama lol. If my dd turned to call me mummy which probably will.. it wouldn’t even bother me as yes it’s just a name, but it’s everything else, the fact she try’s to be the mom and calls herself every variation of the word mother lol and that she try’s to teach my dd my first name.

She will walk down the stairs going “we going to see hawa now, hawa don’t like you spending time alone with mama don’t she?” Even my dd gets confused and doesn’t really like her,
The only alone time they get is when dd runs up the stairs and mil races to get her so the alone time is literally mil picking her up on the stairs and walking down. And this is mainly because I don’t trust her.

My mother lives 5 hours away and sees my dd once every few months yet my dd has a far stronger bond with her! Will sit with her for hours on end and even try’s to say grandma! Which does come out as mamar lol.

It’s just the whole thing is getting to me, I feel upset that I can’t leave my dd with my mil for few hours while I run my errands or go have time myself but dd just hasn’t warmed to her or that side of the family and I generally think it’s because mil is always in her face begging for cuddles and taking her away from me lol. My dd will grab her shoes and come to me and be like “mama yas go” (her name is Yasmin) after 15 minutes of being in the house lol

This is very serious. You are under reacting.

This is not a matter of calling her mama.

She wants to be her mother, erasing you from the picture. What good grandmother does that?

What good grandmother tells a child: "hawa doesn't like you spending time alone with mama?"

Why is she using your child to do the dirty work and confuse her?
Your dh must tell her to drop the games or she will not see her grandchild.
Next visit, one warning for her to drop her games and if she does not do it, you leave.

You must protect your daughter from unsafe people.
A person who wants to usurp your mother role, disrespect you so openly and groom your daughter to fill her needs is not a good role model for your daughter, it does not matter there is a DNA link involved here.

Now, I am ready to be called crazy by other posters. I know it is coming

Well, being as your daughter doesn't seem to like her, and you sure as hell don't, I don't see what you are worrying about.

You must protect your daughter from unsafe people

Cobblers!

It's just a name.

There are far more important things to dwell on and get upset about.

Lighten up, chill out.

Naneh, perfect for you to be called as you are Persian.

Now, I am ready to be called crazy by other posters. I know it is coming
Well, I wouldn't say you were under-reacting

Anyone got their onesie on yet?

You say you’d be happy for your mother in law to be called Maman, but are distraught that she is known as Mama?

Is there really a massive difference?

It's all quite surreal Maggiemaybe

mama yas - so she is 'mama yas' now, not just mama

I think you are enjoying the fact that you think your DD has not warmed to her or that side of the family

This does not bode well.

I am going to put on my onesie now.

How often do you see this horrible woman?
The name is just a symptom of the bigger issue.
See her much less. Give yourself some space. She is awful. She does not like you at all. It’s ok, focus on your baby and husband.
She (and some of these posters) seem to think you have to have this woman in your life. You don’t. She should only add joy, if she adds stress she’s out.
Teach your baby to call her “Mrs Last Name”

Callistemom

No I said my daughter will come to me and be like “mama, yas, go” meaning me (mama) my daughter is called yas, and she’s telling me to go out the house in her baby speech language. She does not call me mama yas. She calls me mama. As I am her MAMA.

And yes I do quite enjoy it considering when she was a newborn my mil loved to tell me how much she can’t wait for my daughter to turn 1 because then she won’t be breastfeeding as much and will love her more than me.

imagine your mother in law turned to you 1 week post partum and said “ohhhh, I can’t wait for your baby to stop breastfeeding probably around one, and be like “I can’t wait to go to mamas house (referring to herself) because I love her more than you”.

I bet you are quite the grandma yourself considering how you take things

Thanks! Twoslicesofcake

Luckily my husband is on board with the no alone time. Even he said it’s completely ridiculous, and his sister used to be so upset when she was called by her first name for years while her son called grandma “mama” but she eventually got used to it.

Honestly this whole kid couldn’t say grandma so mama stuck is actually a excuse. My niece couldn’t say grandma so she said mamarr but my mum still referred to herself as grandma and wooooooo my niece said grandma eventually.
I think many of these mils whose children call them mama secretly wanted it and I bet Their dil weren’t too impressed

I bet you are quite the grandma yourself considering how you take things
I am indeed!
Love all my grandchildren, love my DC, my DDIL, my SIL and love DIL's mum too.

The grandmother should choose what she wishes to be called WITH THE AGREEMENT OF THE MOTHER.
Your mother in law is clearly overstepping boundaries OP and you should dig your heels in.

"imagine your mother in law turned to you 1 week post partum and said “ohhhh, I can’t wait for your baby to stop breastfeeding probably around one, and be like “I can’t wait to go to mamas house (referring to herself) because I love her more than you”. "

I would see that as a red flag. Or I might laugh about it (to myself and DH). But I would definitely see it as weird and out-of-line.

"... his sister used to be so upset when she was called by her first name for years while her son called grandma “mama” but she eventually got used to it."

So MIL won w/ SIL and she thinks she's going to win again w/ you and DH

"Even my dd gets confused and doesn’t really like her, ... dd just hasn’t warmed to her... and I generally think it’s because mil is always in her face begging for cuddles and taking her away from me lol"

So MIL seems to be trying to usurp your role as the mother, you're upset by her, and DD doesn't really like her... So why are you seeing MIL twice a week?

And, Hithere, I don't think you're crazy at all. IMO, you gave Hawa very good advice.

There have been other threads that have sounded so similar - that's all I am going to say

I'll leave you all to it.

Oh right! That's why you've been on about your onesie! I thought you were just tired.

That too, Gonegirl!

Love all my grandchildren, love my DC, my DDIL, my SIL and love DIL's mum too

And I'm willing to bet that you show that love by (amongst other things) respecting your DCs wishes when it comes to their children, by not crying when you don't get your own way, by not insisting that your DGC call you something that your DC don't want them to and so on

I'm afraid I do not see any difference between how this grandmother is behaving and the coercive control of some husbands or partners.

Callistemom

Yep! I have read every single thread on the internet lmao that’s why I came here to ask opinions from actual grandmothers and not other daughter in laws who might add fire to my fuel.

I wanted to know why a grandmother would want to be called mama also!

Probably because she has a closed, fixed, mindset with few ideas about who she is beyond being a 'mother'. Possibly because she feels / fears that without that identity she is no one. And probably because she is very lacking in self-awareness, unable to see herself with any objectivity.

I have no idea how to fix things - she sounds as though she needs to get out more, meet a wider range of people and so on, but I suspect she would be very resistant to such suggestions. But your DD is yours and your husband's child, not hers; try to keep a calmly united front.

How old is she, by the way? Can you see anything in her background that might explain things?

Oh Mi...can't follow all this...."A rose by any other name, smells the same" springs to mind!!!!

Is this REALLY about names for grandparents or am I missing something?

Tedber

From what the OP has described, it sounds as if the "Mama" thing is a part of MIL's PA campaign to make herself more important in the child's life than OP is. That's not okay.

I suspect the the real issue here is not the name but concerns about grandma competing with or usurping the mother's role with the children. That does need to be addressed but if it really is just about the name I agree with other posters that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. It is the relationship that is important not the name. There are far more important things to worry about.

I do know a very large family where the dearly loved and respected grandparents were always called Mama and Papa by everyone.

I am known by one name by some of my grandchildren but another name by others as their father has a different background and has always referred to me by the name from his culture and so do his children. And that is just fine with me.