AIBU for not wanting nana to be called mama?

I have read only part of this thread so forgive me if I am going off at a tangent. It seems to me that it doesn't matter if your mother-in law is called mama or grandma or nonna or Harry – that isn't the issue. So far as I understand, she is doing everything she can to usurp your role as mother – and that is profoundly wrong.

My first mother-in-law never really forgave me for marrying her son – she hung up the telephone in two minutes when future absent husband called to tell her that we had just become engaged. Much later, after a distressing display of abuse about how I was a bad wife and a bad mother when we were staying with my then husband's family one weekend, I decided never to visit them again.

However, I never prevented absentdaughter and her grandparents from getting together. When she stayed with them at half term or during the summer holidays, she would return full of stuff about how her grandmother loved her more than I did, how I was incorrect about the usage of certain words and – worst of all – how "we" should keep secrets from mummy. Three or four days of totally confused child and bad behaviour happened every time.

I profoundly believe that mum is the most important person in a baby's life and in a young child's life, given that she is usually the primary carer, and dad is a very close second.

Grandparents can be hugely special and valuable – I like to think I matter big time to my six grandchildren and it does seem that way. However, I am a couple of steps back from their family life, which is good and healthy for all of them – and me.

I don't think it's very nice to be dismissive of Hawa's concerns. Plenty of people would mind, and for valid reasons.

To Hawa93,
My son calls my MIL and mother "mama" because he cannot say "grandma". But to him he thinks he's saying "grandma" as it sounds ever so slightly different than "mama". It doesn't bother me in the least. But it would certainly bother me if MIL and mother started referring to themselves as mama. My MIL, who spends the most time with him, seems to go out of her way to repeat "grandma" back to him in the hopes it will help his pronunciation. I think any reasonable person would understand their child's limitations but also be sensitive to the child's actual mother and try to reinforce the differentiation. That seems like the most straightforward thing to do.

And in my country (United States) it is not at all normal for a child to call their grandmother "mama" unless that grandmother is the one actually raising them (or like above, they simply can't say "grandma").

In the end, you're not being unreasonable at all. She's not their mama, so it makes no sense for them to call her mama. Her reinforcing it is weird to me. What's so wrong with being called "mama"?

Many years ago I cared for a toddler niece a fair bit of the time - she decided to call me Ma, Mum was mummy, we were all happy. When first grandchild came along and I was asked what I wanted to be called - there were so many claims on DIL's side of family I just said, the child will decide when she is old enough - at that time my mother was still alive and Oma, I did not want to be Oma and little one started calling me Ma as she couldn't say other versions - the name has stuck through all 3 grandchildren in my sons family and we are all happy with it. Daughters little one who almost literally was MY baby for her first 9 months started off by calling me MaMa (was also meant to be Ma as her other grandma is Oma and I'm not competing) and her mother Mummy - I could hear the difference but daughter didn't and has gradually changed it to Nanny - as I am now on the other side of the world I really don't care what she calls me as long as she does know who I am, someone who cares for her very much and would do practically anything to make her life easier - and Mummy has to put up with a daughter who is always looking for Nanny.

I have to admit - I think MIL behaviour is cause for alarm. The name is just a symptom of a more worrying problem.

I hope I am not being rude - but is it a cultural thing? Does you MIL come from a culture where the matriarch is all powerful and expects to get her own way? I am glad your DH is on board with your concerns. Her behaviour is unacceptable. Also - my MIL used to get right up in my kids faces and demand their attention, no matter waht they were doing. Thye hated it. At 87 she still does the same with her GGC. Thinks they are rude if they get upset. Some people just don't get it.

Hello! You are absolutely in the right and don’t let anyone make you feel differently.

You are the child’s mother - of course you don’t want anyone else to be called Mama; whatever the reason.

I suspect you are not being supported by those closest to you that has made you feel like you are wrong or “crazy” to be bothered by this.

You grew this child from nothing, gave birth to it, you are entitled to be the only one it called Mama, Mum, Mummy or any variation.

Obviously there will be mothers whom it doesn’t bother but I suspect that is about the relationship to the person who is being called Mama.

Your mother in law sound over bearing and like she is doing this to hurt you; I reference where you say she got everyone chanting Mama.

Can anyone on this forum relying seriously tell me that is not wilful disregard, rudeness and a clear power play?

You’ve done nothing wrong xxx

Don’t be ridiculous of course it matters. She is the child’s Mum and no-one else should be called Mama or any variation (unless they are happy with it).

Your replies are very condescending and trite.

From the post you can clearly see that the mother in law is disrespectful by pretending to understand then getting everyone to chat Mama.

Be fair.