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30 yr friendship

(56 Posts)
ninathenana Tue 09-Jul-19 15:59:21

We only see each other 2-3 times a year since she moved out of area but we text a couple of times a week.
I text her today to update her on something happening to me. She told me I hadn't said anything. I replied that I had.
She then text that I was always picking her up on things and that I am not perfect and she could pick me up on things but dosen't.
How is politely reminding her that I'd told her picking on her ? As it happens I have never commented on her awful spelling and grammar, nor would I, she was my friend.
She said "I really pisses her off" when I do it. To say I'm gobsmacked is an understatement.
I finished my text with "it's a shame, but that's how you feel. We'll leave it there" not expecting a reply. She has replied and I don't know how or whether to respond. I'm hurt and angry.

Luckylegs Wed 10-Jul-19 12:18:37

I too have had a problem with a friend after 30 years. It will never be the same but we are beginning to pick up the pieces after an awful row in January! I think she is ‘losing’ it and is lashing out and I try to be sympathetic because I might be as well (!) but it still hurts and rankles. Just leave it in her court for some time until she gets in touch possibly? It’s very hard I know x

chezza1 Wed 10-Jul-19 12:23:11

During a visit to my home by an old friend my OH was so bad tempered and grumpy (he is usually like this with me but hasn't ever been like it before in front of friends, especially his friends) that she was really upset. She has a lot on her plate with a very ill husband and his attitude really upset her so much so she said she will never visit this house again and since then there has been no contact. I did try explaining that she shouldn't take his grumpy ness personally but she said it made her feel so awkward she won't put herself in that position again.
A few weeks passed and OH asked it I had heard from her. I then told him why. He just said oh! No apology. Nothing mentioned since. I am still upset about the situation but what can I do. Welcome to my world.

montymops Wed 10-Jul-19 12:25:39

If she is in constant pain I’m sure she knows all about the painkillers mentioned by Bradfordlass. Many anti inflammatory pills cannot be taken long term - many don’t work long term - many have side effects - I know only too well. I have constant pain and I can tell you it is very difficult to maintain good spirits and positivity- she needs kindness however hard that may be.

TrendyNannie6 Wed 10-Jul-19 12:26:27

I don’t think she’s coping well with what’s going on in her life. Yes I’d be hurt that she said you piss her off but I would leave it a few days. Then ring her. I wouldn’t let a 30 year friendship go without finding out more. 30 years is a very long time. But I wouldn’t be a pushover either

fizzers Wed 10-Jul-19 12:26:58

texting/messaging is notorious for being misconstrued, you cannot tell if a person is upset/angry/happy/joking from a text message. I would wait a while before any further contact

MadeInYorkshire Wed 10-Jul-19 12:28:17


I would find it hard to stay friends for 30 years with someone who was constantly telling me 'every day is a bad day when you are in pain' without telling them about Panadol, codeine, anti-inflammatories and gratitude.

Oh my - I can tell you when your life changes and you end up in that situation it really isn't fun! When it gets to Fentanyl, Oramorph and Diazepam, you really do not have much else to talk about as you really are unable to actually do much, other than suffer - sounds like you need to be grateful that you have kept your health.

Ninathenana I was once swapped for an old Volvo as I had outdone my usefulness in lending her my car, some friend she was! My other disabled friend has been taken over by my own estranged DD, as she had no friends of her own - she had her at her delivery, is called Nanny by my GD and they are now all on holiday having a wonderful time without me, but leaving me to feed their cat - what delightful people they all are ....

Danlan Wed 10-Jul-19 12:47:43

A friend of mine disappeared off my radar last year, I ignored it and all of a sudden she came back as if nothing had happened! My advice is carry on as normal and see if your friend does the same .

grandtanteJE65 Wed 10-Jul-19 12:53:33

I wonder whether your friend over and above everything that she is coping with is beginning to fear that her memory is failing?

My mother reacted very much as you describe when her memory started to go.

Leave things for a while then phone and ask how she is.

Seakay Wed 10-Jul-19 12:55:47

you friend contradicts you on one thing after 30 years and you criticise her grammar and spelling to strangers and consider ending the friendship? What sort of a friendship was/is this? Honestly, if you are genuine in wanting to continue whatever relationship it is that you have, then never delete texts so that you can refer to the thread and see exactly what has been said by whom. And perhaps ask the person with whom you have 30 years history rather than randoms who only know what you have chosen to tell them?

ninathenana Wed 10-Jul-19 12:56:19

I mention the spelling and grammar in defence of myself. The fact I never comment on it was my way of saying that I don't understand what she meant when she said I always pick on her. If that was the case, would I not correct her ?
She knew about my situation and had asked 2-3 times in the last fortnight if I had heard anymore, and asked me to keep her updated.

She has text me this morning, saying she hopes we can still be friends. I replied politely and carefully that if I'm a critical person who "pisses her off" why does she want to still be friends.
She dosen't have an e-mail address and we have an agreement not to phone as she sleeps a lot during the day due to her health.

EthelJ Wed 10-Jul-19 13:01:18

Is her reaction out of character? . If so do you think she might be ill or is something else happening. It seems a l veey over the top reaction if any of tny of my friends had reacted that way I think I would be very worried something was wrong with them. Having said that texts can often sound much harsher than the sender means them to

tiredoldwoman Wed 10-Jul-19 13:06:39

I think the only way forward is over a coffee and a laugh about how you fell out ? We're all grumpy old oddballs , so celebrate it ? She wants/needs you and vice versa ! cake too !

dragonfly46 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:14:40

If this is out of character for her I would be worried but if you have known her for 30 years you must have known she can be tetchy.
I have such a friend I have known for over 50 years. She is the wife of a very good friend of my DH's so I do not want to rock the boat. She has upset me many times over the years but I have always put it down to her insecurity. I ignore it knowing how much it would hurt her if I ever told her how I felt.
We went to stay with them last summer when my dad was dying and I was on edge of course. When we got back I emailed her to apologise for being grumpy, I actually didn't think I had been just distracted, but the reply was that I was not to worry as that is what good friends are for. If the boot had been on the other foot I would have reassured her saying she had not been grumpy at all.
We are all different and I find friends are precious so adjust accordingly.

red1 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:18:21

I have a friend of 17 years ,there are are times when I could walk away, but most of the time I love them deeply. we all go through ups and downs and its all to easy to hurt the ones we love. hang it there try and find out what is wrong.

Urmstongran Wed 10-Jul-19 13:52:40

Some friends are high maintenance. We have to decide whether or not we have the energy.

Foxygran Wed 10-Jul-19 14:02:58

She’s your friend and friends are surely able to tell one another if they are annoyed by a certain behaviour. The strongest friendships are those where it’s possible to have a disagreement but come out the other side. You sound as though you normally have a lovely friendship there and this being the case, one comment is not worth a big fall out. Wait till this evening, when you feel calmer and then perhaps send a simple message telling you we’re hurt by her comment and are sorry if you’ve ever given this impression. Ask her if she’s feeling ok today and reaffirm that her friendship is important to you ?

Minniemoo Wed 10-Jul-19 14:04:17

I'm not suggesting for one minute that your friend is unwell but a similar thing happened to a group of my friends. All in our 50s. Known each other for years. Then one began acting a bit vague, then slightly rude and eventually had a meltdown during one of out get togethers. Her other half came to collect her and it was evident that things hadn't gone too well. Few weeks later we were shocked to hear that she'd just been diagnosed with MND which apart from many other symptoms, can result in cognitive behaviours going awry.

LuckyFour Wed 10-Jul-19 14:22:32

I would write back to her and say you are really sorry that you may have upset her, you would not want to hurt her in any way. Tell her how much you value her long term friendship and would never want to do anything to jeopardise it. Perhaps invite her to meet for a walk round town or coffee or something else you can do together. Under no circumstances allow any argument to start. Apologise, apologise, apologise.

sharon103 Wed 10-Jul-19 14:43:38

'She has text me this morning, saying she hopes we can still be friends.'
To me that sounds like your friend has realised what she's said to you and is sorry. Yes of course you're very hurt by it, I would be too. She is I would imagine having a bad day and taken it out on you. We all snap at times when things get us down. Maybe she's been worrying about you as she thought you hadn't updated her on your health problem although you had. Don't let this spoil a very long friendship, we never know what others are going through.

jaylucy Wed 10-Jul-19 15:38:49

I think she pretty much has her hands full so may not always remember what she has been told. It also may depend on how long ago you told her!
Having a friend, to me, is because you like them, warts and all it doesn't matter if they can't spell, have incorrect grammar or anything - the only thing I'd draw the line at is BO!
Maybe call her and just apologise and say you have had a rotten day at work or something or sometimes you have to wonder if the fact that you are picking holes means that your friendship is running out of time, and it's time to let it go?

SparklyGrandma Wed 10-Jul-19 15:45:33

Some people are in pain every day and it can make some people tetchy and that’s isolating.

However you are a good friend nina and don’t deserve the ‘biteback’.

I would take a deep breathe and wait. MOnica is right, a long friendship like a long marriage has its ups and downs. Stick with it but stay quieter for a while. You both must have got past difficult moments in the past.

GabriellaG54 Wed 10-Jul-19 16:32:18

My mantra is: Don't have people in your life who constantly drain you and who add nothing positive.
Over-familiarity can start the slide into criticism, resentment, envy and occasional nastiness.
I never let things get to that point and always find ways of meeting new people with fresh interests to add my circle of friends.
Familiarity often breeds contempt.

JackK Wed 10-Jul-19 18:08:39

Hi everyone
I'm new to this site - and loving it! Thank you all!
Firstly: could someone provide me with a brief glossary to explain the abbreviations used (Dd, Ds etc ... I'm completely baffled!)
Secondly: have any of you retired to a (petmanent) holiday lodge? I'm 60 and considering this as my retirement plan in 5 years.
Any advice please?

blue60 Wed 10-Jul-19 19:37:08

A similar experience with me. Friend of more than twenty years, we shared everything, personal things, secrets etc. She moved moved back from London and that's when our friendship ended all of a sudden.

We had developed different lives over the years which we didn't seem to realise when we lived so far apart. When she returned, she expected to pick up where we left off, but I didn't want to revisit those times. We had fun, we were very close, but we had changed as individuals.

Following some unpleasant exchanges, I decided that we could no longer go on, and took several paces back. It was upsetting to lose a dear friend, but our time had come to an end.

Perhaps just take some time out and see what happens.

Urmstongran Wed 10-Jul-19 19:49:52

Hi JackK nice to welcome a newbie.

Abbreviations/acronyms are found by clicking on the link at the top of the page.

You might get a better response to your question if you start your own thread.

Go into ‘Forums’ choose one, say ‘chat’ for example and then click on the link that says ‘start a new discussion’.

Give it a title and you’re good to go.