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I don't want to do it anymore

(76 Posts)
Tigertooth Mon 22-Jul-19 21:47:48

That's it really, married for 20 years, 4 kids, I'm 53 and I just don't want sex anymore. I don't want my body pawed over.
Not a marriage problem, I don't want it with anyone, just not interested. DH gets all moody if we don't have sex at least once a week and I really do grit my teeth and bear it.
Im sick of acting - he knows I don't want it - I suppose I have to do it really - so long as he wants to.
Am I the only 50+ that feels like this?

Yorkshiregirl Tue 23-Jul-19 11:10:47

Bradfordlass your post is spot on

Nanna58 Tue 23-Jul-19 11:49:23

Be very aware of what no sex life can mean for a marriage. My husband felt like you about 10 yrs ago and it’s had a huge impact on us. I’m fond of him, but it doesn’t feel like a marriage anymore, more like friends and I already had plenty of those.

Jaycee5 Tue 23-Jul-19 11:57:11

You do need to talk to your DH but you also need to talk to your doctor. I don't think it is unusual and frankly his attitude is not going to help. You may just need a rest from sex for a few months or you might simply not want it any more.
Gma29 is a good one. If you go off sex for a bit, you only have to want to hold hands and the reaction can be an overenthusiastic expectation that is just annoying.
I'm not sure if there is any solution with men who feel that it is there due and no big deal and it comes down to what you are prepared to put up with.

dragonfly46 Tue 23-Jul-19 12:00:45

I have a very good book called 'It is all about Relationships' which explains how there are different types of people. Some people are more sexual than others. There is nothing wrong with either - of course the problem begins when you are not compatible with your partner.

HannahLoisLuke Tue 23-Jul-19 12:22:21

I share Gingergirl's point of view. We forget that once a woman's reproductive years are over its perfectly natural for libido to decline.
HRT helps I believe, as does a sympathetic and imaginative partner but other than that you can't force yourself.
It also probably depends on how your sex life and your feelings about it have been over the course of your marriage
Did you used to enjoy it?
Men don't often suffer from this lack of libido unless they have erectile dysfunction, so I feel for them too.
You could try counciling and/or hrt.
You do need to address it with your DH though.
Thankfully I don't need to worry about it being divorced.

Helennonotion Tue 23-Jul-19 12:28:37

I'm in a virtually sexless marriage and it is as strong as ever. I love my husband totally and have immense respect for him. Married for 38 years, together another 8. He takes the mick out of me and calls me a bloody nun, but in a humourous way! I know he would like a more physical marriage, but I have literally no interest at all since the menopause and the necessary hormones cleared off! It may be just a phase, but if so, its a long one! It really depends on both partners and their willingness to give and take, like all aspects of marriage. I agree with the posters who say to sit down and talk. Maybe your husband isn't aware how you feel? Men are fertile until the day they die whereas women aren't! Mother nature was cruel! I think the trick is not to see it as a problem, just a progression of the relationship. There is far more to being a supportive and loving wife than feeling obliged to 'perform' in the bedroom dept. Just in case anyone was wondering,this is a recent thing, I was an insatiable tart for many years. Maybe I used up my libido too quickly. Oh and I'm 59. grin grin

lovemabub Tue 23-Jul-19 12:30:40

I agree with many of the posts that we are no longer living in an era when we have to lie back and think of England, or 'grit your teeth and bear it' as you say. If your husband wants sex every week and you don't want it but do it anyway to stop him being grumpy, it's a symptom of coercive control.

GabriellaG54 Tue 23-Jul-19 12:52:14

You are not alone. I like sleeping alone and, although I do have an OH, we don't live together and sex is infrequent because I can't be bothered and I enjoy and actually prefer life without it.

Elenkalubleton Tue 23-Jul-19 12:54:27

I am 72, and only just starting to not want sex,I’m on HRT and do still want an orgasm about once a week,we’ve found sex is just not that good anymore,so we do all the foreplay bit then he masterbates and I use my vibrator,but don’t penetrate.He would rather have sex,but considers that I don’t.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 23-Jul-19 12:57:17

Sex is not just for bedroooms. Same old routine where you know just what is going to happen with the lights out and ' wake me when its over'.
If you love your partner and would like to get back what you once had and there must have been the feelings at some time then there is help. Relate can put you on the right path and where to go for some help and you don't have to go as a couple.

Gonegirl Tue 23-Jul-19 12:58:47

It's your body. If you don't want it, don't do it. You're nobody's convenience.

Having said that... if Hubby goes astray......

You choose.

granny4hugs Tue 23-Jul-19 13:04:34

There are lots of things it could be and on what you've said its difficult to say, however, I'm not convinced it is to do with age. In the last few years of a marriage that I tried very hard to hold together (divorced 15 yrs ago) I did what you are doing. I cringe/blush to think back. I found I was 'letting him' just to stop the whining. YUK. Humiliating. Disgusting. Don't know who I despised most, him or me. I was on my own for most of a decade after that and did not miss sex AT ALL. I was glad to be free of it after the marriage experience. Now in my 50s I am with someone I love and who loves me. I wouldn't say we do it a lot (whatever that it as out age) but when we do its bril. I love it. I wander around smiling all day.

red1 Tue 23-Jul-19 13:13:39

sex or making love should be mutual otherwise its ……..
maybe there is a medical problem get it checked, maybe you don't love your other half anymore.maybe maybe...….
some folk just go off it and aren't ruled by an idiot anymore!
there are a lots of asexual folk around,i know I am, I don't feel my life is worse for it it gives me time to ponder on other things. I hope you get things sorted

driverann Tue 23-Jul-19 13:14:05

Tigertooth. I think you need to see a doctor and councillor as to why you do not want sex at a comparatively Young age. Sex is not just a man’s pleasure as you seem to imply it is a normal biological need of humans and all others creatures on earth.
I am much older than you but still have a regular happy sex life of 2 / 3 times per week. I feel sorry for your husband who is being treated by you as if he is a pervert when you use the words “pawed over”. your husband has help to create your family and is now being discarded. What an insult your husband must feel very rejected.

Luckygirl Tue 23-Jul-19 13:24:34

It concerns me that some posters are medicalising this as if the OP has something wrong with her. She doesn't - a reduction in libido in women often coincides with the ending of their reproductive capability - it makes sense biologically. For some women this happens; for others it does not.

The problem is, not that the OP should be seeking a "cure", but that her OH needs to stop abusing her body - and she needs to stop letting him.

Libido waxes and wanes; but civilised behaviour on the part of both partners should be a constant.

A lifelong partnership is bound to throw up incompatibilities in many areas. The solution does not lie in one partner simply getting their own way to the detriment of the other. It lies in communication.

It might be that end point of that communication is that the OP feels she would like to share better sex with her OH and is willing to pursue hormone treatment, if that is relevant here, or couples counselling with him. It might be that the end result is that she is able to make clear to him that she simply does not want it; and to discuss what he might do about that for himself.

Forcing her (or her acquiescing to this unwillingly) to lie back and think of England is certainly NOT the answer. It is quite wrong of him to expect this.

I have been there with an OH whose libido was sent into overdrive by the drugs he had to take for his neurological illness. I can assure that that I did not lie back and endure anything that I had no wish to do. Humiliation of one partner is not the answer to these problems. Communication is.

Sleepygran Tue 23-Jul-19 13:26:36

It is a problem for both of you,he wants to and you don't.
Someone has to compromise or both have to compromise.
Have you always felt like this?
If so then you've just had enough of being pawed over.
I wish I had an answer for you.
(We can't get bromide for his tea can we?)

Luckygirl Tue 23-Jul-19 13:28:11

driverann - she is not treating him as a pervert; she is simply expressing a different view on the subject. This of course throws up a problem for both of them, but it does not mean he is a pervert.

However, I have to say that forcing oneself on an unwilling partner is not normal behaviour.

Guineagirl Tue 23-Jul-19 14:09:48

Me too, and it’s not menopause I’m 54 menopause was started at 41. Not interested either neither if it were Chris Martin from Coldplay we’re in front of me offering it to me lol. I know some will say how weird marriage with no sex but as poster describes just not interested. Also I have Lichen sclerosus so it would be way too sore for me,

Guineagirl Tue 23-Jul-19 14:12:04

agree Lucky Girl she didn’t come over as treating him as a pervert. That answer doesn’t help the situation

Saggi Tue 23-Jul-19 14:22:04

Luckily not a problem with me as my husband decided at the age of fifty that “ right, I’ve had enough of that now”.....and that was it. He never did have much of a libido! I was 46! No talking, no discussion , no nothing! Take it or leave it. After ‘fighting’ it for a couple of years, I decided to leave it! Never looked back ...I’m fitter...leaner....healthier ... than I’ve been all my life. Best thing we ever did.

Saggi Tue 23-Jul-19 14:24:16

...sorry what I’m trying to say is , it’s your just say no. My husband did.... it’s not the end of the world , it’s only sex!

Hotmama Tue 23-Jul-19 14:56:17

Cookie and Crafty, can I join the queue please?! My toy boy hubby has also decided no more sex and goodness me do I miss it. We live like brother and sister and I’m full of resentment. Often wish I was like the OP, but, as they say, you can’t have it all.

Jillybird Tue 23-Jul-19 15:20:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sodapop Tue 23-Jul-19 15:29:18

Seems like there are a lot of mismatched libidos on here. Maybe we should have a swap around grin

RosieLeah Tue 23-Jul-19 15:35:09

Jillybird...'unpaid prostitute'....sadly that is how many men view their wives!