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AIBU

I don't want to do it anymore

(76 Posts)
Tigertooth Mon 22-Jul-19 21:47:48

That's it really, married for 20 years, 4 kids, I'm 53 and I just don't want sex anymore. I don't want my body pawed over.
Not a marriage problem, I don't want it with anyone, just not interested. DH gets all moody if we don't have sex at least once a week and I really do grit my teeth and bear it.
Im sick of acting - he knows I don't want it - I suppose I have to do it really - so long as he wants to.
Am I the only 50+ that feels like this?

grandtanteJE65 Tue 23-Jul-19 16:39:21

Is this a new problem? I mean, did you formerly enjoy sex with your husband?

I am asking this because I went through a period of not really being interested in sex after my menopause. It also coincided with my sister's death and various other changes in our lifestyle.

Like you, I knew my husband wanted sex and I was honestly afraid our marriage would be over if I continued not to want it.

I sat down and thought long and hard, then explained to my husband that I thought my lack of interest was due to the upset over my sister's terminal illness and death and that I thought perhaps we should experiment with some new things that suited us both.

I'm not sure when I really started wanting sex again, but I did and I hope you and your husband can work something out too.

Fennel Tue 23-Jul-19 16:46:21

Tigertooth - if you would like to still enjoy sex there's hormone treatment which can help.
Me and my ex were mismatched, but TG my current DH (for 40 years) has been less demanding.

driverann Tue 23-Jul-19 17:08:26

It is no wonder so many marriages fail when one reads the derogatory remarks some of the women think of their husbands and sex. It’s such a shame that there are so many (on here at least). I am not saying all men are saints but I thank god for my man.

maryhoffman37 Tue 23-Jul-19 18:16:49

If you see sex with your husband as having your "body pawed over," I think you need couples counselling. Did you never enjoy sex? I can't imagine it's much fun for your husband, knowing you are gritting your teeth!

Luckygirl Tue 23-Jul-19 18:20:06

The OP's "derogatory remarks" - had she made any - would be entirely understandable since her OH is having sex with her against her will. He deserves to be taken to task over this.

His needs are entirely understandable; his decision to deal with those by forcing her to do something she does not want is inexcusable.

blue60 Tue 23-Jul-19 18:34:30

I felt like that throughout my fifties. DH would go into mood because I didn't want sex as much as him.

We discussed it together and, although I didn't feel as you did about being 'pawed', it took a long time before I felt ready to enjoy sex again. He even went out bought 'The Joy of Sex' book - for ME! I laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny at the time and I was very angry. Talking was the only way.

That period in time has now passed, and I feel good about the once a week we have. In fact, he admits to once a week as all he wants/can manage.

You really must talk about it with you DH, even if the outcome is not pleasant. It's no good becoming resentful, it will do no good and possibly lead to new difficulties. Start talking.

driverann Tue 23-Jul-19 18:37:41

Lucky girl. I don’t think her husband is “forcing” himself on her that would be marital rape. She is allowing to have sex with gritted teeth. She should do something positive about it. I think she needs professional help to focus on her likes and dislikes.

Luckygirl Tue 23-Jul-19 19:09:47

Let us hope that these professionals might cure her!

She is allowed her own wishes and tastes; and her OH must listen. She does not need curing - she needs a considerate and thoughtful husband.

Flowerofthewest Tue 23-Jul-19 19:42:10

Maybe just 'pleasure' him. It will relieve his frustration and probably not take too long hmm. Worth a try

justrolljanet Tue 23-Jul-19 19:52:10

I am with Luckygirl on this, never got a cuddle which I tried to say would most probably lead to other things, just the groping etc, would lie there tense waiting for it to start, moved to another room 8 years ago aged 56, share the same bed now, sleep well, that is all, It wasn't always like that though.

Bridgeit Tue 23-Jul-19 19:52:43

Can’t he do that himself? Just saying 😉

Evie64 Tue 23-Jul-19 20:02:00

I'm 64. I haven't had sex with my husband for about 4/5 years now. It was his choice as he said that when I became menopausal and the weight went on he no longer found me attractive enough, I'm a size 18 now, formally a 12/14. We now have separate bedrooms. In retrospect, I think it was more about him and his own insecurities that triggered his nasty comments. I spent a long time feeling like crap about myself. But, hey ho, now I've become used to no sex, it's kind of okay yer know? And not wishing to shock anyone, but there's always the appliance of science if you feel frustrated?

Shizam Tue 23-Jul-19 20:15:02

I used to be keen on sex. Life with an ex who obviously didn’t fancy me meant it dwindled. Few years ago, was in a relationship where sex was very much a part of it. Was flattered at first to be fancied again. But then realised I just preferred the cuddles and massages etc! I still miss them, but not the sex. Do think it’s hormonal. I’m no longer fertile, so my body isn’t giving off the signals. But do understand in a relationship, it’s hard if one person wants it and the other doesn’t.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 23-Jul-19 20:22:38

Justrolljanet Did it never occur to take the initiative ?Quote 'would lie there tense waiting for it to start !

granmeg Tue 23-Jul-19 20:46:51

SEW That's the whole point - she doesn't want to do it at all so why would she initiate it?

newgran2019 Tue 23-Jul-19 21:02:14

I'm with Nanna58 - in our case it's my husband who doesn't want sex much at all, after 32 years. I did put on weight at menopause but have lost it, so it's not that. He's never been highly sexed and is on various medications, so maybe it's down to that. I am a bit sad about it, as I look and feel much the same as ever and don't really like living like friendly flatmates when we used to be very close in all ways. I miss that and have tried to tell him, but sense that it stresses him out as just another demand on his flagging energy and busy schedule.

OPgrndtr Tue 23-Jul-19 22:23:08

I was a single working mother and celibate for 19 years. I was okay with it until my child was grown and gone. Then I wanted company, and finally found a good man who I married at 52. Everything was good until I got very depressed around age 60. Then I was put on anti-depressants by my Dr., and it only took a couple of years to be less depressed. Then about a year ago I realized I had no libido. I didn't get excited about the slim athletic guys jogging down the street either. I talked with my DH who was a good cuddler and then my Dr. The Dr decreased my dosage of anti-depressants and within a month I got some mojo back. It has been fine since then.
Maybe it is a side-effect of some meds that you're taking.
Best wishes.

Bridgeit Tue 23-Jul-19 22:54:47

Perhaps there is a clue in your comment ‘pawed over ‘
Sounds like he may need some direction / instruction from you so that it doesn’t feel like pawing. Best wishes . Is a difficult situation.

sluttygran Tue 23-Jul-19 22:55:48

I feel that lack of libido is not always down to a woman’s health or menopause. Sometimes it might be that you just don’t fancy the feller any more!
I’ve had an on/off relationship with a man for about 15 years, and tho’ I am fond of him, his behaviour has killed any sexual desire.
He’s not a bad man, but let’s just say that his table manners and bed manners are similarly appalling!
I see him once a week for lunch, and he always suggests a quick ‘romp’. I am fed up with telling him it’s not going to happen, and he is convinced there’s something wrong with me - it never enters his head that he might be the problem!
I feel a bit sorry for him, because as I say he’s not a bad person, but I really feel that I can’t put up with him for much longer!

Esspee Tue 23-Jul-19 23:19:13

How terribly sad that so many of you don't find joy in making love. I wonder if you ever experienced truly awesome orgasms in your lives and if perhaps you are disinterested now because sex for you was never very good?

annep1 Tue 23-Jul-19 23:24:00

My husband and I had a fantastic sex life (We met when we were 46.) much better than with first husband until about five years ago. I just gradually lost interest and or energy. But my husband would throw me hints and tell me he missed our lovemaking. I know it means a lot to him so I make the effort to give him the pleasure he wants. Maybe every ten days or so and plenty of cuddling sessions in between. I much prefer cuddles. We usually have lots of aches for hours afterwards even though its a very short time lol. I do love him though and feel sorry that I can't be the same. But I would not do it if I didnt want to, if it was unpleasant.
I think this lady needs to stop doing this if she hates it so much and perhaps they both should maybe speak to a counsellor . I don't think her husband really understands her feelings.

whywhywhy Tue 23-Jul-19 23:32:11

I can understand how you feel. I was all for it when I was young and then met and married my second husband back in 2007 and we haven't had sex in 6 years. I went through the menopause and everything dried up. It hurt and he said he didn't get any pleasure from it if it was painful for me. I should go to the drs but to be honest I don't miss or want it. Hubby never mentions it, so that is that. We are all different, thank goodness! Take care.

MaudLillian Fri 26-Jul-19 23:32:34

How awful for you, feeling you have to consent to being pawed over, it makes you feel like some object, doesn't it? I'm 65 now, and haven't wanted to bother with all that ever since I started the menopause, which was in my mid forties. I stopped my periods, finally, at age 52 and got a little bit more interest back at that time, probably because of having more energy again, but I think men place far too much importance on sex. I consider it highly overrated. At least my husband always asked, didn't expect, and never actually enjoyed it himself if he thought I wasn't in the mood - I really don't think he realised how often I put on an act, just to not upset him!! When my mother died 2 years ago, and I was, of course, clearly very upset, all that bedroom stuff was put on hold as I was an emotional wreck for a few months. It has, thankfully, never resurfaced. Unless he mentions it and asks me, I will carry on happy to be finished with it once and for all. I sincerely hope you can sort out your situation because I understand how much of an unwelcome pressure this is.

annep1 Sat 27-Jul-19 00:12:01

Its good to hear so many ladies feel the same. We are always being told in magazines etc that we should be having a great time in the bedroom no matter no matter how old we are and if we don't want to there's something wrong with us!

Greengage Tue 30-Jul-19 00:40:20

Surely it is all about compatibility or otherwise, and how much you actually care about the other person.