Gransnet forums

AIBU

In law issue... childcare

(386 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Smileless2012 Sun 26-Jan-20 03:37:40

I'm pleased that LO is going to the nursery of your choice ML and you managed this without arguing with your DH. It's also good to hear that "things are good with LO and DH*smile.

This is a very difficult time for you all, especially your m.i.l's immediate family as she is now receiving pain relief medication but no further treatment.

My thoughts are with you allflowers.

ananimous Sat 25-Jan-20 20:25:00

No, intentional.

Hetty58 Sat 25-Jan-20 20:24:01

I think you stumbled upon the exact right word there ananimous -relationshit!

ananimous Sat 25-Jan-20 20:17:01

@MaternityLeave
Don't let them traumatize your child.

Go with your gut instinct - You are absolutely right.

Some posters are shockingly niave when it comes to inter-generational dysfunction, and kiddy-fiddlers tactics and who they target.

It's your job to filter idiots out of your childs life - even if they are related.
These people are not to be trusted to rely on for childcare advice having already proven to be groomed once, unless they do the work on boundaries they are not self-aware at all.
You will be exhausted later on trying to undo all their toxicity.

Regardless of it all, I would set firm rules with hubby and insist you both sing from the same hym sheet going forwards.

The only regret I ever had in this life is not leaving a relationshit sooner.

Madgran77 Thu 09-Jan-20 18:18:36

Great news re son settling into Nursery Maternity Leave. Sorry things remain difficult with MIL. Keep focusing on DH and moving forward together with any plans that you want together, rather than any plans anyone else has for you! flowers

TrendyNannie6 Thu 09-Jan-20 14:58:45

Just seen your updated post, that’s great news you have found a way round this

TrendyNannie6 Thu 09-Jan-20 14:56:00

I’m thinking that maybe the baby going to the Mil although wonderful to see him would it be too much for a terminally ill person to care for, I think you are living far to close to them , you visit them anyway you said for a few hours every week so it’s not as if they have no contact with their grandson, so your dh has gone back on what you both agreed on, that your son would be going to nursery, but is now saying he should go to your in-laws every afternoon I totally agree with you, you are his mother, I wouldn’t be happy, you should put his needs first as you were doing, I blame your DH I’m afraid he should stand up to his parents you and your son come first, to be perfectly honest if there was a way that you could stay at home and look after him I would do that, he’s very young and you could go back to work when he’s bit older

OutsideDave Thu 09-Jan-20 11:34:46

I’m glad your baby is in a childcare of your choice. Any plans to move house once MIL passes?

Summerlove Wed 08-Jan-20 18:28:04

I’m sorry the relationship is still so difficult with your MIL. It worries me that you think your feelings of (what I assume are) resentment equal a monster inside of you. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you want. I applaud you for rising above, but please don’t put yourself down for having what are, very likely, justified feelings.

I think it’s fantastic that you have finally gotten your child into the nursery of your choice.

MaternityLeave Wed 08-Jan-20 16:33:30

Hi everyone,
I am well thank you! Little one has started the nursery of my choice. I skipped to work when i dropped him off as i realised then i had successfully stood my ground without causing an argument with dh.
Mil is now at home. She isnt doing well. From what i gather she is on medication to manage pain but not treatment.
Our relationship is still very complicated. There are days when a monster within me reveals itself. Often triggered by one new thing or the other. But i find a way to rise above it. Often with difficulty.
On the bright side, things are good with LO and DH.

Summerlove Tue 07-Jan-20 13:25:49

How’re you doing MaternityLeave?

Madgran77 Thu 02-Jan-20 08:08:51

E14G I suggest you read the OPs latest update rather than her first post!

EI4G Thu 02-Jan-20 06:04:39

With regard to your mil and fil you seem to hold quite a bit of resentment towards them and a distinct lack of empathy for their situation. They obviously want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson and unless you feel they are unfit, cruel, unkind etc. to take care of your son, the problem seems to be yours in the making. Allowing your son to be cared for by two loving grandparents will do more for for his intellectual and social development than any nursery environment. Be kind.

Hithere Thu 02-Jan-20 04:42:05

Hope you are ok

Harris27 Mon 30-Dec-19 19:18:48

I’m a nursery practitioner and yes he will stimulate from being with children and that said he will flourish with people who love him. Just because your not keen on the in laws don’t get it crossed over with the issue that he needs to be in nursery. I often have to placate upset parents because their children are getting left as they have no other childcare options. These are the ones I feel sorry for.

Smileless2012 Mon 30-Dec-19 19:12:25

I was just wondering how Christmas went for you all MaternityLeave and how your m.i.l. was doingflowers.

Madgran77 Mon 23-Dec-19 13:38:00

Sorry MIL is so ill, Maternity. But bravo to you, Maternity, for being supportive and keeping your boundaries at the same time!
Well put Starlady. So sorry you are facing all this Maternity

Starlady Mon 23-Dec-19 02:59:15

Sorry MIL is so ill, Maternity. But bravo to you, Maternity, for being supportive and keeping your boundaries at the same time!

OutsideDave Mon 23-Dec-19 02:49:29

I’m reading it as her experience of being a DIL with a crap mil will give her the ability to remember, when she is a mil, what it was like as a DIL and behave differently towards her future dils and thus helping to ensure a different sort of relationship.

NotSpaghetti Mon 23-Dec-19 01:50:26

MaternityLeave, thanks for coming back to update.
So sorry to hear things have suddenly got worse but I'm heartened to hear you have found a not-so-painful path through.
Wishing you, your husband and your little one all the best for the future.
flowers

Smileless2012 Sun 22-Dec-19 22:49:40

Yes, because on more than one occasion the OP has berated herself for not being the way she thought she should be, due to historic issues with her m.i.l OutsideDave

The OP posted "I hope my experience of being a DIL enables me to be a good MIL n GP one day", it was that I was responding too.

I totally disagree, it is the OP's positive response to a bad mil that will be a positive experience not having a bad mil. The only positive thing that can ever come from having a bad person in your life, is if you manage to turn their negative impact on your life into something positive for yourself.

Madgran77 Sun 22-Dec-19 22:38:27

I don't agree Outside Dave We can all learn from how we have dealt with specific events and situations in our lives...and may therefore deal with a future situation the same or differently with different people!!

And situations linked to different people teach us different things...the specific "category" a person is in in our lives at a specific time (MIL/DIL or whatever) is not necessarily the most relevant point; the most relevant thing is how we have dealt with those specific people and situations and what we have learnt from that, good, bad or indifferent!!! So we may learn things about future roles we might play or we may just learn things about how to deal with people who behave in a specific way.

OutsideDave Sun 22-Dec-19 22:26:56

But you specifically said ‘your experience of being a GOOD dil’ —- as though it’s her behavior currently that influences her experiences in the future. It’s the experience of having a BAD mother in law, not her response, that might make her more compassionate. She can learn from a bad mil what not to do. She can’t learn anything from being a ‘good’ DIL, because her behavior towards her mil now has nothing to do with her future dils Behavior towards her. A ‘bad’ DIL and a ‘good’ DIL of the same mother in law - are about as likely as anyone else to have good or bad experiences as MILs in the future.

Smileless2012 Sun 22-Dec-19 17:19:05

You read my post correctly Madgran; thank you. TBH I don't know why you would have found my statement confusing OutsideDavetchconfused.

Madgran77 Sun 22-Dec-19 15:16:51

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

I read the point as being that the OPs experience as a DIL/CIL will have been a learning experience for the future if/when she is a MIL. In other words, the difficulties that she has experienced with her PIL/MIL will help her to think about what sort of MIL she might be/her behaviours as a MIL and the possible perpspective of her future CIL! I have certainly learnt how NOT to be in particular roles by observing/experiencing others in those roles, as much as I have learnt the best way to be too, and my own experiences in roles have taught me about the possible perspectives of others in those roles!!

Surely we all if open minded learners in life, can learn from others and from experiences that influence our future behaviour, perpective and behaviours