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In law issue... childcare

(387 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

NanaandGrampy Sat 03-Aug-19 10:18:34

I’m stunned to read that one of your issues is that your MiL might take your child to visit people you don’t know??

Did they do such a terrible job raising your DH that they’re untrustworthy? Are they likely to take your child somewhere detrimental ? Are you going to deny your child the opportunity for meeting new people and experiences because you don’t know the people ?

I’m sorry because I just cannot buy into this whole scenario of vilifying your in-laws. You agreed to live in your current house - you seem quite capable of standing up for yourself so why did you agree? You say it’s caused a wedge between you and your husband - is this really going to help matters ?

Maybe instead of coming here and looking for support from strangers , it’s time you sat down and discussed this with your husband .

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 10:43:35

Mil has had cancer for 7 years and three round of chemo. She is due for another round in the next few months. So i dont really know how long or little time she has.
NanaandGrampy- i agreed to the housemove as i was pregnant and didnt want to leave my marriage when my husband and i get along perfectly well when in laws do not interfere. I didnt want to deny our child of both parents for the sake of escaping in laws. We live in times where people divorce so quick. I think it takes courage to try and make it work. “Vilifying my in laws”? If i was doing that i would not say they are great grandparents. If i did not feel guilt or torn i would have put my foot down and said no. So how does that match with you questioning my intention for posting? I am guessing you probably behave like my mil hence ur comments. Yes a convo with husband will happen. With advice from here, i will be better informed and much more calmer with a better perspective on what to say and do. That was my intent when i posted.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 10:45:41

And yes i am concerned my mil will visit friends and relatives i do not know or trust. All kinds of abuse takes place in peoples homes. Why would i extend my trust to friends and family of mils/ and their visitors?

eazybee Sat 03-Aug-19 10:47:00

Apologies; I hadn't read all the posts properly before I posted.
I understand your feelings better now; you are being overwhelmed by your husband's family, and it is not just your mother-in-law, it is also sisters- in-law and probably their cousins and their sisters and their aunts as well. Your husband has manipulated you into moving as close back home as he can get, by using his mother's serious, not necessarily terminal illness, and now he intends his family to play a large part in the upbringing of your, not their, child.
A poor way to behave.

You do have to take a firm stand over this and be very clear about what you want to do. It may be wise to hold on to your job, because you enjoy it, and it will give you some financial independence and a life away from this slightly suffocating family. Consider the possible options with your work first and if you decide to return, make sure that you organise the childcare first, then tell your husband your decision, and do not allow yourself to be be browbeaten.
It is up to you how much you choose to see your in-laws, and it would be kind to see them regularly; you may also be grateful for some assistance with child care later. But again, on your terms.
It doesn't sound as though it will be easy, but if you allow them to dominate the care of your child, you will be even more unhappy.

Bibbity Sat 03-Aug-19 11:00:37

You need to check if your son can even be around her at all with some of the treatments.

YANBU. But you need to get mad at your husband. Tell him if he wants to co parent with his mum then he can crack on with the baby making. But you are your child’s mother and all decisions and discussions only involve you two.

Nonnie Sat 03-Aug-19 11:30:12

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.

Forced to move into a house you didn't like or get divorced? Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me. If you did that why are you worried about a loving grandparent looking after a baby? What is wrong with taking a baby to meet people you don't know, MiL wouldn't leave him alone with them and it is good for children to meet different people and see different homes. Do you take him to your friends?

Don't like the rest of the family either? These terrible people brought up the man you love?

Hmm sounds like a control issue to me.

Presumably you've asked everyone on Mumsnet too?

stella1949 Sat 03-Aug-19 11:36:51

I've seen your post on Mumsnet as well. Instead of asking a multitude of strangers about this, why are you not talking to the one person who actually matters - your husband ?

M0nica Sat 03-Aug-19 11:55:09

Surely you realised before you married him that your DH was putty in his mother's hands and that she was a dominating woman.

So many of these family issues depend on the character traits of individuals that must have been clear during courtship, let alone, the early childfree years, so should surely have been assessed, discussed and decisions reached either jointly or individually then.

paddyann Sat 03-Aug-19 11:58:44

Quite honestly I think you need to seek help.its not normal to think your in laws will take your child visiting people who may abuse him.
What kind of world do you think it is? The vast majority of people are good and kind and will be a happy addition to your sons life .You wont be able to keep him away from everyone all his childhood ,he'll meet "strangers" every day .Are you going to strap him to your side?
IF as you say they are good GP's what is your issue ? I have looked after all 4 of my GC since they were small of them has lived with me for half of every week for 9 years and the new baby expected this month will join our happy wee gang ,Not once have either my SIL or DIL ever questioned my ability physically or mentally to care for their children.Thank goodness my sons not married to someone like you ! Families should be there and work together for the GC .Children gain so much from being with the older generation of a family .

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 12:01:13

Ah, Mumsnet!
I'm sure they can advise you about your terminally ill, overbearing MIL.

Actually, if she is having chemo she may have been advised not to come into contact with a young baby both for the baby's sake and for her own in case the baby gave her an infection. A baby going to nursery may be in contact with viruses, infections that could be passed on to your vulnerable MIL.

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.
I agree, Nonnie

Is this what someone referred to as wooden spooning?

NanaandGrampy Sat 03-Aug-19 12:02:12

You're guessing way off MaternityLeave !! Hence , Im not on here asking total strangers for advice you don't really want.

I totally agree Stella - the OP is asking ONLY for support for her point of view where the person who needs to agree with her is her husband.

Well said Nonnie !

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 12:05:16

"Vilifying my in laws”? If i was doing that i would not say they are great grandparents

But not so good that they can be trusted to watch out for your child and will take him to visit possible abusers - and stand by while all this is going on?

This gets more and more fantastic.

Minniemoo Sat 03-Aug-19 12:07:21

Very strange. Your mother in law is having chemo? Then there is your excuse for you not to send your baby to her. As someone else has said it's not advisable for either her nor the baby. So just calmly say that due to the cancer treatment it's impossible to rely on her for care.

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 12:10:09

I am guessing you probably behave like my mil hence ur comments
This follows the usual pattern of an OP accusing posters who do not agree whole-heartedly and sympathise with her side of the story of being bad MIL, just like her own.

Boringly predictable.

Luckygirl Sat 03-Aug-19 12:18:55

It looks as though you are harbouring a deep resentment of PIL for manipulating your OH to buy a house nearby against your wishes; and I am sure this is colouring all your interactions with them.

It is a very emotive issue, as we all want our small children cared for by people with whom we have an instinctive connection and with whom we feel in harmony. You do not have to justify this feeling - it is what it is.

This connection is not there; nor with your sister-in-law and I can understand that this must be a very uncomfortable situation for you.

Personally I would forego the job, as you can afford to, and soak yourself in the joy of watching your DC develop at this critical time. I took 5 years off initially to be with my two oldest children until they started school - I have never regretted this and loved every (well nearly every!) moment.

This will get you over your dilemma and when the children are a bit older you might feel more inclined to tolerate influences that give you concern as they will have a firm grounding in your values.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 13:03:52

You really are contradicting yourself after saying you don’t trust your parents in law or more to the point mother in law you say they are wonderful grandparents, well they can’t be both they can’t be untrustworthy and wonderful
When my parents or in laws looked after my child or children I never once questioned where they were taking them or if they were visiting anyone etc etc Do you really think they would let them be abused in a friends home ??? I think you have big issues around the control of your little one
I think you need to stop work and look after your little chap yourself 24/7
I fail to understand how you could be with someone 14 years and not realise they were very tied to their family until now

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:31:46


MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:34:27

Bluebell- i dont think anyone “allows” their child / grandchild to be abused. Most abuse cases happen not with strangers but with family, extended family and friends. My dh was in a similar situation when he was 7/8 with a friend of MILs. It was not her fault as it could happen to anyone. But because of this i trust no one but those i know personally.

fizzers Sat 03-Aug-19 13:37:56

why the need to shout? MaternityLeave

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:39:03

Lucky girl i think you have hit the nail on the head.
I dont understand posters that say “why are you here, you should speak to your husband” or “i am looking for posters to agree” if that was the case i would posted solely on mumsnet. But i wanted critical but kind advise. My MILs perspective perhaps. Thank you to all for responding. Both support and criticism. It will be valuable in helping me reach a solution and my approach when i tackle this with DH.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:40:35

Fizzers: because its a difficult time and if one is going to pass harsh judgment and false accusations they should be bothered to read all posts first.

Doodle Sat 03-Aug-19 13:52:28

Why don’t you ask your DH what kind of family he comes from. Did his mother and father take him and his sisters to visit abusive family and friends when they were young? Is that why you have such distrust of his family now?
Don’t forget, you may be your child’s mother but your DH is the child’s father and presumably has as much say as you in your child’s upbringing so instead of asking us total strangers, why don’t you discuss this very personal issue with the only other person whose opinion counts - your child’s father.

Doodle Sat 03-Aug-19 13:53:55

I have read all the posts before replying. I think your problem is the relationship between you and your DH not between you and your in-laws.

crazyH Sat 03-Aug-19 14:05:51

Not many would move house just so that DH could be near his parents. I applaud Maternityleave for that.
I do not think the OP is unreasonable. She wants the best for child.....what's wrong with that? And realistically, her is too ill to be looking after a toddler, much as she would like to.
All the best Maternityleave

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 14:06:18

Oh Doodle there is no point talking to you as you must be on another planet. You did not read my posts. If you did you would know that i have two sils that will look after my son aswell as MIL.
My dh found himself in a situation where mils “friend” abused him. My MIL did not take him there to be abused. She went to visit a friend she mistakenly trusted. It can happen to anyone. So do not be flippant about abuse just to try and make me look like an idiot. My relationship with DH is fine. Our ONLY issue is interference from in laws.