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In law issue... childcare

(290 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 20:29:47

Hithere….you do yourself no service when you insist you know best.

No one has the right to use bombast or finger wagging to pressurise another into seeing or doing as they wish!

Don't forget narcissists are few and far between, so most of us don't need bullying 'boundaries' enforced on us.

All we need is a little compromise.
(I was going to use the song title by the Beatles All we need is love, but I thought it sounded a little twee!! True though!grin)

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 20:43:29

I don't think Hithere knows what compromise means Namsnanny. 'All we need is love; love is all we need'. I like a bit twee now and thengrin.

MaternityLeave Tue 13-Aug-19 21:39:08

Hi everyone,

Firstly Hithere i am not offended by your posts. I know you raise some valid points. I do not think that allowing in laws to care for LO one day a week will not be challenging. But from now and until i return to work (mid nov) i will leave make the effort to LO with them with a set of instructions. My next set of instructions will be written down so they are clear. If sil / mil continues to ignore me then i will challenge them. As you all probably gussed, i did not challenge sil or mil as to why they fed LO milk. I did mention to DH that i was not happy they did this as it ruins his routine. As expected DH said nothing as he didn't want to encourage me but i think this shows him what the care offer at mils will be like. So basically they are on trial between now and November. I will genuinely try to
make this work but if sil n mil ignore me and do what they please. Or get nasty when i challenge them then i will send LO to nursery and feel no guilt. If however we are able to work something out then i will send LO for a day.
Hithere- i do have a back up plan which is that if i do send LO to in laws and things turn sour, i will change nurseries and send LO to the one near my work with the justification that its easier for me to do pick up etc.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 23:16:45

Maternityleave

You are truly a gem and I hope your dh and ILs appreciate your efforts.

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 00:38:22

Hithere - i know in laws prob wont. DH may. But i do this to silence the little voice in my head.

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 00:40:23

Also just found out mil n sil have blocked me on social media. Great timing huh. Dh was showing me stuff on his feed which wasnt on mine. Anyway he was taken aback. There was awkward silence. Lol.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 00:55:01

Maternityleave,

That little voice called fog?

Re: blocked in social media, what does your dh have to say about it?

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:02:12

Hi there- that little voice is my conscience. Lol
DH couldnt believe it n went silent lol. I had my suspicions but tonight just confirmed it. I said i was quite upset by it. I mean i was a bit but i was glad that i wasnt imagining their dislike and these little things will show dh that there are real issues here.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 01:11:47

So what does dh want to do now?

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:15:19

Dh will do nothing. He will probably file it in his head and observe things more closely. I could have gloated and said i told you so and gone to town. But then we would end up arguing. I know if they continue this way they will slip up without me saying or doing anything.

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:18:21

If i am honest i dont even care. N DH can do nothing for as long as he likes. If they carry on this way then one day i will say enough and wont have to feel guilty for whatever action i take. I just hope they get a grip.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 01:26:42

I am glad you know what your limit is. I am afraid it may be a short period of time till they reach it.

When are you going to drop son again with the ILs? I will be thinking of you

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:32:26

Not sure when i will drop LO off. Probably wont be for a week or two. Such complexities. I do have a christening to attend this weekend with in laws. So hoping for a positive experience.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 01:43:16

Crossing fingers and toes!

Madgran77 Wed 14-Aug-19 06:36:41

Good luck Maternity Leave You are trying very hard, hope it works. Cutting you off FB ...hmmm ...maybe getting it out in the open? Ask them why? But you know the dynamics best!

Hithere I am glad Maternity Leave is not offended by your posts...she is right that you make some valid points , the style of expressing might not be heard by some posters with problems , unlike Maternity Leave. Which is a shame.

Summerlove Wed 14-Aug-19 20:08:29

The fact they blocked you from FB would have me feeling very very awkward about dropping my child off. What exactly are they hiding from you? Do you have a no social media policy for your child they are ignoring?

Be careful moving forward.

That would be massive knock to me trusting them

MaternityLeave Wed 28-Aug-19 20:39:34

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update.
Since my last post i have tried to look at the positives re in laws. But there were occasions of behaviour which made visits to in laws difficult.. to be fair these incidents were sil related not mil or fil.
Anyway i realised then that leaving my LO with them would require daily interaction. And i was not willing to deal with them on a regular basis.
So i spoke to DH. Basically said that i need LO near to me at work. He tried to persuade me otherwise re cost saving etc. He had a point. Its a £360 cost saving per month. But i said no and without argument he agreed to my decision.
Im not sure how in laws will take to this bit of news.

GoodMama Wed 28-Aug-19 21:04:44

MaternityLeave, you tried. You went above and beyond for them. You should sleep easy knowing you gave them every chance.
Your DH can’t find fault in your efforts.
I’m glad you are making a decision that is best for you and LO. I’m sure DH will take some heat when he tells them, but it’s his family and his job to manage the message and their job to manage their feelings and expectations.
Good luck as you return to work. It’s an adjustment, too. But at least it will be made easier having this issue cleared up.

Madgran77 Wed 28-Aug-19 22:06:00

Goodmama good that your husband listened to you as I know that was a concern for you. What are your plans for your ILs seeing your child, if any?

MaternityLeave Wed 28-Aug-19 22:27:20

Thanks for the reassurance re my decision.
Feeling like a weight is off my shoulders. I am glad i didn't need to argue to reach this solution.
In laws will still see their GC. I will make every effort to visit them once a week for an afternoon. If they are not difficult and things seem to get busy at weekends, i will take LO myself to see them one afternoon a week when i am off or wfh as they can look after LO whilst i do my work in another room. But if they are sneaky etc then then i will not go out of my way to facilitate the visits. I will leave it to DH to remember and make arrangements.

Madgran77 Thu 29-Aug-19 08:45:15

Maternity Leave that is appropriate compromise and kindness with a good dose of commons sense! 😁

Hithere Thu 29-Aug-19 21:48:10

This is far from over.

Your dh is not listening to you, he is paying lip service. He is waiting you out. He is thinking what to do next.

You say: I need LO near me at work
He says: but costs! But......
You say: no
He says: ok then, I "agree" with you

He is not respecting your first answer. He is still on mil/fil/sil's side

Btw, sil is a packaged deal with MIL and fil. Don't get sil or you will see their enforcers and enablers (MIL dh and fil) come to her rescue.

Hithere Thu 29-Aug-19 21:49:43

Don't get sil mad - missing word mad

Madgran77 Fri 30-Aug-19 08:59:39

Hithere ...*Maternity Leave* has stuck to her guns on this one, good on her, and her husband has agreed. They have "negotiated" as couples generally do to make things work for them in their relationship...and yes, her husband may or may not repeat his views but whatever happens Maternity Leave is working her way through this in a a way that she feels proud of and a weight is off her shoulders.

Good on you Materniity Leave

Smileless2012 Fri 30-Aug-19 09:28:28

Yes, well done MaternityLeave you've managed to find and negotiate a good solution to the problems you were facing.

I hope that your in laws don't let you or themselves down and that your return to work goes wellflowers.