In law issue... childcare

It’s not easy for you DH to go against his mother’s wishes. He’s probably fallen in line his whole life until he met you. Hopefully he will realise that his own family must come first and you can relax and just enjoy your son. It’s such a special time and goes by so quickly.

I haven't read all the thread, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, as the baby's mother the ultimate decision as to his child care must be down to you and your husband, but from your opening post, it appears that he is under much pressure from his parents which unfortunately leaves him piggy in the middle. Concerns about different approaches are also understandable, how I dislike these gps, who like to lay the law down. To be a gp one has to have been a parent and have therefore raised a child/ren. I want to scream at them "you are one step back, your role is a supporting one, stop trying to be a parent again vicariously, it's not your time anymore"

Anyway will got back and read the rest of the thread now but hope your wishes are respected OP.

Still haven't read the whole thread, sorry to hear your mil is terminally ill. Others have pointed this out, but surely looking after a baby would be too much for her anyway. Although of course I understand her wanting to spend precious moments with this gc, I also completely understand you wanting to have the ultimate say so in how your baby is cared for. A difficult one! Chemo lays most people so low anyway, I have a friend who is going through that at the moment, her husband has temporarily banned visitors because he's worried about her catching any infection while her immune system is so vulnerable. Well we all know what it's like in a baby's first year as far as catching everything going whilst they are building up their own resistances.

I think you have made the right decision for the welfare of your baby, but I also hope that you are going to contribute to the costs, in the spirit of compromise.

I'm casting my mind back to when we had our gc as babies. They'd be dropped off with bottles, changing bags etc. but with vague instructions as to as to sleep times and feeds. I think, they, their parents, were glad we'd agreed to have them so were happy for us to get on with it. Of course if there were any specific requests, we'd have done our best to follow those. The only comment I would make is that sleep and feeding patterns evolve quite a bit in the early years, from what I can remember. We still find eating habits change constantly, even now at 5 and nana" and then the next week it's " don't you remember I don't like broccoli, I only like sweetcorn"

missed out - even now at 5 and 9 "I love broccoli you haven't done enough" and then next week etc.

The only instruction I remember is 'don't let DGD2 have a nap even for two minutes (this was after she dropped her day-time sleep) as she won't go to bed until about 10 pm!'.

Needless to say, she often managed to close her eyes when I was cooking her dinner!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi @maternityleave

I know I’m a month late in seeing this post and I hope you have made your mind up with regards to childcare.
I also hope you have decided to let your PIL have your son for perhaps one afternoon a week as the one thing a child really needs is love and if they dote on him then he would be happy and content being left with them.
My MIL has been terminal for 13 of my youngest’s 14 years and yet looked after her a couple of afternoons a week when I returned to work.
I didn’t necessarily like it because she is rather controlling and definitely opinionated, but she (and my late FIL) adored my daughter, so I agreed to it because she was safe and loved with them. If they have the TV on is it really a big deal? He’s 9 months old - hardly at an age where he can be corrupted by the TV. Also, grandparents are supposed to be the ones who treat their grandchildren. You know the wall plaques that say ‘If mummy says no, ask grandma’ and that sort of thing. I would let the odd chocolate button slide - it won’t make him a sugar junkie and will ease the tension if you aren’t watching everything they are doing and questioning their actions.

What you didn’t mention in any of your posts was your parents. Are they still around? Do they live close by?

With regards to the house move, I’m afraid that pregnant or not, had we chosen another house that was more practical and better suited to my family I would have told my husband to drive to his mothers. You don’t need to be in the same street to help someone when they are ill.
You said ‘Is it unreasonable for me to feel resentment especially as DH knew exactly what house we wanted but were both pressured because of mils illness.’
Was it truly a house you BOTH wanted, or one you fell in love with and had set your heart on?

I’m not talking as a MIL - I’m not one. I’m a mum trying to do her best to help someone tread the minefield that is difficult parents. I had them both by blood and by marriage, so much so that I no longer speak to my mother because of her controlling and opinionated ways (my father is wonderful).

I do think issues with your own parents are very different from in-law issues however.
You knew they were difficult before you married him - it may well have been more of a sport then - sort of ‘she doesn’t want me to have him so I’ll do my damnedest to!’, but sadly now you have ‘won’ that battle you will have a lifetime of others if you don’t stop seeing it as a competition.

He loves you both. His family obviously love your son, and I’m not sure why you say your son will be your FILs only happiness when your MIL dies. I thought your SIL had children? They must love her children too?

You’ve made your bed, both in your marriage and house choice, and now need to let the anger and resentment go and lie in it because if you don’t I’m afraid your in-laws will be seeing a lot more of your son without you around when his father has his access days.....

Compromise? Let them look after him one afternoon each week - both they and he would benefit.

I have never brought up my children to be living near me. Personally to move that near your in-laws or even in some cases your own parents is a bad move. Ive always maintained couples need privacy,whether it be young couples or mature ones. I dont understand your husband moving near them when he knew you didnt all get on. You could have moved somewhere near them given the circumstances, but it did not have to be the same street.I understand he is having a terrible time if his Mum is ill, but you are his wife. I agree with the other poster who said grandparents are there to support, we are not the parents! What I dont understand is how on earth this lady is going to provide childcare for an 8 month old while receiving treatment for cancer. What about times she needs to go to hospital for treatment? This possibly means your child having to go here, there and everywhere. It is hardly going to be settled for him. Worst case scenario what if sadly something happens to your Mum-in-law? Then you will have more childcare issues. I hope this does not happen, but it needs to be talked about. Your husband and yourself need to consider not only the present but the future. You also need to do what is best for your child. I would sit down with your husband and discuss this but do tell him you understand how he feels about his Mum. Make it clear you are not stopping her seeing her grandchild, but tell him how you feel. Having had quite a few family members with terminal cancer, I am really quite puzzled as to how she expects to look after this child. The treatments wipe you out and can make you extremely exhausted. I also would be concerned from a safety angle as in if she fell asleep looking after the child. Im afraid I dont understand the lady's logic. I am sorry she has cancer and sorry that yourself and your husband are in this difficult situation. You need to talk to each other. This is about the best advice I can give.

Good advice, I am afraid the ship already sailed.

The babysitting is more for sil, not so much for MIL.

Sisters-in-law should not have a say in anything that goes on between a couple. I wouldn't dream of interfering in any of my siblings marriages. The sister-in-law should keep out of it.

A mommy's boy and family enmneshment is a horrible combination.

Hi everyone,

I was surprised to see some late comments on this thread. This situation is very difficult. So many emotions to consider. I think overall it is tragic as mil is the cement that holds the family together. And her cancer is really taking its toll now and i can see the cracks emerging. They have given mil some tablets and said the chemo is not working and there is nothing more they can do.
With regards to the childcare issue it has been addressed. LO will be going to nursery. But i will ensure once or twice a month i do not arrange childcare so LO can spend time with in laws. Also i now make 2/3 visits to mils. 2 of the visits are without dh as he works long hours and his availability does not fit with LO routine. I now see mil n fil and their relationship with dh and son as something that is precious and temporary. I do my best to facilitate this. I have not forgotten my mil n sils antics. But i try and treat mil with kindness because she is very vulnerable now. I always bake her something when i go over. Its very confusing as some days i very strongly remember the pain and hurt she caused me. And other days i feel guilty for not finding a better way to deal with it and for disliking mil so much. Regarding the house buy, dh and i was most definitely on the same page. He knows this as do i. But he knows i am not happy about it and will at some point move out if i continue to feel this way.

Also regarding my own parents- they are supportive. They live in neighbouring town and leave us to live our lives. I visit often and my mum n dad open up their homes and happily wave us off wen we leave. No pressure to visit or guilt for lack of visits. No strings or emotional issues.

Thank you inlaws for your kind offer but I would prefer to put x child in nursery to develop friendships with other children and social skills. You are so kind to offer but I could not allow you to look after x child when you are so ill. It would be unfair of me. I will bring x child to see you at weekends.

MaternityLeave thank you for updating us. I'm sorry that the news about your m.i.l.'s health is not good.

Good for you for finding an understanding and compassionate way of dealing with this very sad situation.
.

Thoughtful of you to update. Kindness is always the the best way if possible, especially towards vulnerable people who cannot be “on their best behaviour”. I am not suggesting people be doormats but that making allowances in certain circumstances may be the best way. The manner in which you have dealt with this is dignified and when the worst happens you will not have to deal with guilt. Well done you. ? for you and your poorly MIL.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope my new attitude continues for as long as possible.

I think you’re amazingly kind MaternityLeave

I hope they appreciate you and have stopped their crap

So sorry to hear the bad news.

Hang in there

Hi
I am back again. Nothing major has taken place. I just left mils today feeling really deflated. Mil was really unwell. She has a cough she cant shake off and is really weak. It was difficult to watch. But i know many will say this is terrible and i feel bad but i suspect Mil n Sil tried to rip dh off financially with the sale of a business. Dh said no but only told me about it 6 weeks ago. Incident happened 12 months ago. I know sil would not have approached dh without getting the thumbs up from mil. I felt bad as mil was ill, well she is dying but at the same time i was furious at her. But of course i am not 100% sure sil got the thumbs up from mil. I am just 99.9% sure. Everytime i find a way to make some sort of peace with mil, something happens that takes me back to square one. Again i return home emotionally drained from feeling guilt because of mils health and my feeling of great dislike towards her, followed by deep shame for not being a better person and dealing with it better. I keep telling myself dh is loosing his mother and mils life is slipping away. My own feelings dont matter but i just cant help feel this way. I know you will say get a grip.

Your feelings ABSOLUTELY matter. Please don’t doubt your worth.

Im sorry your inlaws seem like terrible people, and your husband is so so soft.

There is nothing you can do about MIL now, but please back away from SIL at your earliest convenience.

Have you looked into therapy to talk to someone about your feelings about your husbands family? I can’t remember. It sounds like your husband would really benefit from some extra help in the coming months too.

I hate to say it, but I feel a death bed promise to “look after sister” is coming and you need to have him strong enough to put his own family first.

I know it will be difficult but I would distance myself as much as possible from sil, she sounds manipulating. Difficult I know but they seem quite practised at the guilt trips.