In law issue... childcare

The only needs MIl has are related to her own care, and health. Mil does not need to host birthday parties, cut cakes, or otherwise relive early motherhood. They are merely wants, and selfish ones at that.

I am unsure what you are saying to the OP here that is of any help really. She is in the middle of a difficult situation, is trying to get through it and trying to protect her own life as best she can; whether we agree or not she appears to be trying to keep in mind the cancer in how she is dealing with it all! . The OP has explained why they were arranging/hosting the party. We may not necessarily agree with how the family sorted that between them but it is a fact that they did. The OP was then genuinely shocked/hurt at losing out on cutting the cake. She asked for confirmation that her feelings about this were ok. She got clear messages about protecting this precious time with her young child as it goes so quickly. Hopefully that will help her in making wise decisions for her little family about other things as they arise,

OP needs to hear a non enmeshed view of her situation. A rational and non emotional point of view.

She has the power to change if she wishes.

Apologies, she doesn't need to hear anything she doesn't want to.

There are other rational, non enmeshed povs also available for her

Hither Yes I agree!

But you are being kind and thoughtful MaternityLeave because you're keeping your negative thoughts and emotions to yourself, thus enabling your m.i.l. to enjoy whatever time she has left with her GC.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Take note Maternity Leave, Smileless is right!

‘Kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ to everyone but herself. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your kids deserve a happy, contented mom. What ever you need to ensure they get that mom vs the internally seething mom....its up to you.

My understanding is that the chemotherapy risk is around bodily fluids for a period after the therapy.
This means that toilets need cleaning carefully (and some hospitals suggest disposable gloves for this), washing sheets hot (and not leaving in the laundry basket to be handled by others) and being alert to dangers of saliva, sneezing etc.

The biggest other issue is the handling of drugs. Some countries say to use disposable gloves for this too. I think in the UK we just say "wash hands thoroughly" and don't touch anything till you do.

So although a nuisance, if your mother-in-law has help anyway, even if she's not feeling well after treatment I would think there are plenty of adults to make things safe.
Try not to worry about that aspect of your relationship with your husband's family and concentrate on the way to negotiate the childcare problem.

Personally, if I could afford it, I would want to stay at home with my little one - but everyone is different and I know thus would drive some people mad!
Good luck.

Sorry, this seems to have come from nowhere. I have been thinking about it for some time! There was a brief discussion about chemo and visiting and being susceptible to cold etc.
It was some distance "upthread".
Apologies.

02:29OutsideDave ‘Kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ to everyone but herself. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

No, the OP has worked through a lot of the problems in a way that she feels she can manage. She knows herself well enough to know that she needs to avoid feeling guilty after MILs death. We may think she doesnt need to feel guilty and shouldn't but SHE knows that she will so is trying to avoid that. She took her family away, despite pressure from MIL etc; that is being kind to herself and her family and is an achievement for her in a difficult process.

Clearly your in-laws believe emotional blackmail works, you have proved it does. You deserve a life with your children, without constant in-law interference.

There is a wonderful
Book called ‘nice
Girl syndrome’ by Beverly Engel which you might find useful in dealing with your unneeded and inappropriate guilt, OP.

Yes I have read that book too. I agree it is very good Outsidedave!

Like Stella, I don't understand how a terminally ill woman or her husband are going to look after an eight month old child!

In your place, I would use this as my starting point in a discussion with my husband.

I understand very well that you have other reasons for not wanting your in-laws looking after your son, but most of them will either be hurtful to your husband or cause an argument with him or both. So start with you MILs health issues.

So SIL can get her paws on the child.

Mil is not the only evil one in this saga

the OP's m.i.l. is dying and the OP is doing her best to put her understandable issues and grievances with her m.i.l. to one side.

The OP's s.i.l.'s mother is dying so again, the OP is dealing with this very difficult and traumatic situation in the best way she can.

Referring to a woman who is dying from cancer as evil, especially when the OP has never referred to her in those terms is appalling.

" It saddens me that grandmas and mils have such strong view and no empathy. Are we to live by your rules just because you loved and raised your children?"

OP is part of this issue cultural? Are you expected to go along with your DH 's family?

I would not be happy to feel that the in-laws were in charge of my child care but you do have a choice.
Stay at home with your Baby. If you do not want to leave him with Pil then don't.
I find the Mil sounds very manipulative. People I have known who are terminally ill don't have that much energy or good days so that puzzles me.

I forgot to add that we are not stand ins for your Mil...

we are all very different on Gransnet

Mil doesn't need to make memories...you do. The more I htink about it the more I think that you are being manipulated and it is not right.
Time now for you to enjoy being with your DS

Your Mil has her family she is loved and looked after.
Do not keep giving into the family.
Time now for you and your.

You have done well to keep quiet for so long but you have been played and now is the time to stop.

Do not feel guilty about Mil.

Smileless,

Hitler was evil. If he had cancer, he would still be evil.

Evil is what you do, not the status of your health

And no, I am not comparing this MIL, any MIL, to Hitler.

Who are you to say the OP's m.i.l. is evil, you don't know her. The OP does know her and has never referred to her as being evil.

Her actions are not very kind and sensitive to the child and dil - being diplomatic here.

Let's agree to disagree

Good morning to all!

I’ll say it’s absolutely evil to tear away a child from its mother, to usurp her, ruin memories she can’t get back, just to be able to get to have fun with the child like it’s a doll. Even if you are sick. Jerks with cancer are still jerks.

I've come to this discussion late, and have been thinking about it a lot. The one person that's rarely mentioned is the child. The biggest question should be - what's best for them? Think about the positives that grandparents can bring to a DC's life. A DC can't be loved too much, by too many people, old and young etc, particularly family. The thought of DC being left all day in nursery when they could be spending the afternoon with their GPs who obviously love them deeply makes me sad. I'm a GM and I count my DiL as one of my closest relatives/friends.