In law issue... childcare

Maternityleave,

It is not your fault your MIL is sick.
There is nothing you can do to improve her health. Your child is not Prozac. You are not Prozac.

Your ILs are horrible people, you know it. They have showed it to you so many times
Time and time again they have showed you who they are and you choose to gaslight yourself into keeping the fake family facade.

You are in danger. This will not end with your mil's death. Your sil is as bad or worse than your mil.

It is as if your dh's fog is contagious.

I am not sure what to say. I know mil will tell dh to look after the sil especially the unmarried sil. I am not sure how to deal with this. I can just about breathe when dealing with what is already happening / happened. I would probably break down at the thought of trying to deal or think about whats to come.
I live in fear of later regretting my behaviour and spending my life feeling guilty if i do not make an effort with mil. When she is no longer here, i never want to allow her to occupy my mind in a negative way again. And to do that i need to make sure i carry no guilt.
If MIL did give sil the thumbs up to approach dh with this complete rip off business proposal, i just don't understand why mil would do that especially as sil is extremely successful. Also i know dh is a soft touch. His mothers illness has probably got him closer to his siblings which is what he needs at this time and probably more so after her death. He has a lot to deal with and i feel i need to be there for him but also draw the lines and not be a walk over. I wonder what else they have tried to do. I will be the first to say that dh is a walk over etc but i am glad he managed to say no to their proposal and say i can get a better deal myself.

MaternityLeave what a difficult time for you. I have a couple of suggestions for what it's worth

1. Your instincts are that for you it is right to avoid carrying guilt after MIL is gone. So do whatever you feel is right to avoid that for yourself. You have been kind and compromising and generous and compassionate and you should keep reminding yourself of that every time negative guilt strikes you!

2. The business deal/MIL/SIL issue is separate to the fact that your MIL is coming to the end of her life. Instead of focusing on their mean selfish behaviour, try to focus on the fact that your husband resisted the suggestion despite his difficulties in saying no to his family. That is a huge and positive achievement for him. Be proud of him for that. He will partly have managed it because of the support he has from you. So focus on that and mentally stick 2 fingers up at their behaviour because they lost a bit of their influence over him that day he said no!!

3. The future ...keep in mind that he said no that one time. When "looking after" comes up, talk to your husband about what that actually means ...not money if she is well off etc! Start to make this "problem" into a shared one for both of you rather than his problem alone, that way you can influence and support him, whatever MIL has or has not said to him!!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this

Thank you for the structured clarity Madgran. I have reread and will read again when feeling overwhelmed.

How are things Maternity Leave?

Hi Madgran,
Things are as well as can be expected. There is always one thing or the other. DS birthday caused a real mighty fuss. We basically had mix up on the party dates. Mil had control of the actual date which i accepted and there was misunderstandings etc. I didn't rise to it. But what got me was mil n fil cut DS birthday cake! They just assumed this role... i thought that was mum n dads role... anyway i just breathed through it. I reread your advise and put it as an act of kindness but i cant understand why they thought that was okay! I wasn't angry. I was surprised but not surprised they thought this was okay. Anyway its just crazy. But whats missing your first childs cake cutting in comparison to having cancer.

But whats missing your first childs cake cutting in comparison to having cancer.
You sound so beaten down, it makes me sad.

You are trying so hard to be kind and generous to people who treat you so poorly.

Please remember that you matter. Your wants and needs are valid. You can never get this time back either.

Hi MaternityLeave

Was the party at MILs house? Why did she have control of the date (fitting it around appointments??)

Ignoring the cancer issue for a minute, if the party was at MILs house then that might partially explain the assumption that they would cut the cake. They seem to struggle to consider others viewpoints/wishes , probably exacerbated by their stress with cancer.

Putting your acceptance as an act of kindness is fine, and generous of you. But I am sure you are also strong enough to not allow the cancer to become a total excuse for getting away with things that are really put of order As Summelove says, you can never get this time with your son back.

I totally understand why you would want to be the one to cut the cake etc. If it is any consolation, as the years go by with ones children, so many lovely milestones come and go that one experiences with them and so missing one becomes somehow less important.

Keep in touch

So your ILs stole your dc's bday party. Given their past behaviour, it is very predictable and expected.

Again, you have to decide how much you are willing to accept from them.
How many milestones do you want to give them in order to keep the peace/not rock the boat/"show them kindness" till you say enough?

Hi everyone,

The party was at their house to accommodate them. Also our current arrangements are unsuitable. They decided the dates as we escaped for a week during ds bday. So they chose when to work it. We provided cake and food etc. I find their conduct extremely unreasonable. And yet even thinking or writing things like this makes me feel petty. Its like my life has become everything v cancer. Whats worse... and of course cancer is so everything else doesn't matter. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed by it. I sound like a broken record.

I even felt guilty for booking a week away during ds birthday. I felt i needed something for just us. My dear parents have no opinions or wants. Thats one blessing i have come to appreciate.

Cancer is the excuse they use.

They would have hijacked your life anyway

Cancer isn’t worse than everything. They are manipulating you.

You need to stop letting them

Visit, include them, be kind. But do it on your terms

Hithere- i know this. And if she was fit as a fiddle, i could have been more tough. Perhaps dh would have also been more tough. Even now at random points ib the day i remember what she/ they have done.

Summerlove- Yes i mostly do things on my terms. But when they irritate or push things, i usually let it slide n use the whole she has cancer to try n put things into perspective.

Thank you for the replies. I prob should in the future start a new thread. I am probably giving too much identifiable information all in one place. It was just easier to reach everyone here.

Maternityleave

How could you be more firm if you have your dh and ILs against you, even in the event of full health?

If you open a new thread, you might get inaccurate responses due to the lack of background and details. I understand your concern, though

Maternityleave you are being unquestionably kind, caring and supportive in extremely difficult circumstances.

.

I think i would not spend a lot of time feeling guilty for disliking mil n sils. I would have probably stood my ground more but right now i try to tell myself that keeping MIL happy is more important as i dont know how long she has. Inside it is a real struggle and i probably spend 30% of my day remembering the negatives and then beating myself up for not being a big enough person to let things go. Its a mental struggle.

Smileless- i dont feel like i am being kind etc as my negative thoughts and deep feelings of anger and resentment can consume me. It seems petty that i cant let it go. But i go and do my duty and smile through it the best i can.

You’re being a right doormat, dear. Cancer stinks, but so does losing out on getting to be mummy. Do you think when your LO is an adult and has a child of your own; you won’t feel sadness and regret as (hopefully) they get to enjoy all the milestones you sacrificed to MIL? Or will you be bitter an angry, long after Mil is gone? These years go by so very very fast, and my kiddos are still quite small....if you aren’t in the moment and enjoying every second you can, you will regret that. I couldn’t enjoy my lo’s childhoods with mil breathing down my neck and having to be on guard all the time for her trying to steal some first or ‘mom’ moment from me. She felt entitled because she’d let her mil boss her around and sacrificed her kids childhoods to her ILs/foo. Therefore it was FINALLY her turn. Your mil raised children. Her regrets are not your issue.

My sympathies are entirely with the mother in law.
If you don't want to feel guilty, stop sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world.

MaternityLeave if sharing your thoughts helps you to keep going through this difficult situation then do it.

You are trying to find a way through balancing your own needs against the needs of someone who is dying. That is kind and thoughtful and not "being a doormat". You rightly prioritised your own needs when you went away; nothing to feel guilty about and to be honest, most people who truly cared about their son and his family would not question it; if your PIL did, that says something about them, not you!!!

I think as you know how these people behave though you need to try to anticipate a bit more, and therefore take control of your needs with your child, as well as be ready to deal with situations as they arise.

You are not being petty ...OutsideDave is right ... these years with little children do go quickly and lots of things are special to store up as memories.

Your MILs cancer does not mean that you lose your parenting "specials". It is for you to decide what you can and cant give because of her cancer, it is not for her to just take even in her sad situation.

The only needs MIl has are related to her own care, and health. Mil does not need to host birthday parties, cut cakes, or otherwise relive early motherhood. They are merely wants, and selfish ones at that.

OutsideDave I realise you have a different attitude/view to many other posters and that is fine and indeed good. A different viewpoint is needed to posters as most post on here for advice. However, could you try to deliver your view with a little compassion. People on here are suffering. Yes, it maybe through their own fault but suffering nevertheless. If someone does a silly dangerous thing and have been told it will end in them getting hurt, break a bone etc you wouldn't then not have a bit of sympathy for them, when they do break a bone, surely?

I don't think OutsideDave is the only one either. No doubt abuse will follow but I will not be posting regarding this.

Outsidedave is saying what I have been saying all along.

OP had a huge nice girl syndrome problem.