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In law issue... childcare

(288 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 14:08:56

I agree compromise is a good idea here. I did say mil can care for my son between 4.00-6.30 one to two days a week. I am not a monster restricting complete access. It saddens me that grandmas and mils have such strong view and no empathy. Are we to live by your rules just because you loved and raised your children?

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 14:09:26

Thank you Crazy H.

GoodMama Sat 03-Aug-19 14:49:43

MaternityLeave, my heart goes out for you dealing with such an awful situation.

My only advice is to listen to your gut. You know what’s best for your LO. Your DH should as well, but sadly he seems more concerned with his mother and sisters feelings and wants.

Stand your ground. Perhaps explain to him how awful it would be to have to “fire” them or end all unsupervised visits should things go badly. That certainly would make Christmas dinner awkward.

That’s the beauty of professional childcare. It’s a professional relationship. If you don’t like the care they provide you remove you LO. No drama, no crying.

This is unpopular on this board, but family as regular childcare is a bad idea. It confuses roles. Just let her be grandma and his sisters be aunts. No need to blur the lines.

Hugs to you.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 15:04:19

I think you may be getting harsh replies from some because you are coming across as pretty strong minded and not very open to advice On a forum like this you will get answers you don’t agree with or like to hear, you will probably get as many answers as there are people

Yes children do get abused in their own homes and the highest proportion of abuse is by known people so that’s is perfectly true, but are you saying your in laws are still friendly with the abusers of your husband ? That seems very strange if your mother in law was visiting the friend that abused him how on earth did the abuse happen while she was there ? Again that seems strange it doesn’t normally happen with the Carer there
Anyway that is all immaterial as if you mother in law is having chemo she won’t be out visiting much I m thinking

4 to 6.30 one or two days a week sounds very fair what has your husband said to that ?

I don’t agree with Goodmama most people can’t afford childcare and need to rely on family and there is nothing wrong with that 9 times out of 10

ElaineI Sat 03-Aug-19 15:15:08

How about one afternoon a week to help with the nursery costs? 4 to 6.30 is fine but not the best time for babies and toddlers as they get crotchety towards bedtime. Your baby is quite young so maybe not yet at that stage. Childminder brings us DGS 16 months at 5.30 two days a week and he is usually a bit cross and hungry and very difficult to prepare tea unless someone else does it - (DH) usually. Then its bath and pyjamas and home to bed. DD gets in about 6 or just after depending on bus so quite rushed. It is easier on the days where we have him all day and we can play in the garden park etc.

Namsnanny Sat 03-Aug-19 15:47:36

Bluebell....Thank you for having more patience than I, and stating kindly and clearly your/my point of view!
Clearly I have mil dil ‘fatigue’ grin

Nonnie Sat 03-Aug-19 16:16:54

Why did you need to shout at me? I did read all the posts which is what brought me to the conclusion that some of it didn't ring true.

You say that abuse happened when your DH was 7/8 so presumably he was left alone with someone your MiL trusted. However she would not leave a baby alone would she? That simply does not apply. Can you be sure that you won't ever leave your son with a trusted friend? Even a trusted nursery or school? Of course not, yet you blame your MiL for something that was not her fault.

If you come on a thread like this and expect everyone to pat you on the head and agree with you, you must be either very naive or have lived in a bubble. What would be the point of asking for advice if you didn't actually want various viewpoints.

A strong minded person like you would not have simply been talked into buying the wrong house so I wonder if there was a financial element to the purchase which made you feel you had less say in the matter? You must have agreed to it if it is in both names so should simply accept it and not bring it up as an argument against your PiLs.

I find your lack of empathy to a terminally ill person, who you say if a good grandparent, rather harsh. She doesn't have long to live so, for the sake of your husband, surely you can make her last few months pleasant? Do you really want to grow old knowing how you treated a sick person?

Doodle Sat 03-Aug-19 16:21:30

You have not mentioned abuse before on this thread so how are we supposed to know this happened. My advice stays the same. Talk to your DH. I am blessed with two lovely DILs for which I am very thankful. I have no idea why my post would lead you to mention your SILs or that you think I’m on another planet. In fact your reply to me makes no sense at all.

Doodle Sat 03-Aug-19 16:29:49

I would never tolerate a child being abused and certainly would not make light of it. Our children and grandchildren are the most precious things in the world. Your MIL must have been mortified when she found out.

agnurse Sat 03-Aug-19 17:12:44

There's no evidence to suggest that MIL is going to die within the next few months. There is evidence to suggest she is incredibly manipulative and uses her illness to get what she wants.

Is that someone you want around a child?

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 17:26:26

Nonnie; READ THE POSTS BEFORE QUESTIONING MY INTEGRITY.
Well, I think she did!

Nonnie Sun 04-Aug-19 10:18:22

Thanks Callistemon. On another thread a GP has asked for advice and thanked everyone even though she thought some were harsh. That is an adult reaction which unfortunately does not seem to be the case on this thread.

When I discussed this with DH this morning, his first reaction was that the OP should be helping the terminally ill MiL rather than than complaining about her and the whole family. He has a point. I certainly put my terminally ill MiL above everything else despite having very different views on many things.

fizzers Sun 04-Aug-19 10:43:56

Agree with you Nonnie not one thought has been given to this terminally ill MiL

Callistemon Sun 04-Aug-19 11:42:50

It's all rather odd.

MissAdventure Sun 04-Aug-19 11:49:07

Strange to think that there should be 'evidence' that someone is going to die in the next couple of months.

I can assure you, it happens, agnurse.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 12:04:13

Agree that your problem is not with your ILs it is with your husband.

It wouldnt be a problem what they asked for if he wasnt agreeing in your absence.

You are not a team. He is raising his child with his parents rather than with their mother (you)

paddyann Sun 04-Aug-19 12:45:32

I dont agree notanan I think this man is trying to do whats best for everyone.His mother is terminally ill ,he wants his child to spend some time with her while its possible .HE'S the baby;s father.Dont we usually hear an outcry on here about men distancing themselves from their families because of their wives?

I think he's right .I think the OP is the controlling one who want total say over THEIR child .He has equal rights to how he's raised .

knickas63 Sun 04-Aug-19 12:48:19

Having read all your posts I think their are a few issues. You are clearly trying to ensure there is good and reasonable contact between your DS and his grandparents. They want more and are trying to force it on you. This has caused the anger you feel at their previous manipulation to bubble over. Stand your ground re childcare, but maybe reduce it by one day and let them have him. Kids are pretty resilient, and one afternoon of not following your rules to the letter won't hurt him.
The other issue is harder. You need DH on your side. However, he obviously loves his family and is worried about his mum. His mother's health will effect the way he sees things. You need to resolve the feelings around the house, and he needs to understand how threatened and manipulated you feel by his family. It's important you end up on the same page.
Thirdly, you need to chill. You come across, possibly wrongly, if so I am sorry, as very uptight and controlling. Try to relax a little. Children benefit from different influences. If you try and completely control your sons experiences you will do yourself and him no good. I am talking in general here.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 12:50:38

Being involved does not = making important decisions about where to live or childcare WITHOUT involving the other parent.

There are 101 ways he could support his ill mother without cutting the childs mother out of the equation and only filling her in as an after thought, pressuring her to "agree" to things that are allready decided and set in stone without consulting her.

Slowcookervegan Sun 04-Aug-19 12:52:35

Maternityleave . I totally agree with you. Stand your ground. If the inlaws are not well a baby is not going to help them. The baby is better off 8n childcare. Good luck.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 13:11:43

OP is offering lots of GRANDPARENT access/time/activities/visit but they want to co-PARENT her child with her DH. That is not okay. At all. She is being cut out of her own life!

quizqueen Sun 04-Aug-19 13:35:13

Compromise by allowing them to care for the baby one afternoon a week OR whenever the baby is ill and can't go to nursery- this will be a lot at first, believe me, I work in a nursery and they are always ill in the beginning until they pickup a resistance to catching whatever is going around.

Also, I thought the childcare vouchers scheme was coming to an end, I may be incorrect there, I will check it out.

Nonnie Sun 04-Aug-19 14:19:25

Is she dying or not? If she is then how on earth is this relevant? "I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour" he is a baby and can hardly be influenced in any detrimental way before she dies!

Imo you are trying to alienate your husband from his entire family. You don't like any of them! They could be a great support to you if you would only let them. If you are kind to them you can call on their support in an emergency or if you have another baby. Why does it have to be all your way, what is wrong with a bit of give and take? Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy compromise. Many on here have DiLs who are very grateful for the child care and emotionally secure enough not to be jealous.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 17:25:11

Imo you are trying to alienate your husband from his entire family.

HOW on earth is the OP doing this???
She just wants a say in her own and her childs life! The ILs see LOTS of the OPs family, she just doesnt want them controlling her life!

agnurse Sun 04-Aug-19 18:17:56

This woman has been treated for cancer several times and is undergoing further treatment with no prognosis as far as OP knows.

I rather doubt she is going to die any time soon.