In law issue... childcare

I'm sure maternityleave will be able to sort out arrangements to keep everyone happy (ish!)

How? She is not even in the loop!

Her life and childs upbringing are being decided in her absense between her husband and his parents and then she is bullied into going along with whatever THEY decided.

I dont buy that the husband is an innocent piggy in the middle in all this TBH.

DH and I have supported each other through sick relatives, dying parents etc and still remained a team/partnership.

OP is in a very controlling relationship. If the MIL wasnt ill I'll bet there would be another excuse for his needs to take absolute priority over hers!

The DH is getting away with saying it is all because of the ILs

But HE is going and discussing your life decisions with them instead of you OP
And HE is agreeing these decisions in your absence OP
Then HE is coming back to you and blaming them

hmmm

Why is your knowledge of your MILs prognosis so vague? I bet your DH knows whats going on with that, why does it suit him to keep you somewhat in the dark?

Are there any other aspects of your life you are kept vague on OP? Finances? Deeds? Mortgage? Etc.

Be careful/smart.
You are being worked out of the loop re your childs upbringing. What other areas of your life are you being made redundant in?

I get that he is coming home and acting like the "good cop". The victim in the middle even.

But HE is being 50% involved in these decisions. Perhaps even leading them more than he is letting on.

Maternityleave,

Have you talked to your pediatrician about the effects of mil's treatment on other people?

I would just stay home and don't go back to work if you want to avoid a fight with your dh.
Btw, your dh's fault! How dare he make life changing arrangements with his mother, ignoring you? This will continue as long as you allow it by "compromising"

What when your dh and MIL decide your kid's 1st bday party is at her place and she bakes the cake? Spend Christmas at her place so she can see LO opening presents?
Are you ready for her to take over your lives?
And then, when she passes away, how can you be so mean to FIL and SIL to remove all the access (aka less babysitting, for example) to LO they had before MIL passed away! How about the bond they have! Doesn't it matter?

Your ILs dont like you and disrespect you. Your ILs and dh are manipulators - it is vile to use a disease and possibly misrepresent the severity of it for their own advantage.

ILs are unsafe to babysit. They will ignore your rules and they will take your baby to see people you do not know and approve of. They will steal your firsts, tell you and enjoy your discomfort and pain.
Would you hire daycare that would do this? I doubt it

You know very well that your ILs and dh will guilt and manipulate your child when your child doesn't do what mil wants (fulfill their mother of your child experience). Do you really want that for your baby?

I am sorry MIL is sick. It must be hard for everybody involved.
However, you did not make her sick. Your child will not magically cure her. Your child is not Prozac.

ILs are horrible parents. Leave and cleave anybody? Respect for other adults? No, that is not what they taught your dh.

Your ILs may also not be happy with your compromise and may push for more. Where is your limit?

Please, OP, put your child first, not the whims of selfish adults who have childish fits when they do not get their way.

If your DH actually disliked the way his parents are/treat you, he would not have been instrumental in buying a house on their street.

His actions may speak louder than his words. And his actions speak of very little respect for you OP.

He may even be BLAMING them to you for things that were HIS idea.

You need to watch your back

P.s. do NOT consider giving up your job in these dodgy circimstances. You have so little independance as it is.

msadventure like I said, different medical opinions. As I said, as an adult I was not allowed to visit my grandmother.

It was just a suggestion to ask all doctors involved.

Though, If I were uncharitable, inlaws would lie about recommendations just to get what they want

Nonanan2
Thinking about it, I agree with you on the job.
Maternityleave needs to say "no, it is not going to happen and we make decisions together as the parents of the child" and mean it. That is the hardest part.

Providing they are healthy enough to look after him and you know in your heart they will look after him, then I would let them. Nurseries are not that brilliant! Sorry! I have yet to hear of anyone give full marks. You can not pay someone to love your child. If your inlaws genuinely love him then what could be better. Don't be in any doubt that nurseries and any type of educational system will not influence your child. They all do!!! Try to think that if you did like your inlaws would you be happy for them to care for him. I would much rather leave my children with someone who I know loves him.

Internet been playing up and other posts have now come through? strange and mixed up set up you have. I still think some points I have made are true and valid. Try to separate all the different 'angles' that are going on. Do what is truthfully best for your son and not for your husband or indeed yourself.

Nurseries are not that brilliant! Sorry! I have yet to hear of anyone give full marks. You can not pay someone to love your child.

We are still in touch with our eldest's first nursery key worker. My eldest is in secondary school. She is still in touch with lots of "her" babies. Probably one of the most loving people I have ever met (and certainly more loving that those ILs sound!)

Have also kept in touch with a staff member from preschool who continued to babysit when mine were in primary.

There are good, bad and inbetween nurseries just as there are good bad and inbetween grandparents!

My daycare provider has been invited to weddings of children she took care of when they were babies

Oh we also recently went to a big preschool reunion too and there was definitely "love" there it was very emotional.

I agree dh has a lot to answer for. I have not forgotten nor forgiven the house purchase decision.
I dont think he is playing innocent. He seems genuinely torn between both me and his mum. When he suggested we allow in laws to look after our son his reason was save money and too long days for baby. He did not say he had a convo with mil so he did not actually blame them. Instead he made out it was his decision. But i saw through it.

and call me controlling
I never said you were controlling

We only know one side of the sage anyway.

I dont think he is hiding anything but who knows. Finances he takes care of everything. Mortgage, bills etc. My name is on the deeds and mortgage etc. I have squirrelled away rainy day fund. Will continue to add to it for a day when i may need to walk away. Hence why as one poster mentioned, my job is key.

Oh Callistemon you just cannot or will not see the other side. Not once have you considered what i said. You have doubted, questioned everything. Do you really see no fault in their conduct? Can you not bring yourself to stop thinking as a mil or a grandma and see it from the perspective of a dil? A young first time mum?

What's needed here is compromise. You asked if two visits a week, 4.00 to 6.30 was reasonable access MaternityLeave and IMO yes it is.

Is it reasonable for your DH to want his terminally ill mother to see her GC on a regular basis, yes it is. Is it reasonable for him to make nursery/childcare arrangements without talking it over with you, no it isn't.

IMO if you're able to be a stay at home mum until your child goes to school, that would probably be the best route to take.

I was fortunate to do the same until our youngest started school. It was a wonderful time and there are many mums who'd love to be able to spend those formative years at home rather than going out to work, if only the could afford to do so.

I do get the impression that there's a lot of underlying anger and resentment because you've previously agreed to do things which you now regret. As understandable as that is, it's not helping you to hold onto those negative feelings indefinitely.

Your m.i.l. has a terminal cancer diagnosis. A terribly distressing time for her husband, daughters and of course your H. Don't allow this to become a battle ground. Show that you're willing and able to compromise and understandably require compromises in return.

I'mby your post Hithere, talk about trying to extinguish a fire with gasolene. "ILS are horrible parents"; they'll ignore her rules; steal her firsts, tell the OP and enjoy her discomfort and pain. You accuse the OP's m.i.l. of misrepresenting the extent of her illness. Saying that her H and in laws will guilt and manipulate her child.

I hope the OP disregards your inflammatory and totally OTT response.

On a forum you never see the other side. You rely on the honesty of the poster and try and imagine the reasonings of the other side. Not knowing the other side does not invalidate everything i have said but you have persistently been negative towards me.

Quote: My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon
I'm wondering whether your husband or in-laws are at fault here. Whose suggestion was it? Was it husband trying to cost cut and he asked his mother to baby sit to save money or did mother-in-law volunteer? I can't imagine that a person having chemo would feel well enough to cope. I acknowledge that the sisters have been mentioned but have they been asked or has it been a suggestion that they could help. Do they even know they've been nominated as co babysitters?
I have a friend that has been having chemo since February and weren't able to send her fresh flowers, only artificial. Germ avoidance at all costs. So not good to rely on mother- in law anyway as we all have colds etc which would disrupt your working schedule in those circumstances.
The other point you mention is that you and your husband had already agreed on nursery care for 3 days for your baby. If his mum asked your husband if she could look after your baby while you worked then he should have told her that you had already had made plans but thanks very much for asking and you'll perhaps be glad of her on a weekend when baby get older and you need time to yourselves together.
Reading your post you visit every week, have trips together, send photos and videos which I think is wonderful. Much more than some grandparents get.
Husband needs a talking to and a lesson in being assertive.

Just to add, ask husband who asked who?

Can you not bring yourself to stop thinking as a mil or a grandma and see it from the perspective of a dil? A young first time mum?
Been a first-time mum, would you believe!
How did I get to be a grandma otherwise?

I have a lovely DIL, thank you and thank goodness.

Sorry, there are so many of these sagas popping up on GN recently. Perhaps yours is true in which case good luck.

I get it, and completely understand. You are in a situation with very little control. You DH is being influenced by his DM. Are you a passive person? Do you let things build up before you say anything? I think you're outnumbered here. Is your DM around? Or someone who could support you? Your Mil is lucky that everyone is making sure she gets what she wants..whilst going through cancer. I agree with other posters though that your little one needs his extended family even if you don't. I wonder whether you spent other occasions with them before you had your son, how was that? Anyway, its your life and looking at all circumstances objectively, I think you need to find coping strategies and be firm if you don't want them to do the childcare. Or just work whilst he's at nursery or, dare I say it, do your 3 months and stop working until he's older, you're a mum first now, that means baby comes first.