In law issue... childcare

Yes summerlove i will try to remain chatty. But if he is reserved i will not be apologetic. I will too become reserved. It will be a tough few weeks. But i am mentally prepared. Wishful thinking is he agrees happily to childcare arrangements as previously agreed and peace is maintained in my home and more importantly my mind.

Exactly March, chemo can be given to extend life even though it's not possible to bring about a cure.

When the OP's m.i.l. was originally diagnosed 7 years ago, it may well have not been felt that her illness was terminal but sadly the treatment she was given failed to rid her of this terrible disease.

I think it's horrible when adult sons who have a close relationship with their mothers are referred too as 'mummy's boys'. That's what our ES's wife would say about our ES and our DS's ex wife said about him.

I do wonder when comments like that are made if the poster making them has their own agenda.

Here's the problem. DH is making parenting decisions with his mother.

That's not okay. She is not a third parent. She is not a party to the marriage.

If a man is not prepared to stand by his wife, and puts his mother ahead of his wife, that's not okay. He didn't marry his mother, nor did his wife.

Whether to put a child in nursery is a parenting decision, not a GP decision.

OP offered 2.5 hours twice a week. Plenty of time. MIL said that wasn't good enough for her. Frankly, if I had a parent or IL who behaved that way, they wouldn't be seeing my kids period. You want to behave as if you're 2 years old, you'll be treated that way. My children don't get to be around adults who act as if they're 2 years old.

Yes, I expect a good dose of the silent treatment from his wife will sort out those issues.

It sounds as if the whole family behave like 2 year olds, to be honest.

He is acting like a Mummys boy though. You can have a great relationship with your mum without her being a 3rd party in your marriage.

He's being influenced by his mum and is going with her ideas and wants over his wife. And when he isn't getting his own way he gives his wife the silent treatment untill she caves in and he gets what he/his mum's wants.

That is controlling behaviour and it sounds like a crap marriage.

This is actually the second thread I've read about men giving 'The silent treatment' when they don't get their own way.

He's being influenced by his mum and is going with her ideas and wants over his wife.

So he says... but I still think theres the possibility that they're HIS wants and he uses his mum to make himself look like he isnt as controlling as he actually is

I think it's horrible when adult sons who have a close relationship with their mothers are referred too as 'mummy's boys'.

Oh please! That is NOT what is happening. This is not a normal/healthy family set up. Nobody is slagging off men who have normal close relationships with their mums.

If you dont see how abnormal/unhealthy it is for a man to act like his mother not his wife is his childs second parent... then I can see why similar labels may have been applied to your household!

We all want to marry men who are kind to their mums.

In some cases though the mil uses this to her advantage to always be number 1 in her sons life. That’s not healthy. A man who can’t make decisions without his mums input isn’t healthy (same for a woman who won’t without her families input) a married couple needs to make family choices together.

Your DH’s mother is dying, I might consider how he is being in these circumstances and show him love and support.

agnurse:

Here's the problem. DH is making parenting decisions with his mother.

That's not okay. She is not a third parent. She is not a party to the marriage.

If a man is not prepared to stand by his wife, and puts his mother ahead of his wife, that's not okay. He didn't marry his mother, nor did his wife.

Whether to put a child in nursery is a parenting decision, not a GP decision.

This is the problem in a nutshell. DH is expecting you to organise your family life around his mum's wishes. That's not fair on you, or on your child.

I think the problem you have is that you gave in over the house, so he thinks if he keeps up the pressure, you'll give in again. It doesn't matter how much you explain your reasons, he's not interested in what you think. You have to speak the same language as the others are doing - 'I want' rather than a negotiation.

Your DH’s mother is dying, I might consider how he is being in these circumstances and show him love and support.

Im sorry but that doesnt ring true. DH and I have supported each other through bereavements on both side, never has it meant that the other gets no say on major life choices!

Well you referred directly to my post notanan but still managed to turn my comment into something different.

I've already posted on more than one occasion on this thread that the OP's views and opinions should be taken on board by her H and that her husband making decisions without her agreement is unacceptable.

So, taking into account that I am not in agreement with the way the OP's husband has behaved, do tell how you can see "why similar labels may have been applied to (my) household".

They were applied to my relationships with my sons simply because we were close. Unfortunately Summerlove it seems that some women having married a man who is close to his mum resent it which can, as it did with our youngest, result in their estrangement from their parents.

It’s very sad when people of all ages can’t allow other relationships

Yes it is, sad and unnecessary.

I have a son and every day i pray i do not become a hinderance to him. That i remember how i am made to feel now and can empathise with my dil. I would hate to make my son feel torn and would like to think that i will be able to wave my son off happily and not burden him with emotional blackmail which forces him to consider my needs and cause tension in his life. I am sure this will make his wife feel secure and can only lead to better relationships all round. Sometimes i wonder what do some mils want? To drive their dils away so their son ends up divorced and they get their sons back? Does this increase access to GC? No. If their is tension in a marriage the decent thing to do is to back off. I would hate to carry the burden of adding strain to a marriage and my conduct contributing to my childs divorce.

If DH discussed important life/parenting devisions with his mum (which he does! Its good that he has a support system) she would naturally ask him what I had to say about it, and if he said he hadnt discussed it with me she would tell him to!

"decisions"

Its not hard to be a decent MIL. Just be a decent human in general.

But the thing is my mil seems to be voicing what she thinks is best. My mil knows what dh and i plan to arrange as i had a very open convo with sil.

I look forward to updating u all on how this convo with dh goes and the end result. I hope it's a positive one for everyone. Currently on a much needed break with my LO. return back on the weekend so watch this space. Thanks to all for taking their time to share their thoughts and advice. Xx

So notanan2.... ^If DH discussed important life/parenting decisions with his mum (which he does! Its good that he has a support system) she would naturally ask him what I had to say about it, and if he said he hadn't discussed it with me....
she would tell him to! ^

And I suppose he would do as she said and speak to you?

So following Mums advice when it suits makes a good husband, but when it doesn't he's a mommys boy!

I realise you didn't bring that demeaning phrase to the thread, I believe Hithere did.

It is a well known way of demeaning a man, and a disgusting one at that!

Hithere also said, ^puffing, screaming tantruming, and fake ER visists…..Who are you to declare that the visits are fake without any knowledge?

You and your friends vitriolic attacks and exaggerations have even encouraged Maternityleave to come back and defend her MIL!!
Now that's something. Lets look at that again.

even the op has come out and defended her MIL against the things you have accused her of!!!!!

Well done!


Maternaty …...You did say you had a standoff with your inlaws because of your SIL (sister in law?) treatment of you?
If that is true, why did

agnurse.. A sick jerk is still a jerk!
You never said a truer word,



Peonyrose, Joyfulnanna, Nanaandgrampy, MissAdventure….. great posts, Thank you, compassionate, informative, and helpful!

"Go home and speak to your partner" is the default setting for any advice.

Parents should never get involved in their AC's relationships and AC should never ask their parents to get involved.

There's a difference between reverting to a default and actively trying to create problems.

The bottom line is that the childcare is not a decision in which MIL gets to be involved. Period. She doesn't get any say, except whether or not she is willing to provide childcare. If she is willing but the answer is no, she needs to accept that.

While it is true that we don't know that the ER visits are fake, it is also true that there are people who pretend or create illness in an attempt to get attention. I once cared for a woman who got herself admitted to hospital for a minor problem (rural hospital so "social admissions" are more common) just so her children would come visit her on Mother's Day. Seriously. If MIL has a history of crying wolf, I would not be surprised if she's just being manipulative.

But there is nothing at all to even suggest that the OP's m.i.l. is pretending or creating an illness "in an attempt to get attention" agnurse, what a horrible thing to suggest.

A history of 'crying wolf' the OP's m.i.l. has terminal cancer.

It was good to see you defending your m.i.l. maternityleave and illustrates the content of some of the replies you've received, that you felt you needed to say she's neither a liar or a bad person, despite the obvious problems you're having.

Great post Namsnanny.

'Go and talk to your wife about it' is normal. Surely that's what normal parents would say to their Adult child about something important that needed discussing? Because they know the final choice is with them as a team.

Not know what they both want and be well aware of what their spouses want BUT because its not what you want, try and persuade your Adult child to do what you think is best and what you want. Then the adult siding with his mum over what his wife, mother of his child, wants. It's not small either, it's a house and childcare. 2 of the biggest things that gets decided.

I don't think the MIL is faking cancer. It's been 7 years and she's been having Chemo.

I think her being ill is a separate issue though. My Dad was terminal and I didn't get the upper hand in decision making because I had a ill parent. We was still a team.