In law issue... childcare

I didn't say you were wrong, I just pointed out that my daughter was around her children quite safely.

Unless anyone knows the specific chemo this lady is having its quite misleading to say its unsafe.

While silent treatment is not a healthy way to deal with this mess, it clearly indicates that the OP needs a well deserved break from her drama manipulated filled life.

Silent treatment is the least of the dysfunctional behaviour displayed in this thread.
Mommy's boy and mil clearly take the cake.

OP, do not ever cave again to anything your dh wants, unless you want it too.
Your dh makes a decision with MIL and then he informs you, it is an automatic no.

So you have been togethet 14 years, 50% of that time controlled by dh and MIL and your desire to make dh happy.

Do you have trustworthy proof of the terminal diagnosis? Who is your source now for her medical information?

You said your mommy's boy and you once were a united front and you didn't talk to her for months.
Was her terminal diagnosis given to her after or before this united front?

Read "nice girl syndrome", it will help you a lot.

Nice Girl Syndrome is well worth a read as Hithere says. Silent treatment doesn't really solve the problem because your husband isn't hearing properly why there is a problem and what can solve the problem .... and I suspect the same problems will just keep arising. I do think your husband has some hard choices to make.
I also think that if MIL is terminally ill then she is likely to be desperate to sustain regular contact with her grandchild ....and it sounds as if to get that she is using the same tactics as have worked for her and in her family (including with your husband) all her life. And your husband will inevitably be influenced by those tactics as the way to deal with things having been brought up with them!

Good luck, hope your conversations go as you wish...and if they dont maybe more conversations rather than silent treatment?

Oh yes that's really going to help isn't it Hithere if the OP were to even hint that she questions her m.i.l's terminal diagnosis and why would she? I really don't know why you feel the need to question the validity of the poor woman's diagnosis.

You're even suggesting that the diagnosis came about after a period of the OP not talking to her m.i.l. and referring to the OP's husband as a "mommy's boy".

The OP's husband's mother has been told she is terminally ill. This is bound to make him less effective when it comes to dealing with her understandable desire to see as much of her GC as she can.

Of course you need to make your feelings and opinions known MaternityLeave and you deserve to have them respected but IMO you also need to take into account the sad reality of your husband's situation.

His mother is dying, he needs your support every bit as much as you need his; maybe even more. So speak to him and find a compromise. Two wrongs don't make a right and making demands and/or taking decisions that exclude him is not the way to go about it.

If you do that, you're simply doing what you see him and your m.i.l. doing and what you understandably find unacceptable.

Smileless2012,

“If you do that, you're simply doing what you see him and your m.i.l. doing and what you understandably find unacceptable”

I think what you are missing here is that when it comes to the child OP and MIL are not equals. OP would not be doing what DH and MIL are doing because MIL is not LO’s parent and should have no say or spoken opinion on OP’s child’s care.

I agree the silent treatment isn’t the best solution, but nether is continuing to consider MILs feelings when she so clearly doesn’t consider OP’s feelings.

OP does not need to compromise with DH about his mother’s wants for her and his child. MIL’s wants are her own business. The problem is that MIL’s guilt tripping behavior changes DH’s wants from his own to his mother’s wants. He wants to avoid her inevitable punishment so he gives in and goes against OP.

For this, OP and DH (and LO) need space from MIL so they can function as an independent family unit. MIL actively fights against this.

Her diagnosis is sad, but does not give her any excuse for her behavior and interference in this young family.

Harrigran..Im just reiterating the strapline on this site which says:
"Gransnet is the busiest online community for over 50s. At its heart is a discussion forum where users give each other advice and support, ..."

I know silent treatment is not the best way forward. But what am i to do if i try to reason with dh but he doesn't agree. Then the next step is to say “well this is what i am going to do” and if i am forceful he will know i will not be pressured as i have been before. So he will be reserved and when i say silent treatment what i mean is when he is reserved or silent with me, i wont cave in and make an effort. I too will maintain my silence with him as i have done nothing wrong by outtinf my foot down. Also mils diagnosis is genuine. I have seen the side effects of chemo over the past 7/8 years and she may be controlling when it comes to DH but she isn't a liar and a bad person full stop.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Can I just say I am very very glad that some of you are not members of my family.If you cant find it in your heart to be kind to your husbands mother when she is terminally ill then the world really has gone mad .As for giving a husband the silent treatment because you cant have your own way ...well my children grew out of that when they were under school age .Real charmers all of you !

I am not questioning Op's story.

I am questioning MIL's terminal diagnosis and the sources where OP got it from because sadly, some people use medical conditions to force their agenda.
Cancer/heart attacks/other serious conditions have been faked, exaggerated or just insinuated to exist to pull back the control they lost.

Yes, he is a mommy's boy as he puts MIL first. He makes decisions with his mother, not his wife.

Major decisions as child care, how to spend family time, where to live, are taken by dh and his mother and OP is supposed to happily obey and have no input at all.
Dh and mil are treating OP as the other woman and incubator

I bet OP would happily allow her baby to have more time with mil if they had a better and more respectful relationship.

Here's the thing. This woman has been manipulating the OP and her DH for 14 YEARS.

A sick jerk is still a jerk.

Men who are tied to mums apron-strings are often the caring type. It's time to start building bridges and being your DH best friend. He chose you and you him. Get back to basics and show him some compassion, then he'll be more likely to come round to your way of thinking. Put yourself in his shoes.

Maternityleave,
If she has terminal cancer, why is she getting another round of chemo?

Terminal means it cannot be cured or treated.

I am not questioning your credibility at all.
I wonder where terminal came from, as it escalates the level of severity of her health condition.
Did you hear terminal from her doctor or from mil/dh, with no further proof?

Chemo is not just used to treat, its also used to manage cancer..

She can't be lying about Cancer if she's having Chemo and has been for 7 years!

My Dad had 2/3different types depending on his blood results/scans which had to to be done on the day of Chemo so he didnt know what type of Chemo he needed untill the day he went for it.
If one wasn't responding he would need a different one/stronger/weaker one.

There were side effects to them all and one certain dose he couldn't be around my children for about a week. Could of been steroids?

The side effects alone would put me off leaving my children with anyone having Chemo. They should be resting.

My Dad was terminal though. He didn't even live 7 months after diagnosis let alone 7 years, also seeing how quickly somone can deterote and they go down hill, fast.

Enjoy your days out with her and your weekly visits. Send your son to Nursery. God forbid, anything happens the last thing you're going to want to do is faf with Nursery places. Kid needs routine too.

Saying that, a family member has Blood cancer. You'd never know. She lives a fabulous life and takes Chemo tablets and has regular check ups.

'Chemo is not just used to treat, its also used to manage cancer..'

Yes, I think what's my family member has. It manages it, where as my dad had it to pro-long the time he had left.

Thanks March. Sorry your father had to go through so much

He uses the silent treatment on you and you usually cave but this time you're not? I get ya.

So he usually ignores you when he doesn't get his own way and gives you the silent treatment?

That's not healthy, its absolutely another sign of control and it's been working if you keep caving into what he wants.

After reading your update I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I wouldn't call the ops husband ' a mommy's boy'.
He's torn between two strong women who he loves dearly. Trying to please his terminally ill mother and his wife knowing that one of these women will not be happy.
As I said in an earlier post, if it was me in this position I would politely thank mother-in-law for her offer in childcare but under the circumstances with her illness and having to have chemo and feeling poorly, I wouldn't dream of her looking after baby. After all by the time the op goes back to work baby will almost be a toddler and we all know at that age it's hard work and you need eyes out of the back or your head.
I think op on this thread suggested that mother-in-law would be welcome to babysit for a couple of hours early evenings for three days. To me, that should keep everyone happy. I also think MIL is trying to take on 'more than she can chew' and I think she will find that. 8 month old babies are easier to care for. Toddlers are not. Husband should also explain this to his mum.

MaternityLeave, So if I’m understanding your correction properly, your husband gives you the silent treatment?

I think you are right not to cave in to his sulk, but I think what you really need is marital therapy. This will teach you how to “fight fairly” and how to make sure your wishes are heard.

It will also help you and your husband come up with ways to handle the grief and stress down to come with his mother going through more cancer treatments and her inevitable death.

When you are at therapy in that safe place, I would ask all the practical questions about how MIL would care for baby, And what his plans were for after she passes. I suspect the ultimate plan would be for his sisters to continue caring for a baby because it would make them happy when they were so very very sad.

Mil has terminal cancer but as mentioned by some posters, chemo is used to managed the cancer but not treat it due to the nature of mils cancer.

Re silent treatment PaddyAnn i think u missed the point. When i stand my ground, DH becomes silent and reserved. Convo is on a needs must basis only. Often, i give in and make convo first. Where as this time, i will not as giving in, as this gives the impression i am wrong.

Maternity leave, they way you wrote it originally made it sound like you’d give him the silent treatment if he disagreed, not that he did it to you

Personally I’d remain chatty, let him see how a mature adult handles conflict