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To be fuming ?

(152 Posts)
gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 11:02:34


I take my elderly father shopping twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays as well as seeing to his other appointments etc. He is a creature of habit and for some reason once a week isn’t enough. I have done this for years. On top of this I look after my 4 DGC 2 days a week (including an overnight) which is fine when they are at school as I do the school runs and take my dad shopping with the baby in tow. The other 3-4 days of the week I am at work 9-5.

Today and tomorrow I have the 4 DGC on my own. I texted my father this morning to remind him that I wouldn’t be able to take him shopping as normal as I can’t fit everyone in the car and the older DGC wouldn’t want to trail around a supermarket today anyway. I told him I will try and take him tomorrow when DH gets back (he’s working away for a few days) .

The text I got back from my dad was..... oh I have had an invite out to lunch from your sister and her partner anyway so wouldn’t want to go shopping . Really? Oh yes they’re both on holiday this week. Well can you get them to take you for some shopping then?

Five minutes later a telephone call from my sister saying “we are taking dad out to lunch but won’t have time to take him shopping as we’re heading away for a few days later today”

So for once in a bloody blue moon she could have taken OUR dad for some shopping but no, her time is precious . Mine is obviously worthless and I am fuming.

Sorry about the rant.

kittylester Tue 13-Aug-19 11:07:48

You are not being unreasonable gilly but I think your sister (and, to an extent, your dad) is being really thoughtless.

kittylester Tue 13-Aug-19 11:08:10

And, rant away! grin

Luckygirl Tue 13-Aug-19 11:09:55

Oh - fume away! Entirely justified!

Maybe when she returns from her precious "me" time (how I hate that expression!!!) you could sit her down and decide some sort of rota for taking Dad shopping.

4 GC all day!!! - I take my hat off to you!

dragonfly46 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:17:09

Oh I totally get it Gilly. You are not being unreasonable.

For years after my parents moved nearer to us I would take my mother out every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning shopping as it was then my DH played golf. My parents felt I had nothing better to do.
It got to the stage where I really resented it. I was also on call for the middle of the night calls and the evening calls when one of them had fallen or my dad's catheter had come out.

I am an only child but would have loved some one to help ease the load. Your sister, I think, needs reminding of her responsibility.

gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 11:21:23

I just said that exact thing to my DH on the phone lucky I’ve done this for years and years and can count the times on one hand she has ever offered to help. My sister is very selfish with her time and tends to do exactly what she wants to do when she wants to do it. After all I don’t have a social life so why should I spoil hers? I am probably being bitchy now but wonder just who is paying for this lunch out? My sister is always broke and her partner is very tight fisted so I suspect it will, be my dad.

gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 11:23:56

The thing is dragonfly I have looked after my dad, my late mum and grandma, which was almost a full time job, since I can remember and it’s just assumed that I will do it. I am now starting to feel quite bitter which is nasty I know.

Minniemoo Tue 13-Aug-19 11:24:46

Carry on ranting, gillybob!

Been in a similar position with my sister and it's infuriating!

annep1 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:30:22

Gillybob as someone on GN said to me its time to speak up. You shouldn't have to though. I dont understand your sister letting you cope with so much alone. Time to sort out an equal schedule. I don't know how you manage. Not much time/energy left for a social life..

cornergran Tue 13-Aug-19 11:33:49

Of course you aren't being unreasonable gilly. In fact you have been more than reasonable. Is some straight talking with your sister and gently with your dad called for or would it fall on deaf ears? It sounds vital now that you are clear and firm about what is possible for you, but of course that takes energy. What's the saying? Always ask a busy person? Time to be too busy sometimes if you can bear to.

We fell into a pattern of having my parents to Sunday lunch, then my Dad alone after my Mum died. We discovered once a pattern was set it was almost impossible to change it, the expectation had been set in concrete. I vowed I'd never do that to our children. So far we've managed not to, having said that their chaotic lives don't actually allow for patterns!

You have such a busy life, I'm in awe of your capability. Having spent the day yesterday with one grandchild and two of us I know I'd never manage four at once. You're an absolute star.

Septimia Tue 13-Aug-19 11:35:20

Been in a similar position with BiL - he lived nearer FiL than us but seldom even visited. It is infuriating.

GrannySomerset Tue 13-Aug-19 11:36:09

Your dad likes to shop twice a week but it can’t be necessary. Time to do one big shop a week only? What will happen if you are ill? A bit of future proofing might be wise, for your sake.

Nonnie Tue 13-Aug-19 11:40:22

At first I thought it was going to be about stuck in his ways and wanting to do the shopping on the same day. How wrong I was! Perhaps when sister gets back you could have a chat with her about sharing the tasks more? I know its hard when we have allowed ourselves to become the doer.

Witzend Tue 13-Aug-19 11:54:41

Time to put your foot down - hard! - and tell your dad and sister that in future it's a once a week shop only - or else the 2nd will be done by your sister.
If they make a fuss, let them. Say it's non-negotiable.

One thing I've learnt in this life is that if you make yourself into a doormat - however kindly and helpfully - people will wipe their feet on you.

leyla Tue 13-Aug-19 12:01:21

I agree - time for one shop a week, and explain that this event is what has led you to make that decision. Tell both DF and Sister that it is time for Sister to take on her share.
Tell Dad that you will pop over for a coffee or that you can go out for lunch but that you will not go to the shop!

EllanVannin Tue 13-Aug-19 12:23:53

How about a tattoo on your forehead-----MUG !
You've got it tough,gillybob and I know how difficult it is to refuse everyone but you really need some time out before you meet yourself coming back.

It's as you get older that you'll feel the effects of having worked hard and the way you've scurried around and it will take ages before you'll feel anything like " human ". I know because I've done it myself in the past and wore myself out.

You're a willing horse and unfortunately you'll be put on. xx

eazybee Tue 13-Aug-19 12:29:27

I hope I don't offend you, but I have noticed that you cheerfully do an awful lot for your family, as well as helping out financially; do they appreciate it?

Why does your father need to be taken shopping twice a week as he lives on his own; surely one shopping expedition most weeks should suffice? Your sister's attitude is not unusual, I gather, (no siblings) but dig your heels now, while you are angry, and insist that she takes more responsibility.

You should start asserting your needs; I was very surprised on another post when you mentioned that you had no female friends, as you are always the first with kind words and practical advice on here. Coping with four grandchildren at least two days a week is hard work and very time-consuming, even though I am sure it gives you, and them, pleasure most of the time; you also recently devoted precious spare time to creating a new garden for one adult child.
I really hope you take a much needed break, and start devoting some of your limited time, to you.

Callistemon Tue 13-Aug-19 13:05:33

EV My friend used to say that: "have I got MUG written across my forehead?"
Her mother and sister took her for granted and sadly, she died before her mother, far too young.

You sound so kind, gillybob but you need to be kind to yourself too and assert yourself but nicely before you blow your top!


BlueBelle Tue 13-Aug-19 13:18:36

I once had a moan about being an only child and it all falling on my shoulders but was reminded That however many siblings there are it always always seems to be one it all falls on
I can well understand your annoyance and frustration How about started to make some demands on the others

sodapop Tue 13-Aug-19 13:24:55

Gillybob time to take a stand with your family. They are all expecting a lot of you and you are letting them do it. Decide what you can comfortably fit in to your time including your own leisure. Then sit down with your family and negotiate. Your time is just as important as everyone else's.

maddyone Tue 13-Aug-19 13:25:02

My sister does sweet nothing as well. My mum moved 250 miles to live in a sheltered apartment near to my house because my sister wouldn’t even get on a bus/train to go and visit her, she lived 20 miles from mum and doesn’t drive but refused to use public transport. When mum was moving, my sister refused to visit or help out with packing, she did absolutely sweet nothing. We arranged everything, soliciters, moving company, everything, including driving up country to collect mum and bring her down. DH then drove back up country a couple of days later to finalise completion and help removal company to ensure all went well. Now I take her shopping, take her to all her medical appointments, take her out, bring her to our house for visits and meals. My sister? She has visited twice in the last year and a half, and expects to go out for meals and socialising. Mum pays. Mum also pays for her accommodation in the visitors room in the sheltered apartment.

maddyone Tue 13-Aug-19 13:26:58

Incidentally my sister did nothing to help when my dad was dying, but that’s another story.
Gillybob, your sister sounds just as selfish as mine.

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 13:45:33

Rant away gillybob, better on here than in rl! It may give you the opportunity to plan your next conversation with sister and dad!
Do try to point out to him how nice it would be for him to see more of your sister...perhaps once a week to go shopping together??
BTW I could be mistaken but was it you who took her father to the bank to get money for said sister, and father Mistakenly thought it was for you?
Anyway, you’ve done above and beyond what’s required well done!

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 13:46:40

Sorry everyone, I forgot about paragraphs!sad

Jacks1 Tue 13-Aug-19 13:46:59

Do feel for you and understand your rant. Your time is important too and to feel unappreciated is not very nice. I'm a full time working granny too and look after grandkids regularly. Havent got my parents as they have passed now.