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To be fuming ?

(153 Posts)
gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 11:02:34


I take my elderly father shopping twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays as well as seeing to his other appointments etc. He is a creature of habit and for some reason once a week isn’t enough. I have done this for years. On top of this I look after my 4 DGC 2 days a week (including an overnight) which is fine when they are at school as I do the school runs and take my dad shopping with the baby in tow. The other 3-4 days of the week I am at work 9-5.

Today and tomorrow I have the 4 DGC on my own. I texted my father this morning to remind him that I wouldn’t be able to take him shopping as normal as I can’t fit everyone in the car and the older DGC wouldn’t want to trail around a supermarket today anyway. I told him I will try and take him tomorrow when DH gets back (he’s working away for a few days) .

The text I got back from my dad was..... oh I have had an invite out to lunch from your sister and her partner anyway so wouldn’t want to go shopping . Really? Oh yes they’re both on holiday this week. Well can you get them to take you for some shopping then?

Five minutes later a telephone call from my sister saying “we are taking dad out to lunch but won’t have time to take him shopping as we’re heading away for a few days later today”

So for once in a bloody blue moon she could have taken OUR dad for some shopping but no, her time is precious . Mine is obviously worthless and I am fuming.

Sorry about the rant.

Oldwoman70 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:01:04

As others have said - rant away! Your sister is taking advantage of your kind nature. Is it possible your father says he needs to go shopping twice a week because he sees it as an excuse to get out of the house.

It is difficult to say no to a parent but perhaps a quiet chat over a cup of tea explaining your other commitments may make him more accepting of only one shopping trip a week (or suggest he ask your sister to take him)

Keeper1 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:02:28

Gosh Gillybob when do you have time for yourself. You sound so kind and giving and someone said that you do not have any friends, Well it is hard to meet people as we get older but you have to devote some time to yourself So that you can meet people. As others have already said perhaps you should speak to your sister to share the responsibility after all he is her father too.

Wheniwasyourage Tue 13-Aug-19 14:03:58

Oh dear, gillybob, of course YANBU!


mumofmadboys Tue 13-Aug-19 14:07:03

I would let a week past. Then when you are calm say to your dad that taking him shopping once a week is all you can manage but you could pop in for a restful cuppa another time. Then ask your sister if once a month she could do the shopping trip to give you a break. Tell them both you have been feeling tired and washed out recently and you know you need to decrease the things you do to preserve your wellbeing. Smile sweetly and keep calm! I hope you get some time to take it easy.

KatyK Tue 13-Aug-19 14:16:55

gilly You are, and I would imagine always have been, a willing horse with a kind nature. Unfortunately people take advantage of willing horses.

petra Tue 13-Aug-19 14:28:32

If it was me there would be no 'chats' or ' conversations'
There would just be a text to say sorry,dad, can't make the shopping this week
No explanations. No need to.
The onus is then on him to make alternative arrangements.

GrannyGravy13 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:52:14

gillybob, you can only do so much, rant was appropriate ?

ginny Tue 13-Aug-19 15:15:39

You are not being unreasonable.

You sound to be such a kind person. However, the only person who can do anything about your situation is you.

mcem Tue 13-Aug-19 16:03:24

Overstretching yourself and feeling stressed is not a good way to go. Maybe this well-justified rant is just what you need to stop and reassess.
Remember the advice that you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 16:19:55

Well first of all ... sorry for the rant and thank you to everyone for kind and understanding responses .

It’s true eazybee I don’t have any real life friends at all . My own fault I suppose.

I have always been the do-er in the family so this is nothing new really . I think I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself .

Yes Namsnanny you are correct in saying it was me who had to “borrow” money from my dad for my sister ( to get her out of a tight mess) . He ended up making it a gift to her but it was me who got the “telling off” as though he was giving it to me !

To those who have asked why he needs shopping twice a week . Good question . I don’t know ? I tell him every week to make sure he has got enough in to last . I even plan his meals with him. He just texts or rings me the following Friday /Tuesday first thing and reminds me he needs fresh shopping . What can I say ? He has got a social life ( unlike me) and sees friends at least 3 times a week so he’s not lonely .

It’s silly how little things break the camels back isn’t it?

Thank you all again for listening . We are all just sitting drying out, after we got soaked in yet another downpour .

I don’t know what I would do without Gransnet x

Gonegirl Tue 13-Aug-19 16:25:02

Well, tbh, if she is going away later on today perhaps she really won't have time to take him shopping. I think your dad could have put it much more nicely when he answered your message.

You do do a lot. It can't be easy for you. Sorry you are feeling so bad. x

Gonegirl Tue 13-Aug-19 16:25:58

I thin k you need to suggest your sister takes a turn with the shopping trips. You have to speak up for yourself.

gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 16:39:48

Yes Gonegirl you are right, she may not have had time later today . But what about every other day ? This morning ? Yesterday? .

I don’t begrudge her some time away and maybe I am being unreasonable after all . My dad wouldn’t think that I might be upset/ cross ( he doesn’t do feelings) and would just enjoy his lunch out . smile

Day6 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:41:53

You are not being unreasonable gilly. You sister is being thoughtless, as is your Dad who could have texted your sister to see if she could take him shopping.

Your post struck a chord with me because when my elderly Mum was alive, all the work, caring, outings, fixing things, Drs appointments, shopping, company etc, etc was down to me as my siblings lived further away. I was the only one with no husband (divorced) a full time job, young children and a life full of worry. Looking after my Mum was a labour of love, because she was lovely and appreciative of my help (and apologetic too because she felt she was a burden - she wasn't) but my brother and sisters let me get on with it. They thought they were doing me a favour if they came home at the weekends to see Mum for a cup of tea. They really thought that was sharing the load! I used to fume too.

It seems the more you do, the more you are expected to do gilly. It is good that you are capable but you could do with a break too. Some people have a thick skin and no empathy or conscience it seems.

Summerlove Tue 13-Aug-19 16:50:30

This is exactly the time to rant “irl” at your family.

You need to set firm boundaries with them.

They will run you ragged until you have nothing left to give, then move to the next willing person. Let that process start now. You can’t be the only person in your family who does not get to enjoy your life.

When would you have time for friends if you had them? It’s not hard to see why they fell by the wayside

What would you advise your daughter/granddaughter in this situation if they were being so badly taken advantage of?

Nannarose Tue 13-Aug-19 16:54:30

Just sending sympathy. Sometimes it can be harder to try to break a habit than to go along with it. Also I guess that you want to spend precious time with your GCs?
It's just the lack of appreciation!

When life got bit difficult for my elderly parents,about 20 years ago, I cut my work hours (and therefore pension contributions) so I could help out a bit - not physical caring, but just checking in, sorting stuff out and taking them shopping. I didn't expect my siblings to help, for lots of practical & financial reasons. That was all done & over 10+ years ago.
However, recently, during a completely different discussion, my BiL said 'it would have been nice to drop working hours before retirement like Rose did, but we can't afford it'. I said 'I didn't do it for fun, I did it because parents needed me' and he scoffed.
Suddenly, I felt all the resentment that had never been there during those years - just because he hadn't appreciated it!

gillybob Tue 13-Aug-19 16:55:26

When would you have time for friends if you had them? It’s not hard to see why they fell by the wayside

You are right Summerlove I wouldn’t have time anyway grin

My DD knows the situation full well and knows I would never want this for her, not ever !

midgey Tue 13-Aug-19 16:59:45

gillybob these are for you! flowers

dragonfly46 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:07:30

No no no Gilly you are not being unreasonable, nor are you are nasty person for feeling bitter.

You are probably one of the kindest people I have come across. You are there for everyone despite doing a job you hate.

I don't know how hard it is talking to siblings but I know how hard it is to say no to parents. They can be so unreasonable. I am not sure what I can suggest to help but hope it helped a little to offload on here.

I do envy your closeness to your children and grandchildren though.

Brunette10 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:12:06

Gillybob - I hope you have calmed a little. It is so unfair you have all the responsibility for your dad, I think perhaps a little talk with your DS may help, I certainly hope so. You will run yourself ragged I'm afraid and be no use to anyone, that's not a life! Rant away whenever if it makes you feel better. Wishing you well, I hope you get it sorted very soon - flowers

annep1 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:15:24

Gillybob after reading all the comments it seems to me you care more about everyone else than yourself. Your needs/ wants are just as valid as theirs.
Secondly you are too kind (soft) which allows others to put upon you. (Already you are backing down on criticising sister).
Time for some hard thinking.
You can be kind without being a doormat. You will get more respect.

GillT57 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:35:51

Rant away, that's what we are here for! I would suggest you wait to tackle your sister because if you are anything like me, you will get all emotional. Stay calm, keep your powder dry and then tell, not suggest to, your sister that she is taking your father shopping every other week. By the way, is this holidaying sister the same sister who got you to borrow money from your father because she was broke? Hmmm.

FarNorth Tue 13-Aug-19 17:36:02

Gillybob, tell dad you can't continue taking him shopping twice a week. You can visit him on one of the days, if he likes.
If he insists he needs two shopping trips, suggest he asks Sis to do one of them.
If he texts on a 'wrong' day, reply reminding him you can't do it.

Continuing as you have been doing means they will continue to expect it.
You need to tell them what's changing and stick to it.

Glammy57 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:37:49

gillybob. ?☕️

petra Tue 13-Aug-19 17:53:08

Your still doing it and maybe I am being unreasonable
'Some' of your family are being thoughtless/ uncaring/ selfish and your still putting yourself in the wrong: I could shake you ( but in the nicest possible way) ?