To be fuming ?

Gillybob, just caught up with this thread, and everybody has said all that needed to be said, so I can't add anything new, except you are one wonderful mum, wife, grandma, and friend to all of us here on GN.
Chin up, gird your loins and tell it like it is to your selfish sister.
and yet more

Take your Father shopping once a week.
For the second lot of groceries Father could tell you what he needs and you buy it at your own convenience. Drop it off and have a cup of tea and a chat.
As for your sister I doubt she'll be of help with shopping.

So, to recap , you are doing several jobs which would incur salaries at a basic rate of about £ 10.00 an hour?

Must add up to a small fortune??????

Gilly up until very recently, I was also part of the sandwich generation trying to spread myself between parent/in law and DC and DGC , it was bloody hard work and relentless!

If you wear yourself out and become ill everyone will have to manage, so time for the worm to turn.

A straight talk with your sister.
And a compromise of only one shopping day with your father.
After all he was quite happy to for go it for lunch with your sister.

Is it possible that shopping trips are really just outings and is not because he needs shopping twice a week?

Gilly you have been given some great advice here already...so what are YOU going to do to change things?

First of all tackle dad....."No dad I am going shopping once a week end of"

Then sister.... "I am going shopping for dad once a week, can you help out the other day"

Then Children " I can do x,y,z but am busy x,y,z.

Unless YOU do something about it, things will never change.
Be kind, but assertive. YOU have a life to lead as well and everyone should not be looking at you to solve ALL their problems. As said though...it has to come from you to stop it all.

My elderly father came to live with me two and a half years ago. One brother takes him shopping once a week but the other one, who lives 13 miles away only comes to see him three times a year, birthday, Father’s Day and around Christmas Day. I feel bitter because I have been almost entirely responsible for both parents towards the end of their lives and to compound the issue they were both very selfish people and rubbish parents. Everyone knows that I am feeling very negative about him being here except for my dad and brothers!

Don't get me started on this one ! I really feel for you, x x

You sound like a wonderful and kind person but you need to put your foot down with Dad, sister and kids as your time is becoming their time. I agree with Tedber, you need to be more assertive. That doesn't mean nasty just be firm. Good luck.

You're not the unreasonable one!. You are being taken for granted. Put your foot down, - in a kindly way, -but be firm.

GO ON STRIKE! Totally unfair that you are bearing all this weight. Grandchildren are exhausting - two days a week plus a night, you are a saint!

It’s definitely time to take your power back, or find it for the first time. The current situation is a well worn groove but you can step out of it. I think to change patterns takes persistence and courage as the other people involved will want to keep you exactly in your current position as it suits them all very well. I think making a specific time and saying I need to talk to you about this as opposed to just dropping it into the conversation works well. It let’s others know you are serious.
You are entitled to a life and freedom. It sounds like you take on whatever is asked of you. The word ‘no’ is a good one! It can be said firmly and kindly. Breaking unhelpful patterns takes a few attempts usually. Stand strong and just keep saying to yourself I deserve space and time for me. Get your alies to support you and back you up. Good luck.

I would be fuming, I know if that was me.
Also I would be extremely upset to think that I was being taken for granted. And you are being taken for granted.

If I was you, I would get in touch with sister and explain your position. She may not realise how busy you are. If need be, sound desperate. She really does need to know how things are.

You have so much on your plate. In every family there seems to be one that does it all. You're that person. Maybe it's time to have a chat with your sister. Lay it on a bit, saying you are so stressed and can't cope with all you have to do. She must step up and help you out a bit.

I feel for you, my dad is now in a home and I get all the abuse, complaints from him, moans, abusive and demanding phone calls yet when my siblings call or visit they find him in great form. He is full of chat about them coming and what they did. I remember my mother finding the same thing when she looked after my grandpa. Very difficult. Xxx

Yep, can understand why you're fuming!
Your sister could very well have said that she'd take him shopping BEFORE taking him for lunch, even if it wasn't for all of the things he'd normally get.
I had a similar thing - i used to do some shopping for an aunt - one week I couldn't because I had had to work on what usually would have been my day off, so rushed around in my lunch hour getting a few things for her to keep going through the next week. Dropped them off on my way home. Just finishing cooking my dinner (late because I'd stopped off) and the phone rang - SiL - to tell me that she'd called in to see the aunt and was told I was at work so no biscuits SiL didn't think to go to the shops because she thought I'd be upset if she did !!! Yes and she didn't seem to understand when I got cross when I pointed out that I only had 1 day off that week and she was on school holidays!

Of course you’re fuming.
So would I be!
But what can you do?
Maybe tell your sister how you feel in the gentlest way, but she is likely to take offence. So is it worth it? I’ve been there and got that t-shirt. Telling my sister how I felt only resulted in defensive actions, making the whole situation worse. Though to be honest, I think I was more aggressive than gentle because you just get so frustrated ?

Yes time to make a rota.and when shes back tell her your having a holiday too and then book one.and make sure your GC parents know too- you& your hubby deserve a break! Is there no one else can do childcare for them? Other parents seem to have nurseries,child minders,after school clubs,etc set up if they are working parents? You need to stop everyone taking advantage of you.and help your dad do shopping online to be delivered.its a godsend it really is.or organise him meals on wheels etc.(and AGE UK do a stellar job providing people to 'help' with cleaning or taking them shopping etc for a few pounds an hr if it can be afforded.)(your sister cant be so broke if she can afford to 'go away' can she?) Theres even hospital transport volunteers can come collect him for appts and bring him home again if hes able to go alone to these.(or other arrangements for kids& shopping would free you up for just his hospital runs.you need it sorting now as otherwise you'l run yourself into the ground& then whose going to do it all then?They would have to make other arrangements,so let them do it now!

I've heard similar sibling stories from others - and raged on their behalf too. You have a right to be very hacked off, but sadly none of them will change IMO. You're a lovely daughter and grannie though ⚘⚘⚘

I used to be in the same position as you. I don't know how I did it.
My parents are now dead. I became more in demand for babysitting and child minding.
I was diagnosed with a permanent illness. The DC could not be bothered to accompany me to certain appointments.
I then noticed that when the DGC were dropped off or picked up the DC were in such a tearing rush that I was hardly able to have any conversation with them.
I dont have any local friends and a few others have died. I am alone a lot now that I expressed my displeasure with the way I was being treated but it is better than having my own much loved DC abusing my good nature.

Families, so many problems.
I am sorry that you are doing so much for your family, you obviously need some down time.
We have had experience of this type of situation. We always took my mil shopping however she felt guilty as we were both working full-time. She asked her daughter to take her shopping, big mistake. she piled her own shopping in mils trolley, mil paid and sil even charged her £5 to get in the car. Please be careful as if she is not good with money, you could have more problems on your hands letting her take your father shopping.
Is it possible for you/him to do an on-line shop?

It's time you went on an extended holiday and let them all sort themselves out. Do you know anyone in Australia? Would a world cruise be out of the question?

It's my view that far too many GNers
allow relatives and friends to ruin their lives by asking and indeed expecting too much.
GNs do an amazing job of juggling childcare with their often elderly parents needs and wants plus financial help to AC and often the problems associated with separation, no contact and arguments, all the while putting their own health, social life and retirement hopes on a back burner.
That's a heck of a burden, at a time when one hopes to be enjoying a lessening of responsibity and more time to enjoy the fruits of many years of employment and bringing up a family to stand on their own two feet.

If your dad gets out and has a social life is it impossible for him to do some of his own shopping? Just a thought. And is there online shopping serving his area.? I'm horrified how much you do and how little time you have for yourself x

You know what Solzhenitskin (I think) wrote, "The willing workhorse is always asked to take on an extra load but the lazy man is never asked," As true now as when it was first written.

Do you ever manage to get away for a break? Now's the time. Let others pick up the slack - it's about time.

I assume your dad lives alone - why on earth does he need to shop three times a week? From now on it must be cut down to once.

I feel for you gilly you're probably too nice to say no and as a result are being taken advantage of. If you rant in RL you'll then feel guilty but you must put yourself first.