gillybob. dear Gilly, please forgive me for not reading all the thread first as I am pressed for time and also have another bad headache.
When I saw this was you writing with a difficult and very unfair situation I had to read it and I have to respond. You always help all of us with so much kindness:
I am so very sorry that you are so terribly put-upon and taken advantage of by your family. You have every right to fume and feel hurt and upset. I am feeling angry and upset for you. When I was doing Counselling (I am a retired Psychologist) I used to see so many women who were taken for granted and put upon not just by their husbands/partners but by their parents, siblings and children. I had learned a few years before that I too was one of these women. We are prone to depression and burn-out and illnesses such as Fibromyalgia.
I think the people who do take you for granted hardly ever see that they are doing so. I am sorry to say, that without even realising it, they do not respect you. They even feel superior to you. Their needs are important as far as they are concerned. Your needs are irrelevant and not worthy of consideration. They really do see their lives as more important than yours. Sorry.
I might, not from a Counsellor's perspective but from personal experience, try saying that, when your sister returns after their holiday, you could have scheduled her in for alternative weeks of taking Dad shopping, while you take him the other week. Just tell your dad the weeks she is doing it and leave her number with him on the list. After all she can take him out to lunch....
My realisation that I was a "nobody" to my mother and sister came this way (although there had been so many examples before, this was the "final straw".)
I nursed my father when he was dying. My own husband had killed himself (that was the wording on the death certificate) two years before. I had a 17 year old at home with depression and a 9 year old. I drove the hour plus (traffic was terrible) journey each way twice a day, taking and returning his bedding which I washed and dried at home. I used the sheets from my children's beds and gave them cot sheets. I found new sheets on a chair in his room after he died but my mother "did not want them wee'd on by him". I stayed overnight in his room as he was expected to die, and drove back each morning to get my youngest ready for school. Eldest was still at uni.
Eventually I nearly fell asleep leaving the motorway in the early hours of the morning driving home. I told the District Nurse, whom I knew, and she was horrified as she thought my mother, 14 years younger than my father and very fit and well, was taking care of him. She immediately arranged for a nurse to do overnight care. I returned the next day to find that my mother had cancelled the Nurse "because we do do it ourselves!" We! She did nothing. Now this was my wonderful dad for whom I would do anything. But I had two traumatised children at home who were not over their father's suicide. I had to put them first. Would you believe it, I have an older sister, who has two sons much older than my children? She lived about 20 minutes from our parents. Neither of her sons had a job at the time. They were approx 30, sitting at home smoking and drinking. She had a part-time job, but did nothing for dad. She expected little sister, who lived so much further away and had young children one at primary school, who had suffered the death of their father, to leave them and come and nurse our father. Knowing how ill he was and that the Doctor had said he was dying, she went to the USA on holiday. When I mentioned on her return she could help as she had 5 spare days a week and two adult sons with plenty of free time, my mother said angrily, "Oh S. can't be expected to give up her time! She has those two boys to feed and look after as well as a husband!"
That was my turning point. I ended my relationship with my "family" after dad died. I stayed to protect my mother from the thieving brats my sister spawned when our mother developed Alzheimer's but as soon as her funeral was over, because there were legal proceedings against her concerning our mother's money, I asked my Solicitor to write to hers saying I no longer regarded her as a member of my family.
It was a salutary part of my awakening about Narcissists and their victims and and about how we become victims from childhood. This sister is a half sister. She was born before my mother met my father. My mother married him for his house and to make him keep her. She made sure he adopted her first child. Thank God I took after my father. She and my mother gave him a terrible life.
Now is the time Gilly, to act in ways quite foreign to your nature. Now you have to fight for yourself. It won't come naturally, I know. They won't believe you either, so you have to be persistent. Just calmly firmly persistent, repeating (broken record) the same phrases, never answering their questions or arguments just telling them your position. Set your boundaries. You are in this position because you have not done so. I remember discovering "Stephanie Lyn Coaching" on YouTube and suddenly having my eyes opened about setting boundaries and that you do not show people how you want them to treat you if you do not love yourself enough to think you deserve to be treated fairly! I do recommend looking at her talks, especially on Boundaries, on youtube. You have probably grown up being treated abusively by your family, being expected to give-in so they could have their own way, being the one to organise their lives so they can have a good time, and never realising that you deserve to have a good life too. You have at last seen how mercilessly they regard your life as unimportant. To them you are the drudge to fill in for them on the dull jobs, taking on the burdensome jobs they don't want to do. Your life is not of any consequence to them.
From now on simply dictate your term. Set your boundaries. Decide how you deserve to be treated. Don't let them overstep those boundaries. Give them your instructions regarding what you are undertaking in respect of caring for your dad. Do not discuss it. Write it down and add your sister in with an equal half of the responsibilities. Tell them firmly and calmly and do not discuss it. Do not be dragged into a question and answer session about why you have decided to do this, why you have "suddenly changed" etc. As they ask any questions of this nature just repeat the terms of your arrangement. "Family responsibilities are divided equally thus...."
Now take your own very much deserved holiday dear Gilly. You really have earned it. God bless you and good luck and remain calm and sure and confident and don't let them treat you like this any more!
With love and best wishes Elle ???
