To be fuming ?

Knowing how much you do for your family, the work you do, the things you've been through and the dreadful burden to both you and your husband your business is to add this on top is the final straw - fuming is an understatement! I doubt you'll be able to say no to any of the things you're asked/expected to do but maybe the online shopping could be a start. Instead of taking him go round when it's due to be delivered and help him put it away with the children in tow. If you can break the habit of twice weekly trips to the shops it might just ease the way to one less commitment.

Having cared for both my parents whilst working I know how you end up taking more and more on - I was lucky in that they lived a few doors away and I worked from home but it was exhausting enough. I really don't know how you do what you do.

I did share the care and shopping of my mum , with my sister. She did more as I was still working and my sister never did have a job outside the home and kids. She lived 5 miles from mum and drives , and I lived 50 miles away , didn’t drive and have an invalid husband for the past 23 years. I did what I could though! Our two brothers did nothing!! Now mum is no longer with us and I look after two grandkids twice a week, before and after school! If I thought for one moment that my daughter took me for a mug I would walk away from it all. But she appreciates every little and big thing I do for her...... we do not ‘gush’ over each other or are very ‘kissy as a family, but we all appreciate what any one of us can ‘bring to the party ‘ ..as it were. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but meanness ...self centredness...and disregard for each other’s feelings , don’t come into it. You need to extricate yourself from a lot of your commitments...and give yourself time to mend your mind and body.

Dear gillybob
I can't get you out of my mind. I have re-read the thread.
I need to lie down but before I go, please let me say this. I am rather scared to say it so I need to do it while I have the courage.

As I read all this thread, I kept seeing you. You looked exactly like the wonderful lady we all had at my Church (Salvation Army). She was slim, lovely to look at but above all she did everything she could possibly do in every possible way in our Church. She was kindness itself. Her husband was just retired so she retired from her work but was not quite retirement age. The Salvation Army has so many different clubs, groups, posts, outreaches... and she was involved in them all. We also helped the Police with the rescuing of girls being trafficked into the sex slave trade. She was trained to go and help rescue these girls too. She was so perfect, you'd think we'd hate her! But she had no enemies, everybody loved her. She knew exactly what to say when someone was ill, bereaved or getting married! She never missed a service she was never ill.

Suddenly one day she collapsed with a heart attack! She died. Just like that. No warning.

We became acutely aware of all the things she did because there was a huge gap in our church. Some people did not even know she did other things. She covered so much that we would sit and wait and then realise that it was another thing she had been in charge of.

She was not yet retirement age. She had several grandchildren, one with disabilities whom she helped so much.

We had to carry on. We had to realise that nobody is indispensable. People are taken for granted, not indispensable.

The bossy bit:
Stop, Gilly! Stop doing all this now! Plan your retirement and start living your life. Never lie on behalf of your spineless sister again, please.
Please Gilly. We want you here in your 80s, 90s and to wish you a Happy Hundredth!

Try the Youtube Stephanie Lyn Boundaries talks, perhaps, and learn what it really means to have boundaries. It starts with valuing yourself. You can't teach others to treat you with respect and fairness if you do not respect and are not fair to yourself. I had to learn this. Please do it. As you age you will be forced to learn it. Don't let a health scare force you into making these essential changes for yourself. Don't be in a hospital bed thinking you can't do all this running about any more. Worse of all, please don't be like the wonderful lady at my Church.

With very much love, please value yourself, from Elle x
? ??‍♂️? ? ?? ????‍♀️

Tillybelle is right.

Hi Gillybob
You are a wonderful grandmother and daughter. Now is the time to set some boundaries and tell your father you are handing on your shopping commitment to your sister for a while. She won't like it but she'll soon get used to it and I would invite you to leave the arrangements between the two of them too. Bit of a fait accompli but I am not sure what else will work. All the very best with it.

I used to love the Salvation Army , until they told me me son ( gay) wasn't welcome.

I am sorry you have had that experience Lessismore. Jesus welcomes one and all. I hope you can find a church where you both feel welcome, cared for and respected.

Thanks mumof, it sort of broke me.

{{hugs}}

What lovely, caring posts from you all to our (virtual) friend gillybob
Especially yours Tillybelle you have taken such time and kindness to explain your thoughts here.

gilly you are a saint on earth.

You are piggy in the middle between 2 generations with no thought (or time) for yourself.

My lovely mother in law used to say ‘please others and you displease yourself’. How true.

Time to put on your big girl knickers and carve out a little life for YOU.

Good luck, lovely lady.
❤️

I know how you feel. I had 3 older siblings,, 15,14 and 13cyears older than me. They had teenage children when mine weren't even school age. Did they lift a finger to help parents shopping, appointments, you know what's involved, no they didn't. My DH worked shifts so wasn't always around in the daytime and evenings but I work would get the phone call from one of them that a prescription needed collection. Somehow I would manage to collect and deliver. On one occasion after collecting I went to parents house after being to the Drs and chemist only to find no one in. Went home and phoned neither asking if he knew where they were, oh yes, they are here for tea just bring the stuff here!!! Livid doesn't come anywhere near how I felt. So I fully understand how you feel. My escapades were pre mobile phone and prescription colkection/delivery days. I can feel the fury just typing this. RANT all you need to, it's justified.

I have come to the conclusion that most people are too busy or involved in their own affairs to see other people’s perspectives. Unless you speak to your dad and sister you are not fair to them. They can’t read your mind and need to be TOLD.

Once you have set your boundaries and they are being unreasonable your rant and fury is justified.
My mother always played the martyr making everyone feel guilty but turning down help when offered or solution presented. I vowed I would never do guilt trips and be upfront and ask for help.
Gillybob I know you mean well but you must take care of yourself. In these situations I always remind myself and other people that if I was not there life would go on just the same. Billions of people cope without me, I may be a bonus in someone‘s life but not essential.
The only time I felt essential was when my children were young and I was a single mum as they would have ended up in care. Your GC have parents they are not your responsibility and your dad has friends, your sister and if all fails Social Services. You are simply a wonderful addition to their lives.

BTW whilst my last sentence might sound depressing to some, I find it very liberating.

Piggy in the middle rings a bell. One of my sisters moved abroad the other worked full time, I was the only one with children and a stay at home mum so obviously the go to person. I was only forty when my last parent died but I was a wreck healthwise.

Tillybelle, just read your wonderful post to Gillybob.

I know how hard it is to write such a thing. My DB and I were estranged for many years. I wrote from my heart, no thinking about it, just as it came. This year we are reunited!

Lessismore Oh my dear Lessismore! I make absolutely no excuses for them. How Christian is it turn anybody away? Whenever anyone came up with that terrible anti gay prejudice, I would try and stand up and start to quote the parable of the Good Samaritan. There are many other parts of the bible I could quote too. They are cherry picking what to stand against for example. While many of them have a tattoo, ignoring the verses saying that these are not allowed, they condemn same-sex love. They ignore "Judge not" they ignore "do not try to remove the speck in your brother's eye until you have removed the great plank from your own". This goes for other Churches too.

I became too disabled and crippled by pain to get to meetings. A few contacted me. No-one has offered a lift. I began to feel like a loan voice. I often feel I don't belong with any Church. It is difficult. I stay in my close relationship with God and pray that he will help me. Since my dearest elderly friend died, with whom I would visit all the people in Care Homes and unable to leave their own homes, I have not seen anyone from my Salvation Army Corps. They have not tried to visit. I have encountered horrendous problems but I would not turn to them.

I send my love to your son, I have many gay friends. At this time I am isolated and only see a few people. My most loyal friend is a gay man. Be proud of him as I am sure you are!

lone voice!

Auntieflo. Thank you so much! God bless you! I am so happy to hear of the wonderful news about you and your brother. Well done you!

mumofmadboys

So well said! Jesus welcomes one and all

Indeed it is well documented that He made a deliberate point of reaching out to those that were rejected by the general population such as the Tax gatherer and those with Leprosy. Those so-called Christians who judge and reject people have disobeyed Jesus' essential commandment "Love thy neighbour as thyself".

That's why I believe all "Christians" who condemn people in same-sex relationships should re-read Luke 10;29 onwards, starting with "Who is my neighbour?"
To understand and take on board this parable of the Good Samaritan, means that we cannot ever turn anyone away, especially those who come to our Church, for they are our neighbour and Jesus holds them in his heart.

One hymn that makes me cry but keeps me going every day begins;
"O love that will not let me go".

If only all Christians could remember that the people they reject are subject to this Divine Love too.

I really didn't want to prolong this thread any longer (I am really not that important) but felt that I couldn't go without a few answers and words of gratitude for some of the overwhelmingly kind and supportive posts.
.

On line shopping ? A big fat no, no. He likes to read every ingredient, plan his meals as he goes around, check use by dates and generally enjoy the experience.

Sharing the chores ? Again a bit of a no. My S will not be tied to anything. She is a free spirit, no ties and used to doing what she wants when she wants. She thinks that because my DH and I run our own business we are just playing at it and "its not like having a real job".

The money : I asked my dad if he could loan my sister money early this year as she had got herself into a right mess with debts. Because of the way we had to pay it into her account (cash into mine and then transfer to hers because of money laundering rules) I am sure he thinks I benefitted in some way when I absolutely did not. It was he who turned it into a gift .

I know I probably won't ever retire in the true sense of the word as my DH and I have an almost 11 year age gap and no longer have any private pensions. I have another 10 years to go to get my state pension (67.5) when my DH will be 78 !

I am sad that things have turned out the way they have and I am now starting to feel a little bitter. We are a very small family and I am only one person after all. It really is a good job I don't ask for any favours in return because I think I might be very disappointed.

To be fair....this shopping thing was just the straw that broke the camels back and I suppose its a lot more than that really.

There are a million things I would like to add but had better not....I could be here all day.....

I think you have probably assumed that things will not change. I will carry on just as I always have done albeit with a heavy heart. It would be nice to get a thank you once in a while (which makes me sound pathetic) and maybe not to be taken so much for granted. My late grandma always said "they only ever flog the willing horse" and I never really understood it, I do now.

I don't want to thank individuals as it wouldn't be fair on those who I might miss out, I do however want to say that I really don't know where I would be without the kindness of gransnet members who have taken the time to post their thoughts and advice.

You are all truly wonderful x

GILLYBOB - have just read all this thread and - what do I think? You come across as a lovely, lovely person! Hope this cheers you up a bit.

You have been give some good advice by several people.

Gillybob sometimes you just have to put your foot down for your own health. I had same problem with MIL re online shopping she actually wanted me to shop for her everyday. I was a lot younger then and working. I got her shopping down to once a week but it took me longer to get hers than mine.
I just said I will do your shopping online and it will be delivered there's nothing else I can do. I also ordered meals on wheels. She didn't like it but there is only so many ways you can be stretched. You have to tell your dad that tines change and he now has to think differently about how he shops and he has to change too if he wants shopping or tell him to ask your sister.
You must be exhausted looking after DGC never mind running after your dad who actually has a social life. The more you do the more you will be asked to do and only you have the power to change it. As I often see on Mumsnet, the word "No" is a complete sentence.

Gillybob,

You asked: "Why does my father want to go shopping twice a week? I don't know!"

It is because when he calls you, you answer and do what he wants.

No online shopping because he likes reading the labels and plan on the fly? That is not your problem, it is his.
He can easily buy the brands online that he buys in the store in person when he goes with you.
He chooses not to do that. Again, it is not your problem.
Has he ever said thank you for taking him shopping?

You must set personal boundaries to be able to enjoy your life. Doormat is a perfect definition of your current situation and only you can change if you want.

The older he gets, the more demanding he is going to get and the more "help" (real help or imaginary)

As for your sister not wanting to help more?
It could be she is selfish, she doesn't have the time, she might not want to get involved in becoming a chore for her, etc. Who knows?
It is not going to help your lack of personal boundaries and your inability to say no.

You can do it! Start saying no to a very small request. Take some time to read a book, tv, crochet, knit, whatever you like.
The more you say no, the easier it becomes.

Very easy to say.....less easy to do....if your Father has capacity, he is making a choice to read labels and plan meals. He does, of course have this right. Perhaps a local taxi firm could take him and return him home.

My best friend was like you Gillybob.
She got no thanks. But she just couldn't change. No matter what advice she was given.
I hope you don't make the same mistake.
We only get one chance at life. You are sacrificing yours.