Gransnet forums


Feeling hurt and confused

(93 Posts)
Deepblue Sat 28-Sep-19 16:00:36

I have one son who I’m quite close to, although we don’t live in each other’s pockets. He’s now forty and has been with his partner of the same age for about 14 years.

They both have very high flying jobs but no children.

His partner has always been a bit odd to be honest. They had a lovely little rescue dog who sadly had to be put to sleep a couple of months ago and before the dog died, she frequently said, ‘when anything happens to ‘dog’s name’, I’m off.’ I asked my son what she meant by that, as it seemed quite a nasty thing to say and he just said, ‘oh ignore her, she’s always saying that,’

Anyway, this year, I’ve increasingly noticed she’s has been more and more unpleasant towards me - although not really when my son is there.

I lost one of my dogs, a lovely retriever, just before Christmas through a tragic accident. He choked to death on a tennis ball that wedged in his throat. We’ve had retrievers for many years and my lovely husband, knowing how traumatised and upset I was, bought me a beautiful retriever puppy for Christmas.

Son’s partner visited on Boxing Day and lectured me on how wrong we are to buy pedigree pups and not to have rescue dogs - despite the fact that we’ve also had a number of rescues over the years.

She got a really important appointment in her job and when I congratulated her, she said ‘oh I’ve had enough arse licking lately.’

If I phone her, which is very rarely and only if there is a reason, she doesn’t answer my calls. If I text her, she doesn’t reply.

After their little dog died, I was very upset for them because I know how much they loved her and how heartbroken they are. As they’re both forty this year, I paid to have an oil painting of their dog done for their joint birthday, which they both said they were pleased with.

Then, and I admit stupidly, I posted some words about losing a dog on her Facebook page. It was a little poem that a friend sent to me which I just thought might comfort her a bit. Then my son phoned me to tell me that I’d really upset her and I shouldn’t have put it on her Facebook page, I apologised profusely. I tried to ring her but no answer so I texted her to say I was really sorry and never meant to hurt or upset her. She never replied.

Now I’ve noticed she’s blocked me on Facebook which, of course, is entirely up to her but why couldn’t she speak to me? If she said she’d be happier not having me on her friends list, I’d have been hurt but I’d have taken it on the chin.

To make matters worse, we’ve organised a family dinner for both of them with my husband, stepsons and their families in a month’s time and now I’m left wondering if she’s even going to come. The dinner was her idea by the way.

Over the years, we’ve occasionally arranged to meet them for a meal and then my son has arrived on his own saying she’s too busy to come.

I can’t tell my husband all this because he already thinks she’s difficult and also he hates Facebook with a vengeance and is always telling me to keep off it. With hindsight he’s probably right.

I just feel so miserable about all this. I don’t expect her to be my best friend but just to rub along on the odd times when we’re together.

What do people think?

Milo27 Sun 29-Sep-19 20:50:47

Don't waste anymore time on her. You have done nothing wrong so don't apologise. It is your Son's choice but it doesn't have to be yours. Be overly polite and considerate when your Son is there, she will soon get the message x
Take care x

Booksnbeer Sun 29-Sep-19 23:55:26

I completely agree with Stella1949. This young woman is difficult to say the least, and I seem surprised your son stays interested in her as he seems very nice and was raised kindly. I have had issues like this with my 45 year old daughter - nothing I say is right as she knows everything. She blames me for a sorry childhood although her two siblings can’t figure that one out either. Like Stella said, per family matters just talk to your son and leave her out of it. It won’t matter if she ever shows up for anything as she is so unpleasant. However do NOT make any unkind remarks to your son about her! Just don’t tolerate her poor behavior and know you did nothing wrong. Maybe a slip of judgement on Facebook but not enough for her to treat you like you slapped her publicly. Peace my friend - do not be upset. It’s all on her.

Namsnanny Mon 30-Sep-19 01:03:38

GillT57flowers A very good post!

Deepblue… From what you have said, I should think the only reason you've kept on speaking terms for the 14years you son and her have been together, is because you and your son are lovely people, and have done all you can to keep things on an even keel.
FB what don't beat yourself up about it.
Keep on being yourself.

Wish I was sharing a glass with you wink.

Summerlove Mon 30-Sep-19 02:57:51

deepblue, GillT57, I know, it was made by whywhywhy. I’ve read the full thread, and made no mention that deepblue said it.

I’m sorry if you’ve misread.

I stand by that it was a discusting comment, even if it was made as an attempt to “support” deepblue

Bugbabe2019 Mon 30-Sep-19 05:53:52

You e tried your best, she sounds like a pain in the backside. I’d give up now. It’s glaringly obvious she doesn’t want a relationship with you. Some people are just dificult

Bugbabe2019 Mon 30-Sep-19 06:06:06

What a sweeping statement ?
I have a great relationship with my DIL, we are very close and probably message and chat to each other most days

moonbeames Mon 30-Sep-19 06:17:41

I think she has some issues as well. Just back off from her, communicate well with your son and just be pleasant with her bordering on ignoring her. And then you will get on fine. I don't things are good between those two anyway. You may not have to put up with her much longer. cheers.

Vivian123 Mon 30-Sep-19 19:45:01

I don't have any answers to your problem, but it seems others have given some good advice. Facebook seems to be a problem for many. A young friend took a job in Indonesia, saving turtles. She told me that I could follow her and what was happening, with the turtles, on Facebook. I joined Facebook and was able to follow her work, which was very interesting. Suddenly, I found that I had about 100 Indonesian friends that I had never heard of, before. The same happened when my son had a Mexican girlfriend. Lots of Mexicans that I didn't know. I tried to cancel my Facebook account, but it appears that this is impossible. I quite often try to enter a competition, which takes me to Facebook and there it is 'Please sign in'. Seems that, once they have got you, they have got you for life. I keep well away from it. If anyone wants to tell me what they had for dinner, they can email me or even phone me. Much nicer. Rant over and, most probably, should not have put it on this thread. Sorry!

Summerlove Mon 30-Sep-19 19:53:47

vivian, You must have excepted all of those friend requests. You can now remove them. Just go to their page Tap the friend icon, and hit remove friend.

Vivian123 Mon 30-Sep-19 20:26:25

Thanks Summerlove.

I really don't want to sign into the dreadful thing. If Facebook knows I am still around, I expect to be overwhelmed with messages from them. Do you know how to extricate oneself from them completely, so there is no trace of me in their records?

Summerlove Mon 30-Sep-19 21:37:43

I believe there is a way to deactivate your account, but I am not sure about full deletion

Summerlove Mon 30-Sep-19 21:38:26

This says you can delete it, but you will need to sign in first

gt66 Tue 01-Oct-19 11:33:55

Deepblue just adding my twopenneth worth and agreeing with most posters. Stop trying to be friends with her, as all you are doing is giving her the ammunition to belittle you. I've no idea why she feels the need to do it, but clearly even the most innocent of things gives her an opportunity to take umbrage over. Some people are just like that. She clearly doesn't respect you, so withdraw; stay friendly, but aloof for your own self respect. I had a similar problem (not as bad) with one of my sons previous girlfriends (my son is also kind and caring). I believe she saw me as a threat, although I was friendly and welcoming from the start. She treated my son very badly at times, but probably recognised I was a harder target.

Finally, I'm so sorry to hear about your dog; absolutely heartbreaking for that to happen (did Son's partner ever commiserate)?

Vivian123 Wed 02-Oct-19 15:45:16

Thanks Summerlove. A useful video and I shall be deleting.

Hithere Wed 02-Oct-19 21:52:05

Fb is called the devil for a reason.

I am very sorry about the death of your dog. When her dog died, you said yourself you were very upset.
Could it be that she had enough handling her own grief and didn't want to worry about yours? It is almost like you were still grieving your dog through the death of her dog

If you have not managed to have a decent relationship in 14 years, it probably won't happen now. Stop trying, should have stopped trying many years ago

Replying to your messages: she may not like the role of social secretary, which is almost always an expectation of the older generation but not followed by the younger generation.

In your latest update, you seem to disapprove and judge her.
Her relationship with her mother and how she manages her mother are none of your business.

You could be perfectly nice people but personality wise, you just don't get along. No big deal. Your son is happy, it is all that counts

bridie54 Wed 02-Oct-19 23:24:52

Oh Deepblue, I feel for you so much as I have a similar DIL. So much of what you said resonated with me. Sadly, my DIL has taken herself and family, my son and 2 GC back to her home in NZ. Just heartbreaking.
So I've taken lots of the advice intended for you. It's nice to be nice …..

Hetty58 Thu 03-Oct-19 08:42:14

Sometimes we just have to accept that somebody else doesn't like us. (There's no reason why they'd get on with in-laws more than anyone else.) Then we remain polite but keep our distance and communicate, only when necessary, through mutual contacts/friends (like your son).

Your son's partner has made it crystal clear that she doesn't want phone calls or texts (by not replying), yet you posted on her Facebook page, very unwisely. No wonder she blocked you.

You say she's 'a bit odd' but your own behaviour seems strange and intrusive to me. She doesn't want to be friends and your comments on their grief (for the dog) were unwelcome - so take the hint!