AIBU

I am surprised at how judgemental many of these messages are, as I often am on this site. If we really "listen" to each other rather than lecture each other we can help. Yes, it probably exhausting to be in the presence of s.o. who is giving their attention relentlessly to the children. And to be honest is something she may pay for in the future. Children also have to learn that other people's chats etc need to be respected. Still it's probably not worth arguing over as mum's do not like advice from their own mums! (I remember being equally stubborn with my mum - and looking back she was right about a lot of stuff!) I can't offer much advice...apart from try to "meditate" your way through it and remind yourself that things change - but I do offer you my understanding. We are not getting younger and we get exhausted much quicker. One idea (if you're up to it) is that you could do some things together - like baking or cooking. Going out to the shops together can be a good one because the kids have the world to engage with and then you can chat. Any way...I do understand.

Join in playing, it's fun even if we're left feeling worn out, it's worth it as is only for a few years. I miss one to one time with my daughter now she's a mum (18 months), as does she, but her little one has been very ill a lot of his little life so he deserves all the attention he asks for, he knows Grandma is good for cuddles and will join in some games and we really enjoy each other's company. My daughter and I make do with late night texts for things we can't discuss in front of him. We have had a couple of evenings together in recent months and they've been lovely, you will start to get some 1:1 again at some stage but your daughter needs to enjoy her children as they're little for such a short time. Sit on the floor and enjoy playing again, even if like me you do need help to get back up afterwards. Your daughter sounds a lovely mum, remember you taught her that skill so be proud of her and of yourself.

If you want a good relationship with DD keep your feelings to yourself .As you say it is different when you are with your GC minus DD. Can you not be content with that?

I've a feeling it is displacemnt activity and has more to do with her not wanting to be in daughter role and chat with you. Hard I know. But it happens. I expect the kids are overwhelmed by her attention ... I remember doing this with my mum because I felt she was being demanding of my attention and I already felt spread too thin. If you want to help devote all your attention to the grand kids. Thats what I wanted..and let her go off and read a book undisturbed.

If you want to have a chat with your DD, surely it would be better for her to leave them with their father for a while!?

I also miss the days of ‘nice little quiet chats’ with my daughter when she comes to visit with our grandchildren - but they are mostly gone for ever......the children fill the space and fill the conversations too and I’m fine with that because they are her world.. Occasionally - very occasionally - she will drop by for a few moments on her own (between dropping the children off at one of their activities and collecting them) and those few minute of conversation over a cup of tea are quite comforting to me .....although I don’t say so to her because I don’t want to play the guilt card and risk being chastised!

I used to have a friend like this when we were younger. My children were older and at school but if she wanted to visit I would always make time( I was self employed so could stop for a couple of hours ) I would look forward to seeing her but sometimes wondered why I bothered as all she did was play with her child and almost completely ignored me !

My DD comes over and NEVER watches her children. She’s always on her phone. I’m exhausted from doing her job and making a meal or serving everyone. Can’t go to a restaurant as she’s on her phone there too.
She’s divorced so no one else to help her. My suggestion is to ask her to lunch with you when there’s a sitter available or a dinner when her husband is home.

Hi I think that the demands for attention from her mum is because she is feeling jealous. Some children are like this and don't want their mum to talk or interact with anyone else. My GD was like this but has grown out of it at 5yrs.

I'm inclined to think it's best not to interfere with how our children bring their own offspring up. I know you're not getting what you hope for from your DD's visit but I think you've just got to let it go. Blink and GGC will be at school and hopefully there'll be time then to enjoy your DD's company.

I think children need to play on their own, directing them all the time stifles their creativity.
I am not saying ignore them but give them the toys and let them get on with it.
When mine were little I would never have got a meal on the table or the washing done if I had played with them.

Sorry...but you’re the one with problem not your daughter ...so just let her get on with it...why not get her to be there at lunch time so they are all ‘forced’ to sit down at table/high-chair, and you and your daughter can have a nice chat. If you haven’t got a high-chair I would suggest scouring the charity shops if new is out if your range. I’ve just given my high-chair and travel cot away to one of these outlets and believe me I wouldn’t ,if it hadn’t been spotless. With a high chair at table and plenty of banana slices on it...mum has no excuse not to chat...

How do I say this kindly -and no offence is intended- but it is none of your business.
“Gives them far more attention than is needed” -really?
Do you mean gives them more attention than she gives you? Because that is what it sounds like.
If you really want time alone with your DD and most mums do, you will have to arrange something else, but if you look closely at what you are complaining about, you are really talking about the same thing- attention to and from mum to her daughter!

They have to do parenting their way, just as we did it our way.

My mother always set up times for just the two of us without my boys. While it was nice to have a break I always felt strange that she went way overboard in setting up
alone time with the two of us. she also excluded my husband. It sounds awesome but also a bit stifling. she even came before my first son was born-Not to help. but, he came early and she ended up taking me to the hospital! My dad also said I was running around and it was hard to talk. That is what happens when we are parents! Try not to fuss at your daughter.

Yes Elegran- or a much needed trip to the loo!

I think your DD is absolutely right in giving the children the attention that they need and perhaps when they visit you it is a good opportunity for them to have playtime instead of being taken up with chores/cooking etc. Leave them alone. It is not about you.

I see this both ways- ive brought up 7 of my own,so cant have done everything wrong! As a mum though you do try to 'talk' to the kids when young,and sing& play,but maybe it often becomes a 'habit' too,that your daughter keeps up,wether her children want it constantly or not?as they get older they will play together with each other and not demand her to amuse them constantly- she's yet to learn this perhaps?- give her time,she will start to notice this for herself,also though,as a gran,ive noticed that my GC,even the older ones,(21yrs down to just 6) all seem to 'appear' as if by magic from nowhere to clamour for their mums attention when my daughters are on phone to me,( not often) and ask for this or that,and their mums immediately talk to them aside,and its frustrating though,as its surely best to either save the phone call or visit till they can give their full attention.i usually just say after a few minutes,"ill let you go see to them then"& ring off .But its not me being 'jealous' in any way,i agree with Grannydeb,she will probably regret this later,and kids do need to learn these things,my kids grew up with such good manners and people often commented on this.kids these days are far more demanding,and expect to be amused& entertained or constantly interrupt mostly because they're allowed to.I never ignored my children,i read to them,sang & talked to them,taught them to read at 4.but we had boundaries,and grown up time too.my kids respected this,they also had their 'own' time.

I see this from both sides. We forget how truly absorbing those darling little ones are to their parents. So clever, so adorable, so beautiful.
I can remember getting a night out together without the DC and we talked about them all evening!!

I still get irritated when someone (DD or DiL) phones me and the DGC interupt our conversation but are immediately attended to.
"What do you want sweetheart?" " Can't you see I'm talking to grandma?" Wailing in the background.

That stage will pass and you 'll have DD back again. She would still probably prefer to talk about the DGC than whatever you want to say.
You have brought up a wonderful parent. Be proud of yourself.

I tend to agree with you.

Three year olds should be perfectly able to amuse themselves with toys, colouring books etc, at least for a short time whilst you sit and chat with the mother.

Obviously not for hours but surely it's good for children of that age to realise that they are not always the centre of their mother's attention, particularly when there is another adult present ?

Having said that, I agree with others who say it's better not to show your disapproval.

Perhaps you could buy some new toys for when they come to visit, and the child will probably be delighted and only too happy to play while you have tea and a chat.

My DD used to do much the same but it’s calmed down a bit now. I was very happy she was playing with the DGDs and let her get on with it. Yes, I found it irritating when I wanted a chat but they are the most important people in her life, especially when they are little.

Sooner or later the situation will improve as they get older, so bear with it for now.

I think children need to play on their own, directing them all the time stifles their creativity.

It’s not really directing though, if a child is begging for attention.

I can’t imagine that visit is much fun for the daughter either.

OP, can you instead do quick visits at their house where your daughter will be more in her element and less worried about children getting into things they shouldn’t?

In reply to Elegran extolling the virtues of the Playpen. I couldn’t agree more. All my children used the Playpen my cousin gave me when the first one arrived. They were safe, you could still interact with them and it seems to have done mine no harm. One tip I will pass on is when they throw a toy out of the playpen and scream for it leave it where they have thrown it. Eventually they throw all the toys out. You just have to collect them all up in one go and dump them back in. Tommy

You are missing the chats you and your daughter used to have before there were children but these will return.

I think my DD is a wonderful mother and I would never dream of critisising how she parents her children but although I love my grand children dearly and would do anything for them. I also miss the times I had just with my DD. It's almost as though I have lost the daughter I had and gained DGC and their mother instead. I wonder if you feel like that too?