AIBU

Elegran I’m sure short periods in a playpen were ok in the day. Unfortunately, I can remember being left all day in a playpen and becoming so stressed I gouged holes in my cheeks. I still bear the scars.

Like everything, playpens could be misused.

There is no doubt that a safe and comfortable cot to sleep in is a good thing, but we have all heard how, in some orphanages, children were left in their cots for hours with nothing to do or watch or play with and would just stare into space.

Let her parent her way. Dont say anything negative to her. Praise her parenting. Try and join in, lm sure she will appreciate your support. My kids do so many things with their kids, l smile...alot!!

glammagran, you poor thing.

Did no one else’s child just climb out of play pens?

By age 3, there is no way to contain a child like that safely

By age three, I would not have expected a child to be in a playpen. They would be at nursery or playgroup, or running around a safe garden, or "helping" with household things. The playpen was for crawling babies who otherwise would be into everything and too young to understand what they should not touch. The playpen had plenty of toys, which were changed around for variety, it was within my sight and near a low window through which the outside world could be seen, we could talk often to each other and they were not there for long spells at a time.

YABU

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YABVVVVU

It is her turn to be the mother of her children.

Her children are her priority. She sounds like an excellent mom.

I wonder if it would be possible for you to have the occasional evening out with your daughter? Cinema and a meal or a coffee. You could say that you love to see her and your grandchildren but you also miss the one to one times you used to have. Maybe their father could look after the children and she could rediscover that she is not just a one dimensional mother but also still a person in her own right? As young mothers it is too easy to forget who we are and it is not terribly healthy for our relationships if we are only perceived as someone's mother or someone's wife.

Busbybag, I too was bored playing with my grandchildren. I was never bored with my own as they sort of did what I was doing or they went in the playpen when I couldn't attend to them.

When I observed my daughter in law constantly attending to her child I did ask myself if I had failed as a mother for being too casual and relaxed. So your post gave me hope!

I've always said that when I have my grandchildren on my own they are different children. When parents are there they are constantly after attention and do things that they know I would never allow them to do. Having said that, if they didn't do as they were told for me we could never have had the wonderful holidays we have had.

Thank you all for you comments, positive and not so positive. Feeling a bit bruised with some of the responses but I accept that this a a consultation forum with opinions of everyone.

I am truly extremely proud of my DD, she is a wonderful daughter and mother and hopefully took some of that from myself, I'm not really the bad GM some have made me feel. It's not the fact that I feel left out or anything else to do with the relationship I have with DD BUT in my opinion all children have to learn to accept that mummy cannot give them 100% attention all of the time. Children must be taught that they can and should play on their own when the occasion arises as mummy will not be there all of the time. Once nursery/school starts and any other outside activities children must accept they cannot get full attention. My fear is that DGC will think no matter where they are they expect the same sort of attention they are getting at the moment. I try when DGD comes she can play on her own and of course with DH and myself too which is what we do. Yes it is frustrating that I cannot get my DD's attention when they are all here but of course I know how it is I do remember. We all go on nowadays that things are so different as to when our children grew up and some wonder why . I again thank you for all your comments however.

You say the little one is ten months old, so it shouldn't be a problem that your daughter plays with him when visiting you, especially as you say your grandchildren accept your different way of doing things when they are alone with you.

Anything that can be taken as criticism by your daughter will be and will harm your future relationship, so please, bite your tongue. It can take years to get past one incautious remark, you know.

You might just get away with saying that you miss the days when she and you could have a chat, but perhaps it is better not to.

Busybug,
The baby is 10 months old. Of course the baby is going to be glued to your dd and dd glued to her baby! It is natural and expected.

Kids get more independent when they grow up. They won't need their mom all the time and will play independently.

I am surprised you do not remember this from when you were a mother. I would read more about childhood development and what is expected in each phase.

Bottom line, there are so many styles of parenting and your dd decided to follow one you do not agree with. You and your dd are different people and you have different ideas.

Do not say or insinuate anything or it will come accross as criticism. You had your turn, it is her turn now.

Aren't you happy they visit you and see you regularly? Do not jeopardize that because you do not like how she parents

Lers not forget separation anxiety peaks between 10 to 18 months of age.

I could have written that myself today!I'm shattered and when I commented she took offence and said were only here till Monday you'll be glad to hear.

dd and hubby have now gone out and the boys have stopped all the madness and are playing together. I think they wind up their mum and she makes them worse with all the fuss. Perhaps overcompensating as she is at work all week. I'm tired because every time I try to speak to her she doesn't hear because she is fussing over them.

I think some of the judgemental posters have not read or understood the post. I know exactly what you mean bushy.

My son & wife come with DGD’s sit on their phones all afternoon while I’m run ragged. Our living room is on 1st floor and I’m constantly running around with them. At 73 with a bit of a heart problem I find it exhausting especially as the 4 year old has boundless energy and the 8 year old has learning difficulties. They sit on their backsides shouting A get me a can, J pass the biscuits. A do this, J do that, my H gets really annoyed! If we say anything they look upset!

I think that there's a misunderstanding about who's in charge. Kids are very different with different people. They may be easygoing with a grandmother but very demanding of a mum's attention.

Perhaps you feel that they should follow your routines/ideas when in your home. Maybe you feel that your daughter should too, or it could be that you feel they are too demanding of her? Do you feel left out or ignored?

Your daughter has her own unique style of parenting, though, and she brings it with her. You have to accept it.

I am with Busybag. This happened to me today. One daughter visited with her 3 month old baby . Another daughter was having respite care for a few days with her one month old. We look after 2 year old twins on Saturdays so I put the tv on for the 2 year olds while we chatted. Quite a long chat actually ! I don’t normally do this but needs must as they say .
Later the twins’ mum arrived to pick ‘em up. Quick. Turn off the tv. Shoes on. It was mayhem for a while and I have been lying down in a dark room ever since. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Tell me you have never put the tv on.
Mums can play with their kids another time. It’s good to have a grown up catch up .

I would join in. I loved playing with all my grandchildren. I would be down on the floor playing Lego, pretend teatime,
You name it I absolutely loved it. I miss it now they are older.

Actually, the evidence shows that interaction with a responsive adult helps to build healthy brain development in children. Seriously. Google "The Brain Story".

If another adult told me what is best for me (adult time) and when to play with my kids because they want my time to chat with them vs investing it as I wish (pay attention to my kids), they would see much less of me.

If you need catch up grown up time but your dd cannot provide it as she is busy taking care of her kids, look for another chat partner.

Why not join and play with your dd and kids? Why should your wants be put first vs the kids' needs?

It is as if OP is jelaous of the gc as her daughter is not giving the undivided attention OP wants. It also may seem as if OP resents her daughter for not putting OP first.

This is about giving your dd the respect of her role - a mother of young kids. A person's role is not the same all his/her life, it changes.
Family issues come from nor being able to adapt to your role and the roles of those around you.
It is very unrealistic to demand the attention of a mother at the expense of the dd going against her mothering style.

Why do you feel that your grandchildren should learn that they can’t have their mother’s attention all of the time? Your daughter seems happy enough to give them her attention - they are only 3 and 10 months after all.

Think long and hard before you decide to voice your opinion to your daughter, as you may make her feel as though she is doing something wrong, when in reality she sounds like an amazing mummy.

I would also examine your own feelings here, because your posts read like they come from a place of jealous, rather than concern.