Christmas nightmare

tell other half how you feel honestly and say you dont want to go it will be too much for you and your not going, noone should make them selves ill going anywhere you dont want to go to please someone else,

Are you calling Bbarb a camel,PamelJ1? Thats a bit insensitive that comment

Forgot! Of course do not go to charity ball just because he got the tickets.

I agree with a previous poster who mentioned that if you are still in morphine, you are not as ok as you think you are

I would take the antidepressants and try to get on the same page with my oh.
You two must be able to take wise decisions that satisfy both your criteria (budget wise too).
Does he know you do not like that couple?

Oh dear , I'm recovering from 2 knee replacements and have turned down Christmas get togethers. I feel lumpy and limpy and can't get into my nice clothes so am happy to stay at home. Maybe seeing as he's bought the damned tickets maybe you could just eat the meal , stay a short while then escape leaving him to enjoy the party ? I think that it will be ghastly for you . Big hugs .

I'm speechless, really. I know what I would do if it were me, but it's not me it's you. Please think of yourself and do what you want to do whether or not it upsets anyone else or not. Hugs and ????

This could set you back in the healing process for your back. As one who has back problems I would say really like to go but with what has happened can't, I won't be able to dance will probably be in pain all night,you go and enjoy yourself.

Just make him aware that you're definitely not going and when he asks why just sigh and walk out of the room. Some of his own treatment may make him see how very selfish and uncaring he's being.

He has put you on ignore. Tell him clearly that you are not going. He did not discuss it with you. He obviously has no sympathy for your situation. Make your decision and stick with it. Hugs for you x

<he has no empathy>

THAT would do it for me.

I'm in a 'caring' position as my husband has bone marrow cancer. They are equally ignorant of their own recovery limitations as well. sigh

A lot of advice given here.....come back and let us know your decision.....or for further support.

I am so sorry for your pain Bbarb. I do know antidepressants are prescribed for pain, I think someone above has mentioned amitritilyne and I do believe it helps.

You need to spell it out to your other half, tell him to sit down and listen - you do not want to go, and you are not going. If he wants to go, he can go on his own or invite someone to go with him and does he not understand that you are still suffering with your back.

Tell him as soon as possible, you are stressing and getting upset about this and that will not help your recovery.

I wish you well and send "Hugs" and .

You say you can't tell OH how you feel and therein lies the problem.

My MIL has terminal bowel cancer and has spent many years going along with her husband's wishes often at the cost of her own. Now she is really suffering and in a lot of pain, as long as her husband sees the occasional smile from her " all is well with the world" He isn't being unkind, just living their life in the way she has allowed him to all their married life . Their children are getting more and more resentful of their father's behaviour and it has become very stressful for all concerned.
The way I see it you have 3 choices:

1. Just say you don't want to go as it's too early in your recovery path.

2. Try the anti-depressants but I think they take time to build up in your system so you will need to start promptly. They may lift your mindset to enable you to soldier on.

3. Carry on as you are with just the painkillers and hope you can get through it all.

What you shouldn't do is dwell on the thought of the party, as instead of just a couple of days agony you are making yourself miserable for weeks before hand which is very destructive. Taking control of the problem and making a decision is very powerful in terms of self worth. And you do have worth even if you can't see it at the moment.

Lastly you should go to your nearest shops and buy/hire something you like, that fits you properly whether its for the formal dinner or just for Xmas. Start taking care of yourself, book a home manicure or pedicure even if it's something you never do. Little steps eventually make a difference.

This man has watched you being in dreadful pain for a long time does he think you can flick a switch and turn it off so you can go out to a dinner dance with him.
How many times have you chosen to have a night out recently? Not many I would guess
He is so selfish and uncaring I'm sure he would not be going if he was in so much pain.
He should have asked you if you would be able to manage the evening before buying the tickets ,don't go look after yourself as nobody else can possibly know how bad your pain is

I am just amazed he bought tickets without consulting you.

Oh BBarb, I send you sympathy and hugs. I'm another voice here for you not going along to this "do". Tell your OH firmly that you simply can't manage this: the sooner you say this, the better. Once you have voiced your decision, then at least (hopefully) you will be spared further mental agony over this issue. (Such stress is the last thing you need, alongside the physical pain.)

Sorry I'd tell him straight that you're in too much pain to go out partying. I have the opposite problem to you although I too am on high doses of morphine my family always assume I'm in too much pain to go anywhere or do anything, to be fair they are generally right but I'd just like to be asked even if I do say no, please just ask me.

In pain and dont really enjoy the other couples company, DONT go! Just explain to your husband,he should realise this is not an option in your case.Once you have explained to him you will feel better knowing you dont have to go.Maybe the tickets could be re sold if it is an important event, lots of people would be glad to purchase tickets.
Enjoy the evening at home instead,
Sending hugs.

If you can’t physically bring yourself to say the words, I suggest you show him your post and the responses you have received. He is clearly completely selfish. Do not do anything you do not want/feel comfortable to do. Your health and well-being is paramount. Do consider your GPs offer of anti-depressants, they may be very helpful in the short term

Just say No! Suggest something you might actually enjoy instead, I firmly believe you should be able to say no to events and spending time with people you don’t like except if it’s a special family event. Be firm, and good luck.

Hi, you try to talk to him -and he goes out of the room. Perhaps you could persevere-so that he is forced to discuss it. He needs to know, that like it or not, this is a massive deal for you. He has piled on the stress by organising this. It may be his way of trying to cheer you up but I suspect it’s more a way of trying to cheer himself up-by pretending that the situation you are in, just isn’t there. It’s fairly immature ...and why on earth has he involved people that you can’t stand? Does he know you don’t like them? If this event feels way too much for you at the moment, it would be reasonable for you to say that you just can’t go. But if there’s part of you that would like to try to enjoy it, explain that to him.....get him on your side....it doesn’t feel like he’s there at the moment, Good luck.

At least try the antidepressants. They may help you relax a bit and therefore help reduce the back pain
We all know if you are tense pain seems worse. As for the charity event: how can your weight loss not be noticeable that he doesn't appreciate nothing will fit? Also why does he not k ow you can't stand the other couple? You need to have a serious talk about the whole situation. The charity won't lose out if you don't
go, you've paid for the tickets.

I think there is also the possibility that your husband has had real problems dealing with the seriousness of your injury and is frightened at the thought of you not being well enough to get back to how everything was before. He maybe can't stand the thought of you being in pain and/or has no confidence in his ability to look after you properly if you don't get back to full fitness. He may therefore be in a sort of denial about it and his fears/guilt make him walk out the room when you try to discuss things. If he won't sit down and have a proper discussion, I think you need to find a close friend of his who will talk to him, get him to go to a counsellor with you or even put it all in writing to him ( without getting angry if possible).
In the meantime, you shouldn't feel obliged to go to something that will be physically, mentally or emotionally too difficult for you and certainly won't be a treat.
Hoping and praying for healing of your back and that you and your husband come through this experience stronger and closer.

Your partner has clearly bought these tickets with the best of intentions. If you have been unwell for a prolonged period, it not only has been difficult for you but him also. I would imagine he hoped these tickets would be the start of a more cheerful period in your lives.
On the clothing front, if you have lost weight buy something new. This need not be expensive. I get party items on ebay. I just look for brands which I know suit me and save lots on the cost of new items.
I really think you should slso condider the anti-depressants too. I had a serious back problem and was prescribed them and they really helped me sleep, which made me feel so much better as a whole.
In essence, try to remember that there are two of you in this relationship who need to be happy. You have had a horrible year. The event is some way off and you will hopefully be further down your recovery road by then and things will be looking brighter.

I would just say l am not going, and to OH say l will not be emotionally blackmailed by your sighs etc. Get the meds of your doctor too they may help you cope. Good luck

We are not islands, depression is catching. Take the suggested antidepressants as previous posters have suggested (Valium and Lithium are not antidepressants). It is too soon to the event to expect your mood and pain to have been changed. Ask your husband to take someone in your place. When you can think more clearly think of an event you would enjoy and discuss with your husband this as a treat and a milestone. One good thing at 7 stone you can choose some beautiful clothes at dress size 6 or 8 model size clothes. An unfortunate
sign of depression is social avoidance, anhedonia, lack of appetite and introspection. He may be trying to cheer you?