Christmas nightmare

I really feel for you Bbarb as does everyone else on here. You shouldn’t go if you don’t want to. If you end up bursting into tears when explaining to you DH that you can’t face it so be it. Maybe he’ll think a bit more carefully in the future before buying tickets for events without discussing it first. The worst thing about this is being expected to go with a couple you can’t stand. Surely he knew that? You are not in the wrong and not being unreasonable. You say the event is a charity evening so just consider it as a generous donation to the charity rather than wasted tickets.
Maybe your daughter will help support your decision when she visits?
Let us know what you decide

Oh my goodness, you’re 81!! This is so ridiculous Bbarb, you going to this function should NEVER have been on the cards. You could so easily go right back to where you started when you first had your accident. Please don’t go, and make sure your husband gets it. He can still go, and like someone else said, the charity has their money, so it’s not for you to feel bad about. Look after yourself, if you can’t rest and take it easy now, it’s a pretty poor show.

Could the GP have a word and tell husband to wake up to reality?

You come first especially with what you are going and been through.
Your dh clearly isn`t seeing the bigger picture and a bit pathetic stomping off when you mention it.
DONT GO.

OP

it is not ok to drink and take morphine.
I did say that Amitryptline made me drowsy and you have said it made you drowsy.
I said it made me more stupid and you said it made you unable to stand up for yourself.
I don't think this is a good idea to go ut and even drink a little bit..

So many posters with back pain also think it is not a good idea.
yes you have signaled to your DH that you feel better than you do by baking cake, xmas decorations up etc. big mistake really.
tell him you did that but now you know that you have reached your limit.

My answer won’t be popular but it’s from the heart. I too live with a selfish man without empathy - I have cancer, Lupus and liver disease and he doesn’t lift a finger to help with anything. He too “leaves” the conversation. So I understand your pain and frustration.
I will tell you....you are not a child. You are perfectly capable of making your own decisions whether they are popular or not. If you truly do NOT wish to go, then don’t! You don’t need his permission to stay home. You don’t need to explain WHY as he knows why, he just wants to bully and guilt you into doing something that he wants to do. And inviting others without discussing it with you first, especially as he most probably knows you dislike that couple, is highly suspect. I would just tell him you aren’t quite well enough yet to endure such an event and as he didn’t discuss the plans with you first he should go alone or ask a friend to join him. You don’t need any excuses and he isn’t listening anyway. Don’t bring up the expense or your health or your lack of clothing. You are a grown woman - he is not your parent. I guarantee he will argue pout and act like a 2 yr old. But it will be a wake up call for him that he cannot manipulate you anymore. I know this because I did it and told my narcissistic husband I would no longer tolerate this bad behavior. And my life is better. Much better. He hasn’t changed, but I have and am much happier without “Daddy” telling me what to do. I just wish I had done it sooner. I wish you good health and much happiness in your future. And please, think about why you feel depressed before giving in to antidepressants. They’re only a dangerous bandage that drs hand out so they don’t have to listen to us. Blessed be ♥️

I'm sorry but yet again I must ask that people do not give out medical advice.

We are not doctors. This myth that GP's " dish out" antidepressants is all wrong. Nobody is dishing anything out.

Would a diabetic be denied insulin and told to tough it out?
Nobody apart from a qualified doctor and/or psychiatrist should be giving medical advice. It's downright dangerous.

Hear, hear, inkcog.

inkcog

I am not sure which posts are giving medical advice?
I am warning against alcohol and morphine....it's on the instructions
and also both myself and the OP have had side effects with Amitryptyline.
It is not a good idea to take a drug if you have side effects like this.

I am gobsmacked that some people think extra medication is the answer. Bbarb won't even know whether she feels up to it until the day itself. Under the circumstances, she should be free to change her mind entirely or leave early!

Bbarm you are a very brave lady to even consider going. But in the end you do what you want to do. No wonder you felt very sleepy and poorly taking amiltriptolyn. I am on opioid patches so similar to morphine and must not take it while on the patches as it could cause me to me very ill or even die. Again alcohol will also react with morphine and make you ill.
Hopefully my spelling is better this time as I am sitting in the waiting room waiting to see the radiotherapist and feeling more relaxed than yesterday.

pinkquartz, there are numerous comments on medications.

They’re only a dangerous bandage that drs hand out so they don’t have to listen to us

Just a thought...it may be your husband is trying to lift you out of the deep depression you are obviously in. Whilst I sympathise with your pain - having been there and done that - maybe you should try and buy yourself a slinky dress, put makeup on your face and try! Maybe you might enjoy it instead of wallowing in your misery!

1. There has never been any evidence to show that donning a slinky dress staves off depression.

2. The lovely OP is not wallowing. I am taken aback by her fortitude.

In the circumstances I don't think this Christmas and any celebrations [whether involved in charity or not] are about your husband. It's you who are in pain and as you said, you don't want to go.
Then don't. He isn't the one in pain and on meds. This Christmas is about you healing, it's about him realising how unselfish you are and about appreciating you and your struggle with a serious health problem at your age. he should be helping you to maintain your future health and be attending to your needs, physical and emotional.
He can go with someone else. What's wrong with that. Then it's win, win.
If he can't agree then someone needs to have a word about bullying, being uncaring and selfish. I personally think his demands are unreasonable, verging on outrageous.

I don't think he's kind either. You are in pain and you don't feel like going somewhere where you won't be comfortable, emotionally or physically, and with people you don't like. You have told him, he sighs and walks away. That isn't kind.

Just say, as calmly as you can, that you weren't asked if you wanted to go, that you have not recovered and are still in a considerable amount of pain, that he can go on his own if he so wishes or he can give one of the tickets to someone who can accompany him or give away both of the tickets. It's his choice - and at least you're giving him a choice, which is more than he did when he made this thoughtless decision without consulting you.

Have you considered what impact the shock of your injury and the painful and long recovery might have had on him.? OH may have been a bit thoughtless but perhaps he’s just desperate for some normality.

So he could have said something like " this has been so hard seeing you like this. I'm so sorry. Would a little trip out somewhere nice help at all?"

I was thinking that too ExperiencedNotOld
My DH is suffering and I want him to be back to normal although I know in my heart he never will be.
Perhaps the DH of OP is feeling like I am.
He will understand her wishes, I'm sure, but she needs to know what she wants.
I think if you can manage to put in an appearance, the adrenaline might keep your spirits up Bbarb
But don't try and dance....yet.

Grammaretto So if your husband had broken his back - a frightening experience in itself -and was still being prescribed morphine for the pain, would you book tickets for an event which might be overwhelming for him, without asking his opinion?

Why should the OP "put in appearance" at something which, for a number of reasons, she doesn't feel up to attending?

Inkcog - this isn’t about you, and unless your are a trustee to this website you do not have rights to tell others what they can or cannot say here. It’s a give and take of advice. I am retired from the medical profession and know what many of them do. And “GP” went out years ago. Your input was not helpful.

How interesting, please provide some more information. Many thanks.

What is the correct terminology?

It's as well to remember that there are active moderators on this site, and if anyone feels another poster is posting dangerous advice one can report a post and allow the staff to make a judgement. Otherwise I think we're all aware that opinions posted are just opinions, medical or otherwise.

OK, do you know what? I couldn't care less. Thank Goodness my doctor is capable of both listening and prescribing. My concern was genuine but I just can't be bothered any more.

I do not feel it is appropriate for people to reel off conflicting advice to people who may be susceptible. I think this site should be moderated and should provide a header with some useful contacts . They have a duty of care to posters.

He is being very ignorant and selfish. It will be nigh impossible for you to sit still that long. It's alright for him it's not him in pain. I bet he wouldn't go if the rest were reversed. Tell him very firmly. As for the expense it was very silly of him to buy tickets without checking you were up for it first. Good luck x