Christmas nightmare

A dear friend of mine had an op on her back last year. She's the sort who grits her teeth and gets on with things. She found the forced 'not doing normal things we all take for granted' the worst. She couldn't sit for long periods & had to walk about or stand which gave the appearance of being better than she was! She has just regained the ability to simple dance again and play with her gd.but there are now limitations. So be aware that recovery is very gradual and slow. She has an understanding husband but it was still horrendous for her. And when youre in pain you dont need life made worse. Stop pleasing others - bite the bullet - demand to be heard. Its NOT being selfish. The first NO is thehardest. Best wishes.

Do please go and talk to your doctor about amitriptyline. Mine suggested it for my severe hip pain last year and I was very resistant as I was sure I didn't need an antidepressant. He just gave me one of those looks (!) and said "if it was me I'd take it", so I gave in. It was a big help and only a low dose so no side effects.

Bbarb

I don't understand why you haven't said no to be honest.

Your DH meant well but it will not be good for you.
In fact you have no way of knowing if this will cause a set back.
Don't go unless you actually want to go.

Pleasing everyone but yourself is not the way to recover You are in pain and you should look after yourself.
I say this because I never stopped doing stuff while I was in pain and it made things worse. There is a time to push through but is this it?

Don't take the amitriptyline . It has side effects. You might be affected by those. Also it didn't do anything for my pain. It made me drowsy and a bit stupid I gave it a couple of months and stopped.

See if your DH can postpone going out. It is not forever.
I hope you recover soon.

Thats a very good point - you have a grain of truth in there I confess.

Can I just say, I don't think any of us should be giving medical advice here. Each body and psychology is different.

addition to my last post - I did try amitriptyline but it made me drowsy and even less able to stand up for myself than usual. I was a pathetic wreck.
I agree we older women were brainwashed to look after everyone else before ourselves, and at 81 I don't think my outlook will ever really set into new ways ...... but I'm better than I used to be at saying 'no'.
We will have been married 60 years next May - so again I'm unlikely to chuck him put or take myself off to a little flat in town. BTW we live in the country and I like the idea of getting a taxi home as someone on here kindly suggested, but the cost ....... also ladies - the cost of a new outfit is just not on the cards. I was brought up not to get into debt, so I won't consider using a credit card either, that's one thing I'm definite about. So its no new outfit.
My daughter is going to help me alter a dresss at the weekend - she lives a long way away so I don't see her often but she understands what her father's like. Shame \i can't wear my pretty high heeled shoes
Oh, and I haven't had any alcohol since the morphine started though I possibly will at Christmas.
Yes, I've told him I'll go on the understanding we come home when I'm ready.

And I really appreciate the support - amazing how much better I feel about it now, just knowing I'm not being selfish.

Please please, Bbarb, realise this is massive, a huge thing . Our spine, our support is so vital. You have been to hell and back,you can't be putting on a dress and going to something with people you don't like.

Be blunt, tell him to sod off . I would but that's just me after years of putting myself last and making sure every one else is happy, most women/wife/mothers do it. No more I for one have had enough lol

Do what is best for you. Your husband is being thoughtless. He bought the tickets knowing you are in pain, and even worse going with a couple you cannot stand.
You need to say NO to him.

Oh, Bharb, what a predicament, your OH has put you in an awful position. He obviously does not realise the extent of what is going on in your body and mind, but he probably bought those tickets with the best of intentions. You did not say if he was aware that you disliked the couple you are going with. If he did then that is inconsiderate on his part, why would you want to pay a lot of money to be in their company? I would certainly say "no" to going if he did, it is his loss, at least the charity get some money. However if he didn't I would perhaps try to go, on condition that if I felt unwell at anytime we would have to leave the party. I know that you don't want to spend money on an outfit but have you thought of charity shops? I am a manager of one and tiny sizes are hard to sell. We have a gorgeous, Minuet, long gold skirt and top, size 6 freshly dry cleaned but it has not sold despite being a fraction of its original price. However, if you feel physically and mentally unable to go, tell him NOW and put an end to it. Worrying about it will make all your symptoms worse and slow down your recovery. x

You say ‘you can’t tell your OH’....why? You are being a doormat. Stop hinting or saying you don’t feel well. Your husband is bullying you and will do so if you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself. You say something along the lines of ‘I am in extreme pain, you are absolutely unsupportive and selfish. I am not going to a ball with a couple I can’t stand because, whilst this may be news to you, I am not a pet dog to be told what to do and when to do it. So...you can cancel or you can go with someone else. For your information, things are going to change around here. ‘ You are entitled to a life that you want to live and not what he tells you to do.

This is not about clothes. Wake up.

Rude

Dear bBarb
Feel free and at ease to just say NO. Don't worry about disappointment or costs involved.
Wishing you a good recovery

Glad you've made a decision bBarb, it may not be what a lot of posters have suggested or would do themselves but hey ho.

I suffer with back problems and I also can't take anti-depressants or strong pain relief and who wants to sleep their time away ?

I would suggest you do a fashion show of your current clothes just so your husband really appreciates your weight loss.
Perhaps some of your friends could help you out with choosing something, clothes swapping maybe as I'm sure your weight loss has been noticed.

If money is really tight could it be because you are not claiming some benefits you could be entitled to ? Just a thought for the New Year to look into when you feel up to it.

I hope you have a wonderful evening if you do go and please leave when you feel uncomfortable, don't be a martyr .

I am not rude, kind hearted people are getting caught up in what this lady will wear. I suggest in her 80's with a broken back and on morphine, and at 7 stone, a party frock is the least of her troubles.

Oh dear ...I had a similar problem with my late husband ...didn't want to listen (I e when I had cancer three times and chemo, etc etc he told me to shut up as I was making it all up !) my problem was opposite though...on my 60th birthday I wanted to go to a dinner dance. He said NO I am not dressing up as a penguin ..you can go on your own !!) fantastic ! so I went to Paris by myself and thoroughly enjoyed shopping and seeing friends (I lived in France ) SO my advice to you would be ….say it was VERY thoughtful and kind of him to try to make you happy and that you do appreciate it but don't want to let him down by not enjoying the evening (you can lay it on thick) then check with your doc it is ok and book a health spa for a weekend (he can pay ..maybe for you and a friend or relative !) and a new hair do and make up and outfit …...explain to the other couple you have health problems and although you can attend, you cannot participate very well !....that may make him less unsympathetic ...the thought (even if not true) that you DO want to try for him, but may (don't say WONT BE ABLE) want to take part ..…..see what happens when you put that to him !

I think @Namsnanny has it right - show him this thread! He's obviously either an ostrich with his head firmly in the sand, or an unfeeling ass. Don't go, you could really mess up the progress you've made, and for what? To spend a night you're not looking forward to with people you dislike? That's just crazy. Hugs for you.

Bbarb I’m so sorry to read of your back problems. The Christmas preparations you have done are amazing given your situation. One thing I have learnt (from my own personal experience with serious health issues) is you must take care of yourself - that is your priority. We woman instinctively put others first - we're the carers, whether it’s children, grandchildren, partners etc but we have to look after ourselves. I do hope you’ll be feeling better soon. Personally, I wouldn’t go unless I thought it would help me feel better mentally by going to a nice place.

*Bbarb
"I haven't had any alcohol since the morphine started though I possibly will at Christmas."*

I broke my back in Afghanistan (thanks Taliban) back in 2015 and have been on morphine and other heavy duty pain medication since then. At an important family 'do' in 2017 I thought it would be OK to have a wee glass of champagne. First alcohol since 2015 and most definitely the only drop I would ever try again.
I know one poster commented that we shouldn't give medical advice and I agree, however PLEASE BE REALLY CAREFUL if you decide to drink during the holiday period. I was so ill after 1 glass of champagne which I had sipped warily over an hour. It was like the worst hangover ever and lasted for nearly 3 days. I'm not saying this will happen to you but do take care. At the time I was only on morphine so I can't really blame any other drug.
As for the posh do - I'm with the NO posters. I've been in pain for 4 years and there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I would go out to a night like that.
Hang in there Bbarb

Your husband is being an arse. Tell him so. You are unwell. On morphine. Taking more meds to attend some charity event does not sound charitable. He can take someone else or go alone. It won’t kill him. But it might well do your back in. Hope you recover fully soon,

Don’t go.

Bbarb, I take my hat off to you! You are 81 years old and broke your back just a few months ago ... you are pain, but have still made the effort to put up decorations, and do preparations for Christmas because your husband loves the season.

It seems that your husband is oblivious to what you are actually going through, but he needs to be told. It's no wonder that you are feeling tired and depressed. I do also think that when people get older, they can become very selfish in their ways, and it sounds like this is your husband. If you can't bring yourself to tell him how it really is for you, then you really should get your daughter to have a frank discussion with him ... maybe if it comes from someone else, rather than you, it may start to sink in a little ...?

Either way, if you don't feel up to going to the charity ball, which is totally understandable, you should tell him sooner rather than later. You shouldn't be stressing about going to an event with people you don't even like, or worrying about what to wear when, in fact, the real issue is that you're not up to going. Take time to recover properly, and don't do anything that you know yourself could hinder your progress.

I am heartened to see more people speaking up here. This touches me personally as I have back problems. I can't think of mush worse than painting on a smile and talking to people I don't like at an event I can't afford and I don't want to attend.

Please please don't go. Stay in the warm with some nice music and mince pie.

I think the problem is that you have put up decorations, made a Christmas cake and pudding. This is what your DH sees, you doing normal things. So he puts on his blinkers and says DW is back to normal. I have a chronic lung condition which in the past year has made me very very breathless. I don't think my DH understood how I felt, how could he? Until a few days after he had an minor operation he had breathing problems , this lasted for about a week. Well now he knows! Tell your DH to walk a mile in your shoes, you probably couldn't even walk a mile with the pain you're in .