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To not want my cousin's child at party

(35 Posts)
Beswitched Thu 23-Jan-20 15:08:27

I'm organising a small party for an aunt of mine who will be 80 next month. She has no children of her own so it's just her siblings, her nieces and nephews and a couple of her close friends. I haven't included great nieces and nephews as we're quite a large family and it would mean about twenty kids coming along and I wouldn't have the room apart from anything else.

One of my cousins, whose daughter is a single mum, has asked if they can bring her 4 year old as otherwise one of them will have to stay with her as usual babysitters will be at the party.

The problem is this child is allowed run wild, is never corrected, and wants to be the center of attention at all times. I know from previous experience she will annoy everyone while her mum and gran sit there oblivious.

Would it be awful to say no, and how could I do so without being rude?

Missfoodlove Thu 23-Jan-20 15:26:09

Just say it would open the floodgates and cause a big problem.
Would it be possible if she and one of the usual babysitters each do a shift?

Septimia Thu 23-Jan-20 15:31:28

I agree with Missfoodlove - she said it before I could!

Your reasoning is that having this child to the party would be unfair on all the others who aren't coming. And they're not coming because your aunt and many of the other guests are not of an age to welcome hordes of lively children.

Maybe your cousin and her daughter could attend the party in shifts or organise shifts with the babysitters as already said.

We didn't want children at our wedding - a long time ago - and some people took umbrage or just couldn't make arrangements to come, some organised babysitters. So no, YABU.

BlueBelle Thu 23-Jan-20 15:36:04

If you have made a rule no children and you don’t have any other children coming to the party you are perfectly in order to reiterate that rule .... surely they can find a different babysitter for one occasion (what if their usual one became ill)
Stick to your guns I don’t thinks it’s got anything to do with the child’s behaviour just that no children are invited

Beswitched Thu 23-Jan-20 16:32:44

Thanks. Yes I think I'll just have to say it would be awkward when none of the other nieces and nephews can bring their children.
Oh dear, I really wish people wouldn't put you in this position sad

Norah Thu 23-Jan-20 16:37:18

No children is to mean no children. No, a 4 year old may not attend.

Hithere Thu 23-Jan-20 16:48:23

What would your aunt want?

Callistemon Thu 23-Jan-20 17:45:38

No children means no children.

Parents of the other children will wonder why theirs were not invited. If they cannot find another babysitter, then, regretfully, they cannot come. Mor st least the daughter cannot come although your cousin could attend.

"Oh, what a pity you will not be able to come as we are not inviting children" is all you need to say.

Beswitched Thu 23-Jan-20 19:26:17

I know my aunt disapproves of the way this child is allowed to behave. When her grandmother brought her into the hospital when my aunt was ill she was allowed run wild around the ward.
They're nice people but they just can't seem to see how their child's behaviour impacts on others.

V3ra Thu 23-Jan-20 19:37:41

We had a family wedding; "no children" was agreed. Some from the other side (bride) were invited, and were not well behaved. Bride was most put out. How surprising! No, not really...
Stick to your guns. You may offend one pair but it's not their party and if no other children are coming they can hardly complain.

grannyactivist Thu 23-Jan-20 19:40:57

Beswitched - can you explain that you can't make an exception for this child as it would be unfair on others, but offer to make a contribution to the cost of a sitter if that will help?

HootyMcOwlface Thu 23-Jan-20 19:42:44

Tell her sorry but it’s a no, it is not fair on everyone else - if you say yes to one you have to say yes to everyone and that is just not possible.

MissAdventure Thu 23-Jan-20 19:51:43

I think everyone has experienced a friend who has seemed quite sensible about things until they have a child.

Then they'll say "Girls, girls! Let me take your shoes off so you can bounce even harder on someone else sofa".

Tedber Fri 24-Jan-20 17:34:10

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Just say as others can't invite one without the others and you want it to be about your aunt and not the children (because let's face it kids just take over don't they?)

There was a similar thread posted not that long ago and it was from 'the Grandma' wanting to take her grandchild to a family party. She felt the host was being unreasonable. Most people felt SHE was being unreasonable so be prepared for a bit of sulking from your cousin or give her some gin and she might forget about the grandaughter smile

Lovely gesture by the way and I hope you all have a wonderful time.

Witzend Mon 27-Jan-20 11:17:54

I like the Aussie way of handling this - a straight ‘NBK’ on the invitations. (No Bloody Kids!)

endlessstrife Tue 28-Jan-20 09:25:29

Sorry to go against the grain here, but I’m a great believer in being honest, and it’s not fair on the family of the unruly child, that you all feel this way and no one says anything. The fact is, this little girl will be excluded for years to come. I saw it happen to a friend of my daughter’s. In this instance, you do have a valid reason, no children are invited, and that’s fair enough, but am I right in assuming it would have been alright for this child to come, had she been better behaved? It’s not too late to have a talk with the mother. Another ten years, and it could be too late. Hope the party goes well.

Callistemon Tue 28-Jan-20 09:29:56

endlesssteide confused
If you look at the converse:

The invitation says no children so if one badly behaved child is allowed to go then it could send out a signal to all the others and their parents that if you behave badly you will never be excluded.

MawB Tue 28-Jan-20 09:30:44

Sorry to disagree Endlesstrife but I think the majority opinion is kinder.
Nobody likes to hear their child is a terror, especially, I suspect a single mum who has nobody to share that with.
The suggestion of help with paying a babysitter is a sympathetic one, if money is tight. However any parent needs to have access to babysitters when family can’t oblige.
Stick to your guns, but kindly.

Callistemon Tue 28-Jan-20 09:31:03

Sorry, sp endlessstrife

Autocorrect again but what steide means I have no idea!

DillytheGardener Tue 28-Jan-20 09:43:46

I agree with MawB If the young lady is a single mum, firm kindness is the answer for this situation. Stick to your guns as she said, but I wouldn’t share that her child is the child from the Omen.

Pippa22 Tue 28-Jan-20 09:44:08

Granny activist no need to explain and certainly I would not pay for a babysitter. This is pandering to the child’s parents. Children are not invited and the 4 year olds family should respect this. Ne exception for this spoilt brat who’s family must accept that no means no. What is so difficult to understand about that ?

Callistemon Tue 28-Jan-20 09:53:44

If no babysitter is available then the parent will not be able to go.
It happens often if children are not invited. Who is closer to the birthday lady, her niece (the granny of the child) or great-niece (mother of child)? They will have to decide between the two of them who will attend.

Anyway, I thought great-nieces were not invited?

endlessstrife Tue 28-Jan-20 09:58:48

Yes, I agree she probably shouldn’t go to this particular event, but I was talking about for the future really, in the long term, it’s better to try and sort this out, than for the child, who’s not at fault here, it’s the parenting, to be consistently excluded. They may find no one will want to babysit such a difficult child.

Callistemon Tue 28-Jan-20 10:02:06

Yes, it's not fair on the child if parent and grandparent sit and ignore her as she creates havoc.

This time there is a perfectly good reason to say no.

endlessstrife Tue 28-Jan-20 10:02:54

It’s not kinder in the long run.