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I am scared for my grandchildren

(77 Posts)
Norabennette Thu 23-Jan-20 23:22:42

My daughter married a Pakistani fellow last year, she already had 2 children (girls) with him and is now pregnant with the 3rd...
He wants to take them all on a trip to pakistan to see his family but after all the bad things I've heard about how muslim men treat young white women and the horror stories about them running away with womens children.
Now I'm not racist but.... this scares me. I've tried to talk about how my daughter about how I feel but she says I am just old, racist and ignorant.
Now this is the worst part! I even tried to talk to him about it and he tried bribe me off by buying me a new car! I told him I don't want his money, I want safety for mygran children!
I'm really scared and I need advice.

60nSaucey Thu 23-Jan-20 23:32:25

how old are your grand daughters?

Norabennette Thu 23-Jan-20 23:33:35

They are 10 and 7. The man was with another woman for a long time before he decided to do the right thing with my daughter so you can understand why I don't trust him!

crazyH Thu 23-Jan-20 23:33:36

Is he a British Citizen? That will make a big difference to the outcome of this situation.
And please don't be scared. Muslim men are not wife-beaters, no more, no less than British men are.
Wish you all the best !!

Hetty58 Thu 23-Jan-20 23:34:17

Perhaps you should suggest going with them? You'll find Pakistan is a friendly, lively place, not dangerous for visitors. I'm sure his family are very nice They are travelling together so your son-in-law will, of course, look after his wife and children as usual.

(btw 'I'm not racist but..' never does sound right to me)

Norabennette Thu 23-Jan-20 23:35:28

No haven't you heard in the news about these pakistani rape gangs here in the north? They abused lots of young girls because they were white and non mulsim! I've also heard that muslims don't have respect for women and currently my daughter won't submit to him but I'm scared that once she is away from here family and in a forgien country he will force her to!

60nSaucey Thu 23-Jan-20 23:35:37

@crazyH A little odd that he tried to buy her a car though don't you thnk?

Norabennette Thu 23-Jan-20 23:36:23

No he doesn't want me to go with them! I already tried that, I'm sure he wants to steal my daughter and my grandchildren away and force them to do what ever he wants!

Callistemon Thu 23-Jan-20 23:41:35

But if he is their father they are not white are they?
They are mixed race.
Why are they not following their father's religion? If they are not it probably means he is not that committed.

And there will probably be other grandparents over there who are getting excited at meeting their DGC, perhaps for the first time.

Norabennette Thu 23-Jan-20 23:43:12

This is something they have aruged over it is part of the reason why it took him so long to marry her. I am worried that because she won't convert to muslim here he will make her do it in pakistan.

The children are not "white" but they are very pale skinned.

Norabennette Thu 23-Jan-20 23:46:41

Oh I see what you mean, no the children are not white but my daughter is.

MissAdventure Fri 24-Jan-20 00:06:27

I would suggest an appointment with with the citizens advice bureau, or even just going into their waiting room and looking at all the leaflets and helpline numbers they have.

I'm sure they will have good information on this subject.

V3ra Fri 24-Jan-20 00:15:15

I don't want to sound alarmist but I really think you should talk to a local police officer or social worker about your concerns.
Some Pakistani Muslims practice female genital mutilation and your granddaughters could be at risk. You've said yourself you're really scared and don't trust your son-in-law. You know him. Go with your gut feeling.

Hithere Fri 24-Jan-20 00:35:27

While I understand your concern, you are way over the top.

You talked to your dd and she is comfortable with the trip. Do you think she would go and put her children in danger? I don't think so

What do you mean by "do the right thing?"
Maybe what is right for you is not right for them?

You offered to go with them? That is not appropriate.

You also say you want the safety of your grandchildren. How about the safety of your dd? She doesn't count?

"I am not racist but...." is very telling.

I don't know him, you do. You are judging him based on stereotypes of his country and religion.
Unless your dd has express concern for her safety and her children, you need to back off.

paddyanne Fri 24-Jan-20 00:56:00

if your daughter has been with him long enough to have children those ages then I'm sure she must know him better than you do.Is he a good husband to her and a good father to the children? I really dont think its your place to interfere in your daughters marriage just because you listen to biased media when your daughter who has known him a long time is happy to go with him,

Yennifer Fri 24-Jan-20 01:01:50

Non racists never need to say they aren't racist! So I think you know you are pushing the line here! I agree with your daughter x

Coolgran65 Fri 24-Jan-20 02:41:11 do sound very anxious.
How do you get on with your SIL. Is he a nice fellow.
I know he took a long time to marry your daughter but they are now a family, is he good to her and the children.
Does your daughter want to go.

Do they own their own home here which gives him ties.

The things about gangs that were in the news have alarmed you and speed seeds of worry. Logically you will know that not everyone should be judged the same.

Are you still able to talk to your daughter about your worries or is the subject closed. If so perhaps if you suggested that she make sure she keeps the passports of the children and herself on her person at all times it would give you a little peace.

As onlookers others can maybe see the situation more clearly.

Your worries are your worries regardless of how valid the reasons and I'm sorry it makes you so unhappy but please take care, you don't want to alienate your daughter.

rosecarmel Fri 24-Jan-20 03:08:48

From the Canadian Government site above:

Avoid non-essential travel to Pakistan with exceptions (see below). The security situation is unpredictable. There is a threat of terrorist attacks, kidnapping and sectarian violence.

Regional advisory - Avoid all travel
Avoid all travel to :

the area within 10 km of all international borders, except the Wagah official border crossing point
the Kashmir region, including Azad Kashmir and Gilgit-Baltistan
the province of Balochistan and its capital city, Quetta
the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province, including Swat, the city of Peshawar, Khyber, North Waziristan and South Waziristan
Safety and security situation

Islamabad - Exercise a high degree of caution
Exercise a high degree of caution in Islamabad due to the threat of terrorism.

BlueBelle Fri 24-Jan-20 07:00:09

Well done rosecarmel that will really put noras mind at rest about something she can do nothing about

Urmstongran Fri 24-Jan-20 08:00:06

But it surely is better to have that knowledge so the OP can share it with her daughter?

Hetty58 Fri 24-Jan-20 08:04:48

Which region of Pakistan are they visiting? Probably, none of the above!

Urmstongran Fri 24-Jan-20 08:06:12


Newquay Fri 24-Jan-20 08:27:28

Personally I would check out embassy advice and be ready at a moment’s notice to get both your daughter and DGDs out of there if need be ASAP.
FGM, forced marriages-all sorts of things come to mind sadly.

Daisymae Fri 24-Jan-20 08:27:55

Fully understand your concern, but these are the children's parents so there's nothing that that you can do to stop them taking the children abroad. Personally I would work hard to maintain a good relationship, keeping lines of communication open.

BlueBelle Fri 24-Jan-20 08:29:25

Not really Ums as if the daughter is stubborn as most young and ‘in love’ people are it will not help one jot to change her mind and it will just put the poster into more of a flux than she already is Anyway the list is mainly about terrorism and capture of independent travellers nothing to do with the posters worries The post could have been useful if it was the daughter who was asking the question
If it’s any help my son in law is a massive independent traveller and always says Pakistan is the country he loves most and found the most hospitable

I think Nora is more worried about abduction and sexual abuse of the girls and that is a big worry whichever country is visited
Look at the positives first
the man was with another woman for a long time before my daughter well that shows he is probable not a flitter but in it for the long term
They are married, so he is serious about the relationship
If the eldest is 10 and he’s never gone on about visiting Pakistan before he’s either very patient or genuinely just wants his family to meet wife and children at last Wouldn’t they have been whisked away before if he wanted to abduct them
The negatives
Now there could be worries around the marrying of daughters the eldest is coming up to the age and that would worry me too but it all depends on whether he is a radical within his religion or a moderate true Muslim
The car sounds strange I don’t quite understand that, are you sure he definitely tried to bribe you?
Do you like him, is he good to your daughter, and his children
Offering you a car sounds as if he has money does he have status here, is he a British citizen ?
At the end of the day I think if you have fears about a son in law whatever race or religion you feel very helpless and I understand that but try not to get carried away with headlines if a few There are just as many white solid English abusers