Still not met three week old grandson.

Welcome Happygran to the petticoat government, you are in good company.

agnurse I’m glad you are in Canada.

Congratulations on your new grandchild, Happygran.

My son and one daughter both have children and I’m pleased to say that they and their partners have always made sure that all grandparents are treated equally and fairly. I hope my inlaws felt the same when my children were little. I really can’t begin to understand why you haven’t been invited to meet the new arrival yet, and hope that you get that call very soon.

MacCavity2

I have never heard that before , made me laugh as it’s so succinct.

Thank you Maggie. ?

I’m known for putting my foot in my mouth with my dils, so I won’t join in to give advice. I will say I’m sorry you are feeling upset and jealous. The green eyed monster feels awful and it is so hard to try and suck it up.

I hope baby gets onto an easier feeding routine soon and you get see them very shortly. Sending love and sweet treats

It's understandable that you are upset that you still haven't seen your 3 week old GC. It is mean IMO, especially as they live so close; being allowed to pop in for an hour shouldn't be too much to ask.

I hope you'll get to see your GC soon and congratulations.

Yes basically told no visitors until further notice but I’m not just a visitor I’m granny.
As I said I understand that she wants her family around her, I know I did but I made sure my husband’s family were made welcome and involved from the beginning

What you did is of no consequence, and yes, as you don’t live in a house with them, you are a visitor.

As much as I understand how disappointed you must be, please try and remember that in the grand scheme of things 3 weeks in that little persons life is just a blip. I can see both sides of this - when I had my eldest she was a dream baby, fed well slept well and I recovered well, so within days we were out showing her off to the family. My second however was the exact opposite, my labour and recovery was dreadful, he wouldn’t feed or sleep and it took us about 6 weeks to get on our feet (so to speak). The last thing on my mind when I was trying to establish feeding was my mother in laws feelings - it was an achievement having a shower most days. But the tough time passed and as we got into a routine I was happy to take my family visiting and show him off. As much as it upsets you, and I do realise how left out and rejected this has you feeling, try not to get too focussed on it and give the new mum a bit of space to find her feet. If nothing else she will respect you moving forward for the respect you have shown her. I hope you get to cuddle your new grand baby soon and I’m sending you warm wishes OP x

Summerlove

I can’t help thinking you are being a tad pedantic, I think you know what I mean by ‘visitor’ that as a close family member I should be allowed to meet my grandson before the milkman for example!

Thank you Lolo. X

I am afraid after 3 weeks I would say “what day/time is it best for your dad and I to come round and see xxxxx?” No chance to say no just need to pin them down to a day and time. Say you are aware that you don’t want to interrupt feeding but not seeing your new GC is killing you. Your son should be told in no uncertain terms that you are just as important as her parents and if he is starting off like this with her making all the rules he is setting himself up for a bit of trouble. It is HIS child too. Good luck OP. Do t stay too long and upset the precious little DiL?

Maybe I am pedantic , but in a text medium I can only go off your words, and many people feel that family aren’t visitors.

You say your DIL is pumping constantly, knowing how hard that is, I wouldn’t want extra people in my home either.

You obviously feel wronged, and I’m sorry for that, but it seems you dislike your DIL anyway, I’m betting she knows that, and isn’t capable of hosting people who aren’t supporting her at this time.

Your son is sending you photos, you should be pleased he is keeping you informed.

I am afraid after 3 weeks I would say “what day/time is it best for your dad and I to come round and see xxxxx?” No chance to say no just need to pin them down to a day and time.

If someone had attempted to back me into a corner like this, my only response would have been we will let you know when we are ready for visitors

Happygran hasn't stated anywhere that she dislikes her daughter in law.
My own daughter was bossy, but that didn't mean I didn't like her.

Summerlive
This is not just a ‘visitor’ this is her sons child, her grandchild.
Too many precious new mums around nowadays, OP being there won’t make BF any harder!

I think what we have here is a case of mismatched expectations.

It is not your DIL's responsibility to care about your expectations of meeting your GC. She has just given birth. She is having difficulty feeding her baby. She is pumping constantly - and that's not easy for many mothers. She simply may not have an hour to give you because she needs that hour for her own rest and relaxation - and some babies are absolute Velcro babies and refuse to be anywhere apart from Mummy.

The last thing she wants is someone insisting that they have a "right" to meet the baby and that the baby is missing something by their not meeting him.

This is early days yet and she is trying to cope. Your son should be respecting her wishes and protecting her, she is his wife and the mother of his child. That's his top priority. Her needs trump your wants.

How on earth have you concluded that Happygran doesn't like her d.i.l. Summerlove? Would it be reasonable to conclude that her d.i.l. doesn't like her and that's why she still hasn't seen her 3 week old GC?

Of course not.

What GP's who live just a couple of miles away wouldn't be desperate to see their GC for the first time. The OP isn't just a visitor, she's the mother of baby's father; the baby's GM. Just like her d.i.l.'s mother and surely being a GM to this baby is just as important as being an aunt ie her d.i.l.'s sister.

Scentia

Actually, yes, it can make BF harder if DIL feels she is stressed.

This is a visitor. She's not part of their nuclear family, she is now extended family. She is not owed an opportunity to meet the baby, nor is she entitled to have access to their home.

DIL and baby's needs trump Grandma's wants. DIL needs to recover and she needs to feed the baby. Baby needs a mummy who is not constantly stressed. Some women have actually developed PND/PNA as a result of family issues. Grandma wants time to develop a bond with the baby.

Extra people absolutely make breast feeding/pumping harder in early days.

Extra people are visitors.

Yes I secretly think my son should grow a pair to be honest but I know my DIL well and my son hates confrontation.

This sentence by OP is certainly not one made with a lot of like towards DIL.

agnurse
I don’t think OP wants to move in, she wants a 15 minute cuddle with her new GC?
This is a power thing with new mums and it gets my goat.

I love my daughters in law, all three of them; not in the way I love my own daughter naturally but I do my very best to treat them all the same as each other and I lean over backwards to be supportive but to remain in the background.
I never press my opinions or offer advice and I think I am a good MIL in all honesty but yes I am upset at the moment, especially at not getting a five second text to say thanks for the flowers, chocolates, card, balloons, clothes and teddy.

Wow, OP, so you truly feel that your wants trump your DIL's needs and that your son should be advocating for YOU instead of HIS WIFE?

His wife has just undergone a major medical procedure, she is recovering from that, she's having difficulty feeding the baby, she's getting extra support from her family (and I strongly suspect that her mother and sister are there to help her and not just to see the baby), yet you seem to be more insistent on your rights to meet the baby than on her recovery, identifying what you did and expecting that she should do the same.

She may not be as comfortable with you and as willing to let her hair down, so to speak, as she is with her mother and sister. She may feel that you would be judging her or that having you around would be stressful for her.

This is not about you. They didn't have a baby for you. If you tell them how you feel, you could well be setting yourself up to have no contact with this baby at all.

Summerlove

That was a reply to someone saying my son should step up and put his foot down.
My DIL does like to get her own way, none of us are perfect, why does that mean I don’t like her for goodness sake?

Scentia

It's not a power thing. We understand a lot more now about the importance of bonding with a new baby and of protecting the "fourth trimester", the 6 weeks after the baby is born. Keep in mind, too, that women tend to go back to work much earlier now than they used to, meaning that they may want that precious time with their babies.

I highly doubt that DIL is sitting around all day thinking of ways she can keep her husband's mother away from the baby. She's likely trying to pump, feed her baby, recover from the birth, get some sleep when and where she can, and adjust to her new life. A 15-minute grandma cuddle is simply not a priority for her right now, nor should it be.

Well that's just sheer bad manners Happygran and your son should have made sure your gifts were acknowledged.

You sound like a "good MIL" to me and I hope your d.i.l. realises this and both she and your son stop being unreasonable and allow you to see your GC asap.