Guilt over my Mum

Dortie145, without judgement (I swear; I have been there), you state both you and your mother drink too much. If I may give my opinion, do you think that maybe this is the real crux of the problem? So many people have let alcohol ruin their relationships, careers, families and lives. I would urge you to deal with this drinking problem first. Some people can enjoy a drink and have fun, but some people find that alcohol affects them in a far more sinister way. It’s just how some of us are. Listen to Craig Beck on YouTube. He talks about how he learned to deal with his problem. You might find it helpful. A clear head will help you to be more rational when dealing with your mother, too. Alcohol has never, ever made life better or easier for anyone.

Not all of us mums try to make their children feel guilty Hattie. My own mum was selfless and I model myself on her.
Anyway don’t think you need to feel guilty Dortie. Your peace of mind matters too. Did you try to explain to your mum before you left why you were leaving? Feel for you and hope you and your mum can one day sort out what’s going wrong in your relationship.

Dortie145 dont feel guilty because you see others looking after their mothers as nobody knows what goes on in other families. My mum and I were always the best of friends and when she was 87 my DH suggested she moved in with us because he thought it would give me peace of mind. On the days I worked full time I would ring when I got home and often wouldnt get an answer although the phone was next to her chair. So I would go over to her bungalow only to fibd her fast asleep. So she moved in but then as I was coming up to 60 she wanted me to retire because she didnt want to be in our big bungalow all day on her own. So I retired although I hadnt intended to. She lived with us for 11 years in all. She moved abroad with us and most of the time during the next 7 years we got on well but she could be a tartar. It was only then that my DH realised what a rod for my back he had given by having her live with us. We had some humdinger rows and on one occasion my DH said he would drop her at the airport so she could get a flight back to England as she didnt want to be with us. But we certainly got on a lot better than you and your mother. Your Mother doesnt need care so you would do best by moving out into your own place. I am sure you will get on better with each other when you are living apart. Wishing you good luck and give some thought to your drinking. It could get worse living on your own.

I think you’ve been loads better than we were, ( me and my husband). We have been estranged from family for years, my MIL has passed, but no idea about my mum. Hopefully, living apart may restore your relationship and bring you both peace.

One or two horrible posts on here and there is no need. Dortie came on here for support not to be knocked back. Don't take any notice of them Dortie, take note of the positive posts.

My mum was 88 when she moved in with me due to her being in very bad health. We never did have much in common but I did come to understand her more during those years. Not to say they were easy, her moods were up and down and I lost a stone in weight nursing her. If she had been in good health, we would never have lived together. So don't feel guilty, your sanity is more important.

If you really want to try at a good relationship have you thought about Relate sessions? They are nation wide. Just a thought.

The way I see it, I had kids because I wanted to - not so that they would sacrifice their own lives to look after me in old age. Yes, I've helped and supported them, (I wanted to) but they owe me nothing at all. They wouldn't exist if I hadn't had them! I enjoy their visits but I'd never want them to look after me - I'd feel so guilty!

Move out and deal with your drinking, Dortie, for your own sake.

That is wonderful that your mother is in good health and good finances. What have you to feel guilty about?

We’re between three 92 year old olds, adult children and grandchildren. Trying to fulfill everyone’s needs, the only time we can concentrate on us is when we’re on holiday. Luckily DH’s parents have three other sons living nearby.
Dortie145, try not to feel guilty, I know it’s easily said and less easy to actually not feel guilty, but you have a right to your life too. Your mother is still independent, enjoy your own life while you can, you don’t know what’s in the future.

Hetty58 how true. Even befire my DM died one of my DDs said "I am sorry Mum but I could never look after you like you have looked after Nan". My reply was I will never want any of you to look after me. I didn't have children for that reason and I am sure my mother didn't have either. As much as I love my children I could never bear to be dependant on them or even live in their homes. It looks now as if the place I will end up is in a hospice if anywhere.

I think it is selfish not to plan for extreme old age.

How much longer do you think she is going to carry on being fit and healthy? She's 88 after all. You might move out and then find you need to move back in again. Is there any way you could split the house in two so that you can each have your own separate spaces which you obviously both need and then if a time does come when she needs more help you will be on hand?

You sound as if you could be similar personalities, drinking and shouting sounds awful especially as you are both old enough to have worked it out by now. Hopefully she won't need your help as she gets even older! I'm sure she would prefer a peaceful home as much as you would so no need to feel guilty.

greymar how have you planned for your extreme old age?

My MIL was fine and out walking every day, then suddenly due to a stroke , she wasn’t . She has Vascular Dementia.

The plan was that there was enough money, if she ever needed care, that somebody could be paid to live in and care for her.
Due to her mental condition, she refused to let anyone in except for her DD, who is in her 70s and in ill health.
All the plans unravelled, she is now in a nursing home, confused and scared and it’s distressing to see, she wants to go home , but the house has been sold to pay for her Nursing care.
In an ideal world we would all be able to make plans and be able to see them through.
Sometimes life jumps up and bites you.

The plans I'm talking about involve an open and honest discussion with family while the person is able. Up for discussion could be views re care at home/ residential setting. Also POA, wills, wishes.

And I will be having those conversations. The alternative is cruel.

Sadly some Mums and daughters just do NOT mix well!

My daughter hs had to come home for serious MH Issues, she is 27 and I can see her festering in the bedroom upstairs forever now, we have had troubles since teenage years and it is very sad, but her behaviour because of the EUPD she has is horrendous and so difficult to live with. My BP has been rising steadily over the last year and I also have many other illnesses going on and I honestly feel that I will be lucky to hit 60 (58 shortly) Because of her moving in I have lost a great deal of my income and we are possibly going to have to move as a result. I feel as though the life I have left is going to be one of absolute bloody misery, more than it is at the moment - she isn't able to see a future for herself either which is terribly sad in one so young, and I do not know how to help her. Nearly everything she does and says is generally nasty and it is taking it's toll, it is awful for her too, don't get me wrong, it is her condition, but it is so difficult to show affection when you are constantly bombarded with what amounts to hatred as she sees me as causing it! It is horrible not having anything to look forward to, but I really haven't as I can't afford to do anything either dortie145 Good luck xx

Thank you all so much for each and every one of your posts Even the one hiding me for shouting at my Mum at my age you were right ! I am so grateful to you all I cant talk about this to my friends partly because I have none close by and also because they have lost theirs and think I am lucky mine is still alive as I do really. We just cant live together. To those who care in their own homes I think you are amazing it must be so hard and you cant just leave. However it is your own home I get told my home, my rules, ask if you want to change something,even if it is a huge improvement in comfort,cleanliness and ease of living lol. Anyway I am going to embrace my move turn my small space into a cosy retreat and it is a stones throw from the beach cant be bad. This is the first time I have posted Probably wont be the last and if I can be of any help to anyone else I am there I have lived a life less ordinary x

Are the rows because one or both of you have irritating habits, or are the rows because one of you is disappointed the other is not the person she would like her to be?

Whether or not you move out to a bedsit it may feel to you and your mother a great pity you did not related better to each other. you will be sorry after she is dead.

Could you possibly tell her you are very sorry for your bad tempers which are due to your personal worries, and suggest you keep to your own room in her house when you are drunk?

Oh goodness I am lucky that my daughter is married successful own house and I have a Grandaughter. But we dont get on either lol very volatile and we have walked out on each other at various occasions many times My financial problems stemmed from paying for her accommodation at Uni and struggling to pay our own bill's but I dont regret it I have also given her deposit money for her house through our house sales I have nothing now and live on what I earn. Life at my Mums is bill free but very difficult. One thing I have learned is nothing stays the same, perhaps your daughter could get a low cost accommodation with your support? Of course I could be talking out of my proverbial I dont know what the abvs for her condition are? My son lived with us until he was 29 free usually he is complex and suffers from depression but when I left my husband he had to fend for himself and has done with the aid of his lovely girlfriend and a job he loves I so appreciate your good luck wishes I send you the same it's not an easy life is it but with kind support a little easier Thank You x

Dortie - consider that we can make the choice to not drink and not to argue.

Thank you very true

Done that but it is her that does a bottle of Whisky in two days I have my moments but hers are constant

In a perfect life but as I have intimated I am not perfect

Thank you BarneyoldBat but I will take it all onboard