Tricky situation with nephew & birthdays

Hmmm, I would play it by ear. Does the baby’s mother send birthday or Christmas cards to you ? The baby is innocent in all this so maybe a small age appropriate gift with a nice card? It shows that you are willing to be friendly and keeping the door open for some sort of relationship. Give it a try and if there is no response after a few tries then give it up. It’s possible the baby would never see the gift and it would end up on eBay! It’s possible that the baby will be raised with tales of how awful you are etc etc, whatever you choose to do. So give it a try and see what response if any you get from the mother. Then use your gut instinct to see how to proceed from there. I feel this would be the kindest way to behave towards an innocent child who may welcome some interaction from their auntie. At least you will have tried and if it doesn’t work out then you can walk away with a clear conscience.

I have to agree you answered your own question. I don't have the best relationship with my SIL but I won't stop buying my niece or nephew pressies. Why should I?

You either want to give or send the baby a present or you don't. Any thing else overcomplicates this whole situation. You never know, the Mother of child might be quite nice and welcoming, as she is from a different family!!

How is the relationship with the mother of the child?
This baby is not guilty of anything.

You are not able to separate this baby and his/her mother from your brother's past relationship with you.

If you are not able to give this baby and his/her mother a fair and realistic chance, step aside.

Furthermore, I see diferent issues here.

1. Your brother's relationship with your kids
You admit the real purpose of buying presents for his kid - you enjoyed buying presents for your niece. So you did it for yourself, it brought you happiness .

As for returning the favour for your own adult children - I think it is selfish of you because you expected to be reciprocated - strings attached- and your kids are adults.
If they were offended they didn't get a present, they could talk to their uncle.

2. You seem very jealous of your brother.
Him remarrying and having another kid was his life decision. He lived his life the way be wanted.
You seem to resent it.

3. You also have a big issue with your relationship with your mother.

Thank you everyone for all your comments.

It's true I have a big issue with the relationship with my mother as I was almost taken into care as a 4 yr old and only my Auntie stepping in prevented that. I lived with her for 5 years.

I tried to establish present or card giving over the years with my brother but he was never very interested so I gave up. It's ok too if people don't want presents.

We are not a close family. I don't expect to visit my nephew or have any kind of relationship with him apart from potentially being an Aunt who sends things from time to time.

I found it hard as my brother smoked and the baby's mum smoked & they are not choices I would make when given a gift of a baby especially if I had waited so long. Previously he has run up huge debt by not paying parking tickets that my mum bailed him out with- on more than one occasion. (more like 20 occasions) She payed his rent for him even though we was working but wanted to live somewhere more nice. (that cost more) He would unload his shopping and not bother to put it away so the frozen stuff all melted - I could go on. Over many years. We grew apart because I didn't understand his life choices.

I was well aware how much he desperately wanted a baby - even though he didn't even care properly for the dog he had.

I've never been jealous of him - both my other brother and I knew he was the favourite - that was how it was. I'm just really struggling with this girl who we hardly know coming in and telling us how things are. Perhaps I should be more charitable.

Perhaps its lovely that this grandchild gets a house given to them and yet my daughter has to go and work on the frontline for the NHS whilst also caring for her baby. (a few months younger) Perhaps I'm annoyed because I'd love to have been given a house my by mother in law so that I didn't have to work when I had my children. I'd love to be able to give my daughter a house so that she didn't have to go to work too. Perhaps I'm annoyed that not only is her rent being paid but my mum is also giving her an extra lot of rent money in cash (and she is taking it) whilst my mum cannot even afford a new pair of slippers.

I think the brunt of it is that I am annoyed. I am angry. I am so so cross about it all. Of course the strength of my feeling really tells me it's not about this at all but probably about how the 4 year old me was let down by my mother and how I still struggle to deal with that.

You have the right to be angry.
I hear where you are coming from.

You have not been treated by your mother and brothers like you deserve.

If anything, that poor baby also got shorthanded in life.

Count your blessings- you have your own family, gc and friends who support you.

Why not just send a birthday card? You don’t know the child very well (I think from reading your post) so I don’t see the need to start buying presents.

You don't particularly like this child's mother and it sounds as if she doesn't really like her late husband's family either.

So why start sending the child a present?

You are not likely to see this child, are you?

Don't send presents, and don't agonise about not doing so.

If at some point the child and his mother get in touch, you can review the situation then.

A card would be inoccous enough

Then if there is no answers and you seek peace inside yourself, cut your self off. Let this go.
Not many people have perfect families or up bringings. The only way to get answers is to confront your Mum why the favouritism? Why the abandonment? Why the lack of knowledge that you had needs? Write a letter and even if you don't send it, rip it up, let your anger out.

But you are a better person then what your mother has ever been, so let her live in her bubble. I wonder what will happen when she will becomes really needy?
Life isn't all about money and you know that, it's more about support, love and being there for each other. Breathe, your not that little girl who longs for her loving mother. You are that loving mother which is more than your mum can ever say. Let them and this go.

Nannan2 I get confused with all the DC DDS DDIL ,surely they can't all be darlings & far easier to just type who people are typing about!

Why not just send a really nice card every year, with your address in? This shows the child you have remembered her birthday and that you exist if she should ever wish to find you when she's older and more curious . Once you get on the gifting treadmill, you can't get off.
Simples.

P.S. I really struggle to understand all these abbreviations too. I'm glad it's not just me. OH? DH?...

I don’t use the abbreviations Flygirl and Baloothefitz because I also find them irritating and often confusing (and if I’m honest, rather twee). I don’t call everyone “dear” in real life after all!

rizlet - I think the pain you feel needs addressing and personally I think counselling would help you. The baby is really nothing directly to do with your pain, but they are further evidence of the favouritism your mother has shown for your brother. This is maybe why you feel as you do.
Please seek counselling, and meanwhile just keep the relationship in the background till you really understand what you want. I still think a small book token in a card is a good idea.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

Yep, this is far more complicated than should you send your deceased brother's child a birthday present. The obvious answer to that is no, you are not obliged to.

Your later post, suggests the anguish you are going through as a result of your mother's behaviour. (nothing to do with the child in question)

I agree, you need to speak to people more qualified that anyone on here can do.

I wish you lots of luck and happiness for the future.