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Partner buying joint presents with wife

(149 Posts)
Jillybird Fri 01-May-20 11:56:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glammanana Fri 01-May-20 15:18:48

There is nothing worse than a mean man luckily I have never had that problem.

Doodledog Fri 01-May-20 15:37:08

What strikes me, more than the amount of money involved, is that he read you a text from his wife, as though she has the last word.

Does he make a habit of this? Is he using her as some sort of benchmark for you to live up to? If so, I understand your discomfort.

I'm not suggesting that you both pretend that she doesn't exist, and she is the mother of his son, so the fact that they are sending a joint present, while odd (IMO), needn't necessarily be worth getting upset over. It would annoy me, however, if after I had expressed an opinion about something, someone else's opinion (probably particularly an ex-wife's opinion) was used to 'trump' mine. There was no need for him to read out her text, and I would be unhappy if this sort of thing happened on anything like a regular basis.

AGAA4 Fri 01-May-20 15:45:23

It seems you have different ideas on monetary gifts. You sound quite generous and he is mean. Mean people never believe they are mean. They think they are careful with money.
I would just leave him to it and many separated couples go halves on presents so not unusual.

Baggs Fri 01-May-20 15:56:49

This thread is a revelation to me. I never expected anything more than what many of you would call a mean gift, such as a book (novel) from my parents on my birthday. It never occurred to me to think them mean, because they weren't. It's only a birthday! What's the big deal? Surely a token of regard between adults is all that's necessary?

Jillybird Fri 01-May-20 16:22:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marmight Fri 01-May-20 16:58:26

By the time it gets to Aus with Bank charges & exchange rates (unless he’s sending cash which is always a bit dodgy) it will be less than £30!

Babyshark Fri 01-May-20 17:22:11

I agree the amount is mean but not at all odd that they do presents jointly. From the ex wife’s pov they have done joint presents and this year you are interfering?

Don’t shoot me down, just other perspective. Just because you find it odd doesn’t mean they do and from this thread it’s clear it’s not unheard of. Leave them to make decisions about their children I say and if you like his son, send him a separate gift or card maybe? Definitely don’t let it upset you, I don’t think there is any malice in it.

SueH49 Sat 02-May-20 05:59:55

Just as a matter of interest 30GBP equates to $50 AUD at today's rate. May not be the most generous gift but it's not a miserable one either.

The thing that would concern me OP is that if you have met and like the son, as his father's long term partner, you probably would like to be included in the gift giving. It seems as things are you have been excluded from that.

Callistemon Sat 02-May-20 09:35:46

It was A$2 to the GBP at Easter, so would be nearly A$60 then and I think it's about the same now.

I think it would be nice to have been included; a gift from his father and you and another from his mother and step-father.

jazz1 Sat 02-May-20 09:37:59

You are lucky if this is the biggest problemin your life right now

Callistemon Sat 02-May-20 09:41:19

jazz1 I dont think you have understood.

It's not really about the money or the amount, it's about the relationship.
Although being with someone you think is mean could be unsettling too.

Many relationships may be strengthened right now, others may become more fragile as emotions are heightened.

Arry Sat 02-May-20 09:42:40

It's all relevant isn't it. £30 may be 'pocket money' to some,but for others struggling on a low budget it's a lot of money

Froglady Sat 02-May-20 09:43:51

Maybe the son has a brilliant salary and doesn't actually need more money. Does your other half interfere in what you send to your children ?

Pennylane4711 Sat 02-May-20 09:47:50

Regardless of whose money it is I would be a little upset that having heard my feelings on the subject he sided with his ex. I too would send £30 making the total gift £60.

BusterTank Sat 02-May-20 09:48:26

I suppose you find it a bit deceitful being he has never mentioned he is still in contact with his wife . This will also send your mind into overdrive thinking what else he is keeping from . As for the birthday gift , the son is probably not expecting much being he is such a tight arse .

Canklekitten Sat 02-May-20 09:48:29

He sounds mean and rather controlling, if you don't mind me saying so. And on another point ... the fact that he is still married to his ex means that if he should pop off at any time his ex will benefit from his estate and not you!! Just a thought.

Harris27 Sat 02-May-20 09:50:21

I’m on a limited income and send that a,Lunt to my sons and grandkids alike in a special birthday would send more but each to their own I’d say. Think £30 going halves is tight.

Seefah Sat 02-May-20 09:55:02

If it was me and I liked his son I’d send £30 from me lol.

Juicylucy Sat 02-May-20 09:55:43

My spin on this situation is, as in general men always leave birthday/ Christmas presents to the women to sort out, I feel he was happy for her to make that comment as it didn’t make him look mean as it was same amount he was thinking of so he told you. On special birthdays we ( my ex) often do joint money for DDS and GDs doesn’t bother either side of family as they are after all our children. Just a thought, if as you say, you like him a lot why don’t you pop a £20 in to make it up to £50 cos Australia far more expensive than UK.

harrigran Sat 02-May-20 09:56:23

TBH I wouldn't bother, sending £30 to Australia is more bother than it is worth.

chickkygran Sat 02-May-20 09:56:27

Couple of thoughts, in my experience men aren't very good at sorting out presents and maybe your OH relies on his "ex wife" to make the decision on these things. However, I think he should really discuss it with you and yes I feel £30 is extremely mean. But at the end of the day, we should be grateful for any gift

25Avalon Sat 02-May-20 09:57:48

This isn’t really about the money. It may just be a “token” present that has been agreed on by all involved. The shock here is finding he still has a relationship with his ex?wife that you were obviously unaware of. It may be meaningless to him but to you it is a betrayal that undermines your life together. As well as being on the mean side he is also very insensitive. I think you need to have a good long chat. Read all the comments on her and think about what it is you want before doing any more.

Seefah Sat 02-May-20 09:59:05

My first husband was mean ! His ex wife left him because of it and so did I. I dislike meanness more than anything !

25Avalon Sat 02-May-20 09:59:53

Here not her but maybe that too.

Annaram1 Sat 02-May-20 10:01:39

I am going against the trend here. The son is 42, not 12. Why are his parents still sending him money? I think they should only send a card these days, to show they are thinking about him. If they want to send a gift. then perhaps a voucher from an online shopping company. He is probably working and the money will mean nothing to him. If he is unemployed then its a different matter.