Taken for Granted

Aggie...I am not hoodwinking anyone.

Hithere... I have known the lady since school...40 years. I was taking up a friendship with her again. I was supporting someone who genuinely does have Cancer for a second time...there is no lie there. I live in a bungalow...I wasn't showing them around my home. My bedroom door was open which was facing the entrance to my home. They commented on how nice my bedroom was and liked the Wardrobes. Only then did I say I was looking to replace the wardrobes. Her partner then asked what I was going to do with the present wardrobes and I said I was going to put them on the tip...at that point he said they would have them. But, I did not like him opening the wardrobe nearest the door.
As for the GO FUND ME PAGE she needed to request releasing her hospital papers and forward them onto California first...she told me she was not ready for the GO FUND ME PAGE yet until the hospital in California would accept her...also there would be problems with flying to California what with the Coronavirus and being let into the country... This was only last week we spoke about it.
I would have no problem with someone else doing the GO FUND ME page if she had just had the decency
to let me know and consider my feelings. Believe me I am no fool... I am kind and helpful...sadly people mistake that for a weekness and get a shock when they cross me. I was asking for people's opinion on it...not to be judged.

Lemsip...you are right there...I do get very involved. I have been told I am a very good person to have around if things go wrong in people's lives. I suppose I try to rescue them from all pain & hurt and stress. Really, I am acting out what I would have liked others to do for me when in need of help & support in my life but never got it. I never got my needs met as a child and do not have a supportive family.

TrendyNannie6...thank you for your kind words. I take so much and then there is no going back. I think what has kept me there is the fact that she has got Cancer...and struggled to turn my back on someone with this terrible illness. But, it does not give anyone an excuse to treat someone who is good to you badly. I do struggle with why if someone is good to you would you want to treat them so bad. Maybe it's because I haven't had many people do good by me...and I do appreciate and dont forget them people when they do good by me.

Bluebelle... it was the idea she was continuing to send me emails for further photocopying...nothing to do with what I said i'd copy for her and not asking if I mind. No consideration and at that point I was coming to the point of enough is enough... your now taking the piss!

sodapop... It wasn't someone I barely knew..and I wasn't giving the run of my home!

Donna

You are getting mad at the wrong people

You wrote
"I remember years ago a lady I met said to me...' I and others could quite easily take you for granted.'"
So this may have happen before and she was warning you?
You are making the same mistake again

"Over the last two years I have caught up with a lady I went to school with on Facebook."
Even though you met this lady 40 years ago, you only reconnected 2 years ago.
How well do you really know her?

It is not your fault she has cancer. Why are you trying to overcompensate for something it is not your fault?

Why do you feel you must give your all to people ? That is not how friendship works.

You are in a fixed income throwing out money that should not be invested in trying to buy other's affections

Dont mask it under "I am generous".
There is something very dysfunctional under the surface and it shows in all the red flags in your posts.

You deserve friends who love for who you are, not what you give them.

A best friend would be very uncomfortable accepting the things you have purchased for this couple.

A best friend would be very uncomfortable accepting the things you have purchased for this couple, interesting comment as it mirrors my thoughts. Perhaps they do not want your help? Maybe they asked the son to set up the Go Fund Me Page as they feel you are intruding, offering more than they want, rushing over with photocopied pieces of paper....please do not take this the wrong way, you are obviously a kind person, but maybe they wish to deal with her illness by themselves and not try to make you feel better by accepting gifts, some of which they may not even want? Maybe just leave this family to deal with the woman's illness in private?

She's a con artist. Kick her into touch. She took advantage of your kind nature.

Hithere... the lady in question did not have a very good start in life. In tragic circumstances she became the Mother figure to her younger brothers when she was 17... literally bringing them up herself. Through life that role she has carried on even with her partners family...everyone turns to her for help. But when it comes to her own problems etc she does not get the support & thought she deserves. Which usually happens when you come across as the strong one...people just think you can manage your own problems and that is not always the case. Things that she has told me in the latter weeks her immediate family could have done more for her and haven't. But, she has played a part in it herself as she has brought up her children to just think about themselves and not give her thought...now that she needs it most. The buying of the bed was a one off ...something bought for her for a change although it was not my responsibility.
To be honest with myself...my friendships have always started based on someone struggling and me helping them. The relationship then continues unbalanced based on what I can do for them and not getting much back. I am the eldest of 7 children and I did not have much of a childhood. Used as mum's support system...seeing and doing things I should never have done as a child. My needs as a child where never met...it was disfunctional.

gillT7... the son would not of thought to do a Go FUND ME page...he is a selfish brat! He gives his mum a terrible time...even now when she does not need it. It was his wife who has done the GO FUND ME page. But what happens is I tend to show people up...honestly not meaning too and never my intention. I think probably someone has said to her when she has mentioned what I was going to do for her...that it should be a family member who should that for you...although they would not have give it a thought to do. And then she has mentioned it in the family and the daughter in law has taken over. And honestly that would have been fine...but, she has never contacted me to tell me that or do you mind? The first I knew is when I have received a message on whatsapp asking me to contribute to the GO FUND ME PAGE.

vampirequeen... I have now unfriended her, blocked her. xx

Good for you. You don't need someone like that in your life.

I was going to say block her on absolutely everything, phone, facebook etc and return any post. I'm not sure if she is actually a con artist, or just taking advantage of someone who is (possibly) too generous for her own good, but either way she is not someone you should have in your life.

donna1964 I think you deserve real two-way friendships and this was not really one of those.

Maybe when life is a bit more “normal” you might consider joining a group activity somewhere where you will meet new people? I sense you would be a kind and thoughtful friend to someone and need to enjoy your friendships based on laughter and mutual interests.

Please ask yourself each time you meet someone new (or reconnect with them) “am I trying to rescue them?”
If you are, this may not be a true friendship developing and you should maybe back away.

I wish you good luck, and happier times ahead.

Stop! just stop and get them out of your life and if you find that hard get professional help to do so. A solicitors letter maybe.

Donna

Her past is NOT your fault.

So many of us didn't have the childhood and attention we deserved as kids

As adults, it is up to us to deal with our dysfunctional ways and fix them

What you describe is not friendship but a voluntary parasitical relationship
They suck you dry till you get fed up and move on to the next person to get your needs covered.
Guess what - they won't ever get fulfilled.
What you are doing is trying to fill a void and it won't ever end unless you go to therapy and learn a better way to cope with your past

Hithere...I have had plenty of therapy...believe me. I have had enough therapy to just live day to day things have been that bad. But, despite it all in some cases I always blame myself. That has come from my childhood...as I was the scapegoat. I was blamed for everything by my Mother and Father..they did a good job on me and I can't seem to break the cycle. That said I am not like this with everyone. I do stand up for myself...when I was 40 I had a break down...I was so ill. I made a promise to myself that NO ONE will speak to me like crap again...I will not tolerate disrespect!! My toleration levels are not what they were...people are told in no uncertain terms. But what you find is when you do this...people don't like it! Because although you have worked on yourself...many haven't and then want to either reflect their problem back onto you or transfer the problem...which is frustrating. There is a lot of people out there who need to take a good look at themselves but wont. I know my shortcomings...but my shortcomings harm no one but myself. Yes I do have a void...I never had children...I would have loved to have my own children. I have never married either...I was going through too much and kept it a secret and tried to be normal...what 'normal' is??? I have had plenty of boyfriends in life but when I look back a lot of them where going through something when we met, lost confidence. I built them back up and then they went on their way...some leaving me behind and married the next person they met. Some have wanted me back but done me too much harm I would not go back. I have dealt with everything alone..but in a lot of ways it has made me stronger. I could write a book and it would be a bestseller

Donna1964

You sound like a kind and decent person who has been taken advantage of many times over.

It’s now time to try to be kind to yourself. My dear old Dad used to say “charity begins at home!

You sound like a very giving person. But perhaps when things return to normality instead of lavishing your kindness on one person you might enjoy some kind of organised charity work.

This would allow you to be the good person you clearly are but without the risk of someone taking advantage of your good nature.

But for now use this time to relax and take care of yourself ?

Donna1964, I think we are from similar backgrounds. Although posters are very kind in taking time to post a message, if you arent from a dysfunctional background you don't realise you have been given a gift.

Children from dysfunctional families are damaged in many different ways. In your case you were the scapegoat so you're automatically blaming yourself. You recognise the pain of nobody being there for you, so when your friend who struggles asking for help, it was a compliment she could ask you as you're approachable. Most people like helping others when they go through tough times, so don't beat yourself up. Lots of people find it difficult saying no when asked for help.

The issue seems to be you're not happy with how much help you gave. Again, people from dysfunctional families find it very difficult to set boundaries.

I love what a previous lady said, that friends are chosen for their personality and not for what they give.

I agree with your point about you doing work on yourself, but keep on meeting people who don't do any work on themselves. People find it easier to blame others or gossip/put others down rather than look inside.

ineedamum...thank you for your reply. You have it in one! I was brought up to look after everyone but myself...I have done it well. I come from a good place...I mean well and it has kept me busy over the years. ... I hate to see someone hurt, upset or taken advantage of ...But it does attract the wrong sort. xx

Grannynannywanny... thank you for your reply. I am decent...I would help anyone. I live by my conscience. All I want is a bit of respect & appreciation. Some people mistake my kindness for a weakness and get the shock of their lives when I have taken enough and they get my wrath or I just cut them off. I am not as soft as I may seem . I have done charity work and voluntary work..but I worry about people and don't know when to switch off. I feel so much for the homeless...I buy them something to eat & drink when I can. I have bought medicine for them when they have had a really bad cough..I have gone out on cold nights with duvets & blankets I may have and took them to hostels in my car or I get in touch with outreach workers & Councils and get them to do their jobs and go out to the homeless. I will leave money to the Homeless when my times up xx

NotSpaghetti... thank you for your lovely reply. A two way friendship full of laughter and mutual respect, shared interests would be great. I love to laugh and see the funny side of life..I have had some very funny people in my life and I have loved it...we have had some hysterical times together. Sadly those people have passed...but you never forget them and the laughs you have had together.
Thank you for your good wishes & happier times. I wish you all the happiness and good health for the future xx

Donna

If you feel you are doing the right thing and are happy to be so generous, why are you posting if you are taken for granted?

are you aware of the theory of co-dependence. read up on it.
trying to rescue people, making relationships based on helping people, doing too much and then getting resentful for not being appreciated...
it can be a very tangled web to get out of.
of course it is good to care about other people's welfare, but we have to be careful that we are not trying to buy loyalty. that's one reason why it's better to do it as part of a group.
also for your own safety, psychological as well as physical.
look how enmeshed you got with expectations re that woman; feeling that she owed you an explanation for allowing someone else to set up that page, when it had been your idea, as if you had copyright on it. as if she had been disloyal to you. can you see how off-beam that thinking is.

look up co-dependence. i know whereof i speak. good luck.