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Taken for Granted

(62 Posts)
donna1964 Wed 13-May-20 12:32:32

Hi everyone, I am a newby on here and would like your honest advice.
I try to support and help people when I can...simply because I have not had a great support in my life and knows how it feels. I remember years ago a lady I met said to me...' I and others could quite easily take you for granted.' That has stayed with me for many years and pops its head up from time to time. Over the last two years I have caught up with a lady I went to school with on Facebook. She developed breast cancer when we first started communicating, had all her treatment and just wanted to get back to normal. Towards the end of last year our communication died down a bit until her partner messaged me to say the Cancer had returned. I contacted her and went to see her for the first time at her home taking with me a gift box put together by myself of all Self Care items which she thanked me for. Whilst there our conversation turned to buying a new bed...she told me that someone was selling a nearly new bed automatic one which would help her if she needed to have her own bed in the future. When I got home I could not get her out of my mind ...thinking what else can I do to help her? A week later it come to me...I messaged her and asked her if the bed was still if available...which it I transferred the money over for her to buy the bed. She thanked me again....weeks later I was talking to her on Facebook and she was telling me she wasn't getting much the time I was looking to order online one of those therapy blankets for my Dad who also is not well. I asked for her address to send her one...she told me she had one and that they were good. So I said ok I will leave it. She then said 'Oh I will still have it' so I sent her a new therapy blanket and said it would be a birthday present as her birthday was coming up. A week later she messaged me and asked me to lend her a couple of hundred pound! I was shocked as we had not been that close and was still developing a friendship. I was not happy about that request as it was putting me on the spot and I have had bad experiences of lending money out and not getting it back. Bare in mind that I have now retired and have to live of what I have. I told her this and that any spare money was in a bank account that I cannot access for a while. A couple of days later she apologised and said she did not know why she had asked me. A couple of weeks after that her and her partner where in my area and I invited them for their lunch and went and picked them up. They were having a look around my home complimenting me on certain furnishings that I have and then in the Bedroom they were looking at my wardrobes as I said I was looking to replace them. Her partner said...'we will have your old ones and started opening my wardrobes'!. Weeks later I have had a number of problems but she never phones me to see how I am...I have always telephoned her. Then she text me to tell me about a new research in treatment taken place in California that could help her. I read up on it and advised her to get in touch with the hospital involved to see if they could help. I said if so we could do a 'GO FUND ME' page to help with fees & cost and I would do that for her...which she agreed..... So I encouraged her to take things further. She needed forms and information printing off from the hospital involved. I told her I had a Printer and would print the forms off for her...which where many pages. A number of occasions after that she emailed me then with...can you print off this shopping voucher etc etc...not do you mind? I was talking to my aunty one day about this situation and she said to me...this girl is taking the piss with are being too soft with her. ...would she do this for you? Her last email for me to photocopy stuff for ink ran out and so I just photocopied what I could...which wasn't everything. I was then travelling in total approx 4O miles to give it to her. At that point I was going through very upsetting times...but she never picked a phone up to see if I was ok...only once on Facebook. I never heard from her then. Today I received a whatsapp message asking me to contribute to a GO FUND ME page that her sons partner has now done for her!! She has give no thought to my feelings as I was meant to do this for her and I was the one to encourage her to take things further over new treatment. If she had just messaged me to say...'I know you were gonna do a GO FUND ME PAGE but my sons partner wants to do it...I would have been ok about it. But to say nothing but ask me to contribute...I am upset ...and feel like she has taken me for a fool. Is it me being too sensitive?, Should I ignore the unbalance in our friendship because of her illness? All I want out of life is a bit of respect and to be treated fairly and not be taken for a fool...Is that asking for too much? Thanks in advance for any replies. xxx

aggie Wed 13-May-20 12:40:45

Please put her out of your mind and do not contact her again , this reads like a scam , whether it is her hoodwinking you or you us I am not sure

tanith Wed 13-May-20 12:55:00

For goodness sake she’s taken you for a ride for sure ignore her and don’t reply to her anymore.

rosenoir Wed 13-May-20 12:58:35

I think you know you are being taken for a fool. What is making you continue contact with her?

If it were me I would send a text saying that I felt used and never to contact me again.

Hithere Wed 13-May-20 13:19:21

I am confused

Your actions and words say two different things.

You say you were beginning to have a friendship but you behaved like a best friend- buying the bed frame for her, the therapy blanket, printing everything she wanted, etc.
The wardrobe situation also gives mixed signals, given the past history of giving them so many things.
They like it, you say you want to replace them and assumptions of them keeping them fly - they knew you would probably give it to them..
Did you correct them on the spot? Say no, they are not for you?

I think they saw you are a very generous person and they knew you would support them no matter what.

I would wish them well and stop having contact with them.

Are you taken for granted? Yes, they did but this is also a you problem as you never placed reasonable boundaries with them.

EllanVannin Wed 13-May-20 13:30:58

What a liberty ! Two words to her and the last one would be " off ".

Hithere Wed 13-May-20 13:32:10

Some people have several go fund me pages open for them by several people.
The truth is that you suggested it, you didn't get to it so somebody else did it instead

I find it strange you got mad.

Isn't the purpose what matters - for her to get the money she needs for the treatment (allegedly) vs you doing it for you?

Are you aware of codependency is?

Btw, I do believe they are scamming you and she might not even be sick.

Violettham Wed 13-May-20 13:40:00

You have gone above and beyond I do believe you are being taken for a fool I would stop all contact.

lemsip Wed 13-May-20 13:44:25

by the length of your message and the content I think you should not have got so involved in the first place, you can't be someone's saviour! always know when to pull back!!

lemongrove Wed 13-May-20 13:44:33

When help and support only go one way, that’s when you know you are being taken for granted.
On the other hand, you are annoyed that others are helping her.Do you enjoy being a benefactor?Think about it.

Grannynannywanny Wed 13-May-20 13:45:05

Donna sorry to sound harsh but you should have listened to your aunty’s advice

As for her go fund me page ignore it. If it’s questioned by this pair then simply tell them you have no spare cash due to the amount you’ve already spent on her.

BlueBelle Wed 13-May-20 13:48:36

But dear donna people can only take liberties if you allow them too
You have absolutely showered this lady with your generosity although you knew her only vaguely and then you wonder why she’s taking advantage of you
It’s a match made in heaven a ‘taker‘ meets an over generous giver she must have thought all her birthday had come at once
Be thankful someone else has set up a ‘go fund page‘ for her and move on, please do move on, there will be much more deserving cases .... like yourself even
There is a big difference between generosity and foolishness and in your quest to help this lady you have stepped from one to the other
I did wonder that too hithere

quizqueen Wed 13-May-20 13:55:41

This woman and her husband are what mumsnet call CFs, and, I'm afraid I would have to say you have been taken for a fool and a sucker for a hard luck story. Find better friends who are not just users.

GillT57 Wed 13-May-20 14:20:30

You are obviously a generous person and this 'old friend' and her partner have taken advantage, although it has to be said that buying a bed for someone you barely know is a bit odd. I would stop contacting these people, they don't see you as a friend. Maybe take your caring nature to somewhere it won't be abused? Volunteer for a day centre or a charity.

seacliff Wed 13-May-20 14:32:53

aggie, I wondered that too. Wasn't sure.

Donna I don't know if you always go around buying expensive presents for people you hardly know. But yes, you are absolutely being ripped off. Walk away, have nothing more to do with them.

TrendyNannie6 Wed 13-May-20 14:34:01

You are obviously a softhearted caring lovely person, who has been taken for a ride, you bought her a bed and that was very kind of you, it seems you are one of life’s givers, which is all very well on some aspects but this has gone to far, and these people are really taking you for a mug, I would cut them out of your life, they are not friends, they are users Donna1964. You don’t need people in your life like this

BlueBelle Wed 13-May-20 14:36:15

Reading your post again I find it even more strange ... she contracted cancer around the time you picked up the friendship !! did you ever see the bed in situ that you bought For her .....she had heard of someone selling one, how lucky it was still available a week later when you sent her the money
You were showing them around you home and in your bedroom !!! Is that normal, perhaps it’s me but I ve never taken people round to look at my bedroom, if they ve called in for coffee or a meal. He, the partner opened your wardrobes? didn’t that alert you to the type of people they were
You have spent out large chunks of money but worry about a bit of photocopying, none of this makes sense to an outsider

I m afraid I m very suspicious of this ladies illness

Are you still looking at the thread Donna?

Redhead56 Wed 13-May-20 14:41:23

Having an illness does not give someone a licence to use people. Clearly they have both taken you for a ride. Don't reply to any messages but if they do manage to catch up with you tell them you are busy. You have personal things to sort out and that's your priority. Get on with your own life and don't give them a second thought they don't deserve it. As others have said your kind nature will be appreciated by genuine people.

AGAA4 Wed 13-May-20 15:18:40

Many of us go through serious illness. My friends brought me flowers and chocolate cake and I would never have accepted anything more than that as I believe most wouldn't.

These people are users. They are only interested in what you can give them. Have nothing more to do with them. They are playing on your good nature.

Hithere Wed 13-May-20 15:42:42

The more I think about it, they are not taking advantage of you.

They are just following your lead.

annodomini Wed 13-May-20 16:28:26

Haven't you noticed that she only contacts you when she wants something? She really saw you coming!

Toadinthehole Wed 13-May-20 16:38:03

There are two types of people......givers and takers. It sounds like you’ve stumbled upon a taker. I would cut all contact now, just explaining that you’ve done what you can, but don’t want to continue. If she doesn’t accept/ understand, just show her your post and all the responses. There are plenty of caring people out there, you’ll spot them because they won’t constantly be asking for things.

Grannyjay Wed 13-May-20 16:43:04

She is no friend of yours and deep down you know that. I think I would struggle to contain my anger if she treated me like that. You seem a kind person and maybe you lack confidence and seek approval that you are kind. It’s a sad world that we have many who just are takers and not givers.

sodapop Wed 13-May-20 17:48:16

I do find the post a bit odd I have to say. Seems strange to give so much to someone you barely know. Then allowing them the run of your house when they visited donna1964 just asking for trouble.
I have to agree with hithere

donna1964 Wed 13-May-20 21:35:35

I am not hoodwinking anyone.