Hi everyone, I am a newby on here and would like your honest advice.
I try to support and help people when I can...simply because I have not had a great support in my life and knows how it feels. I remember years ago a lady I met said to me...' I and others could quite easily take you for granted.' That has stayed with me for many years and pops its head up from time to time. Over the last two years I have caught up with a lady I went to school with on Facebook. She developed breast cancer when we first started communicating, had all her treatment and just wanted to get back to normal. Towards the end of last year our communication died down a bit until her partner messaged me to say the Cancer had returned. I contacted her and went to see her for the first time at her home taking with me a gift box put together by myself of all Self Care items which she thanked me for. Whilst there our conversation turned to buying a new bed...she told me that someone was selling a nearly new bed frame...an automatic one which would help her if she needed to have her own bed in the future. When I got home I could not get her out of my mind ...thinking what else can I do to help her? A week later it come to me...I messaged her and asked her if the bed was still if available...which it was...so I transferred the money over for her to buy the bed. She thanked me again....weeks later I was talking to her on Facebook and she was telling me she wasn't getting much sleep...at the time I was looking to order online one of those therapy blankets for my Dad who also is not well. I asked for her address to send her one...she told me she had one and that they were good. So I said ok I will leave it. She then said 'Oh I will still have it' so I sent her a new therapy blanket and said it would be a birthday present as her birthday was coming up. A week later she messaged me and asked me to lend her a couple of hundred pound! I was shocked as we had not been that close and was still developing a friendship. I was not happy about that request as it was putting me on the spot and I have had bad experiences of lending money out and not getting it back. Bare in mind that I have now retired and have to live of what I have. I told her this and that any spare money was in a bank account that I cannot access for a while. A couple of days later she apologised and said she did not know why she had asked me. A couple of weeks after that her and her partner where in my area and I invited them for their lunch and went and picked them up. They were having a look around my home complimenting me on certain furnishings that I have and then in the Bedroom they were looking at my wardrobes as I said I was looking to replace them. Her partner said...'we will have your old ones and started opening my wardrobes'!. Weeks later I have had a number of problems but she never phones me to see how I am...I have always telephoned her. Then she text me to tell me about a new research in treatment taken place in California that could help her. I read up on it and advised her to get in touch with the hospital involved to see if they could help. I said if so we could do a 'GO FUND ME' page to help with fees & cost and I would do that for her...which she agreed..... So I encouraged her to take things further. She needed forms and information printing off from the hospital involved. I told her I had a Printer and would print the forms off for her...which where many pages. A number of occasions after that she emailed me then with...can you print off this shopping voucher etc etc...not do you mind? I was talking to my aunty one day about this situation and she said to me...this girl is taking the piss with you...you are being too soft with her. ...would she do this for you? Her last email for me to photocopy stuff for her...my ink ran out and so I just photocopied what I could...which wasn't everything. I was then travelling in total approx 4O miles to give it to her. At that point I was going through very upsetting times...but she never picked a phone up to see if I was ok...only once on Facebook. I never heard from her then. Today I received a whatsapp message asking me to contribute to a GO FUND ME page that her sons partner has now done for her!! She has give no thought to my feelings as I was meant to do this for her and I was the one to encourage her to take things further over new treatment. If she had just messaged me to say...'I know you were gonna do a GO FUND ME PAGE but my sons partner wants to do it...I would have been ok about it. But to say nothing but ask me to contribute...I am upset ...and feel like she has taken me for a fool. Is it me being too sensitive?, Should I ignore the unbalance in our friendship because of her illness? All I want out of life is a bit of respect and to be treated fairly and not be taken for a fool...Is that asking for too much? Thanks in advance for any replies. xxx
Wellbeck...too much judging going on with some of you. Its called decency amongst two friends. They want you to do the GO FUND ME PAGE for them. I would have no problem if she wanted then someone else to do it...but have the decency to let me! Don't just send them the link to then fund them... that is insulting and treating them like a fool!!
Donna
You need way more therapy.
You are not grasping the real problem and getting defensive and feeling attacked (btdt many years ago myself)
Plenty of us can see the following points a they are so obvious:
1. She is not your friend. Friends don't use you like they did
2. She doesnt owe you any explanation who created the go fund page for her.
She is not your employer, she doesnt report to you.
3. You think you were treated like a fool because you were not in charge and in control of the help you wanted to provide for her.
No, you are a fool for giving so much to somebody you barely know and clearly taking advantage of you
As soon as they get the help from somebody else, you get mad.
That's not how help works.
I use the word help because it is the OP think she is doing, not the real definition of help.
She is not your employee - employer is a bad autocorrect.
Donna1964 I stand by what I said in my first post, you are a very caring selfless person, whom others can take advantage of, and obviously have done, you are a rescuer, I get the feeling if you see what you interprete as hardship from someone, you somehow want to step in and prevent or protect, this is how you are as a person, but I do think you should step back and think of yourself much more Donna, you are a person in your own right, be kind to yourself, I wish you all the very best x
Hithere.. you have too much to say. Yes I am annoyed with you and your approach...It must be great to be perfect and have a perfect life. Leave your comments with yourself...some of your approach has been rude and condescending where others have not been. How about that coming from a fool!! I think you need the therapy for not respecting someone's feelings...yes I do feel attacked too by you. Your job is done now with me...move onto someone else and put their life in order...I dont appreciate what you have to say and how you say it. Deal with your rudeness and your patronizing ways...there's a start for your therapy!!!
Why do you assume my life is perfect?
You asked for feedback, not validation and pats in the back.
Thank you Trendynannie6... I have now stepped back. I am now going to take care of myself and thank you for care and understanding. xx
Do you know why you enjoy giving so much? When did this behaviour start? Do you feel inferior to others or unworthy or do you just trust people a lot? I know someone like you. He's extremely generous and always wants to please people. I've told him he needs to stop or he'll be used.
Okay, I've read other posts, OP. I figured you hadn't had kids because you have a lot of time to care for others. Not having had kids could be a great thing, as you have the energy and resources to care for a lot more people than your own flesh and blood.
You sound so lovely and kind. Were you born in 1964? So was my mom, who has sadly passed on from cancer.
I'm in your corner supporting you from afar. Try your best to find people like yourself. Kind, caring and generous. Give to others and also to yourself.
As for your friend, just slowly withdraw your support. They are probably asking you to print things, not realizing how much it's putting you out. People like you tend not to.communicate very effectively because you don't want to disappoint. Then, people are shocked, because they thought they weren't any bother at all. These people probably think you don't want the wardrobes anymore and don't want them in the trash. You need to communicate your boundaries clearly before issues arise.
I had a weird thing happen years ago...a very generous aunt of mine had bought me several gifts for Christmas. I was under the impression that she had gotten them as gifts from her students and that she'd likely put them in her basement due to disuse (she is a bit of a hoarder). She asked me to pick a present. I said I'd take them all rathee than see them pile up in her basement. She had found this strange...and then later in the day I suddenly realised she had bought! Them for me and wanted me to pick! I was horrified and apologized and explained why Insisted on having them all. Haha! It was just a misunderstanding. But you can see how unclear communication makes things strange.
Ignore obnoxious commenters. People love to tell people they are mentally ill on this site.
Hi Naty...thank you for you messages. Yes I was born in July 1964...I am a Cancerian and we love to look after people. But some people take advantage. and I hate that. I feel quite insulted when they think your a pushover when I am not.
My problem is I think people are like myself when they are not...I would not dream of taking advantage of people but maybe that's because I know how it feels. Trouble is 'givers' always attract 'takers'. and I have had many around me. I am the eldest of seven children and looked after my siblings so yes it started when i was very young. I am really sorry to hear of your Mums passing...I bet she was really proud of you. Your Mum has brought up a very caring person who tries to understand and empathises with people they don't know. Thank you for your lovely message. xx
My mom was one of seven. The fifth born!
I am also a Cancer! June baby!
I know how you feel; I cannot fathom how people are selfish or egotistical to the point of hurting or taking advantage of others! I just cannot do it!
Be kind to yourself. Try to find a community of people like you. You have lots to offer this world.
Hi Naty...I like you cannot understand people who are selfish and who take advantage of others. It really puts me off people like that...they frustrate me...no good trying to point it out to them as you are banging your head against a wall. For peace of mind you are better off distancing yourself from them...I have felt better in myself doing this over the last week. xxx
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