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Stepdaughters wedding

(159 Posts)
Kamj Thu 14-May-20 11:38:14

My step daughter is getting married at christmas, quite a large affair in a country house, which i cant wait for, bit apprehensive as husband will be sat at top table with ex and as i thought my young sons would be attending i thought ok i can do this sitting at a table with them as such, though the invites have been sent and my sons have not been invited, my husband is shocked, im hurt, i havent mentioned to sons as i think they think theyre invited, we have a close family with meet ups with step/bio children alot for family events, i treat all the same at birthdays etc i treat as mine, i appreciate my adult children wouldnt have necessarily been invited(though thought again maybe they may have) but i did think my younger two would have as there are children going to the wedding etc so i thought it was just a given
Where as i know its her wedding her choice i feel hurt by it, i truely thought she would have invited, i dont know if to say anything, if hubby should, if i should decline invite or if i should just attend ceremony or evening, if i should rsvp with the cbildrens acceptance and make out i assumed they where invited? As they may well be but just not on invite as such,
Please help and offer advice in what to suggest /do x

Summerlove Thu 14-May-20 14:55:22

i feel of i ask and they're not we'll both feel bad, so im going to get hubby to reply with the assumption we are all invited and go from there x

You already said that she is touchy about things. Please, please do not do this.

suziewoozie Thu 14-May-20 14:55:41

These things are better dealt with sooner rather than later. Your husband should ask her if she meant not to invite your children. She can then answer. I think an adult should have to own their decisions when it’s clear that it might cause a problem. Her saying nothing is cowardly and can cause more hurt than simply facing up to communicating your decision. Maybe it’s an error or thoughtlessness but either way get it sorted now - it’s a long time until Christmas

V3ra Thu 14-May-20 14:59:17

A big formal wedding is not an event most boys enjoy anyway.
When our three were young we were all invited to a friend's wedding.
My Mum very sensibly and generously offered to take our two sons out for the day so that my husband, daughter and I could go to the wedding.
Everyone had a good time!

I think all you or your husband needs to say is, "Can I just confirm the invitation is for the two of us and not the boys?"
That way there's no hint of a reproach in the question, but if your stepdaughter says they are supposed to be included it'll sound like a bonus.
No falling out either way.

vampirequeen Thu 14-May-20 15:05:52

I'd be upset if other children have been invited and can totally see where you're coming from but at the end of the day it's their choice. Sadly missing out siblings, half siblings and step siblings isn't as unusual as you'd think. DH's eldest son is getting married next year but as they're having a no children rule apart from their own children who are very young they've decided not to invite the bridegroom's youngest half brother who will be 13 at the time. They've invited his other half brother but he's an adult. If numbers were an issue I would have preferred it if they'd invited the younger half brother and not invited me as a step parent but that's what they've chosen to do and it's their wedding.

vampirequeen Thu 14-May-20 15:07:49

DH did ask in case it was a mistake but was told in no uncertain terms that no children (even a half brother) were invited.

MerylStreep Thu 14-May-20 16:49:02

I've no solutions, just a lot of sympathy for the awful situation you are in.

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 17:01:35

Thank you x

oscaro11 Thu 14-May-20 17:09:57

Perhaps they may be invited for the evening reception? Given the cost of weddings these days, the bride might be in a situation where she is limiting herself to, say, 50 to the main proceedings and then a few more in the evening. Most hotels offer a package which goes up as the numbers increase. Perhaps, as it’s a blended family, there are others that she has to invite. The bridegroom may also have to invite certain family members. Could that be something to do with it?

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 18:12:08

150 guests, no no mention on the evening invite either, the groom doesnt have a blended family and isnt that big a family,
I dont know tbh, what will be will be, im just a little hurt over it, i felt we would be invited thats all, x

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 18:12:51

They would be invited *

Grannyjay Thu 14-May-20 18:23:15

If she is paying then let her invite who she wants. If her dad is paying then he can ask her if all of you are invited

oscaro11 Thu 14-May-20 18:24:33

Well you may be Asked yet. As others have said it is your husbands place to have that discussion with his daughter. Weddings always cause controversy with who is asked and who isn’t. It’s their day so their decision but for you, the thought of your husband at the top table with his ex wife is making it harder for you. Plenty of time yet to sort it out.

Chardy Thu 14-May-20 18:27:05

Not inviting half-brothers? That's an awkward one to sort out

Chardy Thu 14-May-20 18:27:15

Not really part of this thread (sorry Kamj) but personally I'm not wild about small children at a wedding.

Bibbity Thu 14-May-20 18:27:27

I think this has highlighted the fact that while as a couple you have treated the children fairly that no relationship has formed between the children themselves.

Her father is her father. You are an extension of him.
But your children who are of no real relation to her are not ranked.

They have no bond. They didn’t grow up together and while she may care for them as people she may not love them.

Her father can clarify but she hasn’t done anything wrong

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 18:28:13

Is this 150 total or 150 + their partners?

Did your minor children grow up with this stepdaughter?
How old is the bride?

You can feel hurt - please dont act on it.
This may damage your family relationships and it is not your wedding.

oscaro11 Thu 14-May-20 18:33:40

My own daughter made it clear to us that at her wedding there wasn’t to be relatives who she never saw from one year to the next. It was her day, she wanted people who were part of her life and that of her husband to be. I did see her point.

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 18:41:34

No they didnt grow up together my older children and my hubby's children have grown up as school friends etc so know each other from old, my younger children have not known them until i got with my hubby,
Its not hard that hubby sitting with ex, i just thought it'd be ok id be sat with my sons thats all, no deep meaning to any of it,
150 in total,
I know she hasnt done anything wrong as such i (we, as hubby mentioned he was surprised boys not invited) just thought they would be, so i just have to except they not,
Thank you all for the honesr somewhat deep brutal advice lol, i will wait and see for a bit then nearer rsvps i will aak hubby to check with daughter if they are invited, if not ill go and be the happy stepmum enjoying her day, x

OutsideDave Thu 14-May-20 18:52:02

How old is step daughter? Has her mother remarried? She might well have her own steps, half siblings on both sides to take into account. I sympathize with her, as if she invites the younger steps she must invite older, and possible steps on her moms side as well. And then half her guest list is occupied by people she has no relationship with outside of them being related to her parents partner. Seems like she’s made a sensible choice. Hire a sitter and enjoy a weekend away with your partner.

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 18:58:05

Mother has partner who has 2 older children she doesnt really see,
Shes 25

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 19:04:01

150 guests is nothing, just 75 per side.

Add family and friends + 1 guest per invite and you see your numbers balloon to 200+ soon.

Calendargirl Thu 14-May-20 19:07:17

I think your husband should check if they are invited or not.

If yes, great.

If not, disappointing for you, but go and make the best of it.

Whatever you do, don’t just take your sons without checking. That would be a BIG mistake.

Cabbie21 Thu 14-May-20 19:31:22

Personally I think your sons would not want to have to go and sit through it all at that age if they don’t know anybody else. I can see that you would be glad of their company though. I know I would, in your position.
It is vital that your husband does not delay to speak to his daughter, making it clear he just needs clarification, nor putting pressure on, then you will be able to be more settled about it in your mind, once you know. Do let us know soon!

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 21:05:37

I wouldn't just take my sons thats for sure, but i know from previous discussions my younger son definitely looked forward to it, this was a while ago now though, tbh since cv we havnt really spoken about the wedding only about the risk it not happening over the cv x

OutsideDave Thu 14-May-20 21:31:16

Yes, so that’s two more at least plus partners she’d have to invite if she invited your children. She was an adult and when you married her dad, they aren’t her siblings and it seems odd that you are this surprised they weren’t invited especially as you aren’t involved in the planning.