Gransnet forums


Stepdaughters wedding

(159 Posts)
Kamj Thu 14-May-20 11:38:14

My step daughter is getting married at christmas, quite a large affair in a country house, which i cant wait for, bit apprehensive as husband will be sat at top table with ex and as i thought my young sons would be attending i thought ok i can do this sitting at a table with them as such, though the invites have been sent and my sons have not been invited, my husband is shocked, im hurt, i havent mentioned to sons as i think they think theyre invited, we have a close family with meet ups with step/bio children alot for family events, i treat all the same at birthdays etc i treat as mine, i appreciate my adult children wouldnt have necessarily been invited(though thought again maybe they may have) but i did think my younger two would have as there are children going to the wedding etc so i thought it was just a given
Where as i know its her wedding her choice i feel hurt by it, i truely thought she would have invited, i dont know if to say anything, if hubby should, if i should decline invite or if i should just attend ceremony or evening, if i should rsvp with the cbildrens acceptance and make out i assumed they where invited? As they may well be but just not on invite as such,
Please help and offer advice in what to suggest /do x

tickingbird Sat 16-May-20 09:07:20

These second or third or fourth partners are always surprised and take offence when children from the original family show their true feelings. Please remember you are tolerated until their parent moves on or dies

Wow! Nasty. Sounds like a remark made by a woman scorned. The OP has stated she has a close relationship with her SD. Intimating any husband in a second marriage is a serial philanderer who will eventually move on! The original family is no more important than any subsequent family.

Some people’s bitterness astounds me.

Buffybee Sat 16-May-20 10:32:01

What a shame, you have come on here asking for advise Kamj and have had quite a few, uncalled for, snippy comments.
Ignore them!
What about this idea! As your husband is insistent on RSVP including your Sons names, which to my mind would be coercing his daughter.
Could you not phone Stepdaughter and say you’ve just been told he’d replied in this way but you don’t think your Sons are invited, he thinks they are etc. etc.
Of course, you’d have to bring him on board with this ruse but at least you would have your answer and maybe an explanation (numbers etc).

pearl79 Sat 16-May-20 11:53:47

i kamj,
oh dear, you're in a difficult bind, made worse because of your and husband's feelings about this. i'd say you need to deal with it sooner rather than later, because it's upsetting you. and the more upset you become, the harder it will be.
technically you've been asked but your sons haven't. so technically you do know the answer. but if you think it's possible they've been omitted from the invitation accidentally, you need know. i'd think easier for bride's father to ask her, because it'll be easier for her to tell him "no" than you. but if he's going to put it off, or try to coerce her, then you're probably best to ask her yourself. perhaps open the discussion with questions about the wedding, show your interest in her big day. maybe talk about what you think you might wear? then, as lightly as you possibly can, ask if you've understood correctly that the invitation is for both you and hubby/her father (however you usually refer to him). that way you're not mentioning the boys, but allowing her to say "and the boys". (or not, as the case may be).
i don't think anyone should be upset about the bride and groom's decisions. but when you know who's invited you can decide on your response. you will not be seated on your own, but on a table of potential new friends.
if you want to maximise your relationship with DH's daughter, then go joyously.
if you can't make reasonable arrangements for your sons, then decline politely.
i wish you well, but please don't be upset whichever the answer is. she won't be not inviting them because she doesn't care, but because she doesn't have enough seats for everyone she wants to invite.

vampirequeen Sat 16-May-20 13:31:37

Try to ignore any unkind/unhelpful responses. Most of us are trying to be helpful.

It struck me that if your DH is going to send an RSVP then he could write all your names on it e.g. Me, Kam, Bobby and Bill will be pleased to attend. Then when your SD reads the RSVP it's up to her to either say that she didn't intend to invite the boys or add them to her list if they aren't on it already.

I really hope things work out for you. x

Hithere Sat 16-May-20 13:34:51

Op's stepdaughter is going to be put on a bind if her dad goes all mad at her why the kids haven't been invited.
Poor stepdaughter.
Next post could be - why is she so mad? We just made a reasonable request!

How many of us have been in social situations that have been uncomfortable but we managed to use our social skills to navigate it?
Why is OP unable to do so and needs her sons as crutches?
Her dh will be at the wedding and she won't be alone.
I bet OP also knows more people on the wedding so she is able to make small talk to survive.

FoghornLeghorn Sat 16-May-20 16:56:08

don’t be put off by the nasty ninnies - they often come out bullying new members.

Sadly it seems to get more like Mumsnet every day. ☹️

vampirequeen Sat 16-May-20 19:40:58

I don't think the OP wants to use her sons as crutches. I think she's upset that they haven't been invited to their step sister's wedding when other children have been.

Kamj Mon 18-May-20 00:53:37

Thank you for all the kind replies, x