Stepdaughters wedding

Thank you for all the kind replies, x

I don't think the OP wants to use her sons as crutches. I think she's upset that they haven't been invited to their step sister's wedding when other children have been.

don’t be put off by the nasty ninnies - they often come out bullying new members.

Sadly it seems to get more like Mumsnet every day. ☹️

Op's stepdaughter is going to be put on a bind if her dad goes all mad at her why the kids haven't been invited.
Poor stepdaughter.
Next post could be - why is she so mad? We just made a reasonable request!

How many of us have been in social situations that have been uncomfortable but we managed to use our social skills to navigate it?
Why is OP unable to do so and needs her sons as crutches?
Her dh will be at the wedding and she won't be alone.
I bet OP also knows more people on the wedding so she is able to make small talk to survive.

Try to ignore any unkind/unhelpful responses. Most of us are trying to be helpful.

It struck me that if your DH is going to send an RSVP then he could write all your names on it e.g. Me, Kam, Bobby and Bill will be pleased to attend. Then when your SD reads the RSVP it's up to her to either say that she didn't intend to invite the boys or add them to her list if they aren't on it already.

I really hope things work out for you. x

i kamj,
oh dear, you're in a difficult bind, made worse because of your and husband's feelings about this. i'd say you need to deal with it sooner rather than later, because it's upsetting you. and the more upset you become, the harder it will be.
technically you've been asked but your sons haven't. so technically you do know the answer. but if you think it's possible they've been omitted from the invitation accidentally, you need know. i'd think easier for bride's father to ask her, because it'll be easier for her to tell him "no" than you. but if he's going to put it off, or try to coerce her, then you're probably best to ask her yourself. perhaps open the discussion with questions about the wedding, show your interest in her big day. maybe talk about what you think you might wear? then, as lightly as you possibly can, ask if you've understood correctly that the invitation is for both you and hubby/her father (however you usually refer to him). that way you're not mentioning the boys, but allowing her to say "and the boys". (or not, as the case may be).
i don't think anyone should be upset about the bride and groom's decisions. but when you know who's invited you can decide on your response. you will not be seated on your own, but on a table of potential new friends.
if you want to maximise your relationship with DH's daughter, then go joyously.
if you can't make reasonable arrangements for your sons, then decline politely.
i wish you well, but please don't be upset whichever the answer is. she won't be not inviting them because she doesn't care, but because she doesn't have enough seats for everyone she wants to invite.
x

What a shame, you have come on here asking for advise Kamj and have had quite a few, uncalled for, snippy comments.
Ignore them!
What about this idea! As your husband is insistent on RSVP including your Sons names, which to my mind would be coercing his daughter.
Could you not phone Stepdaughter and say you’ve just been told he’d replied in this way but you don’t think your Sons are invited, he thinks they are etc. etc.
Of course, you’d have to bring him on board with this ruse but at least you would have your answer and maybe an explanation (numbers etc).

These second or third or fourth partners are always surprised and take offence when children from the original family show their true feelings. Please remember you are tolerated until their parent moves on or dies

Wow! Nasty. Sounds like a remark made by a woman scorned. The OP has stated she has a close relationship with her SD. Intimating any husband in a second marriage is a serial philanderer who will eventually move on! The original family is no more important than any subsequent family.

Some people’s bitterness astounds me.

Aww Kamj what a shit snowstorm of advice! I think you need to KISS it - Keep It Simple Silly
I agree with Tanith, just get hubby to talk to his daughter.
Perhaps they can go the evening after the meal?
I'll bet lots are going to the after who aren't attending he meal, or is it that closed?
Just hand it to your husband.

7 months out from the wedding is early IMO to send out invitations. Are these actual invitations or "save the day" announcements? If the latter you may well find your boys are included on the official invitation.

Tempest, spot on with your comment. There is no reason why your partner's children would like you. Tolerate is the word!

We were once invited to a wedding - without our children. My husband replied that we'd be unable to attend. He thought it was rude to not invite the whole family.

It's always the people telling everyone else where their going wrong should be looking at where they go wrong!

....she literally asked for opinions though?

Good Luck!@Kamj

I've noticed some nasty comments too. I am new and started a thread...I thought there were rules on here. It's always the people telling everyone else where their going wrong should be looking at where they go wrong! Must be great to be perfect and have a perfect life.

Hi anyone eles feel like the corona virus is slowing recking there lives, not seeing my grandchildren is slowly killing me don't get me wrong I do talk to them on face time but they are losing interest you can't expect a 1 year old and 3 year old to understand why nanny's not coming to see them any more my worst fear is they became frightened of me and forgot who I am, things don't look like getting any better anytime soon here in Wales

Leave for your husband to sort
Besides the way this virus is going I don't think you need worry, be only handful allowed anyway ...

Where will your sons go and what will they do while you are all at the wedding?
Your husband could ask his daughter to clarify as you will have to make arrangements for the boys if they are not invited, and this may mean that you are unfortunately unable to attend if you cannot sort something out for them.
That way she will not be upset with you. Perhaps.
Just a thought.

Kamj, I agree with all those who think your husband’s plan is a bad one and could cause unnecessary trouble. I’d hate it if someone did that to me. Much better just to check politely as people have suggested.

He might not be passive aggressive, but that would be a passive aggressive thing to do.

As per usual some quite unnecessarily nasty replies on here. Someone even accusing the op of putting her ego before that of the bride.

Kamj - don’t be put off by the nasty ninnies - they often come out bullying new members.

Personally, I would leave it to your husband but I wouldn’t go if it meant I had to sit on my own. Her day or not is no excuse for such thoughtlessness ( giving the benefit of doubt there). I think you sound very reasonable and many wouldn’t go at all under the circumstances. As someone pointed out earlier in the thread it needs to be clarified soon and the bride needs to own her decision.

weddings are a minefield,long gone are the days when parents had any say in the guest list .I would assume if she wanted your sons there she would have askedthem.Lots of brides dont ask close family never mind step family they aquired through a second marriage.However much you think or would like to think that she "adores" them they aren't actually related at all .I'm fairly sure that there will be closer family and friends that will take priority

I don’t think Kamj stated she has any problem with her husband sitting at the top table with his ex.

She has a very good relationship with her SD and is hurt and puzzled by the fact the names of her 2 boys, the bride’s step brothers, aren’t on the invitation.

Technically your husband should not be sitting with his ex but with his daughter's MIL However when you take on a divorced man you have to take on board that at weddings etc he will be sitting with/ in pics with the ex and deal with it

For the record Kamj, my feeling would be hurt as well.

I just think you need, or your husband needs, to have a straightforward kind conversation with no guilt whatsoever.

I would absolutely still attend, otherwise I think you could severely damaged future relations.

I do not understand posters saying they would stay home as a form of silent protest. Nor Do I see how her mother has undue influence over her.

Your children could absolutely still be invited and your Step daughter didn’t know that she needed to write their names or ‘and family’ on the invitation. But the only way to figure this out is to be straightforward with her. I think replying as though all are invited is a recipe for disaster personally.

I'm wondering if your SD's mother is applying pressure on her and doesn't want your DC at the wedding. I'm with most on here, I'd ask her myself in a non confrontational way. It would be so embarrassing for everyone for your DSs to turn up and they haven't been catered for. Good luck, not the stress that anyone needs at the moment. X (there I've done it )