To be angry with my brother over our fathers death?

Rosecarmel what is the matter with you today? We don’t need all the ins and outs just a little compassion for someone dealing with the death of a difficult but close relation.
Buttonjugs try to move on now. You did your best and what you thought was right. If your brother is going to make you unhappy with his behaviour just leave him be and put him out of your mind and your life. You should look after yourself now and not worry too much about anyone else.

I expect many would have done the same. You were right to say what you thought

I was 12 when a teacher who had been emotionally and physically abusive to me and others died suddenly. I had to
attend a memorial service where her warmth and kindness was endlessly spoken of. This has since happened with other unpleasant people I have known. Without being horrible I wish memorials could tactfully mention a more realistic version of the person ("Didn't suffer fools gladly" for instance)

Like Facebook all over people put up what they feel they should put up rather than the real truth. Everyone seems to do it for there own personal gain, maybe he was painting a picture of a father he had always grieved for, as you say your father wasn't a nice man! You did the honourable thing by having your father live with you.
But this brother seems he couldn't be as honourable, as a kid it must have been terrible for you both to live in the shadow of your father. Maybe he has resented the fact you did get past in some ways the horrors of your father and he simply can't that's why he is being spiteful.
I don't think you can hold it against him that he never helped out but he is sending out mixed messages! You did forgive your father not saying you forgot the pain he caused, so try to forgive your brother. It all sounds very painful, take care and big virtual hug to youx

It was good of you to look after such a vile man. You want to say something on facebook about the kind of childhood you had with his violence and drinking. I had a racist scumbag of a grandfather who was Irish American and he hated everything, Jews, Asians, but most of all Brits! I still slag him off now. Don't cannonise the dead if they don't deserve it.

My dad died of cancer. Mum dedicated her life to caring for him. When dad stopped eating she got him to take Complan in place of meals. My brother lived in another country and came to visit near the end of dad's life. He made a comment to me "no wonder dad's so thin when all she feeds him on is Complan". I was furious that he had such a lack of understanding about mum's caring role.

I wrote to a member of my ex's family who always referred to his late father as the "sperm donor" on FB and was completely negative of his role in his childhood. I offered my condolences, suggested that it was his father's loss that he hadn't seen what a wonderful son he had and would understand if he felt angry for not having the father he should have had. He didn't reply but all his FB posts were about his devastation for this wonderful father. I was gob smacked to put it mildly.
I fully understand your anger towards your brother, I felt the same way when my Grandad died having lived with me with full blown dementia for the last couple of years of his life. His daughters did little to help except to down play my role in his care. He had wanted to change his Will to recognise my efforts but I had persuaded him not to because I didn't want people to think that was my sole purpose in caring for him. The moment he was dead, said daughters took over the funeral arrangements, grabbed their inheritance and made out they had helped me every step of the way. At the time I was filled with fury but I bit my tongue. All I can say is that feeling fades after a while and you can live peacefully in the knowledge that you did the right thing. It really doesn't matter what other people think. Had anybody publicly suggested there was something suspicious in his death though, they might have received a letter from my solicitor.

No reasonable person would blame you for your actions. You very much did the right thing by looking after your unpleasant father.
I'd always advise being careful about putting things in writing but you acted on the spur of the moment in your anger so don't beat yourself up about it. You probably said what needed to be said.
I've always found that people who put all sorts of sentimental nonsense on social media or the like don't back up those words with actions. A family member does this sort of thing, is always the first to comment and turns up at funerals when he'd barely seen the deceased for a year or more - even giving a eulogy at one. It's just 'words not deeds' and some of us see though them.
Take care buttonjugs and hold your head high.

rosecarmel --- are you a wannabe novelist or a fantasist? Either way, I hope you aren't in a position where you advise others because you seem to have totally misunderstood the post.

So agree with other posts. Strange how people can become Saints after death. No, your brother is out of order. You’ve made your point. Just leave it now. So sorry you have this worry as well.

I went through similar things when my father died in 2016, I have 5 siblings, only 1 was a help to me, I asked my one brother if he could have dad for a week while we went away for a break, his wife so no. My brother said ‘I’d made my bed by taking my father in’

When he died all they wanted to know was where had all his money gone! Luckily I had all his bank statements.

Four years on, I speak to two of my sisters. Two brothers and another sister have broken all contact.

Take care buttonjugs and be strong, you’ve done nothing wrong.

I'd just like to say, in response to the suggestion from Jane10 that you post a response to your brother's post on Facebook, to think twice about doing that.
A similar thing happened to me when a cousin we'd all lost touch with found some members of our family on Facebook and put up a long and effusive post about my dead, abusive father.
A niece of mine, with whom this cousin had made friends on Facebook, responded, tagging others of us with whom she was friends on Facebook in a list "father to Nodding, grandad to Nodding's children" etc.
I simply replied politely, asking my name to be taken off the list, together with the names of my children who were born after his demise, as he'd been the worst father in the world as far as I was concerned and I had deliberately not had children until he was six feet under as I had sworn, as a teenager, that he would never have any contact with any children I might have in the future.
I said I did not wish to have my name linked with his on a public forum.
The most awful public row ensued as the niece concerned decided to lecture me on the thread and I was so incensed, I retaliated. These things can turn really nasty when raw feelings are exposed.

jaylucy, your theory is the OP tells her story, you tell yours, but I don't tell mine-

What a lovely lesson in prejudicial social science!

No you weren’t being unreasonable. I had my own mother living with me for 13 years (she was allegedly dying with a chest complaint but made a rapid recovery once she felt she had no worries). My brother (always the apple of her eye), did nothing for her (Even down to not buying her birthday or Christmas presents) and caused her untold grief. Fast forward 13 years and I had done all of the caring whilst having a very senior and stressful career. Over a period of 4 months she required almost 24/7 care. Anyway something occurred when my best friend suddenly passed away which obviously offended brother. His funeral was the day after mother passed away. Whatever occurred at this extremely stressful time was sufficient for my brother to decide that I wasn’t to be spoken to and I do not know what it was (a situation which exists to this day - some 3 years). It has made life exceedingly difficult for my nephew & niece with whom I always had an excellent relationship. It should be said that brother has a history of proudly ‘sending people to Coventry’. I have tried to make sure that they are ok at this time but to no avail. Years of this troublesome brother and his wife now mean that I’ve accepted we won’t meet again and I’m settled. Truly proves the statement that you can’t choose your family. And so I really would not lose sleep over your brother

I am so sorry to hear that you a) have lost your father, b) that he was such a difficult person to love and c) that your brother is behaving as he is.

I am glad you told him exactly how you feel about his behaviour. That should make it easier for you to move on past this.

No, you are not the unreasonable person here.

I am glad you have another brother who seems to have behaved better.

I'm angry with my husband's brother. Hubby had a massive brain tumour in 1993 and then another one in 2008 leaving some attached to the brain stem. After the second one his brother never visited him in hospital once (even though he lives ten minutes away) or even rang to ask how he was or if he needed anything. He could have been dead for all he knew (he was given a 50/50 chance of survival). We took the brother everywhere with us when he was young, on holiday, to the football, days out etc but he couldn't even be bothered to make a phone call to ask how hubby was. Hubby now has Lewy Body Dementia, has had numerous episodes of Sepsis with a poor prognosis and yet again his younger brother hasn't even asked how he is doing. I will never forgive him.

The OP vents on GN: Martyr/Sainthood

The brother vents on FB: Heretic/Scapegrace

I think you were quite reasonable to text him to explain why you were so angry and unable to speak to him at that time. I would have been very tempted to respond to his FB post in no uncertain terms, but I probably would have regretted that with hindsight.

She was angry that her brother didn't do what she wanted him to- That's the way manipulative people operate-

Dear Buttonjugs,
If your brother is a narcissist, he was being entirely true to form. If you research the condition, you may be surprised to discover that psychologists describe people with NPD [Narcissistic Personality Disorder] as fragile.The grandiose behaviour which is very typical, is hiding a very fragile ego and fear.
Yet this condition causes those suffering from it to behave in remarkably similar ways. At the end of the day, the official advice from professionals is to cut all contact with them, as they thrive on your discomfort and the trauma that they cause you.
I don't think that you will be surprised to know that your feelings in the letter to your brother will not be taken on board by him in any way, and that he will reject it outright, if indeed he has NPD. He is completely unable to accept criticism, as it's far too threatening.
I wish you well as you recover from the complete dedication and compassion that you gave to your abusive father. Be assured that you have not descended to his level of behaviour, but have maintained your own high moral standards. You have behaved in the most loving manner to a member of your family who has now died, and you will reap the rewards by having no regrets.
Very sadly, you cannot expect the same from your brother.
I wish you well.

@rosecarmel thank you for amusing me during a difficult time. It’s quite funny when people think there’s a conspiracy and you yourself know there really isn’t.

@Mealybug I am very sorry to hear all you’ve been through. I totally understand how you feel. Some people are just selfish, I guess there’s nothing we can do about it but be true to ourselves and know we did what we could.
Thank you everyone except @rosecarmel for your kind words and understanding. Brother texted me to apologise and ask what he could do to right the situation. I told him we will be fine I just need some time. He has told me to ask if I need anything. I am glad I let him know how I felt, because as other brother told me, it would have festered and bubbled away otherwise and caused more damage.

Very glad that your brother has contacted you buttonjugs; you must be feeling so much better and can see a way forward now. I wish you well.

rosecarmel <sigh>

That's good news Buttonjugs. It's better to be honest about how you feel, a lot of estrangement in families is because some people aren't prepared to talk and/or listen and then, as your other brother rightly said, feelings can fester and bubble.

NoddingGanGan- you'll see that I said best not to put a thing on Facebook as it can only lead to trouble. I'm never sure that putting family members' deaths on Facebook or Twitter is a decent thing to do anyway. Family should be contacted directly.