To be angry with my brother over our fathers death?

Huh .. An apology from a guy whose never done anything for anyone other than himself ..

Maybe because that massive halo of yours could have proven fatal to get too close to ..

rosecarmel the difference between Facebook and Gransnet is that Gransnet is anonymous. The OP is entitled to vent. I'm not sure what your problem actually is.

I did think this thread had come to a nice end. Said brother apologised and advice been thanked for.

I haven't read your posts Rosecarmel except this last one and I can only ask, Are you Ok? I don't know your situation or yourself but we all.need to support each other especially now.
Your last post seems very nasty and glad I didn't read the others. I get everyone is entitled to there opinion but we can only go on what the writer as said. Trully hope you have a nice day, just maybe one day you might need advice or help and we will all be there for you!!!Take Care

A very unpleasant and unnecessary post rosecarmel. For some reason the fact that the OP's brother has apologised for his behaviour seems to have annoyed you!!!

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Did you get out of bed on the wrong side today rosecarmel? I've noticed on some of your other posts that you sometimes can get a bit fixated on an element of a post but you've been rather extreme today and are in danger of becoming somewhat unpleasant. Is something wrong?

I've reported your rosecarmel; rude, ignorant and unnecessary. It contributed nothing to the discussion apart from revealing your inability to conduct yourself properly in a discussion. I hope your comment is deleted.

My bed only has one side ..

But I must be fixated- Since I only comment on a wide variety of subjects and threads ..

I suspect only the guilty would be offended .. report away ..

Guilty of what?

Whatever-

Geranimum I have sent you a private message.

Why do sons always get the best? You have every right to feel hurt, angry, devastated. Let your brother have it with more than both barrels. It’s no more than he deserves given he did nothing to help you look after dad during his final years. I regard my brother as the prodigal son as whenever he came back to the UK From Australia he was feted etc. He is my only sibling and he is very selfish as I found out when dealing with my father’s estate. I hope you do not encounter any inheritance issues and that you have strength plus support to cope with what lies ahead. Good luck and stand your ground.

I think that the OP set out the problem quite eloquently. It's quite touching that the opinions and advice that followed, along with details of some other sad but long-accepted situations, show just how genuinely kind and supportive GN posters can be. It's then always an unpleasant shock when the 2 'usual suspects" crash land into the thread displaying such anger and almost contempt for the feelings of the original poster. "Why?" is normally their opening weapon of choice - it's doubtful that the OP would have any understanding as to why she has been greeted with such apparent dislike !

I do agree with namsnanny's comment when she asserts that facts are being commented upon through someone else's bias I think they really are, because if you have any thread on here dealing with alleged manipulation, parental difficulties, estrangement, family problems, the same duo often arrive - filled with sufficient rage to convince enough of us that it can only be their own past and personal circumstances driving what they say every time. And there's a pattern - anger and contempt for what others say, a refusal to accurately read or accept what the OP is saying, a determination to argue a point which, with respect, is only their own view on a total stranger's problems, an argument as to what the poster really means, accusations of covering up facts - about which they have no clue! Clearly a raw nerve is touched every single time which prevents them being able to post in a calm way or one which respects (or politely ignores) what others have said. Discussion - when they are involved - is usually impossible. Debate? Forget it.

Now, if these were professional opinions, it still would not engender much respect : but as experts there would be no need to "shout", argue or be abusive in an effort to beat others down into accepting a particular argument or viewpoint. And if this double act from hell were experts, there would be no doubt as to their capacity to properly explain their conclusions. It would certainly be interesting to know what professional experience and qualification they both could claim, the length of time in any professional career would support and prompt the views given, what books published, what researched studies have been made, what papers have been written and the depth of client or clinical experience and research in any particular field are being drawn upon to support the phrases and opinions so stridently expressed here..

If, as I expect, most posters' views on here are given as a result of personal and life experience and made in a genuine effort to discuss the dilemma which the OP has set out, there can be no reason for any of the anger and abuse which these two posters utilise far too often : disrupting threads and sometimes having their posts deleted. Basically, looking to start fights. Does this make them feel better in some way? How can this be even remotely helpful? It will certainly be no surprise to most of us, I should think, if my post now engenders abuse or another deleted post. It would be great to think that I am wrong and that things might change. But...?

Sadly, such anger and arrogance will do little to encourage individuals to seek opinion or advice on GN - perhaps when they genuinely need that; it also insults the intelligence of those who are interested and contribute regularly to this forum and do have a great deal of warmth, common sense and support to impart. Seeing a very interesting thread tampered with in this way is completely counter-productive and I genuinely hope that it will stop.

It’s no more than he deserves given he did nothing to help you look after dad during his final years

Did you miss the part where this man abused his wife and children. He was a violent bully. His son owed him nothing. The man should’ve spent every day of his life grateful that any of his children didn’t leave him to rot in the street!
The son is not wrong for not caring or helping his father.

Buttonjugs it does indeed sound like narcissistic behaviour from your brother. Even on the demise of his father, he wants/demands attention and the comments he received on Facebook would be the "narcissistic supply" he wants out of all this. These people are incapable of showing true compassion or empathy. (Sure, they can "display" it, but it is false - only if there's something in it for them). Sadly, unsuspecting souls totally believe them and think they are wonderful people. There is also zero accountability for any of their actions and you will never get a truthful apology, because he simply doesn't care about your feelings. Sounds like he learned his behaviour from his dad, (or at least, that's how your dad affected his future behaviour). I truly feel for you. "Narcs" can be very cruel indeed, and not even bat an eyelid. Take it from one who knows. I have a "narc" family member, and you'll never win with them. There is no way out of this unless you promise yourself to go "no contact" with him .... and really mean it, for your own sanity. You were totally justified in your actions towards your brother, and no you were certainly not being unreasonable! But your rant probably only fed his ego, as he wanted to trigger reactions...good or bad. Don't beat yourself up about this. Anyone in their right mind would have felt exactly the same as you, and you did everything you could for your Dad. Well done and hold your head high.

An excellent post Grandmafrench

The son was wrong however, for making the post on FB Bibbity. An error of judgement that he has accepted and apologised for.

The OP has communicated with him and said she needs time to process what's happened which no doubt will include the death of their father. Hopefully, she and her brother will find a way forward.

But I never brought up the status.
I was challenging the notion that adult children should care for their abusers.

Abusers deserve nothing from their victims.

Ideally, adult children should share responsibility for even a truly useless parent. They can then support each other through a difficult time.

It often happens that one does the lion's share of work or worry though. They then resent it. Getting angry about things only adds to the stress, though.

Once the death and funeral are over, it's simple to limit contact with a sibling, put it behind you and get on with your own life.

Nobody is responsible for their adult parents.

That's true Bibbity we are only responsible for our own behaviour.

Bibbity -- Parents are owed their children's loyalty regardless of their behavior. That seems to be the message here. It's okay to slam your siblings if they don't fulfill their "obligation" to their parents even if one sibling unilaterally decides what the other siblings should be doing based on their personal choice to take in the abusive parent.

Yes, OP's brother is a Narcissist because of what? Not wanting to look after an adult who made life choices that included abusing his wife and likely his children as well. Wow.

Brother likely has mixed views about his abusive upbringing and made a post on FB which his sister took personal offense to. Instead of talking to him about it, she justified not even hearing him out and went on the offense giving him "both barrels". Would others' here be okay with if they were treated like that? I guess the answer is 'yes' because he deserved it.

If OP's brother had said he was glad his abuser was dead, he'd be shouted at for saying such 'horrible things' about his dad. He said something 'good' about his dad and that was "wrong" as well.

Well, it was lies.
A good role model? One that is violent to his wife..

Bingo

Abusive families, by their very nature, do not acknowledge the feelings of its victims. Don’t expect the narcissistic, gossiping members of a family to care what the mistreated members feel or think.

rachealsrest.org/abusive-parent-dies-different-kind-grief/